Author Ilovehim Posted January 22, 2010 Author Posted January 22, 2010 thank you everyone!! i will def start to look at the positive things but the few little things do annoy me sometimes.. also i saw this on another thread..and i feel like a hypocrite for saying this but sometimes when we go out to eat, he'll let me split the money for the check...and he makes SO MUCH MORE money than me..he'll tell me "no it's okay. keep the money you need it." but then i'll tell him "no, dont worry. i'll split with you" and he accepts and says "thank you. you're a sweetheart." i understand i'm being a hypocrite here, but something inside me wishes he would insist on paying because he indeed knows i only work one day a week and i need the money for food, but he lets me. i'll pay $20 out of a $60 so he still pays alot more...but i wish he would pay all of it...
Stung Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 thank you..no i truly understand what you mean..that's why i don't make a big deal about it..because he is a great guy and trust me i appreciate him alot..he does compliment me all the time...i guess as dumb as it sounds its simply about when he texts me or calls me..the way he greets me i guess..its always like "hey, etc etc" instead of "hey gorgeous etc etc..." LOL i realize this sounds sooo dumb..and perhaps it is I should not have come across so harshly in my first post. If I am not mistaken, OP, you seem pretty young. Time is likely to teach you that finding men who treat you with sincerity and respect, who compliment you and tell you they miss you on a regular basis...well, those men can turn out to be hard to find. While we all have preferences on how we are addressed and the levels of romance our relationships attain, I hope you are not glossing over his genuine good treatment of you because it falls short of a Hollywood ideal. Life is not the movies, and it is important to really value good things you have in your hands, rather than dwell on their minor imperfections. That being said, if you keep your expectations realistic you might be able to talk to him about this pretty easily. Wanting him to change his style completely and spout poetry at you is probably unrealistic, but getting him to address you differently shouldn't be too hard. My husband is not a natural at romantic gestures either, most of the time. One day out of the blue he was talking to me and he called me 'my love.' I stopped him, kissed him, and told him that I liked it that he had called me that. Once he saw he'd get a positive reaction from something so simple, he started calling me that all the time.
sagetalk Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 i understand i'm being a hypocrite here, but something inside me wishes he would insist on paying because he indeed knows i only work one day a week and i need the money for food, but he lets me. i'll pay $20 out of a $60 so he still pays alot more...but i wish he would pay all of it... Do yourself a favor and stop thinking so much. You could ruin a perfectly good relationship because you have no idea what you are doing. Take up a hobby like tennis, video games, exercising, get a pet, anything to get you out of your negative, nitpicking mentality.
jw90063 Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 thank you everyone!! i will def start to look at the positive things but the few little things do annoy me sometimes.. also i saw this on another thread..and i feel like a hypocrite for saying this but sometimes when we go out to eat, he'll let me split the money for the check...and he makes SO MUCH MORE money than me..he'll tell me "no it's okay. keep the money you need it." but then i'll tell him "no, dont worry. i'll split with you" and he accepts and says "thank you. you're a sweetheart." i understand i'm being a hypocrite here, but something inside me wishes he would insist on paying because he indeed knows i only work one day a week and i need the money for food, but he lets me. i'll pay $20 out of a $60 so he still pays alot more...but i wish he would pay all of it... Well, yes it all has to do with expecting too much from someone in order to make yourself feel better. I think you are not completely secure in the fact he cares for you, so he has to say and do certain things to make you feel this way. Where in fact, he already is.
Orchid8 Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 also i saw this on another thread..and i feel like a hypocrite for saying this but sometimes when we go out to eat, he'll let me split the money for the check...and he makes SO MUCH MORE money than me..he'll tell me "no it's okay. keep the money you need it." but then i'll tell him "no, dont worry. i'll split with you" and he accepts and says "thank you. you're a sweetheart." i understand i'm being a hypocrite here, but something inside me wishes he would insist on paying because he indeed knows i only work one day a week and i need the money for food, but he lets me. i'll pay $20 out of a $60 so he still pays alot more...but i wish he would pay all of it... If you didn't want to split, don't offer. It's as simple as that. This topic has been going on and on in another thread and personally, I'm just waiting for it to die already. He told you to keep your money and you still insisted on paying so that was your choice.
Author Ilovehim Posted January 22, 2010 Author Posted January 22, 2010 Do yourself a favor and stop thinking so much. You could ruin a perfectly good relationship because you have no idea what you are doing. Take up a hobby like tennis, video games, exercising, get a pet, anything to get you out of your negative, nitpicking mentality. LOL thanks for basically saying i don't have a life. jk i can appreciate your guys' honesty, again i'm not a spoiled little brat, i am aware of the fact that this are minor things and am willing to expect that perhaps not being a romantic is his flaw because thats the only thing lacking. LOL
hoping2heal Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 LOL you're funny...hahahah...thanks BABE for your opinion. lol also im not saying this bothers me EXTREMELY and i dont want him to be like my ex, i simply want him to be more "romantic" i guess is the word? lol So why not just tell him?
Author Ilovehim Posted January 22, 2010 Author Posted January 22, 2010 Well, yes it all has to do with expecting too much from someone in order to make yourself feel better. I think you are not completely secure in the fact he cares for you, so he has to say and do certain things to make you feel this way. Where in fact, he already is. wow...that is very true. i never realized that up untill now...i also tend to get very upset if i think he is not going to call me at night (he calls me every night)...last week he called me later than usual and i thought he wasnt going to call so i became very upset and started thinking he no longer cared and was going to change...because when my ex borke up with me, he did it by stopped calling me and pulling himself away from me little by little..so you're right.in a way i feel like i constantly need to be reminded that he cares...and sometimes it scares me that he is so great..that he calls me every night and does so much..because im afraid it might change one day..
jw90063 Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 wow...that is very true. i never realized that up untill now...i also tend to get very upset if i think he is not going to call me at night (he calls me every night)...last week he called me later than usual and i thought he wasnt going to call so i became very upset and started thinking he no longer cared and was going to change...because when my ex borke up with me, he did it by stopped calling me and pulling himself away from me little by little..so you're right.in a way i feel like i constantly need to be reminded that he cares...and sometimes it scares me that he is so great..that he calls me every night and does so much..because im afraid it might change one day.. Yeah, I have expected too much before, but sometimes you have the right to expect more. I really hate it when I think a guy won't call. It makes me sick to my stomach. How much later did he call you? Does he do things like say he's going to call and doesn't or what? I wonder if he is doing some things that have caused you to doubt his feelings for you. You say, your ex stopped calling and pulled himself way. This alone probably is causing you to fear your new BF is going to do the same thing. Any little thing he doesn't do perfectly in your book, you wonder if he that signifies he is losing interest in you.
hoping2heal Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Yeah, I have expected too much before, but sometimes you have the right to expect more. I really hate it when I think a guy won't call. It makes me sick to my stomach. How much later did he call you? Does he do things like say he's going to call and doesn't or what? I wonder if he is doing some things that have caused you to doubt his feelings for you. You say, your ex stopped calling and pulled himself way. This alone probably is causing you to fear your new BF is going to do the same thing. Any little thing he doesn't do perfectly in your book, you wonder if he that signifies he is losing interest in you. I agree with this post here. Yes, maybe for whatever reason you need affirmation to feel secure. Now, expecting him to text you every 15 minutes, call you every hour? Okay that's a little much Sybil. However, wanting a guy to be a little more affectionate with you? Not a big deal, sometimes you have to ask to get what you want. That doesn't mean he will begin acting to the letter what you want; but he will step up and be affectionate in his own way and that should give you more of what you need and in turn, however he chooses to do that? You are greatful for.
OnlyJake Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 its always like "hey, etc etc" instead of "hey gorgeous etc etc..." LOL i realize this sounds sooo dumb..and perhaps it is Yes, it sounds really incredibly dumb.
Woggle Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Be glad he doesn't do that because if he did you might be on here complaining about feeling smothered.
Author Ilovehim Posted January 22, 2010 Author Posted January 22, 2010 Yeah, I have expected too much before, but sometimes you have the right to expect more. I really hate it when I think a guy won't call. It makes me sick to my stomach. How much later did he call you? Does he do things like say he's going to call and doesn't or what? I wonder if he is doing some things that have caused you to doubt his feelings for you. You say, your ex stopped calling and pulled himself way. This alone probably is causing you to fear your new BF is going to do the same thing. Any little thing he doesn't do perfectly in your book, you wonder if he that signifies he is losing interest in you. he called around 1:00 AM.. he's not necessarily doing things to make me question his feelings for me but he does remind me that he might move (i knew him since i met him) and that because he might move, he is trying to hold back on the whole "being crazy in love" thing. he still treats me with respect, honesty and everything. however i do admit that i dont have that security and that "we're so in love" feeling. the reason why he moves around is because of his career, however he might stay in this city as well...he's just waiting to see what they tell him..maybe that has something to do with it..i admit that i dont feel secure when it comes to this relationship..but i don't know if that's something that's within me or if i have the right to feel insecure about it
Author Ilovehim Posted January 22, 2010 Author Posted January 22, 2010 I agree with this post here. Yes, maybe for whatever reason you need affirmation to feel secure. Now, expecting him to text you every 15 minutes, call you every hour? Okay that's a little much Sybil. However, wanting a guy to be a little more affectionate with you? Not a big deal, sometimes you have to ask to get what you want. That doesn't mean he will begin acting to the letter what you want; but he will step up and be affectionate in his own way and that should give you more of what you need and in turn, however he chooses to do that? You are greatful for. No, i do not want him to text me every second. im not that type of girl. but i do want a phone call at night before going to sleep even if it's just to say goodnight and all.. he does alot for me. he calls me in the morning to wish me good morning, he texts me throughout the day to check how my day is going and he calls me every night so we can talk about our days and to say goodnight to each other. he is truly amazing, no complains (at least no big ones) ...what im saying is since he does this every day, if i hear nothing from him all day i'll think something's up. like one day maybe i'll understand...2...umm...i'll get more upset but if its 3 days, im almost certain somethings wrong or he is trying to get away from me. he did this once a few months ago and we talked about it, he apologized and told me that he actually WAS trying to keep a distant because he felt his feelings for me were growing too much too soon... but for the past 4 months as i said he has been great on that department...more than i could ask for!
hoping2heal Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 he called around 1:00 AM.. he's not necessarily doing things to make me question his feelings for me but he does remind me that he might move (i knew him since i met him) and that because he might move, he is trying to hold back on the whole "being crazy in love" thing. he still treats me with respect, honesty and everything. however i do admit that i dont have that security and that "we're so in love" feeling. the reason why he moves around is because of his career, however he might stay in this city as well...he's just waiting to see what they tell him..maybe that has something to do with it..i admit that i dont feel secure when it comes to this relationship..but i don't know if that's something that's within me or if i have the right to feel insecure about it OH well no WONDER. It's a little difficult to feel secure about something that could end at any given moment, and you KNOW the person across is making an effort to not fall in love with you. We all know we're going to die someday, but if we find out we have a terminal illness and no knowledge of a cure; we don't ever settle into security that we have another year ahead of us.
Stung Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 thank you everyone!! i will def start to look at the positive things but the few little things do annoy me sometimes.. also i saw this on another thread..and i feel like a hypocrite for saying this but sometimes when we go out to eat, he'll let me split the money for the check...and he makes SO MUCH MORE money than me..he'll tell me "no it's okay. keep the money you need it." but then i'll tell him "no, dont worry. i'll split with you" and he accepts and says "thank you. you're a sweetheart." i understand i'm being a hypocrite here, but something inside me wishes he would insist on paying because he indeed knows i only work one day a week and i need the money for food, but he lets me. i'll pay $20 out of a $60 so he still pays alot more...but i wish he would pay all of it... You are putting too much on this guy. He DOES try to pay the tab, YOU insist on paying part of it, and then you fret about this? Please pay attention: you are creating drama. You in fact seem to be what is commonly referred to as a drama queen. Next time he tells you to keep your money because you need it, listen to him. What do you realistically expect him to do, continue the argument into the wee hours? Slap your wallet right out of your hand?
jw90063 Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 No, i do not want him to text me every second. im not that type of girl. but i do want a phone call at night before going to sleep even if it's just to say goodnight and all.. he does alot for me. he calls me in the morning to wish me good morning, he texts me throughout the day to check how my day is going and he calls me every night so we can talk about our days and to say goodnight to each other. he is truly amazing, no complains (at least no big ones) ...what im saying is since he does this every day, if i hear nothing from him all day i'll think something's up. like one day maybe i'll understand...2...umm...i'll get more upset but if its 3 days, im almost certain somethings wrong or he is trying to get away from me. he did this once a few months ago and we talked about it, he apologized and told me that he actually WAS trying to keep a distant because he felt his feelings for me were growing too much too soon... but for the past 4 months as i said he has been great on that department...more than i could ask for! Oh I see. So you are probably in constant fear he is going to up and leave(or disappear), and you are watching out for clues that may indicate he is not going to be around to see you. I've done this before, and I would rather be single than worry.
Author Ilovehim Posted January 22, 2010 Author Posted January 22, 2010 You are putting too much on this guy. He DOES try to pay the tab, YOU insist on paying part of it, and then you fret about this? Please pay attention: you are creating drama. You in fact seem to be what is commonly referred to as a drama queen. Next time he tells you to keep your money because you need it, listen to him. What do you realistically expect him to do, continue the argument into the wee hours? Slap your wallet right out of your hand? i appreciate your honesty but i am not a drama queen. the reason why i pay is because sometimes i genuinely want to split the bill but sometimes i feel as though i have to...almost like he'll be annoyed if i don't offer. he has told me before that he believes a man shouldn't have have to always pay...he will tell me stories about how his friend and his girl are always splitting the bill and how sometimes he pays and sometimes she does...so half the time i do because i want to and the other half its because thats what he wants.
jw90063 Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 You are putting too much on this guy. He DOES try to pay the tab, YOU insist on paying part of it, and then you fret about this? Please pay attention: you are creating drama. You in fact seem to be what is commonly referred to as a drama queen. Next time he tells you to keep your money because you need it, listen to him. What do you realistically expect him to do, continue the argument into the wee hours? Slap your wallet right out of your hand? Ironically your name is Stung, but you seem like a fierce bee wanting to sting someone. I think she already feels bad about this, are you really helping?
Stung Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 he called around 1:00 AM.. he's not necessarily doing things to make me question his feelings for me but he does remind me that he might move (i knew him since i met him) and that because he might move, he is trying to hold back on the whole "being crazy in love" thing. he still treats me with respect, honesty and everything. however i do admit that i dont have that security and that "we're so in love" feeling. the reason why he moves around is because of his career, however he might stay in this city as well...he's just waiting to see what they tell him..maybe that has something to do with it..i admit that i dont feel secure when it comes to this relationship..but i don't know if that's something that's within me or if i have the right to feel insecure about it Ok, what you were saying earlier about wanting over-the-top Hollywood love, that leads me to believe you have unrealistic expectations and a predeliction for drama. However, I can understand a reasonable fear of vulnerability with a man who might be moving away. I still think however that you need to work on learning to separate the two, your reasonable relationship worries from the drama you create yourself.
Author Ilovehim Posted January 22, 2010 Author Posted January 22, 2010 Oh I see. So you are probably in constant fear he is going to up and leave(or disappear), and you are watching out for clues that may indicate he is not going to be around to see you. I've done this before, and I would rather be single than worry. i have thought about leaving too but it's so hard because this is a great relationship, and because it is not guaranteed that he will leave. how can you walk out of someone who makes you so happy, is always there for you and who you truly care for? to me that's like saying "i'm going to walk out of this relatiosnhip because it might end." i think every relationship has the possibilty of ending. it is not certain he will move. the possibility that he might is annoying and causes me insecurities but i want to give it a chance.
jw90063 Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 i have thought about leaving too but it's so hard because this is a great relationship, and because it is not guaranteed that he will leave. how can you walk out of someone who makes you so happy, is always there for you and who you truly care for? to me that's like saying "i'm going to walk out of this relatiosnhip because it might end." i think every relationship has the possibilty of ending. it is not certain he will move. the possibility that he might is annoying and causes me insecurities but i want to give it a chance. Have you discussed with him what would happen if he had to move? Is he up for long distance relationships or what? Maybe it would help to talk about it. I would think if he really cares for you, it could be worked out regardless of him moving. Of course, I don't know where he might be moving to if he does.
Author Ilovehim Posted January 22, 2010 Author Posted January 22, 2010 Ok, what you were saying earlier about wanting over-the-top Hollywood love, that leads me to believe you have unrealistic expectations and a predeliction for drama. However, I can understand a reasonable fear of vulnerability with a man who might be moving away. I still think however that you need to work on learning to separate the two, your reasonable relationship worries from the drama you create yourself. i understand. the little things arent extreme worries, just small annoyances. have you ever liked someone who had a habit you couldnt stand? this is kind of like what that is..the whole "i like to be approached by "hey my love" instead of just "hey whats up" is not something that bothers me to an extreme. its a small annoyance that i can deal with. i wrote about it here because it happens all the time..he hardly ever greets me differently..and i wanted to know what everyone else felt about it..however the fact that he might move does bother me because i feel myself liking him more and more each time
Stung Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 I think she already feels bad about this, are you really helping? In my opinion, yes. She admits to, but then minimizes and glosses over a lot of her more contradictory and hypocritical actions, which is a common human way of rationalizing drama. She does not seem to be able to see the forest for the trees. Sometimes this requires a bit of a shock to the system, better it be from a blunt stranger than a broken heart when a decent man gets tired of what he might reasonably perceive as headgames.
Author Ilovehim Posted January 22, 2010 Author Posted January 22, 2010 Have you discussed with him what would happen if he had to move? Is he up for long distance relationships or what? Maybe it would help to talk about it. I would think if he really cares for you, it could be worked out regardless of him moving. Of course, I don't know where he might be moving to if he does. yes we have talked about it a few times..he said i could move with him and live together but at this moment i have to finish school..we both agreed to not be in a long distance relationship...so if he moves, it will be over.
Recommended Posts