OWoman Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Something else I want to add. Aside from the potential awkwardness around the table, I'm a bit concerned about this: My partner's already described his father to me - very personable, warm, and has warned me that he *will* find something to tease me about. His father sounds a lot like me, in that regard. I worry about coming across as too "friendly" with my partner's father, through the eyes of his mother, who might assume things about me. Does that make sense to anyone else? Nichole, I really don't think this is something you need worry about. Hearty banter between you and his father is unlikely to threaten his mother - she knows him, after all - and I'm sure both his mother and your SO will just be pleased you're getting on so well with his father. The fact that you're concerned about this shows that YOU'RE not entirely OK with how your R started. THEY may be perfectly OK with it. Cut yourself some slack - if you weren't a nice person, why would your SO be dumping his xW for you?
angie2443 Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 A big deal to me is people dying in Haiti because US foreign policy snarled up rescue efforts in bureaucracy. Or, families facing chronic unemployment as a result of economic policy idiocy which created a recession. Or, mindless racism which saw an innocent man stabbed to death when attempting to help out someone who was being mugged. It's called a sense of perspective. What on earth does the tragedy in Haiti have to do with affairs? I find it offensive that you use such a horrific situation to down play another person's post.
Confused4Now Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 What on earth does the tragedy in Haiti have to do with affairs? I find it offensive that you use such a horrific situation to down play another person's post. She was trying put things in perspective....I got that didn't you?
angie2443 Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 She was trying put things in perspective....I got that didn't you? She's attempting to discredit other people's pain by comparing it to an extreme situation. using this logic, that affairs (or any other painful situation) aren't bad because they don't compare to the tragedy in Haiti, is like punching your child in the stomach (any hurtful act can fit here) and saying it's no big deal because some children are beaten and then killed.
donnamaybe Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 She was trying put things in perspective....I got that didn't you? I'm certain the tragedy in Haiti is going to lessen the hurt of the discovery of an affair by a BS.
Fallen Angel Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 She's attempting to discredit other people's pain by comparing it to an extreme situation. using this logic, that affairs (or any other painful situation) aren't bad because they don't compare to the tragedy in Haiti, is like punching your child in the stomach (any hurtful act can fit here) and saying it's no big deal because some children are beaten and then killed. Wow, you really see that comment as being parallel to what she said? And people say I have issues? LMAO I swear this stuff just gets better everyday!!! Excuse me while I go potty, laughing so hard is making me have to pee!!
OWoman Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 She's attempting to discredit other people's pain by comparing it to an extreme situation. using this logic, that affairs (or any other painful situation) aren't bad because they don't compare to the tragedy in Haiti, is like punching your child in the stomach (any hurtful act can fit here) and saying it's no big deal because some children are beaten and then killed. If you look at the exchange, reproduced below, you'll see that nowhere did I attempt to "discredit" other people's pain. I simply responded to the accusation that I didn't consider an A to be a big deal by explaining that it isn't a big deal to me SINCE I'M NOT A BS. Nowhere did I deny that it might be a big deal to a BS. But I'm not one, so it's not a big deal to me. It's pretty clear to anyone who could be bothered to read, rather than to launch kneejerk attacks based on other kneejerk attacks, but hey, reading with comprehension is not everyone's strong suit. Hopefully this thread can return to topic and everyone else can put their hobbyhorses back in their boxes. You act like an affair is no big deal. Such a sad attitude. It isn't a big deal to me. I'm not a BS.
pureinheart Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 That is a tough one. I met the OW of a friend and disliked her immediately because I had also been the wife's friend. I could not stomach the situation and stopped dealing with him. It let me know his lack of integrity where prior I thought he was a nice fella. I also recently went to a wedding where one of the bride's maids was going through a divorce because she had met another guy. The bride and some of the other guests had been her friend since middle school. She brought the OM and both of them got a very cold attitude from everyone. The guy got all uncomfortable and began to drink too heavy. It was bad. The next morning, we all got a call to meet at everyone's favorite breakfast dinner before heading out. To show this woman how unhappy they all were with her, they gave her the wrong time to show up. We were all leaving when her and her guy were arriving. I could see it on her face too that she knew it was purposeful. You really bought a lot of what you are likely to have to deal with in the future. I hope he didn't have any kids........OH CRAP I see he does. Best thing I can say is just keep your cool and don't drink. Hi S4S, Wow, this is jmo, although that is a horrible way to treat someone...in your situation (first paragragh), you took sides and that is your right, although you did the right thing to remove yourself and not have further contact. It was just too hard for you to accept, and if I were in the OW's place I would certainly respect that. I never took sides when these situations took place....always welcomed the new woman/man.... Now this other situation was terrible, a very rude group of people, in that situation, even if I was not the "targets", I would have never spoken to any of those people again.
silktricks Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 geeez - a little off topic maybe??? Anyway, Nichole, don't worry about your visit to meet your guy's parents. If they love him, then they'll accept you. They could be a little reserved at first, but they love their son. He loves you. It'll all work out. Just be yourself. Don't feel like you need to apologize for ANYTHING. You don't. Your guy and his soon to be ex are acting like adults, and dealing with the situation very well. Certainly his parents will as well. Probably the biggest thing they worry about is whether or not this will affect how much they will be able to see their grandson in the future - hopefully it won't . Relax and have a glass of wine before you go to take the edge off... Oh shoot - I just realized this thread was opened LAST WEEK.... So, how DID it go?
pureinheart Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 My partner and I were involved while he was still married. He told his wife he was leaving in late November, introduced me as a 'friend' shortly after, and decided, on his own accord, to come clean to his ex-wife about the affair and our involvement in late December, just before the New Year. Part of coming clean to her meant coming clean to mutual friends and family as well, including his parents. His friends (actual friends, not 'friends-through-my-ex-wife') are quite happy for him, as they knew he was unsatisfied in his marriage. He's not super-close with his family, though, and the news of a divorce wasn't something they could really understand. They did not see that coming, with or without someone else in the picture. Once he admitted to having had an affair, he made a point of stating that I was going to be a part of his life, long-term. It's been almost a month now since that came out, and we're meeting his parents for lunch on Sunday. I've never been nervous about meeting parents in the past, but this is a bit different, seeing as they know that I was a part of his life while he was still married. And after lunch, they are actually visiting my partner's ex's home to visit with their grandchild (my partner's son). I can imagine this is feeling a bit strange all-around. Has anyone else been in these shoes - meeting parents once it's been known that you were once the OW? I'm interested to hear about other experiences. I'm posting this in the OM/OW forum even though I'm no longer the 'other', because I feel that is how I will still be thought of. Hi Nichole... Don't care what other people think of you, as no matter what you do people will be people...just be you, and you seem like a cool/caring person....soooo who cares! I have been the nicest person in the world and as long as I kept my opinion to myself, all was well...once I grew a personality, my own views, whatever, then came the opposition. As long as you go with whatever or whoever the "bully" or "bullies" are things will be fine... You know, this internet is one thing, still rudeness is not acceptable, but it is more likely here, although please do not be a people pleaser. If someone is jealous of you or thinks poorly of you it is their problem, not yours. My deal is to try to treat everyone with respect...there are times I see something uncool and go off, although most of the time am cool.... Just be you gf.....
sally4sara Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Hi S4S, Wow, this is jmo, although that is a horrible way to treat someone...in your situation (first paragragh), you took sides and that is your right, although you did the right thing to remove yourself and not have further contact. It was just too hard for you to accept, and if I were in the OW's place I would certainly respect that. I never took sides when these situations took place....always welcomed the new woman/man.... Now this other situation was terrible, a very rude group of people, in that situation, even if I was not the "targets", I would have never spoken to any of those people again. The second situation? The MW targeted the wedding, not everyone else targetting her and her man-child OM. Her choice removed her husband from an event with people who had known and cared about him for over 10 years and excluded her own children from attending as well because the bride didn't want her wedding to be the moment of discovery for a 7 and 9 year old that their mother was leaving their father for some drunk college kid. But it wasn't like she could be replaced so quickly, its not like her husband or kids could have worn the dress for her. SHE was rude. The way she was treated by everyone was kinder than the way she was treating her own family. Or do they not count because they don't live in Haiti? When I meet someone who can do these things to their loved ones..... When I meet someone who disregards the pain they might cause others...... All I see, is that no one else will ever be considered as important in the face of their wants. There will be no act too calculated or slimy for them to not consider in the face of their wants. I get rid of them from my life before they start seeing me as a speed bump between their next desire. But either way, these two situations were not really up for debate. They are not the current situation the OP is dealing with. They were simple examples of normal reactions she might encounter. Hopefully, now that the damage is dealt, she will conduct herself in the manner she wants to be seen rather than what her past actions will imply.
pureinheart Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 It's pretty unusual in these parts - I've never heard of that kind of spitefulness just because of an A I'm so glad I don't live in a place like that! It is very unusual behavior in my area also, it is not a behavior I would tolerate.
anne1707 Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Nichole A slightly different perspective - my father had an affair and left my mother for the OW. My brother and I (aged about 14-16) knew all this and still chose to live with our father (variety of reasons not relevant here). Anyway - this meant we were now living under the same roof as the OW. Whilst it did take some time for things to settle down, things did and my now stepmother is very much part of the family in my eyes.
pureinheart Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 The second situation? The MW targeted the wedding, not everyone else targetting her and her man-child OM. Her choice removed her husband from an event with people who had known and cared about him for over 10 years and excluded her own children from attending as well because the bride didn't want her wedding to be the moment of discovery for a 7 and 9 year old that their mother was leaving their father for some drunk college kid. But it wasn't like she could be replaced so quickly, its not like her husband or kids could have worn the dress for her. SHE was rude. The way she was treated by everyone was kinder than the way she was treating her own family. Or do they not count because they don't live in Haiti? When I meet someone who can do these things to their loved ones..... When I meet someone who disregards the pain they might cause others...... All I see, is that no one else will ever be considered as important in the face of their wants. There will be no act too calculated or slimy for them to not consider in the face of their wants. I get rid of them from my life before they start seeing me as a speed bump between their next desire. But either way, these two situations were not really up for debate. They are not the current situation the OP is dealing with. They were simple examples of normal reactions she might encounter. Hopefully, now that the damage is dealt, she will conduct herself in the manner she wants to be seen rather than what her past actions will imply. I understand what you are saying, oh yes, 2nd sitch....anyway...especially at a function such as this in my area, the people I was raised around would have treated her with respect and the person she brought with her also. There would have been no uncomfortable feeling with anyone even with the situation you described.
OWoman Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 But either way, these two situations were not really up for debate. They are not the current situation the OP is dealing with. so... what was the point of mentioning them? They were simple examples of normal reactions she might encounter. In that trailer park, perhaps; but out here in civilisation people don't treat each other that way, irrespective of their own issues.
fooled once Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 (edited) never mind...... Edited January 28, 2010 by fooled once
Fallen Angel Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 (edited) And IMHO, you don't have to be a betrayed spouse to be against cheating. Just like you don't have to be a former pill popper to be against drug dealing. I think that a "reformed OW" hating cheating is more along the lines of your analogy of the former pill popper hating the drug dealer, than the BS. Edited January 28, 2010 by Fallen Angel Edited for Fooled Once *wink*
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