had it out with xmm today.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

so xmm and i have been very limited contact after he threw me under the bus. hes constantly contacted me. tried to talked tome and break the NC that he claims he wanted.

 

recently i decided to hear him out. it was a few weeks ago and he said all of the right things.

 

today he decided he wanted to talk to me again. but all of this built up anger came out and a let him have it. he claims we're responsible for the pain after dday. i agree. i hurt my husband and i deserve what comes from that. he hurt his wife and he deserves what comes from that.

 

but i never hurt xmm. of course, hes hurt me deeply. although i am responsible and accept whatever pain comes from the aftermath of dday, i never hurt my xmm. i never threw him under the bus, never betrayed our feelings or our trust, never chose to shut him out of my life.

 

so in my mindset he hurt me. his choices and actions destroyed me. as far as "our" R was concerned he broke my heart. and although i deserve whatever comes as far as my M, doing wrong by having an A in my mind does not mean that i deserve the hurt that is caused by xMM leaving me after dday.

 

i told him not to speak to me anymore. he hasnt acted as my friend and so he shouldnt pretend to be my friend or care about me. i will not contact him or indulge in his petty conversations anymore. for me its strict NC unless he decides he wants a real R with me.

 

not sure if i'm looking for opinions or advice or whatever. bottom line is my heart hurts. i would appreciate anything anyone else could offer.

[It_Is_What_It_Is]

Hi Browning, I have not been following your post, save at the beginning and the difficulties you were having in your M (or now lack of) due to the A. Now you have had the chat with xMM after some 'pressure' from him, it appears from your post that the door is not tightly shut as you still hold small hope that a R can develop from this mess. According to you you told him that you want strict NC except if he is willing to consider a R with u. In other words he still has some form of control in what happens hereon.

 

Are you still with your H? Do you 2 still live under the same roof? Are u working towards a reconciliation to return as a family? Are you in your heart wanting what you lost as a family with your H? Is your H willing to forgive and move past your A? What about friends and family members, how are they taking this?

 

Hope things work out for you, as you seems to be working towards the 'right' part, but not there yet.

[Jeff1962]

You made a mistake. No one deserves to be hurt. Learn from this. Work on yourself.

[cyabye]

You made a mistake. No one deserves to be hurt. Learn from this. Work on yourself.

 

No she made a choice. With that choice came the possibility of being hurt. But how can one go into an affair and NOT expect to be hurt is beyond me.

Does your husband know this? What are you plans? Reconciliation? Divorce?

 

cya

[cyabye]

my H is not under the same roof. he is not willing to continue MC or even try. i cannot fault him for that. what ive done is so terrible that i cannot expect him to forgive me. i understand. i took that risk and lost the best thing thats ever happened to me. i would willing take H back and dump xmm at the door and never look back, but H has been hurt too badly. i cannot blame him for that. its my own actions that have caused this.

 

as far as xmm i would open the door but only if he decided that he couldnt live without me. i cannot be a "friend' or just someone he talks to on the side. if i cannot be whatt i used to be to him than i choose not to have any sort of contact at all.

 

so thats what ive told him tonight. im not going to be just some small means to fill the void thats missing in his M. i feel he still contacts me to get enough of that "high" to keep him going. he still wants her, still wants his M, still doesnt want me in the same capacity that he used to.

 

so thats what i told him. unless he can be my best friend again. unless he realizes that he loves me. unless he admits to her his feelings for me than i cannot be part of his petty conversations.

 

i think he keeps me enough in his life to get the little bit of "fix" that he needs. in return, hes not providing the "fix" or the support that i need. its always on his terms, when he chooses to be there. hes not there when i need him. so i refuse to be there only when he wants it. it works both ways...shouldnt be so one sided.

 

he didnt say much. i know he heard what i was saying, simply put his head down and walked away. for some reason, i feel in control. i put it out there. the first time ever since this started.

 

if he wants me in his life then he needs to own it, face the music and step up to the plate. im willing to forfit the little bit of contact we have over this. afterall, if he cannot be there for me then i dont need to be hanging on to him.

 

Ok, I read your reply after I posted before. First off, I see some problems with the way you think.

 

Your husband should be willing to take you back not vice versa. That is his choice. You stated you would be willing to take your husband back??? I don't understand that logic. Also, you should end it with MM no matter what. PERIOD. I guess it does not bother you one bit that you are assisting with the destruction of his marriage. Note, I said "assisting". You already know why he "sees" you. So what are you waiting for? When is enough enough?

 

cya

[anne1707]

Your husband should be willing to take you back not vice versa. That is his choice. You stated you would be willing to take your husband back??? I don't understand that logic. Also, you should end it with MM no matter what. PERIOD. I guess it does not bother you one bit that you are assisting with the destruction of his marriage. Note, I said "assisting". You already know why he "sees" you. So what are you waiting for? When is enough enough?

 

cya

 

Unfortunately this has been MBEG's thought process pretty much throughout all her time on LS. Plenty of us said that she if she REALLY wanted her marriage then she had to do NC with the ex-MM but this advice was dismissed as impossible (even though there are some of us who have done it and recognise that it is very hard). Even now she is not in NC and very clearly would be interested in resuming a relationship with the ex-MM. Her H is not stupid and will realise this so why the hell should he put any effort into this marriage, if she won't.

 

From her more recent posts since her H left, you would be hard pushed to realise that he had gone and that she was missing him. It might be mentioned say in one or two sentences but then there will be one or two paragraphs about the ex-MM and how difficult it is to get through life without him.

 

Much of this is about validation of MBEG. She cannot believe that these men do not want her but she wants it all her own terms:

 

i would willing take H back

 

How gracious! As pointed out, it is he who gets to choose whether to take her back, not the other way round.

 

 

as far as xmm i would open the door but only if he decided that he couldnt live without me

 

Well he's proved he is more than capable of living without the OP.

 

 

 

As it is, I will probably get attacked for not understanding etc but my situation was incredibly similar to the OPs yet I was able to see I was acting like a selfish *** and do something about it. But then I genuinely wanted my marriage.

[torranceshipman]

You would take the MM back after he threw you under a bus and treated you like s**t?? Why?? Shut that door. His love is worth nothing, even if he comes begging, because he lost that right when he treated you with no respect and threw you under a bus and treated you like crap. Seriously it is crazy to hope for something with a person that has treated you like that.

[It_Is_What_It_Is]

I understand your H's position, and it is good that you accept his decision not to work with you for 'fix' the M. Being there, felt the pain; the hurt and I can tell you it takes a huge part of the magic that glues a relationship.

 

Like Cya wrote dump your xMM for good. Your actions of wanting him if he is willing to step to the plate is an act of desperation. Since you seems to have lost the 'best thing that happened in your life' you are settling for second best. The problem you had at the time of the A was you were thinking of the 'now' not really the aftermath - even if you thought about it. You weren't prepared for the consequences. The consequences is the opportunity costs.

 

My 'xW' - i say xW though separated for a while cos that is how I feel, wants to return after the sh*t she put in our M. But seeing what is capable of after all the sacrifice I made for her, her words, remorse or probably guilt or maybe realising that the grass is not greener on the other side, makes it a non-starter to think of reconciliation. Small things which I did for her to progress her to the net level which were meaningless to me became meaningful when one start thinking 'so i did all these for this woman and I got paid with a bad coin'. So how do one accept someone who can treat you that way. The trust. That is what your H is feeling.

 

With your xMM, your relationship with him was tainted from the start. It was a lie. So why now settle for such relationship whereby in years to come he would want to return to his wife (even though she might not want him back) and you are left to start again.

 

Not sure where you go from here other than work on yourself. If your H is willing to take u back that is a bonus. That is the choice that comes with affairs.

[pureinheart]

You made a mistake. No one deserves to be hurt. Learn from this. Work on yourself.

 

Best advice I've heard today...don't mean to steal advice, although...straight up, to the point...think I will steal it...thanks Jeff!

[jennie-jennie]

How gracious! As pointed out, it is he who gets to choose whether to take her back, not the other way round.

 

LOL Of course it matters if MBEG wants her husband back or not. A marriage is a two-way street. You both need to want each other.

 

(((((MBEG)))))

[silverplanets]

LOL Of course it matters if MBEG wants her husband back or not. A marriage is a two-way street. You both need to want each other.

 

(((((MBEG)))))

 

I agree with JJ here .. if MBEG is not a serial cheater (and I don't think she is) nor a sadist (and I don't think she is that either) then clearly something, somewhere (in the marriage or her life, or anywhere else) was sufficiently not right that she decided to move on. (JJ - if i've misinterpreted what you were meaning, pls correct me)

 

MBEG - You know what my thoughts are. Right now the only one you owe anything to is you ... (and people can flame me until kingdom come I won't back down). You are a person with an equal right to a true existence on this earth as all the rest of us.

 

You are not here to make your H happy (that's HIS job), or your xMM happy (that's HIS job).

 

I imagine there are a billion feelings running round in you right now - trying to push and pull you in every direction ... guilt, desire, confusion, anger, hurt, confusion ... more confusion.

 

I maintain that YOUR only job is to look after your health and your sanity whilst you work through this and find the real person that is you.

 

The only other people who you need to worry about are your children (since they are not adults). Everyone else in this picture is, I believe, an adult and is perfectly capable of handling (or leanring to handle if they haven't already their own emotions).

 

xMM is, I believe, deflecting his guilt on to you ... and I would agree with you .. it's just not your problem and it became not your problem the moment he decided you leave you in front of that bus.

 

Are you going to IC yet btw ... if not, then I can't recommend it enough ...

 

Meanwhile, keep going, distract yourself when you need to, chalk up those NC days on the wall if that's what keeps you going and slowly you will find the real you emerging again ....

 

Keep strong and remember you're worth it ..

 

.. finally, I don't accept that you made a mistake. You made a descision based upon the facts you had at the time - and the outcome has not been what you were hoping for ... that's not a mistake. Equally when you got married I doubted you intended for this to be the result - again you made a descision and the outcome perhaps ended up not being what you were hoping for.

[Passion4Life]

I agree with JJ here .. if MBEG is not a serial cheater (and I don't think she is) nor a sadist (and I don't think she is that either) then clearly something, somewhere (in the marriage or her life, or anywhere else) was sufficiently not right that she decided to move on. (JJ - if i've misinterpreted what you were meaning, pls correct me)

 

MBEG - You know what my thoughts are. Right now the only one you owe anything to is you ... (and people can flame me until kingdom come I won't back down). You are a person with an equal right to a true existence on this earth as all the rest of us.

 

You are not here to make your H happy (that's HIS job), or your xMM happy (that's HIS job).

 

I imagine there are a billion feelings running round in you right now - trying to push and pull you in every direction ... guilt, desire, confusion, anger, hurt, confusion ... more confusion.

 

I maintain that YOUR only job is to look after your health and your sanity whilst you work through this and find the real person that is you.

 

The only other people who you need to worry about are your children (since they are not adults). Everyone else in this picture is, I believe, an adult and is perfectly capable of handling (or leanring to handle if they haven't already their own emotions).

 

xMM is, I believe, deflecting his guilt on to you ... and I would agree with you .. it's just not your problem and it became not your problem the moment he decided you leave you in front of that bus.

 

Are you going to IC yet btw ... if not, then I can't recommend it enough ...

 

Meanwhile, keep going, distract yourself when you need to, chalk up those NC days on the wall if that's what keeps you going and slowly you will find the real you emerging again ....

 

Keep strong and remember you're worth it ..

 

.. finally, I don't accept that you made a mistake. You made a descision based upon the facts you had at the time - and the outcome has not been what you were hoping for ... that's not a mistake. Equally when you got married I doubted you intended for this to be the result - again you made a descision and the outcome perhaps ended up not being what you were hoping for.

 

is it u who has to accept if she made a mistake ? its always wise to accept ones mistake & learn from it rather than trying to defend

it , as u r suggesting her to do .

[anne1707]

LOL Of course it matters if MBEG wants her husband back or not. A marriage is a two-way street. You both need to want each other.

 

(((((MBEG)))))

 

Which is part of the point I was trying to make. MBEG does not seem to genuinely want her marriage to work - she still considers the possibility of a relationship with the ex-MM. A marriage can only succeed if both are fully committed to it. My comment was more at the way MBEG made it sound as if it was her decision alone. It was also in line with a view in an earlier post that you have not referred to so I am not the only one with this view.

 

Said I would get attacked, didn't I.

[jwi71]

Oh good grief.

 

BEG...if you're H hasn't filed then you do so and lets end this farce. From day one, myself and virtually every poster here has told you the same thing over and over.

 

To no avail.

 

I've read where you never wanted an R with the MM - only an A.

I've read where you couldn't bear hurting your H.

I've read where you never wanted to see, hear or talk to the MM again.

 

In sum, you've said it all.

Only to post a reversal days, sometimes weeks later.

 

Please, just file for D and end this.

I thought I read where your MM was being divorced...so file and pursue and honest R with him. Lets face it, its what you want. Its all you EVER post about.

 

Your H will survive as will your children. Put them (your kids) first and try and build a life with your MM.

 

Good luck...your gonna need (and more)...

[silverplanets]

is it u who has to accept if she made a mistake ? its always wise to accept ones mistake & learn from it rather than trying to defend

it , as u r suggesting her to do .

 

Would it be a "mistake" if in two years time she ...

 

develops a relationship with a new man which leaves her healthily fulfilled for the rest of her time on this planet?

 

or

 

works things through with her H to a new (and better) relationship that means they both live out the rest of their lives in conscious awareness, love and support

 

or

 

goes to IC and reaches such a deep level of peace that she no longer needs to obtain validation from a relationship and can instead love one or more others at a differnet level

 

etc, etc

 

I just think it's rather premature to use the mistake word, that's all

 

As for me, I am not blind to times my descisions have not got the results I was intending ... after all I was the one who lived the results !!!

 

but yes, I don't disagree, when I sit back and analyse and find my descision to be poor I do see if I can improve my descision making process ...

 

eg: I now have a red flag for any married woman .. no if's, no buts .. etc, etc

[whichwayisup]

MBEG isn't a serial cheater, she just has some form of an obsession with this particular MM. No matter what happens, what is said, done - Past and present, even future, NOTHING seems to stop her from letting go, giving herself closure. She at times thinks she's got closure, from talking to him, talking to his wife, the threats, no follow through's, even her H has tried everything, and he finally gave up and they're separated.

 

MBEG, I honesly don't know how to help you, so many people have given you all sorts of advice in the past bunch of months and it sticks with you for afew days/weeks, then you do a 180 and all bets are off.

 

I AM worried about you. This is more than ego hurting, that he chose his marriage and wife over you. you're having a real hard time accepting things, letting go and not being in control. Please get help, counseling so you can talk this out with a professional. You have to let this go and somehow find "you" again. This has taken over your life and it'll only get worse if you don't get help.

[jennie-jennie]

MBEG isn't a serial cheater, she just has some form of an obsession with this particular MM. No matter what happens, what is said, done - Past and present, even future, NOTHING seems to stop her from letting go, giving herself closure. She at times thinks she's got closure, from talking to him, talking to his wife, the threats, no follow through's, even her H has tried everything, and he finally gave up and they're separated.

 

MBEG, I honesly don't know how to help you, so many people have given you all sorts of advice in the past bunch of months and it sticks with you for afew days/weeks, then you do a 180 and all bets are off.

 

I AM worried about you. This is more than ego hurting, that he chose his marriage and wife over you. you're having a real hard time accepting things, letting go and not being in control. Please get help, counseling so you can talk this out with a professional. You have to let this go and somehow find "you" again. This has taken over your life and it'll only get worse if you don't get help.

 

An obsession? Sounds to me like MBEG just might still be in love with her MM. Those emotions don't go away just because there is a Dday. She has been very hurt, however, when he threw her under the bus.

 

I believe MBEG is going to counseling already. She is doing the best she can from where she is at.

Edited January 22, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[Heather1]

MBEG, you & I are in similar circumstances (except I think you're a lot younger than me).

 

What breaks my heart is you've suffered all the consequences over this, & OM really has not. I think you were fine w/ just an A, when you were both M. I don't know what it is about A's that keep us going back for more rounds, everything's so amplified & intense. In a regular relationship, with no other's involved, you just break up. The end. Work on yourself & what makes YOU happy without anyone else. Easy for me to say huh?

 

The other thing I've noticed is we're drawn to the familiar, no matter how logical our heads are. Moth to flame stuff.

[White Flower]

so xmm and i have been very limited contact after he threw me under the bus. hes constantly contacted me. tried to talked tome and break the NC that he claims he wanted.

 

recently i decided to hear him out. it was a few weeks ago and he said all of the right things.

 

today he decided he wanted to talk to me again. but all of this built up anger came out and a let him have it. he claims we're responsible for the pain after dday. i agree. i hurt my husband and i deserve what comes from that. he hurt his wife and he deserves what comes from that.

 

but i never hurt xmm. of course, hes hurt me deeply. although i am responsible and accept whatever pain comes from the aftermath of dday, i never hurt my xmm. i never threw him under the bus, never betrayed our feelings or our trust, never chose to shut him out of my life.

 

so in my mindset he hurt me. his choices and actions destroyed me. as far as "our" R was concerned he broke my heart. and although i deserve whatever comes as far as my M, doing wrong by having an A in my mind does not mean that i deserve the hurt that is caused by xMM leaving me after dday.

 

i told him not to speak to me anymore. he hasnt acted as my friend and so he shouldnt pretend to be my friend or care about me. i will not contact him or indulge in his petty conversations anymore. for me its strict NC unless he decides he wants a real R with me.

 

not sure if i'm looking for opinions or advice or whatever. bottom line is my heart hurts. i would appreciate anything anyone else could offer.

I disagree. He IS responsible for YOUR pain because he threw you under the bus. And now he wants you back???

 

I think he needs to feel sorry for what he has put you through, then he needs to clarify what he wants from you. Are you willing to go back to the same A? A new and redefined A? An out in the open R with him leaving?

[fooled once]

So you really have been pining for the MM?

 

You say you would take your H back, but in the next breath, you will take the MM back if he will be your best friend, if you will admit he loves you, if he will treat you like he did when you were in the affair.

 

MBEG, I really had thought you had grown/changed/determined that this LOSER isn't the guy you thought he was.

 

You are mad that he threw you under the bus. You willingly sacrificed your marriage for this guy who threw you under the bus.

 

You have stayed in contact with him....waiting for him to want you again like he used to.

 

I really hope your H sees this and takes the steps needed to end the marriage. You really have no desire for the marriage...or your desire is really just a back up plan since the affair isn't starting back up to your liking.

 

I truly don't mean to be harsh.... but dang. I couldn't beleive the words I read. I had thought you had realized this MM was -- well ... MARRIED and therefore unavailable for you UNLESS you just want to go back to being the OW. And I guess, from what I have read, you will do that, as long as he treats you decently.

 

I just feel sad for you because you have almost turned this into a competition -- and you want to win this 'wonderful' guy who has shown you who he is, has proven he can't be trusted but for some reason, you are fixated on him.

[bittersweet memories]

I agree with JJ here .. if MBEG is not a serial cheater (and I don't think she is) nor a sadist (and I don't think she is that either) then clearly something, somewhere (in the marriage or her life, or anywhere else) was sufficiently not right that she decided to move on. (JJ - if i've misinterpreted what you were meaning, pls correct me)

 

MBEG - You know what my thoughts are. Right now the only one you owe anything to is you ... (and people can flame me until kingdom come I won't back down). You are a person with an equal right to a true existence on this earth as all the rest of us.

 

You are not here to make your H happy (that's HIS job), or your xMM happy (that's HIS job).

 

I imagine there are a billion feelings running round in you right now - trying to push and pull you in every direction ... guilt, desire, confusion, anger, hurt, confusion ... more confusion.

 

I maintain that YOUR only job is to look after your health and your sanity whilst you work through this and find the real person that is you.

 

The only other people who you need to worry about are your children (since they are not adults). Everyone else in this picture is, I believe, an adult and is perfectly capable of handling (or leanring to handle if they haven't already their own emotions).

 

xMM is, I believe, deflecting his guilt on to you ... and I would agree with you .. it's just not your problem and it became not your problem the moment he decided you leave you in front of that bus.

 

Are you going to IC yet btw ... if not, then I can't recommend it enough ...

 

Meanwhile, keep going, distract yourself when you need to, chalk up those NC days on the wall if that's what keeps you going and slowly you will find the real you emerging again ....

 

Keep strong and remember you're worth it ..

 

.. finally, I don't accept that you made a mistake. You made a descision based upon the facts you had at the time - and the outcome has not been what you were hoping for ... that's not a mistake. Equally when you got married I doubted you intended for this to be the result - again you made a descision and the outcome perhaps ended up not being what you were hoping for.

 

Wow..talk about NOT taking responsibities for your actions.

Yeah thats the way to live life.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

MBEG,

 

I just can't wrap my head around the logic here. Maybe there is some history that I don't quite remember.

 

he claims we're responsible for the pain after dday. i agree. i hurt my husband and i deserve what comes from that. he hurt his wife and he deserves what comes from that.

 

So you are saying that YOU and HE deserve the pain that comes from your choices to betray your spouses. It is the pain that HE caused YOU that you don't deserve? Did you spouses deserve the pain YOU caused THEM??? How is this any different. Even your own H had the good sense to get out of the situation you chose for HIM, yet YOU are still wallowing in the choice YOU made, still telling MM what you need to be with him????

 

Your H chose to leave, his W chose to stay. Did you enter into this affair with an agreement that you would both leave you spouses? Is that why the affair was hidden? Because the two of you had taken steps to leave the marriage to be together? I don't understand how he threw you under the bus. I see how you both threw your spouses under the bus when you were playing behind their backs, but how did he throw you under the bus. You knew he was married, as were you! You both took a gamble, which you both own. YOU actually have more insight and information into this man's true self than does his own W.

 

so thats what i told him. unless he can be my best friend again. unless he realizes that he loves me. unless he admits to her his feelings for me than i cannot be part of his petty conversations.

 

i would willing take H back and dump xmm at the door and never look back, but H has been hurt too badly. i cannot blame him for that. its my own actions that have caused this.

 

Can both these things be true??? Your MM wanted an affair, YOU wanted an affair. After Dday, you are no longer happy unless he admits to his wife that he had feelings for you? Why is that? Yet, you would take your H back, only he's been hurt too badly by you and you understand that. So, why not take a little lesson from your STBXH, and apply his way of thinking to your MM. Then your MM, can apply your way of thinking to himself.... She's not willing to be in an affair, even though that was the agreement, and I understand that she is hurt and has changed her mind. This way everyone can have the peace that you and your STBXH have.

 

Honestly, MBEG, I think that if you can get into IC, take a good look at yourself, find the answer to a very important question, then you might be able to go on and find a nice SM someday that you can be happy with. You're still young, but you're not getting any younger. Seems to me that you are wasting some valuable time worrying about this MM, who has shown you time and time again who he really is.

 

Figure out why the hurt and disappointment you feel regarding your MM, is so much more difficult to live with than the hurt and disappointment you've caused someone else. I think if my sister could have done that herself, she wouldn't have lost every friend and family member in her life, and wouldn't be the most miserable, self destructive human being I've ever met. She operated under the same type logic that you do in every aspect of her life. Its been terribly sad to watch.

[Samantha0905]

MBEG, I'm sorry for the pain you must be feeling. I feel badly for everyone involved.

 

I find it sad when I read people referring to others as "losers," etc. when they don't know the person at all.

 

Has your husband filed? It has always seemed to me you seem to have only decided to stay with him IF your former AP/MM did not choose to be with you. I'm assuming your husband has figured this out at this point. I don't know how that love could be repaired.

 

I honestly agree with whoever mentioned you are still in love with your former AP/MM. I don't understand why he keeps talking to you at all unless he's enjoying the ego boost. At this point with everyone knowing about the affair, he either wants to be with you or not and it would appear he has chosen to stay married to his wife. I suppose, however, he would not go out of his way to talk to you if he truly is working on his marriage. In actuality, it sounds like he wants to get back to having both again under the guise of being your "friend."

 

The individual counseling suggestion is a great idea for you. It has to feel like such a loss to you to have lost both your husband and your former AP/MM. Perhaps once you are divorced, you will be able to move forward in a more healthy manner as far as relationships are concerned.

 

In any event, I hope things get easier for you emotionally.

[Passion4Life]

I disagree. He IS responsible for YOUR pain because he threw you under the bus. And now he wants you back???

 

I think he needs to feel sorry for what he has put you through, then he needs to clarify what he wants from you. Are you willing to go back to the same A? A new and redefined A? An out in the open R with him leaving?

 

i think what he has done to her is nothing compared to what she did to her husband . with him what she had was just an affair , but with her husband it was trust .

[Passion4Life]

MBEG, I'm sorry for the pain you must be feeling. I feel badly for everyone involved.

 

I find it sad when I read people referring to others as "losers," etc. when they don't know the person at all.

 

Has your husband filed? It has always seemed to me you seem to have only decided to stay with him IF your former AP/MM did not choose to be with you. I'm assuming your husband has figured this out at this point. I don't know how that love could be repaired.

 

I honestly agree with whoever mentioned you are still in love with your former AP/MM. I don't understand why he keeps talking to you at all unless he's enjoying the ego boost. At this point with everyone knowing about the affair, he either wants to be with you or not and it would appear he has chosen to stay married to his wife. I suppose, however, he would not go out of his way to talk to you if he truly is working on his marriage. In actuality, it sounds like he wants to get back to having both again under the guise of being your "friend."

 

The individual counseling suggestion is a great idea for you. It has to feel like such a loss to you to have lost both your husband and your former AP/MM. Perhaps once you are divorced, you will be able to move forward in a more healthy manner as far as relationships are concerned.

 

In any event, I hope things get easier for you emotionally.

 

i dont think she considers losing her husband as a loss