ironcross Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 (edited) I agree that confidence is indispensable in attracting girls. But the thing is, confidence has to be based something, such as positively reinforcing experience, physical strength, accomplishments, looks, etc. You can't base your confidence on thin air, unlike how the government carelessly prints money as if it has no correlation with the goods in circulation. Back when I was in high school, I got mercilessly picked on by African Americans, daily. They would call me names, bully me, mock me, and stuff like that to piss me off. I know that their behaviors were driven by a defense mechanism, which basically directs you to treat others as if they are inferior, thereby making yourself feel superior. (reaction formation. it is on Wikipedia) Four years of hell really changed my personality, for the worse. Before, It was easy for me to make friends; now, I am so insecure that I hardly ever even talk to anyone anymore. My experience in high school made me very racially conscious, the result of which is that now I look at people not as individuals, but as racial groups. For four years, this mindset has been ingrained to my mind by my fellow classmates. Now, when I see a black person or white person, I perceive them to be my enemies who hate me and are ready to put me down whenever they get the chance, just like what happened back in high school. There is now an almost unquenchable burning desire for vengeance against African Americans for what they put me through in high school. It is illogical that even though white people never really picked on me, I still can't help but view them in the same light as I do African Americans. Naturally, with a mindset like that, it is no mystery why I found myself in the position that I am in now. I have been trying my best to work on those problems, unsuccessfully. In your opinion, what can I do to be more confident. I apologize in advance if who I have written offends anyone, as it is not my intention. Edited January 22, 2010 by ironcross
counterman Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 People can be so cruel and racism is truly alive, though it's not everyone and universal. Maybe you should talk to a professional counsellor about this as this had been an ongoing issue and has affected you quite adversely. Changing your mindset can only be done gradually as you have gone through four years of this mental barrage. I understand it is detrimental to your confidence but, remember, you are not in high school anymore. Try to take some positives out of what happened (I know it might be hard), maybe how it has taught you to be more.. resilient or how it made you stronger, and, if you went through that, you could go through anything. I think you can gain confidence by having interests and commitments. Maybe play a sport that you enjoy regularly. It could be a team sport, where the environment is relaxed and you could meet new people and just talk. Also, consider learning about something that interests you, whether it be space or cars, etc. whatever. One other thing I would definitely go through with is working out. Keeping fit, exercising regularly releases endorphins, which are good chemicals; you start to feel better about yourself. Be proud of what you have achieved.
BackUpOrGetStung Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Ironcross, I think you have two seperate issues, that while related, are independent of each other. What I mean is that they need to be treated as separate issues. Regarding your confidence, you are correct in your assessment that it's got to be based on something(or else its just arrogance). You've got to find something that you love to do, or are really good at and use it to build yourself up. Find a group with the same interest and either help someone else become good at it or push yourself to become better, or both. Regarding your issue with black and white people, let me say that forgiveness works both ways. Meaning that, to forgive those who put you through the torment is to release yourself of those negative emotions. Probably not fully, but it will help a great deal in changing your outlook. Also try doing an activity where there will be black people involved, so you can see that not all are like those who used to tease.
torranceshipman Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Definitely, definitely get counseling. Four years of bullying must've left you feeling traumatized and threatened.
USMCHokie Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Definitely, definitely get counseling. Four years of bullying must've left you feeling traumatized and threatened. Agreed. This issue goes beyond what a bunch of strangers on an online forum can do... But to be clear, change can only come from within you...even with the help of counselors and therapists...you have to be willing to make the necessary changes...but it may take time...
Maxxx Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Hang in there, I was picked on as well in high school I have mild cerebral palsy. That was a big factor when I was trying to date and getting to know girls or a woman. As I got older it became even harder for me to come out of my shell. And not just with females but just making friends is an ordeal I hate meeting new people I always feel like they are looking at me as if I have a third eye or something. Even though my CP is VERY mild (I walk with a slight limp) So my confidence as always been an issue. But what this brings me to is this.......... Force your self to do things that make you feel like you are out of your element ie. with confidence make your self talk to a strange woman force your self to meet new people... On the black and white issue you have to realize we are "All" colored people one way or the other............ And you your self said they picked on you as a defense mechanism .
Maxxx Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Definitely, definitely get counseling. Four years of bullying must've left you feeling traumatized and threatened. Not to get in a pissing match this would be a discussion for another thread....... but I can't stand F!@#ing counselors! I think counseling is a form of extortion! They take money from the weak and really don't help. I know a good number of people that have been to all kinds of counseling and spent 100's and gotten no where! ok sorry for the off topic
cogent_love Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Not to get in a pissing match this would be a discussion for another thread....... but I can't stand F!@#ing counselors! I think counseling is a form of extortion! They take money from the weak and really don't help. I know a good number of people that have been to all kinds of counseling and spent 100's and gotten no where! ok sorry for the off topic Wow, it sounds like you've had a bad experience in life with counselors. But I gently suggest not to dissuade people from going to them when it might benefit that person.
Recommended Posts