SadandConfusedWA Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 I just got home. The date started of nicely. He took me to this new Greek restaraunt (that I wanted to try too) and it was lovely. We couldn't stop talking. We were not even catching up on what happened last 5 years. We discussed politics and European culture vs American or Australian - this is the topic I feel passionately about and he shares all the same views as me (and generally people don't). We also bonded over how tough it is to work long hours (but interesting too) and talked about our jobs. He gave me a compliment that all the girls he meets are either pretty or smart but I am one of the few that is both He went on about how much he dislikes airheads and bimbos. So then we moved on to personal topics. He told me that in the last 5 years he has gotten married and had a son His marriage lasted 2 years and he has now been divorced for 1 and a half. I asked him why he got divorced, he said that his ex W had emotional/mental problems and that he couldn't take it. (I am kind of thinking dude, I am pretty sure that I have a truckload of more issues than your ex). He likes girls that are emotionally stable and sane. This is when things got really bad. He asked me about my relationships in the last 5 years. I felt inadequate saying that I only had short ones (less than 4 months) so I made up a lie. I said I was with someone for 2 years He asked about the guy and why things ended. This is where I made up an elaborate story about the imaginary ex. I kind of used a combination of many LS threads and said that the guy was immature, stoner and an alcoholic - but hid his problems well. My lies just continued and I couldn't stop At this point I knew that the date was ruined. I mean if I were to continue, our possible future would be based on a lie and if I were to fess up, he would just think that I am crazy. I excused myself and went to the toilet. I called my BFF and she agreed that I should just get out of there. So I went back to our table (we have finished dinner by then) and I told the guy that I had to leave and meet my friend as we have agreed earlier. He seemed upset and puzzled by this. He kind of looked sad and asked if anything was wrong I felt bad and said that I would take care of the bill. He didn't let me. We kissed on the cheek and he said "Can I call you again, can I see you again?" I said "Yeah, sure- gotta go!" and left Guys, I have never been a liar. I even struggle to cover up some real life details when talking about my job on LS. I hate lying and it's not my thing. WTF?? It's probably for the best because he is a smoker. Do I need to spend the rest of my life inhaling second hand smoke? Of course not. He also has an ex wife and a son. I looked her up on FB just now (he told me her full name) and she is drop dead gorgous and very thin. I don't expect to hear from him again, and if I do there is no point in seeing him. Oh well. FOR ALL THE SHORT GUYS: He is one inch shorter than me and this didn't enter my mind at all at any point during this date. There.
torranceshipman Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 You're mad, he seemed really into you and (at least on the strength of 1 date) seems to be a nice guy. Just call him, apologize for bailing and set up another date. If you guys end up going out a lot, then after a few dates you could come clean. People do stupid stuff when they are nervous and if he i into ou and has gotten to know you then he'll let it drop. On a separate note though, you're right about the smoking thing - bleugh. But also you don't sound 100% issue-free, lol, that was kind of strange behavior on your part.
counterman Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Well, it did see to go pretty swell before you started to lie. If you really like him then, I suppose, give him an explanation if he calls. He might even find it funny. But, if you think that you can't get passed the smoking, then don't worry about it.
ella23 Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 (edited) You give him a call this time. He seems like a nice guy and you seem to be making excuses in trying to reason why you shouldn't meet him again. Go out with him again and later on if the dating continues, you tell him what's up. He seemed really into you and I think you should meet up with him again. Send him a text about meeting up again, if you're not keen on calling. Edited January 22, 2010 by ella23
Malenfant Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 this is awful! the first half of your post was saying how well you were getting on! fair enough he's a smoker, but he might want to give up, you shouldnt discount a person based on that alone. it sounds much more like you are trying to relieve your bad feelings about lying and killing very early on what could potentially be a good thing. you should never feel badly about your past, especially not to lie about it, i'm sure he would not have thought anything bad about you at all if you had told the truth. if you cant face seeing this guy again, please dont do it again. i think you should come clean, he sounds very sweet. he was sad you left early, he paid, he asked to see you again. Poor guy, i bet he now thinks he did something wrong. tell him what happened if only so he doesnt think he did something wrong.
donnamaybe Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Aren't you the same gal who secretly slips a USB flash drive into some unsuspecting guy's computer and copies his surfing info? If so, hon - you need to talk to someone. You'll never be happy otherwise. I'm so sorry this is happening with you.
jw90063 Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Perhaps he could have put it a different way, instead of saying his ex had emotional, mental issues. I mean who doesn't in this day and age. :laugh:How did he not know you had something as simple as anxiety? That's a mental issue, but not like the worst thing on the planet. It's more than likely he's the one that had the mental issues, but he's throwing it on his ex. Maybe it's best things turned out this way. Normally when a guy tells me their ex was a sideshow, turns out they are. I guess if you really wanted to see him again, just be honest and tell him. If he is already making you feel inferior, then I don't know though. At least you are not inhaling smoke. That would have been a deal breaker for me. I don't date smokers.
ella23 Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 this is awful! the first half of your post was saying how well you were getting on! fair enough he's a smoker, but he might want to give up, you shouldnt discount a person based on that alone. it sounds much more like you are trying to relieve your bad feelings about lying and killing very early on what could potentially be a good thing. you should never feel badly about your past, especially not to lie about it, i'm sure he would not have thought anything bad about you at all if you had told the truth. if you cant face seeing this guy again, please dont do it again. i think you should come clean, he sounds very sweet. he was sad you left early, he paid, he asked to see you again. Poor guy, i bet he now thinks he did something wrong. tell him what happened if only so he doesnt think he did something wrong. Yes. You won't know unless you go out with him again.
xpaperxcutx Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 You're not the first one to " lie" about your past relationships, except I never went as far as you did with the whole " he's a stoner, alcoholic... etc". I don't think you should be so hard on yourself, the date sounded like it started off on the right foot, except you stumbled somewhat while on the pace. I think he's really interested in seeing you again. I would give him another chance. Do yourself a favor and don't be so hard on yourself.
mem11363 Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 (edited) I think you self assess pretty accurately - though perhaps you are a bit hard on yourself sometimes. I DO think you are not a liar. And that one white lie in the heat of the moment does NOT make you a liar. It really is ok that you are disappointed in your last 5 years. And in the future I think it is fine to simply say "I haven't been serious with anyone for quite some time and there isn't anyone in my past fascinating enough to spend a lot of time talking about." Most sane men will not push this with you. I really think you are mistaken to walk away from this guy. You should just come clean with him - and try to see if he has enough sense of humor to understand that you simply let the moment get away from you and that this is not your normal deal. If he is perceptive he will find your spontaneous fictional skills quite impressive... I just got home. The date started of nicely. He took me to this new Greek restaraunt (that I wanted to try too) and it was lovely. We couldn't stop talking. We were not even catching up on what happened last 5 years. We discussed politics and European culture vs American or Australian - this is the topic I feel passionately about and he shares all the same views as me (and generally people don't). We also bonded over how tough it is to work long hours (but interesting too) and talked about our jobs. He gave me a compliment that all the girls he meets are either pretty or smart but I am one of the few that is both He went on about how much he dislikes airheads and bimbos. So then we moved on to personal topics. He told me that in the last 5 years he has gotten married and had a son His marriage lasted 2 years and he has now been divorced for 1 and a half. I asked him why he got divorced, he said that his ex W had emotional/mental problems and that he couldn't take it. (I am kind of thinking dude, I am pretty sure that I have a truckload of more issues than your ex). He likes girls that are emotionally stable and sane. This is when things got really bad. He asked me about my relationships in the last 5 years. I felt inadequate saying that I only had short ones (less than 4 months) so I made up a lie. I said I was with someone for 2 years He asked about the guy and why things ended. This is where I made up an elaborate story about the imaginary ex. I kind of used a combination of many LS threads and said that the guy was immature, stoner and an alcoholic - but hid his problems well. My lies just continued and I couldn't stop At this point I knew that the date was ruined. I mean if I were to continue, our possible future would be based on a lie and if I were to fess up, he would just think that I am crazy. I excused myself and went to the toilet. I called my BFF and she agreed that I should just get out of there. So I went back to our table (we have finished dinner by then) and I told the guy that I had to leave and meet my friend as we have agreed earlier. He seemed upset and puzzled by this. He kind of looked sad and asked if anything was wrong I felt bad and said that I would take care of the bill. He didn't let me. We kissed on the cheek and he said "Can I call you again, can I see you again?" I said "Yeah, sure- gotta go!" and left Guys, I have never been a liar. I even struggle to cover up some real life details when talking about my job on LS. I hate lying and it's not my thing. WTF?? It's probably for the best because he is a smoker. Do I need to spend the rest of my life inhaling second hand smoke? Of course not. He also has an ex wife and a son. I looked her up on FB just now (he told me her full name) and she is drop dead gorgous and very thin. I don't expect to hear from him again, and if I do there is no point in seeing him. Oh well. FOR ALL THE SHORT GUYS: He is one inch shorter than me and this didn't enter my mind at all at any point during this date. There. Edited January 22, 2010 by mem11363
mem11363 Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 No comparison between these two behaviors. The USB tactic is purely self protective. I don't like it - but I completely understand it. I would not dump a GF over that. The story telling at dinner needs to be addressed. Otherwise he could stumble onto the truth at some random future moment and then he might freak. Aren't you the same gal who secretly slips a USB flash drive into some unsuspecting guy's computer and copies his surfing info? If so, hon - you need to talk to someone. You'll never be happy otherwise. I'm so sorry this is happening with you.
carhill Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Guys, I have never been a liar. I even struggle to cover up some real life details when talking about my job on LS. I hate lying and it's not my thing. WTF?? Something about the dynamic impelled you to change your natural set point. I presume you've had such discussions in your past R's and they didn't cause you substantial distress. What about this date/man is different? His disclosures didn't exactly exemplify the epitome of stability, given that he barely worked on a marriage with a child involved and burdened his ex with the entire responsibility for the M's failure. Think about that. What's really going on here? IMO, focus on the positives and accept one more invitation and see if it's possible to build on the positives. If the anxiety is overwhelming, let it go. Perhaps it's just the wrong kind of chemistry at this time. Best wishes
meerkat stew Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Sorry this happened to you. This is why early dates or reuniting dates need to be light and flirty, no serious relationship/ex topics, if they come up divert and change the topic. Keep in mind for the future. I would call him and come clean. He will almost certainly forgive you. He obviously likes you very much. Or just call and apologize for rushing without coming clean. I think it's important you call him though. As far as emotional issues go, he was probably talking on a completely different scale than how you see yourself. There are many seriously disturbed people out there.
2sure Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 You didnt blow it. If you want to see him again simply call him and do so. He clearly was interested. Tell him you made the whole thing up, and then laugh about it. He will be confused, but chalk it up to most women being a little crazy or to not understanding them....
betamanlet Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 I just got home. The date started of nicely. He took me to this new Greek restaraunt (that I wanted to try too) and it was lovely. We couldn't stop talking. We were not even catching up on what happened last 5 years. We discussed politics and European culture vs American or Australian - this is the topic I feel passionately about and he shares all the same views as me (and generally people don't). We also bonded over how tough it is to work long hours (but interesting too) and talked about our jobs. He gave me a compliment that all the girls he meets are either pretty or smart but I am one of the few that is both He went on about how much he dislikes airheads and bimbos. So then we moved on to personal topics. He told me that in the last 5 years he has gotten married and had a son His marriage lasted 2 years and he has now been divorced for 1 and a half. I asked him why he got divorced, he said that his ex W had emotional/mental problems and that he couldn't take it. (I am kind of thinking dude, I am pretty sure that I have a truckload of more issues than your ex). He likes girls that are emotionally stable and sane. This is when things got really bad. He asked me about my relationships in the last 5 years. I felt inadequate saying that I only had short ones (less than 4 months) so I made up a lie. I said I was with someone for 2 years He asked about the guy and why things ended. This is where I made up an elaborate story about the imaginary ex. I kind of used a combination of many LS threads and said that the guy was immature, stoner and an alcoholic - but hid his problems well. My lies just continued and I couldn't stop At this point I knew that the date was ruined. I mean if I were to continue, our possible future would be based on a lie and if I were to fess up, he would just think that I am crazy. I excused myself and went to the toilet. I called my BFF and she agreed that I should just get out of there. So I went back to our table (we have finished dinner by then) and I told the guy that I had to leave and meet my friend as we have agreed earlier. He seemed upset and puzzled by this. He kind of looked sad and asked if anything was wrong I felt bad and said that I would take care of the bill. He didn't let me. We kissed on the cheek and he said "Can I call you again, can I see you again?" I said "Yeah, sure- gotta go!" and left Guys, I have never been a liar. I even struggle to cover up some real life details when talking about my job on LS. I hate lying and it's not my thing. WTF?? It's probably for the best because he is a smoker. Do I need to spend the rest of my life inhaling second hand smoke? Of course not. He also has an ex wife and a son. I looked her up on FB just now (he told me her full name) and she is drop dead gorgous and very thin. I don't expect to hear from him again, and if I do there is no point in seeing him. Oh well. FOR ALL THE SHORT GUYS: He is one inch shorter than me and this didn't enter my mind at all at any point during this date. There. who brings up exes on a date?
carhill Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 who brings up exes on a date? IME, I can't think of one woman who didn't ask about my relationship history early in the dating process, though rarely on a first date. I was more interested in personal and family history, so that's what I ask about. Depending on method of contact, sometimes this information was known prior to a first date. It wasn't uncommon to share such things when corresponding, like when meeting online, though not in any detail. I've had the experience with female friends that they didn't feel 'worthy' of the guy they went out with and this caused them anxiety. That sounds like the OP's issue, though I doubt there's any true basis for that dynamic. Perceptions are powerful, though, as seen.
Satisfaction Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Oh well. That doesn't sound too bad. You got nervous felt inadequate and made up a lie to cover it. He seemed to like you, so if you don't mind about him having a child and being divorced you can talk to him more and see how it goes. You did lie about having an ex but i don't think you need to worry about telling him unless you end up in a serious relationship with him.
Hop_prophet Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Don't feel too bad. You felt pressured and did something you shouldn't have. If this guy likes you he will forgive you. I did almost the exact same thing when I met my girlfriend. She had much more relationship experience than me and I invented a fictitious gf on the spur of the moment because I felt inadequate and the lie just kept feeding itself. It was awful. Anyway I confessed shortly after and yeah she was pissed but she gave me another chance and I haven't lied to her since. Lesson learned.
phineas Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 who brings up exes on a date? If you have child with that ex they are still a part of your life. Telling her she had emotional issues is most likely a nice way of putting she was bat**** crazy. If I went on a date with someone & they failed to mention they were divorced or had a child or both & I found out later I would probably not talk to them again. Being seperated with 2 kids & getting a divorce myself thats a crucial piece of info I relay to all women who show interest in me.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted January 22, 2010 Author Posted January 22, 2010 Wow thank you all for the replies I was afraid to look at this thread for hours because I thought I will get lots of "You lied therefore you are completely crazy" etc.... but I am pleasantly suprised that you don't all think it's that bad. I know that if I want to see him again, I will have to make contact because as things stand now - he probably feels that I blew him off early because I didn't like him. But now that I am thinking more clearly, smoking is a big deal. He probably had about 5 cigarettes during dinner and drinks (we ate outside) and I can still smell the smoke in my hair. This is something that I honestly couldn't take on a regular basis (unless he were to quit very soon). So I am on the fence about making contact with him... As for the ex wife and child, I am glad he bought it up because I feel this is extremly important. Still, even before me leaving - our evening had a really heavy and serious tone. There was not much laughing or flirting.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted January 23, 2010 Author Posted January 23, 2010 You lied to him because you felt inadequate, then you felt like crap because of the lying so you bolted? Then he was left sitting there wondering what HE did wrong. That's messed up. Yes, you summed it up nicely I think he probably thinks that I am put off by the ex wife and the child.
ella23 Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 (edited) Wow thank you all for the replies I was afraid to look at this thread for hours because I thought I will get lots of "You lied therefore you are completely crazy" etc.... but I am pleasantly suprised that you don't all think it's that bad. I know that if I want to see him again, I will have to make contact because as things stand now - he probably feels that I blew him off early because I didn't like him. But now that I am thinking more clearly, smoking is a big deal. He probably had about 5 cigarettes during dinner and drinks (we ate outside) and I can still smell the smoke in my hair. This is something that I honestly couldn't take on a regular basis (unless he were to quit very soon). So I am on the fence about making contact with him... As for the ex wife and child, I am glad he bought it up because I feel this is extremly important. Still, even before me leaving - our evening had a really heavy and serious tone. There was not much laughing or flirting. If you liked him, you might want to go out with him a few more times and see how things go. Like someone said, he might be willing to do something about the smoking down the line. I think you should text him and see where it goes? Also, it's not fair of you to have left like that, because he's probably thinking he did something wrong, and that's not right. It's probably a good idea to fix a date. Edited January 23, 2010 by ella23
ella23 Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 Also, one more thing. I lied about a few things to my boyfriend till very recently because of my insecurities (as you know), and all this while he thought that he was doing something wrong and felt really bad about it. So yeah, it's not right to leave it at this.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted January 23, 2010 Author Posted January 23, 2010 OK guys, I have sent him a message and apologized. He replied back with "No problem at all, I will give you a call mid-week to set up another date!". I am still on the fence about dating a smoker but I will talk to him about it if/when he calls or when I see him next.
ella23 Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 OK guys, I have sent him a message and apologized. He replied back with "No problem at all, I will give you a call mid-week to set up another date!". I am still on the fence about dating a smoker but I will talk to him about it if/when he calls or when I see him next. You apologised about running off? You should also tell him the truth about the real reason you ran off if you date for long enough. I'd have personally bought up the smoking issue after a few dates, but if it's really bothering you, then you should bring it up. Are you also bothered by the fact that he's been married and has a kid?
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