MontanaGirl Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 I'm in a graduate program with this guy, "Javier." When I met him, he was dating a girl he'd been with--on and off--for 15 years. Real quick, their history: they're European. When she got a job in the States 5 years ago, he followed her. She cheated on him with one of his only new friends here. They broke up for quite a while, but didn't tell many people they'd split because they worked in the same lab together. She moved to the other side of the country. About 10 months ago, they decided to try a (long distance) relationship again. I've known Javier for about a year, but started being friends with him about 6 months ago. I knew about his girlfriend, and honestly I never thought of him in a romantic way. That was, until three months ago, when he came over to my house and admitted he was developing feelings for me. I told him he had a girlfriend, and he could not be talking to me like that until he figured out what he wanted. He went to visit his girlfriend about a week later, and they decided to break up. I wanted him to be alone for a couple months, but he immediately started pursuing me--hard. I haven't been so impressed with someone in years. I have so much fun with him. He's considerate, he's funny, he's kind, our chemistry is just awesome.... Everything I want. The bad part: he wants to stay friends with his ex, and talks to her pretty frequently. I'd be ok with that (not thrilled, but ok), except she is not handling the break-up well. Once when he was at my house she called. He left, without any explaination, but came back later and said they'd been fighting for almost two hours. She threatened that if he told anyone they had broken up, she would never talk to him again. This is someone he's been close to for his entire adult life, and he doesn't want to lose the friendship. So, he's not ready to tell anyone that he's single. I ended things with him, but again, he pursued me, and I've started liking him so much, I agreed to date him secretly. He went back to Europe for Christmas, and promised he would figure things out--either be ready to move forward with me, or not. I told him I would wait that long, and although it hurt, I did it. We ended up IMing almost every day, always instigated by him. I finally asked him, online, if he was going to be with me when he got back. He said yes. I was on cloud 9, and let myself start developing real feelings for him. I didn't find out about this until after he got back (a couple weeks later), but two days after our conversation, his ex asked him to marry her. He said no, but it really messed him up, and now he's not ready to tell people he's not dating her anymore, "for her sake." I told myself I wouldn't be with him anymore if we had to be a secret. I tried to end things again, but again I caved. He told me that he loved me, that he was I'm limbo now, seeing a guy secretly, and starting to get really attached to him. What should I do? Am I right to be angry about this? I knew it would be hard for him, but how much should I put up with? If he were really available, he'd be the kind of guy I'd fall head over heels for. I'm falling for him anyway. Should I just run before I get in any deeper? Or is this something worth dealing with to maybe end up with a guy who makes me so happy? Oh yeah--I'm in his lab now--the lab he worked in with his girlfriend.... Am I just an idiot?
hoping2heal Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 I wouldn't get involved in anyone who is still so involved with his ex. I don't know what the deal is there but for whatever reason she still holds a lot of power over him. I couldn't feel safe and secure to fall in love with someone who is still under the influence of a former girlfriend.
Stung Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 I would never, NEVER put up with these shenanigans. While it is understandable that there is a lot of history and friendship with his ex, he is clearly showing you that his judgment is muddled, his boundaries are weak, and he is putting you in second place by keeping you a secret...in fact, I would seriously question whether they have actually broken up at all, I suspect you might be the Other Woman in his LDR. He might have many wonderful qualities, but they are negated by his disrespectful treatment of you and his continuing to elevate a supposed 'ex' above you. He is advocating dishonesty and essentially telling you right to your face that you are not as important to him as she is. Walk away, and tell him very clearly why you are doing so. If he is truly single and really serious about you, he will figure his sh*t out and come after you to talk things out and make amends. If you stay with him under these conditions, you are teaching him that you will accept poor treatment and emotional crumbs.
boogieboy Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Yeah, youre an idiot. You already know you should have given him a couple months, but you couldnt resist. If the saying is that it takes half the amount of time you were in a relationship to get over your ex, then he has 7 years to greive. You would easily be his rebound. He'd make you happy, but you'd be temorary. You cant get with someone JUST out of a 15 year relationship like that, especially since they are so toxic for each other. You need to walk away now before getting yourself in deeper, and stay away from him. Im sure you can find someone who is emotionally available for you. But youre going to get back with him first chance you get arent you?
dazzle22 Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 This guy is acting like his hands are tied and they totally are NOT. He sounds like a cheating married man! And he most definitely is not married. (right?..you sure???) He is really playing you, very good at the reeling you back in thing. I would not tolerate this at all. I would be long gone. This is a pattern. He likes playing poor helpless victim and he is FAR from it...
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 You're not an idiot, but you would be making a very ill-advised bet if stacking your social chips on him. He is clearly not over that 'ex' yet, and when their history eclipses by far anything you could represent in the guy's mind, then it just isn't sensible for you to pursue.
Satisfaction Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 You are not being silly but dating someone who is already involved is a slippery slope. They pull you in further and further till you end up spending years in pain. Take some time for yourself to think about you. He has made you lose focus on yourself and now its all about him and his relationship. Tell him you need to break up with him for a while to sort your head out. Then you can slowly cut back the contact! getting over him will be difficult, he has raised the bar with regards to how much you expect a guy to do in a relationship. So you may find dating hard. Best thing is to keep busy and think about other ways that you can be happy!
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