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Posted

Hi all.

I used to post regularly on this site around 5 years ago after breaking up with a girl, the sadness of which was compounded by the death of my mother and also being made homeless. It was a terrible time in my life and I think if it wasn't for the support I got on this site I would've lost my mind. I think a lot of the people who were around at that time are no longer here, or not posting at least, but my heartfelt thanks goes out to everyone that empathised with me or gave me advice, bless you all. If anyone reading this feels like they're never going to get over their ex and has the time, please read over some of my past posts to see what seemed like a hopeless case who none the less eventually moved on with his life.

 

After my break up I eventually moved to another city, where I made a lot of new friends and eventually a new woman. Although I never really loved her I was with her for a year and a half. I think I still wasn't ready to be in a relationship as I always felt empty inside and felt like I had become unable to love properly, had given too much of my soul away to my previous partner. I broke up with her as she became violent towards me. I never looked back.

 

I eventually moved in with some friends and although the violent girl came to visit me occasionally I was pretty much on my own. I lived with a couple and one other guy. The lady out of the couple and I became good friends, the other guys we lived with were selfish, untidy and childish. While we both seemed to be totally on the same level. I never imagined anything would happen between us, I thought to myself I would really like to be with somebody like her, but she was with my friend so my thoughts never went any farther. They broke up eventually after a very destructive 8 year relationship in which he cheated on her many times, was physically abusive and destroyed her self esteem.

 

A few months later her ex was away on tour and we were still getting on really well. One drunken night she got into my bed while I was sleeping and we ended up having sex. We fell in love very quickly, I mean for me it took around 2 days after sleeping with her for me to realise I'd been in love with her for a while. She said she felt the same. Although I felt tremendous guilt about sleeping with a friends ex and tried to put a stop to things quite a few times she really pursued me and kept tel;ling me I was everything she ever wanted in a man. Eventually we got together as a couple. A lot of our mutual friends took the side of her ex and turned their backs on us, meaning pretty much all we had was each other and a few friends. We couldn't go out to the places we used to as her ex was intent on having a violent confrontation. We stayed in all the time and took care of each other. She always used to tell me that I was her ideal man, the complete opposite to her ex. I was attentive, highly sexed, completely faithful and fun to be with. We both said we would eventually get married and have children together (I have never felt like that about anyone before, I am 33) However after a few months I began to feel her pulling away slightly, we had had a few issues mainly based in my guilt I believe. I found it hard to trust her because of how we got together and also suffered some sexual problems.

 

I began to doubt myself and would cling to her every time she wanted to spend some time to herself I would find a way to see her. She broke up with me in mid september, but we kept getting back together to try and make things work. We both thought of each other as our ideal partners in many ways. I kept having the same problem though. I couldn't give her the space she needed. Although I encouraged her with other interests in her life. I always wanted to be a part of the things she did. I was needy. We broke up again just before christmas she told me that she still loved me and thought she would never find anyone more suited to her and would regret her descision, but that she needed time to be by herself with no one to answer to. Although this hurts me tremendously I can understand. She has been in a long relationship before me and it's good that she wants to 'find herself'. We still see each other occasionally, have great sex and lots of cuddles, but now she wants this to stop as I STILL text her everyday or ring her and am needy of her time. She says we can see each other once in a while and still be sexual partners and that she still loves me, although the last couple of times we were meant to meet she has canceled.

 

I don't know what to do. I still feel if I could give her sufficient space and still show her the qualities that she loves. It could still work. The natural chemistry between us is incredible and we both say when we are together things just fell right, it is when we spend any time apart and my neediness comes to the fore that our problems arise.

 

My problem is I seem unable to stop. I'm distraught. I cry when I first wake up, on the bus to work, while I'm at work. I feel like I can't breath or I'm about to throw up and I just can't stop thinking about her or how devastated I'd be if she found some one else. Lots of guys want to be with her and she has a high sex drive so I really worry about this. I really feel like I found the right woman at the wrong time. She is so beautiful, funny and caring. What do I do here? I'm terrified of losing her for good, but the very fear of it makes me do things that push her away. I found love after thinking I never would again, but my insecurities ruined it.

She inspired me to get a good job, cut down smoking and exercise. Now I smoke 30 a day, don't exercise and am on the brink of losing my job because I can't focus.

 

I'm sorry for the long post. Please, if anyone has any insights to offer me I would be grateful.

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Posted

After reading your post, I immediately thought rebound relationship. I hate even typing that because no one deserves to feel like they were used as a quick fix from a previous breakup. I'm sorry you're sad. It just seems, she went from a relationship that tore her down into a relationship that she felt would make up for the shortcomings and/or mistakes of her ex. When the dust settled, so did the fantasy she had in her mind.

 

My advice would be that you need to start an "emotional detox" .. It sounds as if you have possible abandonment issues. The panic attacks, the neediness, and clinging to a partner are usually signs. I could be totally wrong, but it just points to something deeper.

 

You definitely need to refocus on yourself. You have to be strong and make yourself better. No one can fix that for you. It has to come from within. You need to take some time to find out what else in life makes you happy.

 

It will get easier, I promise.

Posted

Hey man, hang in there. You've been through this before and you made it and found your happiness. You'll make it through again. This girl clearly needs to figure a lot of things out. I would let her do that if I were you. No need to hang on to her, there will be others who have their head a little more firmly on their shoulders in the future.

Posted

Finding a good relationship takes time. Most often people do not show their true colors until you have given yourself over to them. In this case, problems from their past come in and then you are left wondering what you can do.

 

Its a tough time as always and we wish things would just work out. Sometimes you need to let go and not worry..I know how hard this is becuase I am still doing it myself. I have kept NC but still wish my ex would say something just so I can see if I can hold up to not replying.

 

The very first few days are the hardest. At night I still think about her and miss her a lot but there is nothing to do. Nothing we can do about that. Give her the space by not communicating. Also, post on here a lot, many people have similar situations if not the same.

 

LS has really helped me cope with everything after my ex left me without even letting me know. That was the hardest pain that I go through each day. You get past it at some point but it still lingers. Keeping the mind busy is very tough when you are depressed.

 

Good thing you cut down smoking although I think I go through a pack a day now after the breakup rather than what I used to. I would suggest exercising and staying busy because if you want to quit you have to be mentally prepared. Right now we are not mentally prepared for that with all the stress.

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Posted

Thanks to everyone that replied, it means a lot.

 

madisonlayne, I think you are right about me having issues. Most women I have been out with have cheated on me and I find it very hard to trust women, I always seem to think they're gonna leave me at some point. Any ideas on how to resolve this? I think it's something that's going to stay with me unless I actively kick it's butt.

Thanks again

Posted
Thanks to everyone that replied, it means a lot.

 

madisonlayne, I think you are right about me having issues. Most women I have been out with have cheated on me and I find it very hard to trust women, I always seem to think they're gonna leave me at some point. Any ideas on how to resolve this? I think it's something that's going to stay with me unless I actively kick it's butt.

Thanks again

 

Seems we have a lot in common. It's just so hard to fully trust people when you've been burned in the past. It's like you expect the relationship to fail even before it really begins.

Posted

The fear of abandonment can create a pattern where you attract those who abandon you or you abandon them. It's a vicious emotional cycle that has no quick fix, but is definitely something you can overcome.

 

You have to learn how to reprogram your inner voice and not allow it over run your emotions. These thinking "habits" are exactly what's causing your anxiety. The only person you have complete control over is yourself. You need to establish new habits that will effectively block out the old habits. Start with a bit of research. There's a ton of great self help books that give step-by-step coping skills so you can gain some of that control back.

 

You deserve happiness. :)

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