It's a mess - but my next move is....

[answers_please]

I'm going to try and keep the first bit short, as it's answers to the second bit that I'm really posting about.

 

I live with my g/f and we are a very good team. We have run successfully businesses together as well as had separate jobs, have a nice life style and get on with each other well. There is a lot of love and respect, however not a lot of joint passion, which being a Leo male has turned out to be far more important to me that I imagined..... I have never felt that I wanted to marry my g/f and we have been together 9 years - should i have guessed?

 

I took a contract job in 2007 where I stayed away from home 4 nights a week and was cleverly, expertly and slowly seduced by a unhappily married Aries female co-worker. Honestly - I did not make the running! One of the very few times in my life where I have been pursued by a female. I think it took a year before it became sexual but once it did - it lit the blue touch paper passion-wise. I don't just mean the sex, which was mind blowing and very adventurous seemingly without any effort from either of us, I mean the whole loved up, can't stand to be without you, mentally in love with each other feeling. I know people will scoff at the unrealistic situation an affair presents, but we both knew there was a genuine emotional and chemical connection the lack of which we both had not experienced before. The snag was ego's with hindsight. I wanted my affair partner to leave her husband first and she vice versa. Eventually after a year, she flipped and told me that she thought I would never leave my g/f and that something had died inside her and that it was over. I was truly pathetic and did all the wrong things including being a supportive doormat whilst she considered what to do about her husband etc - I'm guessing the respect she previously had for me vanished pretty quickly.

 

Anyway, the current situation is that she moved out from her husband and they are now separated although good friends. He is desperate to win her back and she has taunted me a little with how she cares for him as he would never do anything other than put her first. Ironically she tells me all this in e-mails where he sounds like a pet under her control more than a husband but who knows? They had a 6 year marriage prior to the affair with no strays either way so obviously it was okay at one point.

 

As much as I desperately want her back too, I have just gone NC on Monday and am realistic enough to accept that there is 0.0000000000000001% chance of her ever coming back, as I think the way to have won her for ever would have been to have left my g/f, thus demonstrating she was no1 in my affections as opposed to just telling her. I accept that mistake and have learned from it - i.e. had I quelled my own egotistical demands temporarily, I could have been with her now as opposed to writing on here. C'est la Vie - it kills me everyday but I can't stand it any longer hence NC.

 

Both my g/f and her husband know about the affair. My g/f was heartbroken, mainly about the emotional connection rather than the sex and her husband simply wants to kill me stone dead, but he has told her she is completely forgiven - he really does put here on a pedestal, which is possibly the reason he may win her back I guess, even though she told me just prior to NC that she doesn't respect him and that's why she can only be friends with him - at the moment... Both of us were not having sex with our partners during the affair - only with each other and I don't believe there was any deception between the two of us. All 4 people involved btw are between 39 and 42 in age at the time of writing - so not a high school romance and nobody has any children.

 

My g/f is a Taurus and is incredibly loyal. She says the affair has taught her a valuable lesson in that she should not have neglected the sexual side of our relationship and also that she should have been a lot more open about her feelings about me / us. We both agree that we took each other for granted although the affair was my weakness not hers. So here is the problem:

 

I feel that I am still in love with my affair partner and know this will take some time to go away. My g/f is now everything I could have wanted. She now talks openly about her feelings and I really respect her for how dignified she has been though all of the **** I put her through. She lost weight of her own accord and looks the best she ever has (a UK size 8), she has stocked up on sex aids and role play outfits - she had none of these things before (but my affair partner was completely uninhibited and we were sexually connected from the first kiss which she knows). The BIG problem is; I don't fancy here anymore! She looks absolutely stunning but I see her as non-sexual and like my sister - I do love her, but it's without passion and I have daily guilt attacks for the mess I brought to her plus hurt attacks from not being with my affair partner.

 

I have said that we should spilt up and that she deserves somebody who will not let her down like I did, especially as she has now (like me) learned some lessons about maintaining a long-term relationship. I do not feel that I can re-create any passion with her - our relationship was always passionate about joint business success and other things as opposed to each other and our pre-affair sex life was okay at the start, then average then none existent just prior to this affair - not an excuse, just setting the scene.

 

I feel that I should start again after making a mess of this relationship. I'm sure that I can be a bit more true to myself next time and search for the passionate connection not a socially acceptable one.

 

My g/f insists that we try and work things out. She says I cannot fancy her whilst I'm still in love with someone else and as that fades, I will fall back in love with her - I'm not convinced. I love the new her confident her but hate the thought that it might all be reactive to the affair and fade over time again later.

 

My question is, should I go or should I stay and wait / work things out?

 

My heart says go, my head says stay (so much easier not having to sell a house, not splitting everything up etc... But that's a crap reason for staying isn't it?

 

I am totally crushed at losing my affair partner as I have no doubt that that future relationship was the type that I really should be in - mainly due to the emotional connection and feeling of ease with which we could discuss anything and everything.

 

Any questions, please fire away. I've gotta decide soon

I'd particularly love some feedback from girls as well as men

[McGrupp]

you and your affair partner should leave your significant others and run away together and stop putting other people in pain to stroke your egos.

[Silver_star]

First of all..you are not remorseful in your thread about your affair. You have contributed to breaking up a marriage, and you have successfully broken your loyal girlfriends heart and shatttered her confidence.

 

My advice (as a female btw) is to leave your gf. I think she deserves more out of a life partner, and i think you beleive that too (but you cant do it for her). Also, I feel like the women you had an affair with is using you for leverage to put the spice back into her relationship and whether this works or doesnt work for her, it will not turn into a life long relationship for you. Sex is easy to find. You should have considered other options with yuor gf before taking your "blue torch passion" to someone else (a married woman). What you did was wrong, and unforgiveable. Even if you loyal gf is saying she will forgive you it is only because she is hurt and her confidence and self worth has been shot BY YOU...do her a favor and release her from your grasp she deserves more than a two timing boyfriend with only his own needs in mind.

[Limbo21]

Firstly is there any chance of you and you love affair getting back together if you leave your longterm gf? Personaly I would always choose love (assuming it's love both parties feel) over convienience & respect. We only get one shot at this so finding that connection is top priority.

 

Your ex sounds terrific btw, making some real positive changes to herself to repair the relationship but as mentioned that bond is so very important and to live a lie to yourself is only going to bring problems for both in future

 

I can see your quandary, it's a toughie but I think you know the answer deep down and that's the correct answer

[answers_please]

McGrupp - If that was an option now, I'd take it but it isn't (I think). My affair partner has gone as far as I can see. For one reason or another it didn't happen within the timescales she had set in her mind and she's switched off, I'm sure feeling that I was never going to leave (even though I could come right back at her with the same argument) so that option doesn't exist anymore. It's that Aries impatience! It was all about egos - you're right.

 

Silver_star - I am remorseful and I'm sorry if that doesn't come across in my post. I do agree, I think I should leave as she does deserve somebody better. The married women did make a play for me in my defence, but I accept that I responded eventually.....and am therefore involved in wrecking a marriage. My g/f is absolutely adamant that we can repair things in time and is truly inspiring, but I really don't think I can re-create the passion with her - even though she looks fantastic, talks like she never did, is completely open and communicative about her feelings etc - I can't get the image of her as my beautiful sister out of my mind! Why? I also agree that since my affair partner has obviously has moved on from me (or she says she has) that I am being played with as kind of a revenge for hurting her ego by not running away when she wanted to. Therefore, I do think that very sadly, any chance of a future relationship for us two has now gone, due to simmering resentment on her side....

 

Limbo21 My g/f is terrific - she has emerged with more dignity and poise than I would ever have imagined possible! However I can't live a lie and risk hurting her again - see my reply to McGrupp about the lack of a possibility of re-kindling things with my affair partner

 

Like I said - what a mess! It's the first affair for everyone involved so it's not a serial thing.....

[sunrae]

My question is, should I go or should I stay and wait / work things out?

 

My heart says go, my head says stay (so much easier not having to sell a house, not splitting everything up etc... But that's a crap reason for staying isn't it?

 

I am totally crushed at losing my affair partner as I have no doubt that that future relationship was the type that I really should be in - mainly due to the emotional connection and feeling of ease with which we could discuss anything and everything.

 

Any questions, please fire away. I've gotta decide soon

I'd particularly love some feedback from girls as well as men

 

I think this answers your own question. You want to be with your affair partner..

So you should let your g/f go, if you truely care for her. And let her find the love she truely deserves, because apparently your heart is not with her... Otherwise you are being selfish AGAIN!

[Dexter Morgan]

I took a contract job in 2007 where I stayed away from home 4 nights a week and was cleverly, expertly and slowly seduced by a unhappily married Aries female co-worker.

 

uh huh

 

 

Anyway, the current situation is that she moved out from her husband and they are now separated although good friends. He is desperate to win her back and she has taunted me a little with how she cares for him as he would never do anything other than put her first.

 

so either she lied to you about being unhappily married, or she simply is the type of person the gets bored with the same person for too awful long.

 

Which do you think it is?

 

Ironically she tells me all this in e-mails where he sounds like a pet under her control more than a husband but who knows?

 

 

sounds like a fantastic "woman":rolleyes:

 

 

They had a 6 year marriage prior to the affair with no strays either way

 

ah, so she led you to believe that she never cheated before? And you know this how? because she told you?

 

 

 

As much as I desperately want her back too, I have just gone NC on Monday and am realistic enough to accept that there is 0.0000000000000001% chance of her ever coming back, as I think the way to have won her for ever would have been to have left my g/f

 

which you should have done anyway. your g/f deserves better.

 

 

Both my g/f and her husband know about the affair. My g/f was heartbroken, mainly about the emotional connection rather than the sex and her husband simply wants to kill me stone dead, but he has told her she is completely forgiven

 

and there is something I just don't understand about betrayed people, especially having been one myself. Why would he not be equally if not more angry at her? Sure his anger towards you is justified, but if he wants to kill you, then he shouldn't be forgiving her.

 

 

 

Both of us were not having sex with our partners during the affair - only with each other and I don't believe there was any deception between the two of us.

 

I believe there was. First off, if you believe that she never strayed prior to you, then I think you are either being very conceited, or just believe every word that comes out of her lying mouth out of being twitterpated.

 

if she was unhappy in her marriage, and wanted to be with you, then she would have left him to be with you. she told you things so that you would be more at ease while the both of you were cheating.

 

 

 

My g/f is a Taurus and is incredibly loyal. She says the affair has taught her a valuable lesson in that she should not have neglected the sexual side of our relationship and also that she should have been a lot more open about her feelings about me / us. We both agree that we took each other for granted although the affair was my weakness not hers. So here is the problem:

 

the problem is, you may have taken each other for granted, but ONLY YOU are the cheater. Thats a huge imbalance that isn't in her favor. And since I don't condone revenge cheating, she should leave you. Because if she thinks you will never do this again while working away from home, on business, or whatever, she is very naive.

 

 

She lost weight of her own accord and looks the best she ever has

 

aha! so something tells me that you are superficial and her weight had alot to do with it.

 

and now that she has lost weight of her own accord, anyone that has been with someone that all of a sudden started losing weight.....it doesn't bode well for you.

 

you didn't stand beside her when she wasn't as good looking as you would have liked, so she may not stand by you now that she looks good and figures another man out there deserves her much more than you.

 

 

(a UK size 8), she has stocked up on sex aids and role play outfits - she had none of these things before (but my affair partner was completely uninhibited and we were sexually connected from the first kiss which she knows). The BIG problem is; I don't fancy here anymore! She looks absolutely stunning but I see her as non-sexual and like my sister

 

GOOD! Then break up with he so she can find a good man. One that deserves what she has to offer.

 

 

I do love her

 

wrong. if you did, you wouldn't have stuck your vienna sausage in another woman.

 

 

 

I have said that we should spilt up and that she deserves somebody who will not let her down like I did

 

dont tell her you THINK you should split up, just do her the favor and do it!

 

 

My question is, should I go or should I stay and wait / work things out?

 

you should go. she deserves better and cannot see that right now. She is in a desperation faze and isn't thinking clearly. It would be the best thing for her, she just doesn't realize right now that it is.

[MizzBella]

My ex-Husband cheated - a few times for sex and once (for 3 years) for "love." He told his mistress that his home life was unhappy (it wasn't), that his wife was homely (I am not), and that no one understood him like she did (yeah right).

 

I finally had enough of his crap and left him.. and then his relationship with the mistress dissolved quickly. When a person has 2 people around to meet thier needs, then when they are left with just 1 person, not all of their desires are being fulfilled again.

 

It is very difficult to be with someone who has betrayed you. I understand how betrayal like that can happen, but I don't understand how you can claim to love your girlfriend and have betrayed her too. Love is not selfish like that.

 

What I sense is that you're afraid to be alone ... which is scary. Your girlfriend will be fine without you - probably even better off.

 

One thing I have noticed about the cheaters I have known is that they tend to have a low self-esteem and feel a need to be wanted by someone all the time. Unless they examine what is driving them to cheat, they will do it again when the going gets tough - and every relationship has rough patches.

[answers_please]

uh huh

 

Hey Dexter, appreciate the frankness and have to respect your opinions man

 

The only bit I'd say is way off beam, is the bit about me and the weight thing. When my g/f and I first met, she was the heaviest she has been in all the time I've know her (and that wasn't heavy; UK size 12). I have never mentioned weight to her ever. The loss was something she did all of her own accord and absolutely zippo to do with me - just shows the determination in her.

 

As for your perspective, I have also been the injured party in the triangle, in the late 90's and it did mash me to bits big style, so I can relate to where you are coming from - but I did let the bitterness go in time. It's just not worth hanging on to as it starts to rot - easy said than done though, took me about 18 months all told and a new job...........

 

Again, appreciate your views

[answers_please]

My ex-Husband cheated - a few times for sex and once (for 3 years) for "love." He told his mistress that his home life was unhappy (it wasn't), that his wife was homely (I am not), and that no one understood him like she did (yeah right).

 

I finally had enough of his crap and left him.. and then his relationship with the mistress dissolved quickly. When a person has 2 people around to meet thier needs, then when they are left with just 1 person, not all of their desires are being fulfilled again.

 

It is very difficult to be with someone who has betrayed you. I understand how betrayal like that can happen, but I don't understand how you can claim to love your girlfriend and have betrayed her too. Love is not selfish like that.

 

What I sense is that you're afraid to be alone ... which is scary. Your girlfriend will be fine without you - probably even better off.

 

One thing I have noticed about the cheaters I have known is that they tend to have a low self-esteem and feel a need to be wanted by someone all the time. Unless they examine what is driving them to cheat, they will do it again when the going gets tough - and every relationship has rough patches.

 

Hi Mizz Bella

 

Thanks for posting. I can see what you are saying; that after having the attentions of two people, remaining with just one of them is probably not going to work out. Still some people do do it quite successfully (although far more not; I'm sure someone will come along with stats soon....)

 

Personally, I think it is possible to love someone, but become totally infatuated with someone else? What do you think?

 

Living on my own, no I'm cool with that. I have done it before quite a few times. I would like to get back to a conventional loving relationship for sure, but I do think some time alone is pretty compulsory here. My g/f is still absolutely adamant that this is not what she wants and is convinced this has opened her eyes to a lot of things that she was shy of confronting previously. That's great, But I think I will always feel that I have let her down and as I have intimated at in my original post and agreeing with Dexter, personally I think she is better without me.....

 

I'll keep you posted