How did I fall In love with her so soon?!

[cassiecharlie]

Hi Gang, First I would like to say that I am so happy that I found this site!! I see that I am not alone.

I am a MM for 15 years no problems besides minor things that we worked out. We have 2 kids.

While working i met a great women and we became friends, no, she does not work with me. she was actually looking to date a mutual friend and i would give her my advice on what she should do inorder to get him. after that we started talking about music and other things,we became great friends. 4 months later I can not stop thinking about her!!!!!! she is in a relationship for 3 years but is not married. I have never had an affair before and we find ourselves wanting to see more and more of each other. The love I feel for her is something I never felt before in my life! She cries for me and I hate when I dont see or hear from her. because of her financial situation I take care of her when I can. I ve never heard the expression, "Kept Women" before now. I dont think of her being my mistress or anything but it fits the description i Guess.

its been a short time and my love for her keep growing and I dont know what to do!! Its like if i lose her I would die!! She says she ll never let me go and wants to be a part of my life no matter how it is.

 

Anyone ever fall in love like this??!!!! Am I wrong for loving her??? IM SO CONFUSED!!!!!!!!!!

[NowhereToHide]

Welcome. Yes, most of us on this site have been where you are now, and have felt what you have felt. It's an amazing feeling, isn't it?

 

What I would suggest is that you spend a lot of time going back and reading the threads in this forum specifically. While an affair can be an amazing experience, you will read that the majority of time they end with terrible heartache for at least one if not both of the individuals involved.

 

There is something that is referred to on here as the "affair fog". It's that beginning stage of an affair where all you can do is think about the other person in the most positive of terms. I would caution yourself to keep yourself as grounded as possible during this time and evaluate your actions (and more importantly the consequences) of what you are engaging in. I know it's not great to think about, but it would be my advice. Many of us wish we would have found this site BEFORE we ever engaged in our affairs. We would have made different decisions.

 

Good luck. And keep posting.

[cassiecharlie]

Thank you for your reply! I am soooo caught up in her I dont know how to think anymore!! She is all I think about now. This hit me like a ton of bricks!!! She says shes going to enjoy the ride as long as it goes and I am wondering if I should just let go and love her while I can.

 

Thank you!

[whichwayisup]

What about your wife and kids? Where do they fit into your life?

 

Maybe consider seeking some counselling before you end up hurting everyone. Let alone yourself. You have ALOT to lose by chasing after another woman and wanting to have an affair with her.

 

have you considered just divorcing your wife so SHE can find love and happiness with someone else? What you're doing is so cruel and selfish. If you don't love your wife anymore, let her go. Why stay married and chase someone else that you'd rather be with?

[anne1707]

As someone who is married but had an affair, all I can say is don't do it. You have no idea of how much pain it will cause. You really are best to walk away from this situation now if you want to stay married.

 

As NTH has said, it is all "fog" - but when the cruel light of day hits, you will regret it.

[cassiecharlie]

Thak you for your reply, I am so caught off guard by this I m spinning! I will take and stand back and look at everything.

[cassiecharlie]

I think since I ve never had an affair in my life that I may be caught up in the excitement of it all. its new and exciting and shes a great person!!!

[anne1707]

You make it sound as if an affair is all good and no bad. I can promise you that the consequences of an affair are bad for all concerned. Remember your wife - do you really want to destroy her trust in you? Do you really want to hurt her more than she has ever been hurt in her life? The depth of her pain will more than surpass the depth of "love" you may feel for this other woman.

[anne1707]

Also - can you clarify - she is has a partner but you met when she was trying to date someone you know? So she is just after an affair - whether with you or someone else?

[scorpmale009]

what sort of advise you want anyways,

after you being said this "Its like if i lose her I would die"...so before you die leave your W for better

[reboot]

He's not looking for advice.

[torranceshipman]

I don't think you'll die if you don't see her, well, not unless her partner or your W find out, then you might, lol OK bad joke!-but seriously, I hope that this doesn't become a disaster...usually A's end horribly for someone.

 

When you say you love her so much...would you be prepared to leave your W for her? Or is this the type of love where you love her, in the context of her xisting alongside your regular life with a wonderful W and family at home? i.e. could she take their place? I suspect not...I suspect she is a big infatuation. Like, a mega crush. I suspect your whole world would come crumbling down if your W found out and you lost your family, as I suspect this girl is adding to your life as a complement, like a cherry on top of a dessert: everything looks nicer and tastes sweeter. But take away the dessert (your family) and suddenly that cherry is looking a bit paltry...she wouldn't make sense if the rest of your life wasnt already there.

 

My advice...try to read a lot on this forum ...

[Heather1]

I'm sure my MM felt the same about me at this point....he doesn't feel that way now. After we started the PA, all he felt was immense guilt & let me know it all the time. Neither one of us had ever had an A before and every feeling was so intense & he made it more of a rollercoaster than I did. I was fine with an A, no other expectations. Just don't put her through your guilt.

 

Oh, this will pretty much ruin your M too, unless you can compartmentalize.

 

On the getting caught end, just don't be stupid. Pay cash, don't tell anyone.

 

Realize too that the consequences will fall on her, probably not so bad for you. Say you get caught, your w will be pissed, but probably want to work on your M for your kids. You throw OW under the bus trying to save your M, and then she's alone with both of your guilt. Do you love her enough to not put her through that? That's the true measure of love. I say that because I had a crush 10 years ago, and the man turned me down flat. We are best friends to this day, and even though i was crushed & embarassed, he will be in my life forever. My boys love him, my one son idolizes him & he grew up w/ him. The man I had an A w/? I'm guessing he ended things without ending things, so I may never hear from him again.

 

So which is "love?"

[BlueeyedJonesy]

you should'nt feel this way for someone other than your wife.

so..if you aren't already having a PA then do your wife a favor and get a D. People are going to say "don't do it, just walk away" but you are already involved and no one deserves to have the person they are married to lusting over someone else the way your are.

[WhereToGoFromHere]

Steps of an affair, in summary:

 

1)Yeah I met this new person and she's really great.

 

2)I can talk to her about anything. She talks to me and makes me feel alive and like a man.

 

3)She's all I can think about. I want to spend more time with her and I don't care about consequences.

 

4)OMG, the sex.....I've never had sex like this before. Maybe what I was having with my wife really wasn't sex... I want more!!! Gotta have more!

 

5) I love my wife, but I'm not in love with her.

 

6)Our relationship is different from every other relationship, we could make it through the storm of this whole D thing.

 

7) I can't leave my H/W - we have to work on things to see if theres anything there.

 

Its all the same, we've been there. You'll read it all here so many times.

 

Do yourself and your new bff a favor and do step 7 first. Save yourself some heartache and grief. Take it from people who know first hand. If I sound cynical today, its because I am. Ignore this advice at the risk of your own sanity and the sanity of your new BFF.

[jwi71]

Steps of an affair, in summary:

 

1)Yeah I met this new person and she's really great.

 

2)I can talk to her about anything. She talks to me and makes me feel alive and like a man.

 

3)She's all I can think about. I want to spend more time with her and I don't care about consequences.

 

4)OMG, the sex.....I've never had sex like this before. Maybe what I was having with my wife really wasn't sex... I want more!!! Gotta have more!

 

5) I love my wife, but I'm not in love with her.

 

6)Our relationship is different from every other relationship, we could make it through the storm of this whole D thing.

 

7) I can't leave my H/W - we have to work on things to see if theres anything there.

 

Its all the same, we've been there. You'll read it all here so many times.

 

Do yourself and your new bff a favor and do step 7 first. Save yourself some heartache and grief. Take it from people who know first hand. If I sound cynical today, its because I am. Ignore this advice at the risk of your own sanity and the sanity of your new BFF.

 

And this one post just torpedoed every pop-pysho-PhD bullshyter writing books on A's.

 

Dr. Phil now officially hates you.

 

But I love you..its perfect...its the script...and yes, it plays out in order for EVERY (well, most) A here. Time and time again, in order, almost w/o fail.

 

What you should now, is add some anecdotes, a few psychology terms and go on Oprah. And a catchphrase...like "Doh!" or "Aye Caramba"...

[WhereToGoFromHere]

And this one post just torpedoed every pop-pysho-PhD bullshyter writing books on A's.

 

Dr. Phil now officially hates you.

 

But I love you..its perfect...its the script...and yes, it plays out in order for EVERY (well, most) A here. Time and time again, in order, almost w/o fail.

 

What you should now, is add some anecdotes, a few psychology terms and go on Oprah. And a catchphrase...like "Doh!" or "Aye Caramba"...

 

jw71, I'm having a bad day and you just made me laugh! Thanks! Now...what will I call it???

[anne1707]

Steps of an affair, in summary:

 

1)Yeah I met this new person and she's really great.

 

2)I can talk to her about anything. She talks to me and makes me feel alive and like a man.

 

3)She's all I can think about. I want to spend more time with her and I don't care about consequences.

 

4)OMG, the sex.....I've never had sex like this before. Maybe what I was having with my wife really wasn't sex... I want more!!! Gotta have more!

 

5) I love my wife, but I'm not in love with her.

 

6)Our relationship is different from every other relationship, we could make it through the storm of this whole D thing.

 

7) I can't leave my H/W - we have to work on things to see if theres anything there.

 

Its all the same, we've been there. You'll read it all here so many times.

 

Do yourself and your new bff a favor and do step 7 first. Save yourself some heartache and grief. Take it from people who know first hand. If I sound cynical today, its because I am. Ignore this advice at the risk of your own sanity and the sanity of your new BFF.

 

 

So good it need repeating again... and again

 

Simple - but the truth

[fooled once]

Ditto with the above.

 

And I will ask too - where does your wife of 15 years, who you have no real issues with, fall into all this?

 

Tell her you have found someone who you just love oh so much and had sex with 3 times in one night. See if she is just as giddy with excitement as you are.

 

How about end one relationship before starting another?

 

And since you have no problems giving this new girl money, I am wondering if your wife will have that same feeling? And I could use a bill or two to be paid so .....

 

Seriously though, of course the new BFF just loves you too -- we all like someone to pay our bills when we spend outside our means.

 

I hope during your night of fantastic sex to at least thought to wear a condom. Your wife doesn't deserve to get an STD because YOU chose to sleep with someone else.

 

If your newfound love is so grand, divorce your wife or at least tell her what you are doing with your new girlfriend, and all the make out sessions you are having. You owe her at least some honesty.

[atlnay]

Steps of an affair, in summary:

 

1)Yeah I met this new person and she's really great.

 

2)I can talk to her about anything. She talks to me and makes me feel alive and like a man.

 

3)She's all I can think about. I want to spend more time with her and I don't care about consequences.

 

4)OMG, the sex.....I've never had sex like this before. Maybe what I was having with my wife really wasn't sex... I want more!!! Gotta have more!

 

5) I love my wife, but I'm not in love with her.

 

6)Our relationship is different from every other relationship, we could make it through the storm of this whole D thing.

 

7) I can't leave my H/W - we have to work on things to see if theres anything there.

 

lol:laugh:

 

I'm an OW & I love it!

 

Especially the obligatory #4 OMG SEX!!! lol

 

Very astute. Well done.

[delirious]

So let's take the script further for those with experience:

 

1)Yeah I met this new person and she's really great.

2)I can talk to her about anything. She talks to me and makes me feel alive and like a man.

3)She's all I can think about. I want to spend more time with her and I don't care about consequences.

4)OMG, the sex.....I've never had sex like this before. Maybe what I was having with my wife really wasn't sex... I want more!!! Gotta have more!

5) I love my wife, but I'm not in love with her.

6)Our relationship is different from every other relationship, we could make it through the storm of this whole D thing.

7) I can't leave my H/W - we have to work on things to see if theres anything there.

 

8) Misses OW terribly, can't sleep - no I have changed my mind, let's start again, it will be better. Meanwhile amazing emotional reunion great sex great everything

 

9) talk about the future, maybe nights together, meals together,

 

10) OMG wife suspects something, must end it for a bit, feel so guilty

 

11) OW cries and cries, is heartbroken. W cries and cries knows something is wrong

 

12) Coast is clear, maybe I will leave, but let the dust settle for now, great emotional reunion, great sex

 

13) OW/OM desperately sad and cannot lead normal life again, no one can sleep or eat or be happy...

 

Anyone like to continue the script???

[WhereToGoFromHere]

So let's take the script further for those with experience:

 

1)Yeah I met this new person and she's really great.

2)I can talk to her about anything. She talks to me and makes me feel alive and like a man.

3)She's all I can think about. I want to spend more time with her and I don't care about consequences.

4)OMG, the sex.....I've never had sex like this before. Maybe what I was having with my wife really wasn't sex... I want more!!! Gotta have more!

5) I love my wife, but I'm not in love with her.

6)Our relationship is different from every other relationship, we could make it through the storm of this whole D thing.

7) I can't leave my H/W - we have to work on things to see if theres anything there.

 

8) Misses OW terribly, can't sleep - no I have changed my mind, let's start again, it will be better. Meanwhile amazing emotional reunion great sex great everything

 

9) talk about the future, maybe nights together, meals together,

 

10) OMG wife suspects something, must end it for a bit, feel so guilty

 

11) OW cries and cries, is heartbroken. W cries and cries knows something is wrong

 

12) Coast is clear, maybe I will leave, but let the dust settle for now, great emotional reunion, great sex

 

13) OW/OM desperately sad and cannot lead normal life again, no one can sleep or eat or be happy...

 

Anyone like to continue the script???

 

Maybe 14) $1000's spent on IC, MC, alcohol and anything else to get through the days, but saving money on food and groceries since there's no appetite??

[Hazyhead]

So let's take the script further for those with experience:

 

1)Yeah I met this new person and she's really great.

2)I can talk to her about anything. She talks to me and makes me feel alive and like a man.

3)She's all I can think about. I want to spend more time with her and I don't care about consequences.

4)OMG, the sex.....I've never had sex like this before. Maybe what I was having with my wife really wasn't sex... I want more!!! Gotta have more!

5) I love my wife, but I'm not in love with her.

6)Our relationship is different from every other relationship, we could make it through the storm of this whole D thing.

7) I can't leave my H/W - we have to work on things to see if theres anything there.

 

8) Misses OW terribly, can't sleep - no I have changed my mind, let's start again, it will be better. Meanwhile amazing emotional reunion great sex great everything

 

9) talk about the future, maybe nights together, meals together,

 

10) OMG wife suspects something, must end it for a bit, feel so guilty

 

11) OW cries and cries, is heartbroken. W cries and cries knows something is wrong

 

12) Coast is clear, maybe I will leave, but let the dust settle for now, great emotional reunion, great sex

 

13) OW/OM desperately sad and cannot lead normal life again, no one can sleep or eat or be happy...

 

Anyone like to continue the script???

 

Both of these posts are so spot on. Sorry to take away from your original thread question but I too have been there as OW, and was amazed after finding this site how textbook they all are... The 'What? But our love is so amazing! On a whole different level to everything else' feeling resonates from almost every poster in this position.

 

I agree with most of the other posters, be very cautious and think hard about the consequences of dragging two women along. Your OW might not mind now, but she will, and when she does you have the guilt on 'cheating' on her too.

 

Maybe the signs that you feel like this suggest a D is advisable now before your W finds out the hard way and you'll all come out of it much worse.

 

For me: 14) OW can't cope and 'wait' this time around.

 

15) MM feels even more pressure than ever before.

 

16) Another split, either forced by another Dday or pressure.

 

and I'm hoping since this is the stage I'm at for the last few weeks:

 

17)OW/OM truly gives it up and walks away to move on to a more secure life without MM and...

 

(I've no idea about this next bit because I have not contacted him and so shall it remain!)

[dazzle22]

Have you ever seen the movie, "what the bleep do we know about anything?" It breaks down strong euphoric emotions during infatuation into the true neurochemical reaction going on in our brains, and it is not unlike getting a hit of cocaine. Really worth a watch.

 

So it is little wonder that people feel so great and alive and get swept away. Your marriage has fallen into comfort and predictability. No great surges of exciting neurochemicals here except some oxytocin... Yawn. .....This new friendship makes you feel alive and sexy again.

 

But just like a hit of cocaine, the crash afterwards is bad. See if it helps to think of this as your brain awash with chemicals that are impairing your judgment. Good luck.

[Got it]

Oh jeez people not ALL affairs turn out like that.