Should I or shouldn't I?

[Absolutely Curtains]

My b/f recently asked me to move in with him; I said I would think about it. He has said before that he thinks living together before marriage is a good idea to test out the relationship. I disagree with him, so I have a lot of thinking to do.

 

My first question is if two people feel differently about this, what do you do? And is it a dealbreaker do you think?

 

My second concern is that he owns his home, so rather than paying rent, I would be contributing to his mortgage, or essentially paying him rent. All of the utilities, satellite tv, etc. are in his name. So my name wouldn't be on the mortgage, wouldn't be on a lease, wouldn't be on any utilities. And obviously if we broke up, I'd be in a really awkward position of trying to find another place to live and having to move out. What are people's thoughts on this? For some reason the fact that he is the home owner makes me feel even more wary and vulnerable in this situation.

[torranceshipman]

I find your concerns a bit weird - if he owns the place why would you want your name on it? nd not having to be tied to a mortgage OR utilities? Awesome. You're lucky. It is a totally risk free move in that sense.

 

And if it doesn't work out, why can't you just move out? There'd be plenty of other places for you to rent.

 

I think you two are ideal candidates to live together before M - if you are so different in THIS idea, imagine how incompatible you might be in other areas (or not!). I totally think you guys need to live together on a trial basis and get to know eachother a bit before even considering the idea of M.

 

When my boyfriend asked me if we could move in together I was over the moon...are you sure you aren't worrying about this because you might be unsure about him?

[Absolutely Curtains]

I find your concerns a bit weird - if he owns the place why would you want your name on it? nd not having to be tied to a mortgage OR utilities? Awesome. You're lucky. It is a totally risk free move in that sense.

 

And if it doesn't work out, why can't you just move out? There'd be plenty of other places for you to rent.

 

I think you two are ideal candidates to live together before M - if you are so different in THIS idea, imagine how incompatible you might be in other areas (or not!). I totally think you guys need to live together on a trial basis and get to know eachother a bit before even considering the idea of M.

 

When my boyfriend asked me if we could move in together I was over the moon...are you sure you aren't worrying about this because you might be unsure about him?

To clarify why those things are issues to me:

• As the homeowner, he has more power
  
• Having your name on a lease if you're renting is a good way to build credit
  
• It's not as easy to "just find another place and move out" as you seem to think - in addition to finding an affordable place and interviewing with roommates and checking out the new places it requires credit reports being obtained, references from past landlords, and a LOT of money up front (usually 2 months' rent and a security deposit)
  
• Since he's a homeowner and not renting, that means anything that breaks WE (if I lived with him) need to pay for and fix ourselves...but if we break up I'm making a big investment (towards his mortgage or equity or whatever, in addition to upkeep on the house and any added value), but getting nothing out of it or to show for it
  

[txsilkysmoothe]

For some reason the fact that he is the home owner makes me feel even more wary and vulnerable in this situation.

 

You obviously don't trust him or the situation enough to feel: 1.) it's going to work and 2.) if it doesn't work, he will give you time to find a place(meaning not just lock you out one day).

 

You shouldn't live with someone you do not trust.

 

And what part is it you feel differently about? Is this about sex?

[OceanTropic]

If you are concerned about nothing being under your name, talk to him about it. Im sure he would be willing to make a compromise.

 

Why do you think moving in before marriage is a bad idea? I think he is right, you need to see what it would be like. Imagine you two get married, move in, and realize its not working, then you have to pay thousands of dollars for a divorce lawyer, and its gonna be really messy.

 

Why not try the water out? I don't see the harm.

[Absolutely Curtains]

You obviously don't trust him or the situation enough to feel: 1.) it's going to work and 2.) if it doesn't work, he will give you time to find a place(meaning not just lock you out one day).

 

You shouldn't live with someone you do not trust.

 

And what part is it you feel differently about? Is this about sex?

 

Well if someone asked you to live with them because they wanted to "test" whether or not they might want to consider marrying you, would you trust that the situation was going to work?

 

I do think he's a decent person and would give me time to find a place, but where I live it usually takes several months (3 or 4) for that to happen, unless you get really lucky. How awkward and crappy to have to live with your ex for that long in HIS home after you break up. That's a long time to sleep on the couch. Or I suppose getting a blow up mattress would be an option.

 

I would feel more comfortable in such a situation if we were both in the same boat and on equal footing, which clearly we are not when he has all the power as the homeowner.

 

I'm not a virgin and don't have any problems with sex, but I'm not sure if I want to answer that question, because I don't want this to turn into another thread about who's attitude about living together before marriage is correct - I see there's already one of those on the first page of this forum. Basically, I just don't feel that living together is a crucial step in deciding if you want to marry someone or not.

[Absolutely Curtains]

If you are concerned about nothing being under your name, talk to him about it. Im sure he would be willing to make a compromise.

 

Why do you think moving in before marriage is a bad idea? I think he is right, you need to see what it would be like. Imagine you two get married, move in, and realize its not working, then you have to pay thousands of dollars for a divorce lawyer, and its gonna be really messy.

 

Why not try the water out? I don't see the harm.

 

We spend plenty of time together to already know whether our relationship would work out, IMO. I already practically live there.

 

What would change about who he is, or who I am, or what our values are if we moved in together? NOTHING. I suppose you're right in the sense that, if our relationship didn't work out because he had a huge problem with how much toilet paper I used, or how often I ordered take out instead of cooking, then **** him. I just think that's silly.

[txsilkysmoothe]

Well if someone asked you to live with them because they wanted to "test" whether or not they might want to consider marrying you, would you trust that the situation was going to work?

 

I do think he's a decent person and would give me time to find a place, but where I live it usually takes several months (3 or 4) for that to happen, unless you get really lucky. How awkward and crappy to have to live with your ex for that long in HIS home after you break up. That's a long time to sleep on the couch. Or I suppose getting a blow up mattress would be an option.

 

I would feel more comfortable in such a situation if we were both in the same boat and on equal footing, which clearly we are not when he has all the power as the homeowner.

 

I'm not a virgin and don't have any problems with sex, but I'm not sure if I want to answer that question, because I don't want this to turn into another thread about who's attitude about living together before marriage is correct - I see there's already one of those on the first page of this forum. Basically, I just don't feel that living together is a crucial step in deciding if you want to marry someone or not.

 

I'm not getting the sense that you WANT to do this so just say no.

 

If you do want to do it, ask him to compromise - you continue to lease where you are now while living with him. It's not going to cost him more than he is paying now and you have a place to go if it doesn't work out.

 

While I respect your privacy, I think it's important that you ask and we answer the "real" question. As is, the two of you may already be sexual and you are only concerned about living arrangements. The responses are going to address just that................. BUT, if "living together" really means "starting" a sexual relationship - that is an entirely different subject and will produce entirely different responses.

 

Either way, I really don't think you are ready for this - but I'm not sure what "this" is.

[O'Malley]

How long have you been together? Have you discussed a timeline for marriage? Children? Separate or joint finances?

 

It sounds like you are partially doing this, but why not suggest a compromise: he stays at your place at times and you spend time in his home. Periods of time, not just the occasional overnight visit. It's a matter of him adapting to and sharing your lifestyle as well, not just your adapting to his.

 

I would not move in until you are 100% comfortable with the idea. If he strongly believes cohabitation is the natural progression to marriage and you do not, it's a matter of overall compatibility.

[OceanTropic]

What would change about who he is, or who I am, or what our values are if we moved in together? NOTHING.

 

Exactly. So why do you have to wait until after marriage?

Edited January 22, 2010 by OceanTropic

[OnlyJake]

I'm not getting the sense that you WANT to do this so just say no.

 

If you do want to do it, ask him to compromise - you continue to lease where you are now while living with him. It's not going to cost him more than he is paying now and you have a place to go if it doesn't work out.

 

While I respect your privacy, I think it's important that you ask and we answer the "real" question. As is, the two of you may already be sexual and you are only concerned about living arrangements. The responses are going to address just that................. BUT, if "living together" really means "starting" a sexual relationship - that is an entirely different subject and will produce entirely different responses.

 

Either way, I really don't think you are ready for this - but I'm not sure what "this" is.

............

 

Sorry, ranting in the wrong thread.

[xpaperxcutx]

I would want my name on that lease.

[Absolutely Curtains]

Exactly. So why do you have to wait until after marriage?

I think the real question is, that being the case, why wouldn't I wait until after marriage?

I'm not getting the sense that you WANT to do this so just say no.

 

If you do want to do it, ask him to compromise - you continue to lease where you are now while living with him. It's not going to cost him more than he is paying now and you have a place to go if it doesn't work out.

 

While I respect your privacy, I think it's important that you ask and we answer the "real" question. As is, the two of you may already be sexual and you are only concerned about living arrangements. The responses are going to address just that................. BUT, if "living together" really means "starting" a sexual relationship - that is an entirely different subject and will produce entirely different responses.

 

Either way, I really don't think you are ready for this - but I'm not sure what "this" is.

We do have sex.

 

How long have you been together? Have you discussed a timeline for marriage? Children? Separate or joint finances?

 

It sounds like you are partially doing this, but why not suggest a compromise: he stays at your place at times and you spend time in his home. Periods of time, not just the occasional overnight visit. It's a matter of him adapting to and sharing your lifestyle as well, not just your adapting to his.

 

I would not move in until you are 100% comfortable with the idea. If he strongly believes cohabitation is the natural progression to marriage and you do not, it's a matter of overall compatibility.

We've been together for a couple years. We haven't discussed a hard and fast timeline for marriage, though he alludes to it. We have talked about kids. We haven't talked about finances, though at one point he did "throw out there" that we live off his income (while I'm living with him, not after marriage) and invest all of mine.

 

I would want my name on that lease.

 

What's your reasoning?

[xpaperxcutx]

 

What's your reasoning?

 

You're giving up your own current personal property to be with him. Suppose you do break up, chances are you would have helped him pay rent and he could still kick you out.

 

Not just security measure, but if you're sharing everything, wouldn't his house count as well?

[txsilkysmoothe]

If living together doesn't change anything yet you have objections, it sounds like one or more of the following may be issues:

 

1.) You are ready to marry and he is not

 

2.) You want to be engaged and he does not

 

3.) Living together is HIS suggested compromise to marriage/engagement

 

4.) You believe living together will decrease the likelihood of engagement/marriage

 

5.) You're questioning his love and/or commitment if he isn't ready to marry you

 

I think two years of good relationship is enough to decide if you want to marry a person. Of course I don't know if those two years have been good. After two years, If I wanted to marry a man and he did not want to marry me and his reasons were not good ones, I would have to consider ending the relationship.

[New_Life08]

I am in a similar situation. My bf has asked me (and my kids) to move in with him. He owns his home too. The only part that bothers me is that my kids are involved. I do not want them to feel uncomfortable, and like you said it is NOT so easy to find another place.

 

I think both of you need to agree on some rules. If the house is in need of repair it is his responsibility. It would not be wise to move in with someone and sink thousands of $$ into a house which you share no ownership. I think helping out with some things aside from rent etc (such as painting or whatever) is cool since you live there too. But the big, costly things should be his responsibility.

 

My ex sister-in-law dated a guy, moved in with him...they were supposed to get married and she sunk about $10,000 into his home and business.... he dumped her and she was SOL.

 

I think you can do this without it causing too many problems. If it seems like he is asking you to move in for financial reasons alone, you might want to think it over.

[Absolutely Curtains]

If living together doesn't change anything yet you have objections, it sounds like one or more of the following may be issues:

 

1.) You are ready to marry and he is not

 

2.) You want to be engaged and he does not

 

3.) Living together is HIS suggested compromise to marriage/engagement

 

4.) You believe living together will decrease the likelihood of engagement/marriage

 

5.) You're questioning his love and/or commitment if he isn't ready to marry you

 

I think two years of good relationship is enough to decide if you want to marry a person. Of course I don't know if those two years have been good. After two years, If I wanted to marry a man and he did not want to marry me and his reasons were not good ones, I would have to consider ending the relationship.

Yes x5....I agree with everything you've said. We haven't had any major issues in our relationship, and I can count on one hand the number of fights we've had. We've bickered maybe half a dozen times, tops.

 

I'm not even ready to be married RIGHT NOW, but I feel like the next logical step at this point is working toward an engagement (like saving for a ring maybe), not living together. I suppose that I might be a little suspicious that this is his way of dragging things out. I guess part of the reason I feel that way is when he mentions marriage I feel like it's a carrot on a stick and not a real promise.

 

I guess maybe I'm not as against living together before marriage as I am giving up so many things without a concrete promise of a future. This is only a good thing for him, on the other hand.

 

Thanks for your help, that simplifies my feelings on this.

[meerkat stew]

You shouldn't move in with him, simple as that. Personally, I think you are way overthinking some of the issues you have with moving in with him. It's as if you have sat down and done a complete cost-benefit analysis where most of the costs don't make sense.

 

For example:

 

there are tons of ways to build credit, and having a name on a lease is not a particularly good one. This is a pretty obvious straw man.

 

You type as if paying him rent and utilities is somehow unjustly enriching him at your expense, that is not the case. He could get a tenant regardless of whether it's you or not, and you will likely pay rent and utilities wherever you live.

 

Before considering it as a detriment or disadvantage, you should qualify this supposed "power imbalance." Are you afraid he is going to monopolize the remote and say "neener neener my house my remote"? I fail to see an issue here.

 

We are all aware that it sometimes takes quite a while to find -ideal- lodgings in a large city. We are also aware that temporary lodgings are quite easy to come by. This is a real issue, but IMO a minor one.

 

Of course you aren't liable for home improvements, and it is a five minute conversation deciding to what extent you would be responsible for repairs. I think this is another straw man.

 

So, are you going to tell us the -real- issue? The above reasons are obvious window dressing. It's ok, we are just faceless folks on the net. It's ok if you perceive this as giving up independence or not moving an agenda of marriage along as you like. Those are legitimate issues for someone in a two year relationship. The reasons you list, though, just don't hold water. "Building credit?" really?

[torranceshipman]

To clarify why those things are issues to me:

• As the homeowner, he has more power
  
• Having your name on a lease if you're renting is a good way to build credit
  
• It's not as easy to "just find another place and move out" as you seem to think - in addition to finding an affordable place and interviewing with roommates and checking out the new places it requires credit reports being obtained, references from past landlords, and a LOT of money up front (usually 2 months' rent and a security deposit)
  
• Since he's a homeowner and not renting, that means anything that breaks WE (if I lived with him) need to pay for and fix ourselves...but if we break up I'm making a big investment (towards his mortgage or equity or whatever, in addition to upkeep on the house and any added value), but getting nothing out of it or to show for it
  

 

Sweetie you don't need to point out no 3 to me, we all have to face that kinda thing and it isn't THAT hard - it can be done, the world does it.

 

I think from the sounds of all this, you don't trust him at ALL - if you feel there's a weird power dynamic going on already, that's totally not good. Andthe other stuff about resenting contributions to his mortgage and breakables, that's a bit strange, too. Why should that be a problem?

 

I get the feeling you completely resent him already for asking you to move in with him before M, which is a horrible and difficult state of affairs for the 2 of you. So in answer to your original question, it might be too big a compatibility issue for you guys to get over. That's unless he marries you to appease you, which he is not ready for, and that'd lead to big resentment from him farther into the M which you wouldnt want. I don't think either of you are right or wrong from our standpoints - just very, very different and not compatible.

 

Btw you sound kinda worked up over my post, I wasn't trying to flame you! Just trying to give a bit of advice.

[Stung]

We spend plenty of time together to already know whether our relationship would work out, IMO. I already practically live there.

 

What would change about who he is, or who I am, or what our values are if we moved in together? NOTHING. I suppose you're right in the sense that, if our relationship didn't work out because he had a huge problem with how much toilet paper I used, or how often I ordered take out instead of cooking, then **** him. I just think that's silly.

 

 

I disagree pretty strongly with the above, but then I am an advocate of living together before marriage...because I wanted to end up happily married, not just married. Before I met the man who is now my husband, I had a few serious relationships and ended up living with a couple of them, after extended periods where I 'practically lived there.' And actually living together was different from practically living together, and got more different as time went on, and more issues arose and major incompatabilities surfaced. I can't say what will happen in the future in my marriage, but we are very happy and I feel secure...if I had married either of those men, I know for a fact I would be divorced by now.

Just my experience.

 

As for the practical matters: if you decide to move in with him, address these issues first. He should be perfectly willing to reassign some utilities into your name, even if you were to get married it's in his best interest for you to have strong credit. He might consider drawing up a quickie sublet contract so you have your name on a lease, as well, if you're adamant about taking it that far, though that runs some risks for him if you break up acrimoniously and turn out to be a real b*tch. Save some of each paycheck to put into your 'just in case' 2 month deposit in case you have to move out in a hurry, if you have the funds readily available I find it a little hard to imagine it would take 4 months to find a place and relocate.

[OceanTropic]

I think the real question is, that being the case, why wouldn't I wait until after marriage??

 

Huh? You're not making any sense. Stop trying to justify NOT moving in with him. If you don't want to, then don't do it.

 

I'm starting to get the feeling that you don't want to move in now, because if you do, he might hold off marriage. Do you think that you need to wait to move in so he proposes first? Are you afraid that if you move in, he won't feel the need to propose?

 

Cuz by your answers, you seem really defensive, and you DONT want to move in before marriage. Im just trying to understand why that makes any difference at all, since clearly it's so important for you to get married first.

 

Is it tradition? Culture? Does your family insist you get married first?

[Absolutely Curtains]

I think both of you need to agree on some rules. If the house is in need of repair it is his responsibility. It would not be wise to move in with someone and sink thousands of $$ into a house which you share no ownership. I think helping out with some things aside from rent etc (such as painting or whatever) is cool since you live there too. But the big, costly things should be his responsibility.

 

I think you can do this without it causing too many problems. If it seems like he is asking you to move in for financial reasons alone, you might want to think it over.

Okay, so this is something that should be discussed beforehand. As far as I'm aware, his house isn't in need of anything in particular, it's more like I know he's planning on making certain improvements in the spring. For example, he recently got a new roof because his was leaking, but he hasn't fixed the ceiling where it was leaking yet. He's also planning on refinishing his deck (or whatever it's called when you put that smelly protection stuff on). Things that if I were renting I wouldn't have to pay for, the landlord would pay for. If it were my home (my name/our name on the mortgage) I wouldn't have a problem contributing toward those improvements, but as it stands now I do have an issue with that. Of course, these are just things that I'm thinking about ('m making a list of things to talk about with him before making a decision), I don't know that he expects me to help pay for things like that.

 

there are tons of ways to build credit, and having a name on a lease is not a particularly good one. This is a pretty obvious straw man.

Well I already do have good credit. My concern (which I agree is probably misplaced, and definitely petty) is more along the lines of paying hundreds of dollars a month toward something that is not helping my credit, nor paying down my own mortgage.

 

Before considering it as a detriment or disadvantage, you should qualify this supposed "power imbalance." Are you afraid he is going to monopolize the remote and say "neener neener my house my remote"? I fail to see an issue here.

Two concerns with a "power imbalance":

1. He would expect things to be done his way, since it's his house, as opposed to compromising because it's "our" house. Kind of like the stereotype of older "bachelors" who get set in their ways.

 

2. Because he has the advantage of not having to find a new place to live and move out, (deep down, if I'm honest with myself) I guess I'm worried that he'll be more likely to break up with me than work an issue out. Of course this could happen if we weren't living together, but if we weren't living together I wouldn't have to worry about being stuck there while going through the stress of finding a new place and moving.

 

So, are you going to tell us the -real- issue? The above reasons are obvious window dressing. It's ok, we are just faceless folks on the net. It's ok if you perceive this as giving up independence or not moving an agenda of marriage along as you like. Those are legitimate issues for someone in a two year relationship. The reasons you list, though, just don't hold water. "Building credit?" really?

It's probably that I'm equal parts neurotic (what's the worst that could happen, and plan for that), and the marriage issue.

 

I think I might be worried that if we live together, he'll never propose.

 

Or that this is his way of stringing me along.

 

As far as the giving up independence thing, I guess I feel that way too, and that's part of the power imbalance. The way I see this situation is this:

B/f gives up:

• independence
  
• one of his currently empty bedrooms for an office for me
  

 

I give up:

• independence
  
• some furniture
  
• the security of having my own place
  

 

I don't really think I gain anything in this situation, whereas he gains someone to help with his bills. I've offered to help with the utilities since I'm there so much but he turned me down (his salary is more than twice as much as mine).

 

We also take turns making dinner right now, and we both clean (I probably do a little more than he does, but that's fine), and we both are really good about doing the dishes because we hate having them in the sink. Usually the person who didn't cook does the dishes afterward. He does all the laundry and I fold it all. I water the plants indoors and feed the cat. He mows the lawn and shovels the front stoop. I'm worried that if I move in I might end up doing all or most of the housework.

 

That might be a completely dumb thing to worry about, but in my experience that's usually what ends up happening.

 

I would have no problem moving in if there was a marriage guarantee beforehand.

 

 

I think from the sounds of all this, you don't trust him at ALL - if you feel there's a weird power dynamic going on already, that's totally not good. Andthe other stuff about resenting contributions to his mortgage and breakables, that's a bit strange, too. Why should that be a problem?

 

I get the feeling you completely resent him already for asking you to move in with him before M, which is a horrible and difficult state of affairs for the 2 of you. So in answer to your original question, it might be too big a compatibility issue for you guys to get over. That's unless he marries you to appease you, which he is not ready for, and that'd lead to big resentment from him farther into the M which you wouldnt want. I don't think either of you are right or wrong from our standpoints - just very, very different and not compatible.

 

Btw you sound kinda worked up over my post, I wasn't trying to flame you! Just trying to give a bit of advice.

I'm not worked up, and I appreciate your input. It's important for me to hear all sides, as everyone has different experiences, and obviously my b/f feels differently than I do. I was just trying to be as factual and concise as possible, so I hope I'm not coming across as defensive or angry. I'll try to change my "tone."

 

In regards to the breakables, mostly that concerns me because homes are expensive, and I only recently got a full time job, and am paying student loans. It's a BIG deal to possibly have to pay for those things, or help pay for them, as opposed to a landlord fixing normal wear and tear things.

 

I also don't want to feel indebted in any way, since there's a discrepancy in our incomes.

 

Thanks for being honest about the compatability thing. I'm very concerned about that.

[Absolutely Curtains]

I disagree pretty strongly with the above, but then I am an advocate of living together before marriage...because I wanted to end up happily married, not just married. Before I met the man who is now my husband, I had a few serious relationships and ended up living with a couple of them, after extended periods where I 'practically lived there.' And actually living together was different from practically living together, and got more different as time went on, and more issues arose and major incompatabilities surfaced. I can't say what will happen in the future in my marriage, but we are very happy and I feel secure...if I had married either of those men, I know for a fact I would be divorced by now.

Just my experience.

 

As for the practical matters: if you decide to move in with him, address these issues first. He should be perfectly willing to reassign some utilities into your name, even if you were to get married it's in his best interest for you to have strong credit. He might consider drawing up a quickie sublet contract so you have your name on a lease, as well, if you're adamant about taking it that far, though that runs some risks for him if you break up acrimoniously and turn out to be a real b*tch. Save some of each paycheck to put into your 'just in case' 2 month deposit in case you have to move out in a hurry, if you have the funds readily available I find it a little hard to imagine it would take 4 months to find a place and relocate.

Thanks for your input. Do you mind clarifying what some of the issues were the came up after living together that didn't surface when "practically" living together?

 

Also, to be as specific as possible, when I say that we're practically living together, I mean that I have all of my clothes at his place, and in the last several months we've been together every single day and every single night, with the exception of one weekend when I went to my parents' house for Christmas (he was working).

 

We've talked about splitting his utilities since I'm there all the time, and we've divvied up housework and chores. We didn't really talk about that part, but kind of fell into a pattern.

 

I'm starting to get the feeling that you don't want to move in now, because if you do, he might hold off marriage. Do you think that you need to wait to move in so he proposes first? Are you afraid that if you move in, he won't feel the need to propose?

 

Cuz by your answers, you seem really defensive, and you DONT want to move in before marriage. Im just trying to understand why that makes any difference at all, since clearly it's so important for you to get married first.

 

Is it tradition? Culture? Does your family insist you get married first?

Maybe I'm more traditional, I don't really know. I do know that I want to get married, and that people who live together before marriage tend to either not get married, or get divorced. I'm sure you've looked at the Getting Married forum, read the news, etc.

 

I'm not defensive, but you're the second person to comment on that, so maybe it's the language I use. I'm not sure how to change that, I write the way I write

 

I do know that if I moved in with someone before marriage it would have to be a secret from the Catholic side of my family, but I'm not especially concerned about that. My cousins don't have any problem doing that, and of course all our parents contribute to the cover-up I know my parents wouldn't approve, but they wouldn't give me a hard time either. So I'm not especially concerned about them either.

 

To clarify what I said to your comment earlier: since we already practically live together, I don't see why I should give up the security of having my own place for the sake of "seeing if we're compatible." He should be able to tell the way things are now, IMO.

 

Can you explain why you think I should give up my lease and officially move in with him, even though we already practically live together? What would change if I moved in with him, that would help him decide if he wants to marry me?

[boogieboy]

I don't see why I should give up the security of having my own place for the sake of "seeing if we're compatible." He should be able to tell the way things are now, IMO.?

 

This is why he wants to live with you first. Obviously he cant tell the way things are now. He might get a vibe from you that you will change once you move in together. Jumping straight into a marriage before living with someone for a while is an expensive gamble, and he knows not to do that.

 

You want him to risk losing half his assets in a divorce, rather than you having to risk looking to get away scott free. You also wont understand his fear for a breakup, but all of your reasons are a plan for a breakup!

 

You seem insecure as to whether or not him wanting to marrying you is a definite, so if it bugs you that much, you shouldnt move in with him until he starts talking marriage. And you cant badger him about it or you will set yourself back. He probably wont marry you without making sure youre completely compatible, and really in the real world its the logical next step.

[Lizzie60]

My b/f recently asked me to move in with him; I said I would think about it. He has said before that he thinks living together before marriage is a good idea to test out the relationship. I disagree with him, so I have a lot of thinking to do.

 

My first question is if two people feel differently about this, what do you do? And is it a dealbreaker do you think?

 

My second concern is that he owns his home, so rather than paying rent, I would be contributing to his mortgage, or essentially paying him rent. All of the utilities, satellite tv, etc. are in his name. So my name wouldn't be on the mortgage, wouldn't be on a lease, wouldn't be on any utilities. And obviously if we broke up, I'd be in a really awkward position of trying to find another place to live and having to move out. What are people's thoughts on this? For some reason the fact that he is the home owner makes me feel even more wary and vulnerable in this situation.

 

I certainly agree with your bf.. I think it is essential to live with someone before getting married... gosh... I do you know it will work out once you're married..

 

Right now.. are you renting? If I were you I would move with him.. but he has the right to be worried.. what if he changes everything and it doesn't work out.. then what.. you get half the house.. do you think this is fair?.. you are already paying a rent.. I suppose, unless you own your house.. then why not move in with him for a year or two.. pay him rent.. and if you decide to get married.. then go to a lawyer and have the papers done so that you are protected..