daisydo Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 i just found out this week that my boyfriend cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend. i am beyond devastated. we had been together for about 9 months. i always had suspicions about this ex. i could really use some help sorting this out. my ex and i met on an online dating site. we had mutual friends though, and even determined that we had met before.. so meeting and dating felt very natural. we took things slowly at first.. which i liked because my last relationship was so rushed. when we discussed our past relationships, he told me about his ex-girlfriend and mentioned that she was a very 'bad person'. he never mentioned her name, however. he told me that he had been cheated on and that he could not stand that. it was a major 'deal breaker' for him. i started seeing her out when we would go out together. once, she showed up at a small pool party we went to completely out of the blue. he said he had invited some 'friends', but didn't think they would show up. at this time, he didn't know that i knew she was his exgirlfriend. he had never introduced me to her - i just recognized her from pictures on his flickr. she showed up at a few other places we went to, and it always felt very uncomfortable. he still never introduced me to her. she stared me down at bars and once she brushed into me rather aggressively. sometimes i noticed when he looked at his phone, i would see that she was calling or texting him. i confronted him about her and he assured me that she was "old news" and that she was psycho. he said that yes, she did call and text him but that he barely responded. he stated that she was trying to get back together with him and that it was sad and desperate. that he wanted nothing to do with it. i had also heard from a friend that she sent him an email at one point, threatening to kill herself because he had rejected him. all in all, encounters with the ex-girlfriend seemed to die down considerably once i confronted him about her. after that, our relationship really blossomed. i felt like things were wonderful and that he really cared about me. he started being much more affectionate with me.. complimenting me more.. wanting to see me more and more. he told me that he loved me and even mentioned something about moving in together very recently (this was just a few weeks ago). a week ago, he told me that he was experiencing some odd symptoms 'down there'. pain when urinating, etc. this aroused my suspicions and i asked him if there was any reason that he could have an STD. he assured me there was not. i felt extremely nervous about the situation, so i checked his text message log (never had done this before). there, i found a text message from his ex-girlfriend about a month ago stating, "got my period. so don't worry, you won't ever have to see me again." i confronted him and he denied it. when i mentioned the text, he said he never remembered receiving it and that he didn't want to talk about it. i broke up with him and told him he would pay for my testing. that's about it. i haven't heard anything from him in the past 4 days. no apology, nothing. i can't believe i was so trusting. i can't believe i didn't break up with him because of that suspicious behavior early on in the relationship. part of me thinks that the reason why he got together with me in the first place was some sort of revenge to get back at her for breaking up with him. i just don't understand why he would go to the trouble of doing ALL he did for me (which was considerable) if he was emotionally involved with this girl the whole time. he took care of me when i was injured in a car accident, stuck by my side during a pregnancy scare, and was there for me when i got laid off. he raked my lawn, pulled the weeds, brought me dinner and cooked for me. our sex life was amazing and i was so attentive to him. i left him little notes on his pillow and was always there for him when work was overwhelming, took care of him when he was sick. i did it all. it is just so hard for me to deal with this because i just don't understand it and i don't know if i ever will. he seemed like such a good, solid person. all my friends thought so, i thought so. i am just at a loss. a complete and total loss. i felt like i did everything right in this relationship. please help.
SoulSearch_CO Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 i just don't understand why he would go to the trouble of doing ALL he did for me (which was considerable) if he was emotionally involved with this girl the whole time. Because he's a dick. And that's ALL you need to know. There is nothing you could've done differently. This was about him and his pain and he made a very selfish and hurtful choice because he was so blinded by his own pain. If he went the extra mile with you, it's because he was trying to prove to himself that he had moved on from the ex. I'm sorry this happened to you. Do not blame yourself for having trusted him or having given him the benefit of the doubt. Hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20, but it doesn't change the present. I hope you're in the clear for whatever it is he caught from the skank. But to be safe, test again in 6 months. Some things have incubation periods.
phineas Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Isn't it amazing how their memory gets fuzzy when it comes to text messages & phone calls?
Ash20 Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 Isn't it amazing how their memory gets fuzzy when it comes to text messages & phone calls? Exactly. My bf used to "forget" or "not remember" things like that all the time, especially when he started talking to this girl over the phone who was a friend of his friend. I confronted him about how often they talked and him calling her baby and stuff, and when I asked how they even started talking (because they have never actually met), he "could never remember" how or why or when he started talking to this girl. And Daisydo, I'm really sorry that happened to you. A lot of guys are jerks and many girls are bitches. It's an unfortunate truth that too many people are discovering the hard way. I hope everything turns out ok for you. I have confidence you will find someone who truly deserves you.
Author daisydo Posted January 24, 2010 Author Posted January 24, 2010 thank you all for your feedback. i contacted my ex once since first confronting him to see if he wanted to discuss things. no reply. i won't be contacting him again. it is all still a hard pill to swallow, but i am doing my absolute best. i am lucky to have a strong network of family and friends to get me through this very difficult period in my life. i also thank you all for listening to my story and sharing your compassion. any other feedback is much appreciated. daisy
lordWilhelm Posted January 24, 2010 Posted January 24, 2010 I don't think you were wrong to show him trust in the first place, but it was wrong of him to abuse that trust... move on, don't look back, and don't let this experience sour your next relationship.
Recommended Posts