he cheated on me with his psychotic ex-girlfriend

[daisydo]

i just found out this week that my boyfriend cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend. i am beyond devastated. we had been together for about 9 months. i always had suspicions about this ex. i could really use some help sorting this out.

 

my ex and i met on an online dating site. we had mutual friends though, and even determined that we had met before.. so meeting and dating felt very natural. we took things slowly at first.. which i liked because my last relationship was so rushed. when we discussed our past relationships, he told me about his ex-girlfriend and mentioned that she was a very 'bad person'. he never mentioned her name, however. he told me that he had been cheated on and that he could not stand that. it was a major 'deal breaker' for him.

 

i started seeing her out when we would go out together. once, she showed up at a small pool party we went to completely out of the blue. he said he had invited some 'friends', but didn't think they would show up. at this time, he didn't know that i knew she was his exgirlfriend. he had never introduced me to her - i just recognized her from pictures on his flickr.

 

she showed up at a few other places we went to, and it always felt very uncomfortable. he still never introduced me to her. she stared me down at bars and once she brushed into me rather aggressively. sometimes i noticed when he looked at his phone, i would see that she was calling or texting him.

 

i confronted him about her and he assured me that she was "old news" and that she was psycho. he said that yes, she did call and text him but that he barely responded. he stated that she was trying to get back together with him and that it was sad and desperate. that he wanted nothing to do with it. i had also heard from a friend that she sent him an email at one point, threatening to kill herself because he had rejected him. all in all, encounters with the ex-girlfriend seemed to die down considerably once i confronted him about her.

 

after that, our relationship really blossomed. i felt like things were wonderful and that he really cared about me. he started being much more affectionate with me.. complimenting me more.. wanting to see me more and more. he told me that he loved me and even mentioned something about moving in together very recently (this was just a few weeks ago).

 

a week ago, he told me that he was experiencing some odd symptoms 'down there'. pain when urinating, etc. this aroused my suspicions and i asked him if there was any reason that he could have an STD. he assured me there was not. i felt extremely nervous about the situation, so i checked his text message log (never had done this before). there, i found a text message from his ex-girlfriend about a month ago stating, "got my period. so don't worry, you won't ever have to see me again."

 

i confronted him and he denied it. when i mentioned the text, he said he never remembered receiving it and that he didn't want to talk about it. i broke up with him and told him he would pay for my testing. that's about it. i haven't heard anything from him in the past 4 days. no apology, nothing.

 

i can't believe i was so trusting. i can't believe i didn't break up with him because of that suspicious behavior early on in the relationship. part of me thinks that the reason why he got together with me in the first place was some sort of revenge to get back at her for breaking up with him.

 

i just don't understand why he would go to the trouble of doing ALL he did for me (which was considerable) if he was emotionally involved with this girl the whole time. he took care of me when i was injured in a car accident, stuck by my side during a pregnancy scare, and was there for me when i got laid off. he raked my lawn, pulled the weeds, brought me dinner and cooked for me. our sex life was amazing and i was so attentive to him. i left him little notes on his pillow and was always there for him when work was overwhelming, took care of him when he was sick. i did it all.

 

it is just so hard for me to deal with this because i just don't understand it and i don't know if i ever will. he seemed like such a good, solid person. all my friends thought so, i thought so.

 

i am just at a loss. a complete and total loss. i felt like i did everything right in this relationship. please help.

[nomad0792]

Hey daisydo- I'm so sorry to hear about your story. It's never easy to go thru these things and I want you to know from the bottom of my heart that you are going to have my full and undivided attention while I write this.

I'm going to try and write this from his perspective, which could very well end up being my future perspective...just try and follow along. My intentions are not to be cruel, but to be real and honest, so if I say anything that hurts you, I'm sorry.

Ok, so here we go...

The reason I'm here now is because I'm heart-broken. The woman who broke my heart will probably have my heart for a good while. It's very possible that I may meet a woman that is wonderful, beautiful and perfect for me in the very near future, and I could very well fall in love with her just as I did my ex. But my ex is pushed me away and she's a little nuts, but I was absolutely crazy about her and losing her has been the hardest thing I've had to do in my life. She's got demons and while she wasn't horrible to me for the most part, not one of my friends or family believe she is right for me. I have cried just about every day and I dream of turning back the clock when times were blissful with us. I've been a mess for almost 4 months and over 2 of those have been without her completely...no contact whatsoever. I hate the pain that I feel and I would give my left arm to have her come crawling back to me and telling me she made the biggest mistake of her life. It has been a living nightmare.

 

Now, I have this new girl that I see a future with in my life and things are going great. And suddenly, my ex comes out of the woodworks like a ghost from the past. She's now seeing that I'm really moving on and, in my mind, I am. But, she has this pull on me. Why? Well, we have a history, the sex was fantastic and she was the one to end it. For months I've been in a state of shock, pain, misery and outright hysteria at times...and all because of her. Now, she's standing before me and telling me she made a mistake and lost the best thing in her life. The one thing, the only thing I wanted was to hear those words and it was akin to getting a fix...a heroin fix once again. Now, the new girl, no matter how great things were, my actions would have nothing to do with how much I care for her, but how much suffering I did for my ex who is standing before me begging me to see her again. Now, would I sleep with her behind my new gf's back is a question I cannot honestly answer, but I would have to say it would be very hard not to. I'm older now and would probably not, but I sure would want a little payback in some way. Perhaps showing her how great my life is with the new gf would be enough, but then questions of whether you are doing the right thing come into play.

 

What would those questions be? Maybe not questions, but thoughts...such as, "she's finally come to her senses and realized what she lost." Or, "she sees the new and improved me and she can't resist." Or, just fill in the blank. Does any of this make it right? NO, absolutely not...but, to me this would be retribution at it's best and I would be very tempted to go back into the rabbit hole with her. Again, this has very little to do with the new gf and everything to do with the pain and history of losing someone who broke my heart.

 

This, is no way, excuses his behavior, but it's vital you understand that you are not being used like you may feel with your situation. He didn't get with you, do all those nice things for you and take care of you, just so he could show her he's moved on. He did those things because he wanted to. He was moving on with his life and his ex saw that.

 

I certainly believe his actions are inexcusable, especially when it involves your health. Cheating, in my book, is a deal breaker, and you will have to decide for yourself if this is something you can deal with down the road with him. It will be a tough path if you so choose.

 

I don't know what his situation was with his ex, but the power my ex has over me at this time is very strong. It's not something I'm very proud to say and I hope my humility gives you some insight as to the powers of the heart and how it weakens our resolve at times. As to where I will be several months from now, well...

 

...ideally, I would love to be in a situation where I could tell her she had her chance and I've moved on, but I won't know for sure unless I have it presented to me.

 

He screwed up royally, but again, it has very little to do with you and everything to do with his what he went thru with is ex. Sorry, if this isn't what you really wanted to hear, but I thought I could offer a perspective. I'm mentally exhausted from my situation and it's been months. Funny thing is...I'm an attractive guy with a solid job and no kids or ex wives. I'm a good catch, but I battle with the loss of someone I thought was going to marry and love the rest of my life. It's been an awful big pill that I'm still trying to swallow.

 

Feel free to ask me any questions. Stay strong and know you are not alone in this.

[daisydo]

thank you so much for your reply nomad. i really appreciate your honesty. i have contacted my ex to see if he wants to talk about things but he didn't respond. i will not contact him again. i can only think that he is so embarrassed that he doesn't even want to admit that these things have happened. i'm not even sure. any thoughts on why he won't contact me back?

 

i can totally understand your situation and i was in a similar situation myself a few years ago. i have compassion for my ex's predicament .. i used to have an ex that had that power over me. but to bring my health into it.. to lie to my face and never admit or apologize for his behavior is just unacceptable at this point.

 

again, thank you so much for your perspective.

 

daisy