DustySaltus Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 (edited) I've noticed from my own and others experience that Ex's do often come back into the picture at some point. Now before you start thinking about getting back to where you were as a couple I think it's important to know why they did and whether or not it was really for the right reasons. Ok so your partner breaks up with you and you are left in shambles. You beg, plead, write letters, recite song lyrics, send flowers, make excuses for their behavior, ignore your friends advice, listen to some of the most cheesiest love songs ever and generally forget what it was like to be happy before your relationship even began. They've moved on by now. Maybe it was a fight that broke you up, maybe it was cheating or maybe they loved you but were not "in love" with you. Now the dust has settled and that sound of silence overwhelms you with thoughts of what could've been, what you could've said or done differently and the cold reality that you may not ever have the chance to make it "right" in your eyes. You find out that they start seeing someone else and you are devastated. You spy on their facebook and myspace. Your friends tell you to MOVE ON and that they never liked them anyway. You defend your EX again while they tell you the cold hard truth that she is now with someone else. You cut yourself off from the rest of the world and sit at home watching reruns of golden girls and roseann while she's having the time of her life. After all, she's with someone new and all that great honeymoon period attention just make both parties blind to each others faults, compatibility in the long term and overall loyalty to each other. So now your friends try and set you up on a few dates. Or you go on POF and meet some wackjob who prays to cabbage patch dolls. The initial dates turn out to be a disaster and you run home to check and see, maybe just maybe your Ex changed her FB status to single......but you can't, because you're deleted. You vow to never go on another date again, you refresh your email time and time again to see if maybe she changed her mind. Your friend tells you that your EX just took a trip to a place that they said they never wanted to go with you...now you start to question your self worth. But then one day you wake up and you walk down the block and you're not thinking about her for a good 30 minutes....a new record. Then you go out on a few dates with some very interesting people. Eventually, someone tells you that you are just what they are looking for, although you may not be ready for them. You go to the gym, you hang out with your buddies and take that salsa class that you always wanted. Then one day you're out somewhere and there they are. Someone so beautiful that they turn the page all by themselves. You get those weird butterflies back and you manage to put a sentence together. They give you their number and you feel like you just won the lottery. You wait until you get around the corner and do a rocky style fist pump with the number in the air. You take them out to dinner and realize how much you have in common. They like cherry vanilla ice cream, football, bubble baths, Stephen King and old samurai movies too! Things are going well and then you have that first kiss...and now you feel like you're back. All the while your EX has realized that the new guy isn't all they were cracked up to be. They treat the waiter like crap, aren't as funny as they once were and his pre-paid cellular servive just got disconnected. Maybe they cheat on her or treat her like crap in front of their friends. Maybe they got too comfortable. And they start to think about their needs and back to the times when you put a smile on their face....well past the honeymoon period. They think about what they wanted in a relationship and they start to think of you. Maybe they break up with the rebound or the rebound breaks up with them and now they are watching Shamwow infomercials at 2am. So they give you a call, send you an email or an IM to see how you are doing. They don't neccesarily say anything too revelaing in it because they have to much pride OR maybe they don't even know what they really want. Maybe they are a serial monogamist and just want someone to hold onto at night. So now you have a decision to make. Do you leave the new person and go back with the old. Remember, they broke up with you. If your Ex doesn't come back to you and say, "I MADE A HUGE MISTAKE AND I AM WILLING TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO MAKE IT WORK"...don't respond to them, because otherwise it's breadcrumbs. And if they do respond like this, you have to make that decision on your own, because on you know what makes you happy and makes your hurt..... Good luck. Edited January 22, 2010 by DustySaltus grammar
USMCHokie Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Bravo. Fantastic post...and one that pretty much describes my situation as well those of many others...
Mik12 Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 I can already tell you how its gonna happen in my case. Shell come back just like you said, ill probably leave the new girl just because my ex seems to have this power over me, then 3 months into it ill regret my decision, ill try to go back to the new girl but she wont want anything to do with me and ill be exactly in the same place I am now. Then again maybe im just really pessimistic.
bananaboat11 Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 DS, that's one of the BEST posts I've read in awhile. Thank you so much.
FreeNow Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 A most excellent post DustySaltus! Right on the money.
prayingshecomesback Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 LOL Dusty you are the man! That fits me to a T. My ex is with somebody else and they should be at the 7 month honeymoon phase ending right now. I am at the part where I met this incredible girl. She is a hard worker, wants everything in life that I do, sexy, fun...and the best part is she loves sex. My ex was not a sexual person which frustrated me. We did it 3 times last night and Im exhausted. I give everyone permission in my life plus every poster on LS to come slap the chit out of me if my ex ever contacts me again and I respond.
aerogurl87 Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Haha omg that sounds just like what happened to me...well almost. Thing was my rebound turned out to be a great guy, just not one who could show emotion and my ex never fell out of love me. In fact, if I remember correctly, he never was able to even tell me he didn't love me when I yelled at him to tell me when we broke up. But yeah I was at that crossroads sort of. I had my new guy who was great, and my ex although I ended things with my new guy because of reasons that were indirectly related to my ex for the most part. I think if your ex is sincere and actually is willing to go through hell and high water to get you back it could be worth giving them another shot. If not, then I agree that you should just keep on moving forward and never look back.
Author DustySaltus Posted January 23, 2010 Author Posted January 23, 2010 whats wrong with the Golden Girls? Nothing, Blanche was hot . But there is a problem watching them on a saturday night when your buddies want to take you out.
sunrae Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 DS. That was a great post.... Today was a hard day for me emotionally, and that put a smile on my face... THANK YOU!
nomad0792 Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 Some funny **** in there. Loved the post. Made me laugh for a change. Thanks for posting. 2.5 months into my NC and I have managed to know nothing about what's going on with my ex...and I'm gonna try and keep it that way.
amilyah Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 Im in the same situation.I know nothing but hes with another.And thats after 20 years of being together.But made up my mind i dont care and i dont want him anymore.Nc for 2 months separated for 3 months.I know he will regret his mlc one day but guess what i am moving on.I have been on a few dates and now i think i have found the one,although he doesnt know it yet.i am in love all over again,Even though hes in a different state i still feel im in love..I love being admired by other guys(after i lost like 40 pounds)I will always say best diet in the world is divorce. Point is i thought i would never get over this,now im in love with someone else.Dont know how he feels but i know how i feel.i want this guy really bad.We talk every night on the phone so i think he feels the same way.Im kinda scared hes my rebound ,but i feel i love him.Dont get me wrong i still love my ex,but i would never forgive him.So i decided to move on .Im sure he will come back one day,but it will be to late.I see he is already riding down my roads.Whats the point of that????Were married he should at least say hi,and i ****ed you up now i want you back.MlC over will you forgive me????Hell no!!!!!I will never go back. ever!!!!I do miss him and want him but i see know i want more......The guy im with now he is so sweet and understands what im going through,he is beginning to be my life. 0
ella23 Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 Great post, Dusty. I was in a situation like that a long time back with my first boyfriend. But by the time he started calling again, I was happy with my new boyfriend and didn't want to go back to him.
McGrupp Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 Or you go on POF and meet some wackjob who prays to cabbage patch dolls. as the POF ad is next to and above that paragraph
p01130 Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 great post! I've been NC for a month, and needed to read that..subscribed.
bananaboat11 Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 I hope my ex doesn't try to contact me. I might break down emotionally.
Author DustySaltus Posted January 25, 2010 Author Posted January 25, 2010 The key is whether or not you have someone new, you need to react the same way. If they come back at 50% and not 500% it's a waste of time and you should not respond to them. I know it will be a lot harder to ignore them if you don't have someone else in the picture but at the end of the day it's not about anyone else, it's about you and your own happiness.
northstar1 Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 The key is whether or not you have someone new, you need to react the same way. If they come back at 50% and not 500% it's a waste of time and you should not respond to them. I know it will be a lot harder to ignore them if you don't have someone else in the picture but at the end of the day it's not about anyone else, it's about you and your own happiness. Good post man, good post. IF I can add, if they do come back pleading and asking for a second chance, you need to look deep and think about it: -Are they coming back because they are lonely again and NEED to have someone in their life and you'll do for now because you are familiar. -If they do come back...........will they still be passively looking for someone else again and do the same thing to you again down the road when a 'better' offer comes along -What will be different this time? If there was a reason you broke up the 1st time, has that reason been dealt with or no longer exists? I have seen friends get back together, and more often than not, after that honeymoon period, the old issues and fights begin to creep back in and it ends the same way.
TuesGirl Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Haha. Awe.some post! I really, really fear this is going to happen to me, since I have already experienced the first half of your post! Fingers crossed that I don't have to face that situation...
CaliGuy Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 In my experience, they come back for only a few reasons. 1. They're having problems with the new person. 2. The new person doesn't meet all their needs (emotional/physical) 3. They are in-between new S/Os. 4. They genuinely miss you, but aren't IN LOVE with you. They miss hanging out and talking but they're sleeping with someone else. In my case, both had problems with their new S/O (and still do). The only time they contacted me was to say "I miss hanging out.." That's it. Not "I'm sorry, I effed up, I regret walking away." One even said "I didn't realize you LOVED me..." -- give me a freaking BREAK! Regardless, there is NO LEGITIMATE REASON for a second chance if someone walked away from you to date someone else. NONE. To me that says "I never appreciated you when I had you and I felt I could do BETTER than you." If you take someone back after they dumped you, especially right away, you are simply reinforcing their own belief that they can walk all over you and you'll take them back, no matter what. And honestly, if someone cheated on you and you take them back -- well, you ASKED for the headaches you're about to get. If they leave -- LET THEM GO. They were never meant to be a part of your life forever...or they would not have left in the first place. People who truly love you the way you should be loved will not quit on you.
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