dannie19 Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 I've read a few posts on here about how the OW has managed to stay as detached as her MM, to just 'use' him and really expect nothing back. How do you do that? How do you stay detached? I'd love to know. I've been having an affair (posted in earlier threads on here) and although I set off casually soon found myslef engulfed. My affair is pretty much over now, well that's my intention but I'm hurting like hell now and I'm just curious how people protect themselves with a kind of ambivalent attitude?
pureinheart Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Hi "D" After much hurt, and am not sure this is how I got here, possibly just numb, although here goes.... This is true I believe for any type of relationship. Not loosing yourself in the other person, keeping your own identity and assurance that no matter what happens, all will be well. In M your partner can (God forbid) pass away, leave or whatever....many things can happen. I have done the same thing in all my R....totally am all about them and guess what they all got screwed up....these were ar varying degrees with each R, although the same bottom line (God I hope this is making some sense). Most of the time I would build my life around them, and this was by no means their fault, in some R I mostlikely smothered them, but I thought I was doing the right thing by "mothering" them...and like I said some were at varying degrees. My son told me, "mom, you pick project men", and he was right....I chose men to "loose" myself in. We want to love and be loved and go about it in all of the wrong ways, we are faced with a truely messed up, beyond dysfuntional society, but this can be worked to an advantage because most see this problem and are now willing to face it and step up. Back in the early-mid eighties, Oprah Winfrey exposed much, I believe her to be the major torch barer for many hidden issues...hidden issues that those of us in our 60's and 50's being raised by parents that put much under the carpet....well guess what it was my generation (50-60) that have had all of the erasing and exposing of 3rd and 4th generational trash. "D", it is ok to hurt, it is ok to love...just know that you will live if the R doesnot work.... It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all...(Brian Keith, Family Affair, TV show in the 70's). Guard your heart, guard your mind, and allow the "right" person only to enter in...you will know who that is....in the meantime, do not sell yourself short, love yourself and others at all times, and doormats are only for your porch to keep the dirt out....
silverplanets Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Hi "D" My son told me, "mom, you pick project men"... "Project men" .. I've not heard this before and I love it I know I have been choosing "project women" .. just never heard the phrase .. it makes me smile (and love myself in a forgiving way !)
silverplanets Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 sorry, to answer OP .. I didn't manage it in a big way (to stay uninvolved) ... On the other hand there was a small part of me that did stay uninvolved .. it was the part that said "No, this is hurting me, this is making me unhappy, this isn't RIGHT" ... that part did stay uninvolved and that was the problem !! imho, you don't want to stay uninvolved, you want to get 150% involved .. ie bring ALL of you into the situation and you pretty soon realise that ALL of you is NOT happy with it, not happy at all
pureinheart Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 "Project men" .. I've not heard this before and I love it I know I have been choosing "project women" .. just never heard the phrase .. it makes me smile (and love myself in a forgiving way !) Thanks...I felt the same, cracked up actually...our kids are so insightful. I do love home improvement projects though, guess I just needed to learn the difference!
silverplanets Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Thanks...I felt the same, cracked up actually...our kids are so insightful. I do love home improvement projects though, guess I just needed to learn the difference! one has four walls and a roof ... the other has nothing holding it up and nothing up top either !!
atlnay Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 I'm just curious how people protect themselves with a kind of ambivalent attitude? Sorry your hurting. It really depends on how realistic you allow yourself to be. In the beginning I was a big ball of emotions. It drained me to no end. Deep down though, never thought he'd leave, can't even say I wanted him too. Spent some time emotionally detaching from him and learned how to control my emotions, still learning that last part. Not to say I don't have feelings for him, I do, but I approach our situation a bit more rationally. Which keeps me from getting too caught up and frees up my emotional side to meeting other guys. As for expecting nothing back, early on, I gave a LOT emotionally and got back very little in return, which was understandable. That well has dried up & I now only give what he gives & I make him go first. If possible I try to give even less back. If your A resumes or you find yourself in a similar situation (wouldn't wish that on you at all) try to keep your outlook realistic. Keep reading LS, esp the infidelity side. I think by reading that, I saw the pattern A's tend to take. So last week when my MM was 'done' with his M, rather than get my hopes up, I pulled back even more, gave him time to figure out & fix his problems and let him contact me, which he did via a million texts, vmails & calls...lol. Had I bought the hype, I'd be devastated to learn then made up again, and if you read LS long enough, you see they don't always leave. It is what it is
Author dannie19 Posted January 22, 2010 Author Posted January 22, 2010 Thanks for all your responses and the thought you put into them. I certainly was seeing a 'project' man! I hope I don't go back to him but I'm not yet convinced, sadly! I will keep reading loveshack, it's through here I've come to see the patterns that you mention, that I wasn't the 'best thing that had ever happened to him' but someone drafted in to take the focus of the stresses of his 22 year relationship, charming! Whatever future relationships I have, I need to protect myself more and keep my own identitiy because this giving everything for nothing in return leaves you feeling robbed and empty so again thanks for sharing.
Heather1 Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 I stay detached from expectations, but not feelings. I don't expect anything from MM in the way of D's, etc. & I've always made that clear to him. I don't want any of the drama that goes along with that either, and I'm OK with that in my head & my heart. I can't personally do totally cold though, I'm not a serial cheater. I think only serial cheaters can stay this detached? I think the problem w/ my OM & I is that he wants totally detached, and I can't do that. Maybe he's on his way to being a serial cheater? This is the first A for both of us.
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