soconfusedreally Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 So, I've finally gone NC since right after NYE. I found out he's already moved on (it has been almost 3 months now). Today is my bday. I got a text from him saying happy birthday. he's sorry he's been a stranger lately. that he's been really busy and we need to get together soon...blah blah blah I tried to do the friend thing as he wanted. However, he's been a worse friend than a bf. So, do I respond to his text? Do I ignore it? I love him and want nothing more than to be with him but I'm so tired of letting him continue to hurt me.
gaudi Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I love him and want nothing more than to be with him but I'm so tired of letting him continue to hurt me. Are you really tired of it ?? Or are you saying that now with the knowledge that you'll go back to him soon even though he will not change. I suspect you know the answer to this one, but in case you don't, I say don't reply. If you're tired of letting him hurt you then stop letting him. It's surely time to put yourself first. It might be hard not replying, but if you do reply, you'll soon realise that's even harder.
Author soconfusedreally Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 I would like to say that I would not go back. But I know I am not there yet. I hope to be one day. At first I kept looking at everything and wishing wondering..."what if"...what if I had done this differently, what could I have done to change things. Now I know that if we were ever to be together in the future, he is the one that has to change, not me. I gave everything I could. I poured everything in to our relationship. He half-assed it at best and then wondered why we weren't "further along than we were". I know I can't carry it all. I used to think I could. But I have learned that if nothing else from our breakup. But I am still going through the stages and want to be better. I want to not break down in tears every time I think of him or get a text. But...I'm not quite there yet. Maybe one day I will be. Until then, I'm learning to deal.
gaudi Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 I've got to be honest, I'm only just getting to the point where I'm beginning to look forward myself. Yesterday was a real bad day for me, I had to get in touch with her, text her, mail her, anything. I don't know what kept me in my NC, but I somehow stayed strong. I also read something (it was either on here or possibly another forum) that seems to have really helped me. No idea if it would work for everyone, but it's done me the world of good today. It was basically a little story about how the love we feel we have now lost, actually came from inside ourselves. We mourn the loss of our SO, but they have now gone, and we feel sorry for ourselves, but we still have love deep inside. If it came from inside us in the first place, then we are capable of more love. Be it with someone else or not. We just have to trigger it. I woke up this morning and wished her well, hope she will get all she wants in the future. But I meant it. And you know what, I hardly dwelled on her at all today, people even remarked in work "you're cheerful today" and "bit more like yourself today". I don't know if this would help anyone else, but it's worked wonders for me.
counterman Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Some do find it liberating when they wish their ex well and maybe say a prayer for him/her. But, for me, I don't find it "free-ing" if you will. Don't allow yourself to be treated like that by your ex or anyone else again. Stick to NC and don't take his bread crumbs. You'll be back to day one of NC if you contact him and it's hurt like hell, like the first day after the break-up. So, be kind to yourself and don't let yourself get hurt again by this guy.
Author soconfusedreally Posted January 22, 2010 Author Posted January 22, 2010 I do pray for him regularly. I know that a lot of what went wrong between is is really about him and his struggles he is having within himself. I pray that whatever happens that he will work that all out and have peace. I know he wants to be a better person, but he chooses not to be. He doesn't think he is strong enough or wants to be the man he always told me he was or was striving to be. I'm sure one day he will get there. Unfortunately, I was there for the struggle and doesn't look like I will benefit from from it. But I do hope one day he gets there. I know I learned a lot from him and our relationship. I just hope he did as well. I can't help but wish things had ended differently and that it isn't too late. But I know as time goes on, little by little...it will be too late. But I can only hope I had some positive influences on him. I know he did on me, despite the pain. I hope it wasn't all for nothing. I hope we both are better people some day for it.
sedgwick Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 It's been said a lot of times on here that the only message to which you should respond is, "I love you, I made a mistake, and I want you back." I think that's great advice. If it's hurting you to be his friend, DON'T!!
Tasha1675 Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 It's been said a lot of times on here that the only message to which you should respond is, "I love you, I made a mistake, and I want you back." I think that's great advice. If it's hurting you to be his friend, DON'T!! I completely agree! It sounds like it is just hurting you having him in your life at the moment. I would not reply to him and just try to get on with your own life as hard as that is, I know. Maybe you guys will be able to be friends eventually (you just don't know what's going to happen) but for now, I think you need to just concentrate on you and your own life. I am in a similar position - I love my ex so much and he ended things 3 months ago. Since then we have been in NC. I have found it so so hard but I didn't know what else to do as we loved each other but he decided we shouldn't be together. He realises friendship isn't possible for now so we are in NC. That said, 2 weeks ago, he emailed my best friend to see how I am. He said he knew he had to let me get on with my own life but he was having a bad time and wanted to check I am OK. He said he hadn't contacted me himself as it would be for his own benefit and he still loves me! All I can think is he was just feeling sorry for himself and that's why he can't contact me directly. That alone made me feel so so sad. To think that 3 months on, he still has these feelings for me, but doesn't want to be with me. So, what I am trying to say is that NC for me, really is the only way to help me heal. The (sort of) contact for me has just bought everything to the surface again so I completely sympathise with you. Try to be strong, time is a great healer
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