Nichole Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 My partner and I were involved while he was still married. He told his wife he was leaving in late November, introduced me as a 'friend' shortly after, and decided, on his own accord, to come clean to his ex-wife about the affair and our involvement in late December, just before the New Year. Part of coming clean to her meant coming clean to mutual friends and family as well, including his parents. His friends (actual friends, not 'friends-through-my-ex-wife') are quite happy for him, as they knew he was unsatisfied in his marriage. He's not super-close with his family, though, and the news of a divorce wasn't something they could really understand. They did not see that coming, with or without someone else in the picture. Once he admitted to having had an affair, he made a point of stating that I was going to be a part of his life, long-term. It's been almost a month now since that came out, and we're meeting his parents for lunch on Sunday. I've never been nervous about meeting parents in the past, but this is a bit different, seeing as they know that I was a part of his life while he was still married. And after lunch, they are actually visiting my partner's ex's home to visit with their grandchild (my partner's son). I can imagine this is feeling a bit strange all-around. Has anyone else been in these shoes - meeting parents once it's been known that you were once the OW? I'm interested to hear about other experiences. I'm posting this in the OM/OW forum even though I'm no longer the 'other', because I feel that is how I will still be thought of.
Author Nichole Posted January 22, 2010 Author Posted January 22, 2010 Something else I want to add. Aside from the potential awkwardness around the table, I'm a bit concerned about this: My partner's already described his father to me - very personable, warm, and has warned me that he *will* find something to tease me about. His father sounds a lot like me, in that regard. I worry about coming across as too "friendly" with my partner's father, through the eyes of his mother, who might assume things about me. Does that make sense to anyone else?
2sure Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 I worry about coming across as too "friendly" with my partner's father, through the eyes of his mother, who might assume things about me. OK, I dont have the answers to anything for you but the above comment broke my heart. You are afraid his mother will view you as some kind of tramp. NO. NO. NO. You arent right? You arent going to act like one, because you are not. You need not modify yourself because you are not. This is hard, yes. Awkward - for everyone, yes. But its the way it is. They love their son, they may love his ex, they will eventually love you too probably. My only concern really is ....that he isnt divorced yet.
Author Nichole Posted January 22, 2010 Author Posted January 22, 2010 My only concern really is ....that he isnt divorced yet. You're right about this. In the province we live in, a couple cannot file for divorce until they have been separated for 12 months - the exception to that is in the case of infidelity, in which case the betrayed spouse (not the legal term!) can file immediately. The morning after he came clean, his ex expressed desire to go that route. She's not mentioned it since. Insofar as my comfort level with this - so much has happened in the past bit. This past Monday, he signed their marital home over to her and removed his name from the mortgage. Last Friday, he signed the closing papers on his new home, and the official closing date is February 1st. They've both started classes on "Parenting through Divorce", and he mentioned last night that his ex is seeing someone new. They've managed to work out a visitation schedule that works for both. Things are really settling down and feeling real. OK, I dont have the answers to anything for you but the above comment broke my heart. You are afraid his mother will view you as some kind of tramp. NO. NO. NO. You arent right? You arent going to act like one, because you are not. You need not modify yourself because you are not. Thank you for this. I know I'm not. I do feel that some 'first impressions' were made quite some time ago, and it's a bit unfortunate that I was introduced as the OW. I know I can't go back and change that, and I'm just happy to be honest, from this point forward.
sally4sara Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 That is a tough one. I met the OW of a friend and disliked her immediately because I had also been the wife's friend. I could not stomach the situation and stopped dealing with him. It let me know his lack of integrity where prior I thought he was a nice fella. I also recently went to a wedding where one of the bride's maids was going through a divorce because she had met another guy. The bride and some of the other guests had been her friend since middle school. She brought the OM and both of them got a very cold attitude from everyone. The guy got all uncomfortable and began to drink too heavy. It was bad. The next morning, we all got a call to meet at everyone's favorite breakfast dinner before heading out. To show this woman how unhappy they all were with her, they gave her the wrong time to show up. We were all leaving when her and her guy were arriving. I could see it on her face too that she knew it was purposeful. You really bought a lot of what you are likely to have to deal with in the future. I hope he didn't have any kids........OH CRAP I see he does. Best thing I can say is just keep your cool and don't drink.
Fallen Angel Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 Nichole, Obviously there is something about you that your man loves, and he wants to share you with the people who are important to him. That is how you need to view this, YOU ARE SO LOVED BY HIM THAT HE WANTS THE IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN HIS LIFE TO HAVE THE PLEASURE OF KNOWING YOU!!! If you go into this lunch with that in mind, it will be much easier on you. Obviously neither you nor your man can change the way other people will judge you, but I assure you that any parent who loves their child, will treat you with respect, and give you the benefit of the doubt. (After all, their own child was the one who was breaking his vows...if they judge you poorly because of it, they also have to judge him poorly.) I am sure his parents will be kind, but the more uncomfortable you expect it to be, the more uncomfortable it WILL be for everyone. Just relax, be yourself, and give THEM the benefit of the doubt. While I have not had the pleasure of meeting My MMs parents, (both are deceased ) I have been introduced to some of his friends.. and they love me, because they love him and he loves me. (Plus, I am lovable like that! )
Fallen Angel Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 That is a tough one. I met the OW of a friend and disliked her immediately because I had also been the wife's friend. I could not stomach the situation and stopped dealing with him. It let me know his lack of integrity where prior I thought he was a nice fella. I also recently went to a wedding where one of the bride's maids was going through a divorce because she had met another guy. The bride and some of the other guests had been her friend since middle school. She brought the OM and both of them got a very cold attitude from everyone. The guy got all uncomfortable and began to drink too heavy. It was bad. The next morning, we all got a call to meet at everyone's favorite breakfast dinner before heading out. To show this woman how unhappy they all were with her, they gave her the wrong time to show up. We were all leaving when her and her guy were arriving. I could see it on her face too that she knew it was purposeful. You really bought a lot of what you are likely to have to deal with in the future. I hope he didn't have any kids........OH CRAP I see he does. Best thing I can say is just keep your cool and don't drink. What a horrible way to treat someone!!! The people you described were obviously NOT this girls friend. A FRIEND would NEVER treat a FRIEND like that, ever!!! They were just hateful, judgemental, childish, and rude. And in my opinion, if the bride felt that way, she should have been mature enough to ask her own bride's maid to not attend the wedding at all. What a statement that makes about the people who snubbed this woman! Shame on them! I hope when their own halo's tilt a bit, that they have better people than they are to help support them in their time of need. And I must say, how dissappointing to hear that you took part in such hateful behaviour.
Got it Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 Nicole, I have not met my MM's family but will in the next few months. He has met my family and they love him! I have one family member that isn't over the moon about things but he has every right to his opinion he just has to be respectful of everyone. I share your worries but have faith in him not putting you in a bad situation. Good luck!
Got it Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 That is a tough one. I met the OW of a friend and disliked her immediately because I had also been the wife's friend. I could not stomach the situation and stopped dealing with him. It let me know his lack of integrity where prior I thought he was a nice fella. I also recently went to a wedding where one of the bride's maids was going through a divorce because she had met another guy. The bride and some of the other guests had been her friend since middle school. She brought the OM and both of them got a very cold attitude from everyone. The guy got all uncomfortable and began to drink too heavy. It was bad. The next morning, we all got a call to meet at everyone's favorite breakfast dinner before heading out. To show this woman how unhappy they all were with her, they gave her the wrong time to show up. We were all leaving when her and her guy were arriving. I could see it on her face too that she knew it was purposeful. You really bought a lot of what you are likely to have to deal with in the future. I hope he didn't have any kids........OH CRAP I see he does. Best thing I can say is just keep your cool and don't drink. Jeez, what are they . . . high schoolers!?!
Virgo1982 Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 Something else I want to add. Aside from the potential awkwardness around the table, I'm a bit concerned about this: My partner's already described his father to me - very personable, warm, and has warned me that he *will* find something to tease me about. His father sounds a lot like me, in that regard. I worry about coming across as too "friendly" with my partner's father, through the eyes of his mother, who might assume things about me. Does that make sense to anyone else? DO NOT WORRY. Whether she does think something or not, she would have to think something about her son as well. Also, a mother usually wants her son to be happy. I understand why you are concerned, but I wish you weren't.
Fallen Angel Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 Nicole, I have not met my MM's family but will in the next few months. He has met my family and they love him! I have one family member that isn't over the moon about things but he has every right to his opinion he just has to be respectful of everyone. I share your worries but have faith in him not putting you in a bad situation. Good luck! Good Point.. My family has "met" My MM online, and on the phone.. the only reason they haven't met him in person is because they live several states away. But they have been very kind, even though they know of his maritial status.. why? Because they love me, and he makes me happy, so.. since he makes me happy, they accept him. They do not love the fact that he is still in his marriage, but they love that he makes me happy. Also, my children know My MM. They spend time with him often, all of us together. My children LOVE My MM, and My MM LOVES My children. My two oldest children know MMs maritial status (their oh so wonderful father thought that "your mom's new boyfriend is married to someone else, but your mom is such a wh*re that she still f*cks him" was a good thing to tell our then 14, 9 and 4 yr old children). The two oldest have not forgotten it, the youngest has. Even knowing, they still love him because not only is he a wonderful person, but again because they love me and he loves me and makes me happy.. so they love him as an extension of loving me... I say again Nichole, just relax, and go to lunch anticipating GOOD things... if you are looking forward to it rather than dreading it, your comfort and disposition will go a long way in making everyone else more comfortable.
OWoman Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 I was introduced to my H's family while we were still in the A. They were nothing but welcoming. They love him and want him to be happy - and, since they saw that he was happy with me, they were happy for us. If your SO's family care for him, they'll be glad he found someone who loves him, who he loves, and they'll be glad you're happy together. That's what really matters.
sally4sara Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 What a horrible way to treat someone!!! The people you described were obviously NOT this girls friend. A FRIEND would NEVER treat a FRIEND like that, ever!!! They were just hateful, judgemental, childish, and rude. And in my opinion, if the bride felt that way, she should have been mature enough to ask her own bride's maid to not attend the wedding at all. What a statement that makes about the people who snubbed this woman! Shame on them! I hope when their own halo's tilt a bit, that they have better people than they are to help support them in their time of need. And I must say, how dissappointing to hear that you took part in such hateful behaviour. You might not like their behavior but it is not an unusual attitude people who take part in illicit affairs face when dealing with all the people they've disappointed and hurt. AND the affair person usually gets splashed with it too for having taken part in the affair. From what I understood, the girl was the Maid of Honor and didn't come out with this affair and OM till it was too late to find someone else to stand in for her. As for what part I took? I showed up. I was told the back story at the reception and I ate breakfast the next morning. I don't even remember the snubbed girl's name! Let alone organized any or the snubbing. What you think I did or participated in has much more to do with what YOU would expect someone to do and much less to do with what I actually did. These were all old college friend's and their spouses of my husband; I barely knew 95 percent of them.
OWoman Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 You might not like their behavior but it is not an unusual attitude people who take part in illicit affairs face when dealing with all the people they've disappointed and hurt. AND the affair person usually gets splashed with it too for having taken part in the affair. It's pretty unusual in these parts - I've never heard of that kind of spitefulness just because of an A I'm so glad I don't live in a place like that!
greengoddess Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 It's pretty unusual in these parts - I've never heard of that kind of spitefulness just because of an A I'm so glad I don't live in a place like that! You act like an affair is no big deal. Such a sad attitude.
OWoman Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 You act like an affair is no big deal. Such a sad attitude. It isn't a big deal to me. I'm not a BS.
greengoddess Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 It isn't a big deal to me. I'm not a BS. Such compassion...
OWoman Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Such compassion... A big deal to me is people dying in Haiti because US foreign policy snarled up rescue efforts in bureaucracy. Or, families facing chronic unemployment as a result of economic policy idiocy which created a recession. Or, mindless racism which saw an innocent man stabbed to death when attempting to help out someone who was being mugged. It's called a sense of perspective.
NoIDidn't Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Jeez, what are they . . . high schoolers!?! Nah, they were just newlyweds that weren't interested in having the ugly reality that it could happen to them thrown in their face so soon after their wedding day. I think the OW should have told them in advance instead of putting them in that position to begin with. Can you imagine being so happy about just getting married and everyone so happy for you, and having to listen to or watch the two that were part of an adulterous relationship poo-poo your feelings because of *their* situation? I wouldn't have wanted them there either, but I would have found someone else, or just omitted her from my ceremony up front instead of snubbing her in that way. I can't imagine anyone wanting that at their wedding.
greengoddess Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 A big deal to me is people dying in Haiti because US foreign policy snarled up rescue efforts in bureaucracy. Or, families facing chronic unemployment as a result of economic policy idiocy which created a recession. Or, mindless racism which saw an innocent man stabbed to death when attempting to help out someone who was being mugged. It's called a sense of perspective. LOL so crushing a family clawing your way through married men till you find the one to love is nothing. Such minor things because hell there are worse things in the world. lol
Got it Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Nah, they were just newlyweds that weren't interested in having the ugly reality that it could happen to them thrown in their face so soon after their wedding day. I think the OW should have told them in advance instead of putting them in that position to begin with. Can you imagine being so happy about just getting married and everyone so happy for you, and having to listen to or watch the two that were part of an adulterous relationship poo-poo your feelings because of *their* situation? I wouldn't have wanted them there either, but I would have found someone else, or just omitted her from my ceremony up front instead of snubbing her in that way. I can't imagine anyone wanting that at their wedding. Okay but since many will bash the OW for her "coping mechanisms" isn't this passive aggressive shunning another poor form? Why invite them to the wedding then? At some point they were wanted or they never would have been there. Unless, were they crashing the wedding?
MizzBlue72 Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 You might not like their behavior but it is not an unusual attitude people who take part in illicit affairs face when dealing with all the people they've disappointed and hurt. AND the affair person usually gets splashed with it too for having taken part in the affair. From what I understood, the girl was the Maid of Honor and didn't come out with this affair and OM till it was too late to find someone else to stand in for her. As for what part I took? I showed up. I was told the back story at the reception and I ate breakfast the next morning. I don't even remember the snubbed girl's name! Let alone organized any or the snubbing. What you think I did or participated in has much more to do with what YOU would expect someone to do and much less to do with what I actually did. These were all old college friend's and their spouses of my husband; I barely knew 95 percent of them. Still doesn't make it right ...... Everyone judging the OW like that, when looking back in the mirror .... hmm.
OWoman Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 LOL so crushing a family clawing your way through married men till you find the one to love is nothing. I wouldn't know - I've never done that nor had that done to me. Why you bring it up when it's so clearly off-topic is also beyond me
sally4sara Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Still doesn't make it right ...... Everyone judging the OW like that, when looking back in the mirror .... hmm. Maaaaannnnn talk about making this way personal! It wasn't even an OW. It was an OM. Taking it SOOOOO personal you can't even read it right. Jeez! This sub-forum is like a trip down the rabbit hole! Look, everyone had known the girl since somewhere around age 12. She met the her husband in college and is now a professor at a uni herself. That means everyone had also known her husband forever too and actually cared about him too. Her last minute announcement was selfishly ill timed. Her insistence on bringing OM (a student of her's too!) meant that they had to dis-include her husband and kids - whom everyone had years of knowing invested in as well, all for her turn on a dime choice and some 22 year old guy who couldn't hold his drink. They treated him like he wasn't there (same way he treated the existence of her husband and kids) and then discluded her from a meal at a diner the next morning - waaayyy less hurtful than her husband and kids not being able to be a part of the wedding and ceremony. And the fact that some of you can't even see that or remember it isn't you I'm talking about only goes to show further how completely warped a mindset one has to have to really not give a damn about how their wants are not paramount and just steamroller over other peoples' lives for some immediate gratification and the need, not just to be chosen, but to be chosen over someone else. THAT is why you sleep with someone who has obligations elsewhere and won't even build some integrity with you. You don't know what it means.
OWoman Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 THAT is why you sleep with someone who has obligations elsewhere and won't even build some integrity with you. You don't know what it means. Gosh! That's quite an accusation!
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