hendersongirl Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Hi everyone, just wondering what people's views are on this - guys or girls appreciated but especially women. When I was 17 (I am 22 now) I did amateur theatre lighting with this guy (39 at the time), which involved a lot of late nights in theatres together etc etc. He had a long-term de facto partner (who I did stage makeup with and was quite friendly with) and they had two kids aged 13 and 11 (who were often in the shows and I knew quite well). We got on pretty well - normal healthy sort of relationship, except I had quite a big schoolgirl crush on him. Just one of those ones like you get on teachers. Nothing happened remotely inappropriate for the 4 years we worked together. Until one night just before I was leaving for university, on the last night of the last show I was doing, we stayed late on our own to pack up the bulk of the lighting stuff. This is what happened: We were packing cables into one box and so were standing close to one another, then I turned or something and somehow he had his arms around me and looked at me, smiled, and kissed me. I kissed back, then he led me to a seat in the auditorium where we were and sat down and I straddled him and kissed him more. Then he said "I've often thought about making love to you" and I giggled and went red (I was 17) and said "what would ****(his partner) think?" and he said "I know, its so bad, but I want you" and I mumbled something about no, he looked disappointed but said ok and smiled and kissed me again briefly. We finished packing up and as usual he gave me a lift home, where we kissed again briefly. The next day he text me, saying he was really sorry, and that he had thought i was beautiful often but kept telling himself "*****, she is a 17 year old high school girl." Also he told me that once he was holding a ladder for me and I was wearing short white shorts and he could see my knickers, and since then he has thought about that much more. I said no harm done, and I am flattered. He also said that he has never cheated on his partner or done anything like that, except once very early in their relationship which she knows about. I believe him. So that was that, pretty much. I didn't feel taken advantage of, or anything like that, in fact I regretted saying no a bit because of my already present fantasies. But felt proud that I has done the right thing. I worked on one show in my first summer holidays from uni, but it was entirely professional - not awkward or inappropriate. Fast forward to now - I was browsing on facebook all these people I used to know at high school and I came across his partner, whose profile said she has two teenage kids and her partner is ***** (the guy). I felt an intense pang of guilt... I know that if that was me, I would WANT TO KNOW if my partner had hit on and kissed and said those things to a girl so much younger than him, even if it was 5 years ago and nothing came of it. However, she looks so happy and it could potentially ruin their family Also she might just plain not believe me, which could cause problems. So, I want to know, if it was you, would you want to be told these things at this time, from me? Or shall I just leave it as his problem, his life? I could easily make contact with her on facebook and tell her, if its what should be done. Please bear in mind: In my country the legal age of consent is 16, so there was nothing illegal going on, just intensely immoral for many reasons!!
anne1707 Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 It's not your place to tell. You were young and he should have known better considering the significant age difference. It is up to him to tell. Plus for all you know he may have told her and they have dealt with it or he has learnt from his mistakes, not done that kind of thing again and is happily married. This could tear a family apart just because you feel guilty. So no - don't tell.
Author hendersongirl Posted January 22, 2010 Author Posted January 22, 2010 Thanks anne1707, Those have been my thoughts for the last 5 years.. But I thought maybe I was just looking for an excuse not to get into a confrontation. I'm not sure I would have the guts anyway. Still, I want to do the right thing even if its unpleasant.
reboot Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 If you'd been having a full blown affair with the guy, I'd probably say yes, but considering it was a one time couple of kisses 5 years ago, let sleeping dogs lie. It's possible you might unmask a raging serial cheater, but also just as likely you could destroy a family over might have been nothing more than a brief, not enough blood to operate both heads moment. Based on what happened, you have no way of knowing which is true.
Author hendersongirl Posted January 22, 2010 Author Posted January 22, 2010 I see your point about it being a small thing a long time ago, but shouldn't the significance of that be something SHE gets to decide, not me? Just being devil's advocate..
reboot Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 I see your point about it being a small thing a long time ago, but shouldn't the significance of that be something SHE gets to decide, not me? Just being devil's advocate.. If you feel so guilty now, why didn't you feel guilty 5 years ago and tell her then? There *might* have been some point then.... jmo.
greengoddess Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 are you still fantasizing about this man? Secretly hoping it will ruin his marriage. EEWWW what did you as a 17 year old find attractive. yuck. I'm so glad you didn't let it go further. I would tell. This man could be hitting on his daughters friends. yuck.
2sure Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 No, it was a mistake - he immediately felt bad and guilty about it. Its possible he has told his partner, and even more possible he has completely forgotten about it. Telling her now, out of the blue after all these years ....about a kiss. No, I wouldnt think this is something she HAS to know, and its possible also that given the circumstances of the kiss (the schoolgirl crush) that this would only serve to make you seem a bit squirrelly.
Author hendersongirl Posted January 22, 2010 Author Posted January 22, 2010 greengoddess: "EEWWW what did you as a 17 year old find attractive." Well it is kind of irrelevant, but he was a really lovely guy, and manly and sexy... Plus he was nice to me, and for a horny 17 adolescent that's all I really needed! And no, I'm certainly not hoping to break them up now. I am very happily in a long term relationship of my own. I havent even seen any of them for 4 years. 2sure: I don't think he immediately felt bad and guilty - he was disappointed I didn't say yes, and text me the next day to say how long he had wanted it etc.
imagine Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 I normally would tell you to inform her. We all make mistakes and we need boundaries to keep us in check. Hendersongirl could not make a verifiable check. The result of her confession would be very likely turn into a he said/she said situation. If there was backup evidence. Both of you were guilty. The event was passionate. Maybe an apology of what might have transpired could help lift the guilt.
Stung Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 I can see the reasons for not telling, and it appears I am in the minority, but...if I were that wife/partner, I would want to know. And what if this is a regular thing for him? His kids are teenagers, ensuring a steady supply of fresh young thing around the house .
silktricks Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Frankly, even if you had gone a lot further than you did and it was 5 years ago, I wouldn't want to know at this point. You don't have any contact with him and don't intend to. Neither one of you did right, but it was 5 years ago. Why rake it up now? You'd drop a bomb into the middle of their lives. They don't need that, and frankly you probably don't either. If he's a decent guy, then he's probably regretted it (and also thanked whomever that he didn't get caught), or maybe even told her about it (though probably not). If he's not a decent guy, then he probably had it on with ever so many other women, and they either worked through their problems or not. Either way. At this point in time, let it be in your past and get on with your life. JMO, of course...
NowhereToHide Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 Personally, I think you are more interested in stirring things up between them than you are worried about HER. Your posts have an air of superiority to them, but you also sound still interested in this man. Let it go. Unless you derive pleasure out of creating marital conflict.
Samantha0905 Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 No -- don't tell. I don't even think you should be considering it after five years. Just stay out of their business.
road Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 No, stay out of their lives. Avoid all contact. That includes FB.
Leia Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 Personally, I think you are more interested in stirring things up between them than you are worried about HER. Your posts have an air of superiority to them, but you also sound still interested in this man. Let it go. Unless you derive pleasure out of creating marital conflict. Exactly what I was thinking. It was a few kisses. Let it go already. For all you know, his wife knows about it and everything else [if anything else happened with other girls/women] and is ok about it or they have talked about it, moved on and are now living their life the way they want to.
Stung Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 Not trying to be difficult, but the 'don't bother doing it because maybe the wife already knows' argument doesn't sit right with me. I mean, if she already knows, then so what? While I'm sure it would trigger some bad memories, if it's truly already been dealt with and they've moved on, then hearing from this girl should not be a problem. Again, personally, I would want to be in the know if my almost-40 yo husband had a weakness for teenage girls and had crossed a line, even if it was in our past.
Leia Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 Not trying to be difficult, but the 'don't bother doing it because maybe the wife already knows' argument doesn't sit right with me. I mean, if she already knows, then so what? While I'm sure it would trigger some bad memories, if it's truly already been dealt with and they've moved on, then hearing from this girl should not be a problem. Again, personally, I would want to be in the know if my almost-40 yo husband had a weakness for teenage girls and had crossed a line, even if it was in our past. Yesterday, a girl that had a crush on my brother had her friend posted photos of her and my brother on his Facebook and added my sister-in-law and tagged my sister-in-law. I don't have an account with Facebook but I know how it worked so not only her friends saw those photos, my sister-in-laws siblings saw them too. The crush was a few years ago incident. My brother and sister-in-law had put it all behind and moved on. So can you imagine how my sister-in-law felt yesterday after seeing those photos from years ago? I suppose you don't. If you feel good about telling someone about a small incident, then go ahead.
D-Lish Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 And no, I'm certainly not hoping to break them up now. I am very happily in a long term relationship of my own. I havent even seen any of them for 4 years. So why would you care? More importantly, what would prompt you to want to say or do something that could potentially ruin his relationship 4 years after the fact?
Stung Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 Yesterday, a girl that had a crush on my brother had her friend posted photos of her and my brother on his Facebook and added my sister-in-law and tagged my sister-in-law. I don't have an account with Facebook but I know how it worked so not only her friends saw those photos, my sister-in-laws siblings saw them too. The crush was a few years ago incident. My brother and sister-in-law had put it all behind and moved on. So can you imagine how my sister-in-law felt yesterday after seeing those photos from years ago? I suppose you don't. If you feel good about telling someone about a small incident, then go ahead. But you can't have it both ways. If it was a 'small incident', especially one already dealt with, it should not crush her. If it was a significant event, shouldn't she know? To me, it would not be a small incident if my husband was kissing and groping a teenager and telling her he wanted to make love to her. It is something I would want factored into my worldview and my understanding of my relationship. That is my opinion and I am entitled to it even if it is the minority view.
Leia Posted January 24, 2010 Posted January 24, 2010 But you can't have it both ways. If it was a 'small incident', especially one already dealt with, it should not crush her. If it was a significant event, shouldn't she know? To me, it would not be a small incident if my husband was kissing and groping a teenager and telling her he wanted to make love to her. It is something I would want factored into my worldview and my understanding of my relationship. That is my opinion and I am entitled to it even if it is the minority view. Didn't say you're not entitled to your opinion
FryFish Posted January 24, 2010 Posted January 24, 2010 So why would you care? More importantly, what would prompt you to want to say or do something that could potentially ruin his relationship 4 years after the fact?People seemed confused about what it is that can potentially ruin the relationship... His cheating is a part of that relationship and if anything has the potential to ruin it it is his cheating... Her illuminating a part of that relationship is not going to ruin. Showing someone something that is broken is not the same as breaking something.
Author hendersongirl Posted January 24, 2010 Author Posted January 24, 2010 Wow, lots of replies. Thanks. There were a couple of "why should you care" and "you won't get anything out of it" comments - I don't get this. I am not trying to get anything out of it, obviously the best thing for ME is not to get involved in a potentially messy and nasty situation. What would prompt me to do it? If it was the right thing BY HIS PARTNER to do... From my own point of view, I feel that I would have a right to know, but I also realise that some people just wouldn't want to - hence why I am here asking your opinion. I'm not really here to be told I'm immature or a stirrer... I just want to know if YOU were HER, would you want to hear from me or not? Thanks.
silktricks Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 Wow, lots of replies. Thanks. There were a couple of "why should you care" and "you won't get anything out of it" comments - I don't get this. I am not trying to get anything out of it, obviously the best thing for ME is not to get involved in a potentially messy and nasty situation. What would prompt me to do it? If it was the right thing BY HIS PARTNER to do... From my own point of view, I feel that I would have a right to know, but I also realise that some people just wouldn't want to - hence why I am here asking your opinion. I'm not really here to be told I'm immature or a stirrer... I just want to know if YOU were HER, would you want to hear from me or not? Thanks. Well, when it comes right down to it, you are going to get a lot of "yes, tell" and a lot of "no, don't tell". As you know from my previous post, I'm with the "no, don't tell" group. But in the end, it's going to be your decision to make. I just don't understand why you would even consider it at this time. It seems mean.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 I understand where you're coming from. I had a somewhat similar situation -- a minor dalliance with a guy who TOLD ME he was single, but who I later found out was ENGAGED at the time, to the woman he is now married to. When I found out (years after the fact) that he was engaged at the time, I sent him a nasty e-mail telling him what an ass I thought he was for lying to me and sneaking around on her. But I didn't tell her. That's on him. He knows what he did. He can tell her or carry it to grave. Either way, he's got to live with it. I vote don't tell.
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