How can I talk to my husband?

[kmm111]

My husband and I have been together for 6 yrs. Right before we got married, my feelings seemed to be "changing", such as I started thinking of him more as a friend. I starting becoming less attracted to him and wanting sex less and less. Then I met someone else. It started as a EA and we ended up completely falling for each other. I have never fell so hard for someone before. He's married as well. We haven't had sex, but we've kissed. At the point I am at right now, I still love my husband but I have absolutely no interest in sex with him or any kind of physical intimacy except cuddling. There is no passion left and I don't think I am even "in love" with him anymore. If I was, why would I be allowing myself to even engage in this EA??

 

I know I pretty much did this to myself by allowing this relationship to cont. with the other man. I guess what I feel I need to do now is talk to my husband because he feels as though everything is OK in our marriage. However, I don't feel that I should tell him about the other person because he is extremely sensitive and will be devastated. So what do I do? Just come home one day and tell him my feelings for him have changed and I think of him as a friend? I feel so terrible for this, but if it's how I feel then I should be honest, right? By being in this EA, I have learned that the communication with my husband is pretty bad (compared to how it is with the other man). There are things I can talk to with the other man that I would never feel comfortable talking about with my husband.

 

I don't even know if my marriage is salvagable. We don't have any kids yet so it's not like I have to worry about that if I walk away. Obviously I can't go the rest of my life without feeling passion or wanting physical intimacywith my husband. Is this something that can be rekindled?

Edited January 22, 2010 by kmm111

[Samantha0905]

I have no idea. I'm in the same boat and I've often wondered how someone says to someone who loves them and married them, "I have no physical attraction to you and feel no intimacy with you." We waited until our honeymoon to have sex (both of our first times) and I immediately thought, "What's the big deal?" We've been married 27 years.

 

How long have you been married? Why did you marry him if those feelings (sexual attraction) were leaving?

 

I vote no on the married man. Don't even start that mess. Trust me.

 

If you decide to leave your husband, date someone who is available. My affair was with a single man. I can't imagine the drama when both affair partners are married. Perhaps it's easier if neither expects the other to leave their partner, but I'm sure pesky emotions get in the way......

 

Sometimes I think I should go to counseling for my issues. Then I wonder how a counselor can help me to create feelings that are not there anyway.

 

Perhaps that is something you could try.

[2sure]

[QUOTE=kmm111;2613775] If I was, why would I be allowing myself to even engage in this EA??

 

I quoted that question from your post because I feel its important , if you want to be honest with yourself that you not use this logic as a justification , even in your own mind. This logic is the same as saying I cant help it, its not my fault, the heart wants what it wants. You know better or you should. Now, I'm not scolding you here but like I said - dont lie to yourself especially when trying to make important life decisions.

 

I don't feel that I should tell him about the other person because he is extremely sensitive and will be devastated. So what do I do? Just come home one day and tell him my feelings for him have changed and I think of him as a friend? I feel so terrible for this, but if it's how I feel then I should be honest, right?

 

If your H feels everything is OK or even if he doesnt - he will be devastated by your news. You cannot be honest and lie to him at the same time. You cannot communicate with him by NOT discussing reality.

 

I don't even know if my marriage is salvagable.

 

Maybe it is maybe it isnt. Was it salvagable before you met OM? Either way, until both you and your husband are completely aware of what is happening - NO. Even if you stop seeing OM, the issue, the problem remains unsolved. This is not just a marriage - this is your H life. It doesnt seem right, even if there is a divorce, to not make him aware of main issues.

 

Obviously I can't go the rest of my life without feeling passion or wanting physical intimacywith my husband.

 

No, you cannot.

 

Question: Has your OM ever indicated to you that he would like to also change his life to begin one with you?

[kmm111]

Thank you so much for replying so quickly. 2Sure - yes, the other man has said he would leave his marriage if it means being with me. Now I know what happens all the time - they say that and don't follow through. Even though I truly believe the OM would leave for me, I know there IS a possibility he wouldn't, so I realize I may end up alone for awhile or with somebody else in the end. I can definitely see myself being truly happy with him though on many different levels.

 

Before we got married, I felt the feelings kind of dwindling but this has honestly been the longest relationship I've ever been in (previous ones have been 9 months at max) and I thought this was normal. I figured once a couple gets comfortable with each other and once time goes on, the passion inevitably fades. I hear different opinions about this from different people..

[whichwayisup]

OM shouldn't leave his marriage to be 'with' you, he should leave because he would rather be alone than stay in a loveless marriage. Same as you. And, as long as you're OK with being alone (if MM doesn't follow through) then I suggest you tell your H the truth, that you want a divorce.

[2sure]

I wanted to add that you should tell him the truth regardless of whether you or he decide to end the marriage.

 

Because this marriage, the emotional affair, the lack of honest communication, the lack of passion and intimacy...etc etc....are all part of HIS life experience. He should know about all of the things involved, including your actions and feelings because this is something he can take forward with him. Whether its a good experience or a bad one, we learn lessons throughout our lives based on our experiences. To hide this, something that is happening in his life....is not just dishonest communication, or sparing him the truth...it is robbing him of his own life experience.

[White Flower]

I don't even know if my marriage is salvagable. We don't have any kids yet so it's not like I have to worry about that if I walk away. Obviously I can't go the rest of my life without feeling passion or wanting physical intimacywith my husband. Is this something that can be rekindled?

kmm111,

 

If you can't rekindle passion right now with no kids in the house then I'm sure it won't ever be rekindled. Be kind to him and get out now. Let him find the love of his life to have children with.

 

You WILL find passion with someone else. Don't leave him for MM, leave him for yourself.

[Passion4Life]

My husband and I have been together for 6 yrs. Right before we got married, my feelings seemed to be "changing", such as I started thinking of him more as a friend. I starting becoming less attracted to him and wanting sex less and less. Then I met someone else. It started as a EA and we ended up completely falling for each other. I have never fell so hard for someone before. He's married as well. We haven't had sex, but we've kissed. At the point I am at right now, I still love my husband but I have absolutely no interest in sex with him or any kind of physical intimacy except cuddling. There is no passion left and I don't think I am even "in love" with him anymore. If I was, why would I be allowing myself to even engage in this EA??

 

I know I pretty much did this to myself by allowing this relationship to cont. with the other man. I guess what I feel I need to do now is talk to my husband because he feels as though everything is OK in our marriage. However, I don't feel that I should tell him about the other person because he is extremely sensitive and will be devastated. So what do I do? Just come home one day and tell him my feelings for him have changed and I think of him as a friend? I feel so terrible for this, but if it's how I feel then I should be honest, right? By being in this EA, I have learned that the communication with my husband is pretty bad (compared to how it is with the other man). There are things I can talk to with the other man that I would never feel comfortable talking about with my husband.

 

I don't even know if my marriage is salvagable. We don't have any kids yet so it's not like I have to worry about that if I walk away. Obviously I can't go the rest of my life without feeling passion or wanting physical intimacywith my husband. Is this something that can be rekindled?

 

do u want it to be rekindled ?

[Passion4Life]

My husband and I have been together for 6 yrs. Right before we got married, my feelings seemed to be "changing", such as I started thinking of him more as a friend. I starting becoming less attracted to him and wanting sex less and less. Then I met someone else. It started as a EA and we ended up completely falling for each other. I have never fell so hard for someone before. He's married as well. We haven't had sex, but we've kissed. At the point I am at right now, I still love my husband but I have absolutely no interest in sex with him or any kind of physical intimacy except cuddling. There is no passion left and I don't think I am even "in love" with him anymore. If I was, why would I be allowing myself to even engage in this EA??

 

I know I pretty much did this to myself by allowing this relationship to cont. with the other man. I guess what I feel I need to do now is talk to my husband because he feels as though everything is OK in our marriage. However, I don't feel that I should tell him about the other person because he is extremely sensitive and will be devastated. So what do I do? Just come home one day and tell him my feelings for him have changed and I think of him as a friend? I feel so terrible for this, but if it's how I feel then I should be honest, right? By being in this EA, I have learned that the communication with my husband is pretty bad (compared to how it is with the other man). There are things I can talk to with the other man that I would never feel comfortable talking about with my husband.

 

I don't even know if my marriage is salvagable. We don't have any kids yet so it's not like I have to worry about that if I walk away. Obviously I can't go the rest of my life without feeling passion or wanting physical intimacywith my husband. Is this something that can be rekindled?

 

u need to ask urself would u leave ur husband if ur om actually becomes available for u ?

if yes then that means u r keeping ur husband just as a backup plan so u should leave him right now

[Passion4Life]

Thank you so much for replying so quickly. 2Sure - yes, the other man has said he would leave his marriage if it means being with me. Now I know what happens all the time - they say that and don't follow through. Even though I truly believe the OM would leave for me, I know there IS a possibility he wouldn't, so I realize I may end up alone for awhile or with somebody else in the end. I can definitely see myself being truly happy with him though on many different levels.

 

Before we got married, I felt the feelings kind of dwindling but this has honestly been the longest relationship I've ever been in (previous ones have been 9 months at max) and I thought this was normal. I figured once a couple gets comfortable with each other and once time goes on, the passion inevitably fades. I hear different opinions about this from different people..

 

whats stopping u from leaving ur husband for the om ?

[jwi71]

My husband and I have been together for 6 yrs. Right before we got married, my feelings seemed to be "changing", such as I started thinking of him more as a friend. I starting becoming less attracted to him and wanting sex less and less. Then I met someone else. It started as a EA and we ended up completely falling for each other. I have never fell so hard for someone before. He's married as well. We haven't had sex, but we've kissed. At the point I am at right now, I still love my husband but I have absolutely no interest in sex with him or any kind of physical intimacy except cuddling. There is no passion left and I don't think I am even "in love" with him anymore. If I was, why would I be allowing myself to even engage in this EA??

 

I know I pretty much did this to myself by allowing this relationship to cont. with the other man. I guess what I feel I need to do now is talk to my husband because he feels as though everything is OK in our marriage. However, I don't feel that I should tell him about the other person because he is extremely sensitive and will be devastated. So what do I do? Just come home one day and tell him my feelings for him have changed and I think of him as a friend? I feel so terrible for this, but if it's how I feel then I should be honest, right? By being in this EA, I have learned that the communication with my husband is pretty bad (compared to how it is with the other man). There are things I can talk to with the other man that I would never feel comfortable talking about with my husband.

 

I don't even know if my marriage is salvagable. We don't have any kids yet so it's not like I have to worry about that if I walk away. Obviously I can't go the rest of my life without feeling passion or wanting physical intimacywith my husband. Is this something that can be rekindled?

 

Apparently you have sat your H down and had this discussion. His response was simply one of not understanding the depth of it.

 

I would suggest MC. Try and tell him there. If he won't go to MC, then tell him YOU are NOT happy and are seriously considering filing for D.

That SHOULD open his eyes...if it doesn't...then your M is over, file for D and move on.

 

Obviously if that snaps him into reality...go to MC, go NC with your OM and move forward. Oh, if you go this path...you MUST disclose your EA.

[Passion4Life]

she started her first thread with a big fat lie saying-----> my feelings are fading for my h(she is already involved with om by then, but never mentioned about it )---->next she introduced her OM to LS (feeling overwhelmed)---->making a decision---->(???????)

 

i think her question should be,

how to leave her H....with out letting him know about her A

 

i would say, leave before you get pregnant by one of them and your H would be much better off with out you

 

i think she should rather tell her husband about the affair maybe he himself will let her go

[jolenejolene]

kmm111-

 

Let's back up a little. Although you say communication with your H is lacking, I don't get the impression that you have necessarily tried a lot of communication with your H.

 

Here is what I suggest. Plan a time for you and your H to talk, make sure it's a good time with no distractions. Don't feel that you need to discuss the EA right out of the gate. I recommend that you ask your H how he has been feeling lately about the M. Then, gently begin sharing some of the things that you feel have been missing for you, but be careful not to blame or be critical of your H. Just make statements that start with "I feel..." and avoid saying "you always do X and you don't do Y". Stick to describing your feelings, that is what a therapist will suggest for your approach to sharing those thoughts with him. And as for asking your H how he is feeling? He may shrug and say very little or you may just open up a flood gate of things that he has been wanting to say to you!

 

Should you reveal the EA? Not necessarily, but even if you choose to reveal that it doesn't have to come out first thing. Take small steps. Also, it's definitely possible to love your H very much and still find yourself in an EA. The EA is just a symptom. Try to back away from your MM and view that as a separate issue. Focus on sharing with your H what your are feeling. It doesn't seem certain that you are ready to leave your H. Passion does come and go, but it does need to be there.

 

Good luck to you,

 

JJ

[lkjh]

Just tell your H the entire truth because it will all come out eventually

[lkjh]

try being honest for a change

[Agent_99]

My husband and I have been together for 6 yrs. Right before we got married, my feelings seemed to be "changing", such as I started thinking of him more as a friend. I starting becoming less attracted to him and wanting sex less and less. Then I met someone else. It started as a EA and we ended up completely falling for each other. I have never fell so hard for someone before. He's married as well. We haven't had sex, but we've kissed. At the point I am at right now, I still love my husband but I have absolutely no interest in sex with him or any kind of physical intimacy except cuddling. There is no passion left and I don't think I am even "in love" with him anymore. If I was, why would I be allowing myself to even engage in this EA??

 

I know I pretty much did this to myself by allowing this relationship to cont. with the other man. I guess what I feel I need to do now is talk to my husband because he feels as though everything is OK in our marriage. However, I don't feel that I should tell him about the other person because he is extremely sensitive and will be devastated. So what do I do? Just come home one day and tell him my feelings for him have changed and I think of him as a friend? I feel so terrible for this, but if it's how I feel then I should be honest, right? By being in this EA, I have learned that the communication with my husband is pretty bad (compared to how it is with the other man). There are things I can talk to with the other man that I would never feel comfortable talking about with my husband.

 

I don't even know if my marriage is salvagable. We don't have any kids yet so it's not like I have to worry about that if I walk away. Obviously I can't go the rest of my life without feeling passion or wanting physical intimacywith my husband. Is this something that can be rekindled?

 

Honestly I know where you are at. I was in a passionless marriage for 13 years. If you want to see if things will work out, make a commitment with each other to attend MC. Most likely he is not fullfilled by your relationship either. And if he is, then realize that you both want different kinds of relationships. MC might help you both either work out the kinks or end things in a non-confrontational way. But it's not something that works overnight, MC takes some time. Sometimes a year or two, depending on what kind of underlying issues are there.

 

DO NOT tell your H that you have feelings for someone else. It is just plain mean. not that it's a great thing that you are lying, but there is no reason to hurt him like that.

 

And if you do decide to end your M, then just be honest with your H that your feelings for him have changed and you want different things than what you thought you wanted before.

 

Of course this is just my advice, take it or leave it.

 

~Agent 99