t0ri Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 When do couples normally start to have issues appear, such as arguing? Does it mean you're incompatible if it starts very early on, such as within the first 3 months? If you do fight during the early months, is that an indicator it will only get worse?
Lakeside_runner Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I don't think it means you are incompatible of differences in opinion (arguing) appear in the first three months. It all depends on how you as a couple handle it. If you are able to reach a compromise it is ok. I would even risk saying that it is more natural than having this oversweetened phase of being compliant to everything the other party wants or does. So if you both know what you want and are not afraid to express it and are able to discuss things and come up with a solution that is satisfactory to both of you - I think this is a great way to start a mature relationship. Now, if it is arguing about tiny and ridiculous things that leads to nothing - yes, it may mean that you are incompatible and would be better off alone...
Trialbyfire Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 It depends on personality types. My husband and I are both A-type personalities. We started having a few arguments, really early on but they always got resolved quickly. We would either compromise or one or the other would roll over, but not always the same person. Now, over a year later, it's old hat. We don't even argue anymore. More quick discussions that get resolved, with a little back and forth and it's over. This way, no resentments build over time, since we keep resolving each and every irritant or annoyance, as they happen. The best part is that nothing ever gets rehashed. When it's done, it's over. So, are your arguments over the same things? If so, the issues aren't being resolved and need to be handled, to reasonable levels of satisfaction for both of you. If you've rolled over on an issue, DON'T ever bring it up again. If you don't want to compromise or roll over, DON'T do it. If there are outstanding issues where the two of you, no matter how you discuss it, can't be resolved, then they're incompatibilities of needs. Now if they're not needs, you'd better have a darn good reason why you would stick to your guns about them.
OnlyJake Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I think it depends what you're fighting about. Can you be more specific?
carhill Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 One aspect is how a couple defines 'arguing' or 'fighting'. Is every disagreement and argument or fight? Is every difference of opinion contentious? Not? IME, having compatible perspectives regarding conflict is healthy and is something which is better deduced sooner than later, as conflict is a part of life. Also, I noted in my own marriage that, because we waited to have sex for a few months while dating, we had a pretty clear picture of conflict styles as there was no hormones from sex to 'smooth' things over. Looking back, with the experience of time and MC, I can see incompatibilities from that period that I did overlook and which came back to bite us later. We 'fought', in the classic sense, very little, compared to what I've observed with other couples over the years, but, regardless, it's how each person perceives those 'fights' that matters. My stbx's perception is likely markedly different than my own. OP, for example, if you were to say something like "I'm feeling ignored" (for whatever your reasons might be), how would that be received? What has happened or would you anticipate happening? Do you feel you can fight and resolve those disagreements and feel positive about your resolution? Or, is any fight negative, regardless of results? Some questions to ponder, regarding compatibility. Good luck
Lillypetal Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Definitely not your two separate people who in such a short space of time, have to accept difference of opinion and work around it. Arguing is healthy and has made my relationship stronger. It of course depends of what your arguing about. But if its petty things or annoying traits and habits than i would say it normal.
Jesper Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I think it depends not only on how you fight, but on why you fight.
New Again Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I agree with what everyone has said so far. I had one relationship where the fighting started very early on in the relationship, and it only got worse; the issue wasn't so much the fact that we were fighting as it was how we were fighting and what we were fighting over. In my last relationship the only fights we had EVER (we didn't even bicker) had were over big issues (not very often), and what was important in that relationship was how we communicated about our issues; again, not the fact that we were fighting.
Author t0ri Posted January 22, 2010 Author Posted January 22, 2010 The times we have fought, he makes sure we talk it all out and resolve it right then and there, which I've realized is pretty awesome. Trialbyfire, I see that you're right! Resolving the issue asap avoids later resentment, which failed to happen in my last (and only) long term relationship. Lakeside, you're right. What matters is how we handle these fights, and we do, as a couple, handle our fights pretty well. Compromising, or "rolling over," as said, always happens, and we haven't fought about one issue more than once. They're resolved quickly. Carhill, if I were to express my feelings or say something like, "I feel I'm being ignored," he'd definitely be respectful of my feelings and talk it out with me. I was just worried this may mean we'll fight our entire relationship, but Trial's story and these responses made me feel better! Thanks!
hoping2heal Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 When do couples normally start to have issues appear, such as arguing? Does it mean you're incompatible if it starts very early on, such as within the first 3 months? If you do fight during the early months, is that an indicator it will only get worse? Hmm not in my case. I would say issues and fighting started within 3 months. I caused 2 months worth of absolute HELL for our relationship in the begining. That said; we worked out SO much and had been through SO much it actually built and strenghtened our relationship instead of pile driving it. Now a year later? Ahh pure bliss .
carolinawanderer Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Hmm not in my case. I would say issues and fighting started within 3 months. I caused 2 months worth of absolute HELL for our relationship in the begining. That said; we worked out SO much and had been through SO much it actually built and strenghtened our relationship instead of pile driving it. Now a year later? Ahh pure bliss . I like hearing stories like this. It makes me think that true love is something that nothing can really destroy. I think back to disputes my ex and I have - many of which were caused by me - thinking they were the undoing of our relationship...but I see what other couples deal with, and stay together, and I kind of realize the disputes may have just accelerated the inevitable... Fighting in relationships is a testament to the true uniqueness of the individual...any long-term relationship is about building a life together, and when you spend SO much time with another person and connect on SO many levels, you will have differences, you will have things that annoy you. But if there is true love and real bonding going on, the couple will work through all that. My answer to the OP's question would be no...my ex and I hardly ever fought for over a year into our relationship. Once we started clashing on things, it was over with quickly.
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