What are realistic expectations to have?

[NowhereToHide]

For the husbands out there....

 

What are realistic expectations for women to have in a marriage? I've seen a lot of threads centered around wives who have tried communicating to their husbands for years how they are unhappy and how they've been asking for so long for what they need. That would be me.

 

My husband is the kind of guy that is a great father and great provider. And that for the most part sums up what he feels his role is. He makes money, provides for the family, and is a good dad. I am not even on his radar. At all.

 

I, of course, want to be desired and loved. I would love for him to pay attention to me, to think of me as a part of his world rather than a person who takes care of the kids, the cooking, the cleaning, his family, etc. I want him to see me as an individual, the woman he married. It's been so long since he's SEEN me.

 

I am not at all saying that all of our marital problems are his fault. On the contrary, I absolutely have my role in where we have ended up.

 

But for the husbands... what is realistic for a wife to expect from her husband?

[nddb]

I can sense that you are hurting but I'm not sure if knowing about what some other husbands expect of themselves would help. Every guy is different and the same guy changes with age.

 

Expectations tend to lead to disappointment, especially if it's expectation of others' behavior. But when you aren't getting what you need, it's natural to be asking. I'm just not sure inquiry about what a wife's expectation should be would be helpful--I guess that's what I'm trying to say.

 

If you want a personal perspective of how ONE husband thinks, here it is. But I can guarantee you 100 guys will give you 100 different answers. Ask the same 100 guys in 10 years, and they will give you completely different answers.

 

The me in my 30's would veer more toward providing and trying to take care of things myself. So that's what she got. Lots of long hours at the office and busy busy busy. But it got us to a very stable and comfortable point in life.

 

The "me" in my 40's would try to make time to connect by complimenting with honesty, listening with some acknowledgment of her feelings and offering sympathy without taking on the fixing burden (unless asked and then it's full-on knight-rescuing-damsel-in-distress mode), and providing a sense of romantic pursuit with smaller but more frequent and personal gestures. My banker role was done, now I'm more in the sharing mode. So that's what she's getting.

 

Ain't no telling what she's getting 10 years from now. Good thing is she's hot and she's loyal so I'm lucky there.

[giotto]

erm... love, affection, tenderness, but also a sense of safety and protection... real cooperation in dealing with family issues and family life... a 100% partnership, with communication. This is how I see it... unfortunately, I'm more in your position... my wife wouldn't communicate with me, despite my efforts... having said that, we do have a nice family, shame about the marriage... lol

[wheelwright]

For the husbands out there....

 

What are realistic expectations for women to have in a marriage? I've seen a lot of threads centered around wives who have tried communicating to their husbands for years how they are unhappy and how they've been asking for so long for what they need. That would be me.

 

My husband is the kind of guy that is a great father and great provider. And that for the most part sums up what he feels his role is. He makes money, provides for the family, and is a good dad. I am not even on his radar. At all.

 

I, of course, want to be desired and loved. I would love for him to pay attention to me, to think of me as a part of his world rather than a person who takes care of the kids, the cooking, the cleaning, his family, etc. I want him to see me as an individual, the woman he married. It's been so long since he's SEEN me.

 

I am not at all saying that all of our marital problems are his fault. On the contrary, I absolutely have my role in where we have ended up.

 

But for the husbands... what is realistic for a wife to expect from her husband?

 

Sorry I am a W not a H. But this made me want to say something anyway. Never been comfortable with retreating due to gender.

 

My H's needs were somehow met even though there wasn't the level of intimacy (sex was OK though) I needed.

 

You know what it is like when you do a job that's not your ideal, doesn't fulfill but brings home the bread? And you know the empassioned people who change that, the practical ones who don't?

 

The latter are many of us not just men.

 

For it to be more than that, we need our passions motivated. That will be different for everyone. In a M, we really should know how to do that for our partner already. Something went wrong in the M choice if not.

 

But people are great learners.

 

We need to learn to inspire and motivate our partner's passions. To understand who they are. To make them more than they are. To make the both in the partnership better.

 

And the way life works out, some of us work in a job they love, some just earn. Same in M.

[NowhereToHide]

Sorry I am a W not a H. But this made me want to say something anyway. Never been comfortable with retreating due to gender.

 

My H's needs were somehow met even though there wasn't the level of intimacy (sex was OK though) I needed.

 

You know what it is like when you do a job that's not your ideal, doesn't fulfill but brings home the bread? And you know the empassioned people who change that, the practical ones who don't?

 

The latter are many of us not just men.

 

For it to be more than that, we need our passions motivated. That will be different for everyone. In a M, we really should know how to do that for our partner already. Something went wrong in the M choice if not.

 

But people are great learners.

 

We need to learn to inspire and motivate our partner's passions. To understand who they are. To make them more than they are. To make the both in the partnership better.

 

And the way life works out, some of us work in a job they love, some just earn. Same in M.

 

This is a really good post, Wheelright... thank you.

 

Some days I start to questions whether my needs are realistic or not... you know, if I should just "figure it out" and hang in the marriage where there isn't a lot of passion.

 

I have tried pretty much everything to inspire and motivate my H's passions. But I am starting to believe that he isn't built that way. And yeah, it is probably an issue with my choice of partner at the end of the day. I knew how he was when I married him... I just wasn't that certain of who I was I guess... and what I really need.

 

Who knows... maybe MC can teach me how to ignite the passion?

[anne1707]

Who knows... maybe MC can teach me how to ignite the passion?

 

My H was not always the best at expressing himself but when we went through MC, it became very clear just how much he loved me and how passionate those feelings were for me - certainly caused some sparks to fly when we got home . Sometimes it is possible to neglect that side of your relationship because all the routine chores/duties get in the way - MC may well help you find each other again.

[giotto]

NWT... I think you are trying to convince yourself that you should stay and and you are trying to find reasons for this, which is commendable. But the fact that you are still looking for answers on this forum after 4 months tells me that you have run out of options. Have you been to IC? Can't remember... but you need to find this reason inside you.

[NowhereToHide]

NWT... I think you are trying to convince yourself that you should stay and and you are trying to find reasons for this, which is commendable. But the fact that you are still looking for answers on this forum after 4 months tells me that you have run out of options. Have you been to IC? Can't remember... but you need to find this reason inside you.

 

Thanks Giotto.... you're right. I am looking for reasons I can hang onto that staying is the right thing. My kids are my #1 reason of course.

 

I have been in IC for about 10 months. It has been helpful. And my husband and I are starting MC next week. I guess this post was kind of a gut-check of sorts. I want to make sure that I'm not asking for things that I shouldn't be.

 

I AM going to try MC and give it a shot.

 

I know you have settled this within yourself a long time ago. And as I've said before, I'm amazed and impressed with your selflessness and strength. It takes a lot to give up the core of what you need. I am hoping that I, too, can reach that point.

[Devil Inside]

 

OK I looked through Nowhere's prior posts and see she did have an affair. So now she's complaining that there's something wrong with her husband? C'mon give me a break, this is typical blame-shifting by a cheating spouse.

 

While I can see some of your points don't you feel it is presumptuous to just disregard this as simply blame shifting.

 

If you had read most of NTH's posts you would see that not one time has she ever said that the A was ever her H's fault. In fact I have seen her say over and over that it was her fault that it happened. Now if you feel she is shifting the blame of the crumbling marriage onto her H, then that is different. Yet I would still say that it takes two for a M to thrive or fail.

 

Also I have not seen her say something is wrong with her H, she is saying something is wrong with their relationship.

[giotto]

Thanks Giotto.... you're right. I am looking for reasons I can hang onto that staying is the right thing. My kids are my #1 reason of course.

 

I have been in IC for about 10 months. It has been helpful. And my husband and I are starting MC next week. I guess this post was kind of a gut-check of sorts. I want to make sure that I'm not asking for things that I shouldn't be.

 

I AM going to try MC and give it a shot.

 

I know you have settled this within yourself a long time ago. And as I've said before, I'm amazed and impressed with your selflessness and strength. It takes a lot to give up the core of what you need. I am hoping that I, too, can reach that point.

 

I think MC is the right thing to do at this stage. I understand you had to find the motivation inside of you first. It's a logical step in your journey.

 

I don't think I've been selfless or strong... I would call it more being a coward and/or not being able to stand the guilt if I left my children... I was raised a catholic after all...

[micheal020]

What you can expect "from" marriage is, if you've chosen a partner well, what you give "to" marriage. You should expect to give and get respect. You should expect to give and get love. You should expect to give and get support. You should expect to give and get loyalty. You should expect to give and get help.

 

But, you should also expect that, from time to time, the giving and getting won't be in balance--and, if, during the times when you're not "getting," you'll keep "giving" if you think that the marriage is worth keeping.

 

Matrimonial

[mem11363]

Are you on his sexual radar screen? If not, why?

 

 

Sorry - I don't mean to be shallow - I love spending time with my wife. I happily go grocery shopping with her just to be together. Still at core - the physical attraction sure does act as a catalyst for a lot of good emotions for me. I love her personality - we can talk on the phone for long periods etc - still the desire, touch part is a huge amplifier.

 

How did things evolve to get where they are? When did you fall off his radar?

 

For the husbands out there....

 

What are realistic expectations for women to have in a marriage? I've seen a lot of threads centered around wives who have tried communicating to their husbands for years how they are unhappy and how they've been asking for so long for what they need. That would be me.

 

My husband is the kind of guy that is a great father and great provider. And that for the most part sums up what he feels his role is. He makes money, provides for the family, and is a good dad. I am not even on his radar. At all.

 

I, of course, want to be desired and loved. I would love for him to pay attention to me, to think of me as a part of his world rather than a person who takes care of the kids, the cooking, the cleaning, his family, etc. I want him to see me as an individual, the woman he married. It's been so long since he's SEEN me.

 

I am not at all saying that all of our marital problems are his fault. On the contrary, I absolutely have my role in where we have ended up.

 

But for the husbands... what is realistic for a wife to expect from her husband?

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

Any update so far from the OP? This was originally posted and responded to 2 weeks ago...

 

I agree greatly with mem1163's post above. Physical touch, sexual intimacy, kissing, caressing and just holding one another, it makes my world go around. After 17 years, I still long for her next to me!

[soserious1]

What to expect from a husband?

 

well I'm of the mind that if you expect nothing you won't be devastated when he gives you nothing and you'll be pleasantly surprised and happy if he does.