Is he playing me or testing me?

[soulm8]

I met a widowed father on a dating site and we emailed for about a week before meeting for the first time in October. We had dinner and then some drinks at a pub because neither of us wanted to end the date. We're both somewhat shy and cautious due to past experiences. He told me I was his first date since his wife died (of natural causes - no he's not a killer). We ended up talking til 7am at my place. We fell asleep cuddled up after a few kisses and woke up a few hours later. He took me out for breakfast, then he wanted to show me a local fishing spot he enjoys and then we fed ducks at a pond. We couldn't believe how comfortable and natural we both felt and just went with the flow, holding hands, kissing... just enjoying the beautiful day together. We returned to my place and talked more until he went home around 9pm. Long first date... but time stood still.

 

Over the next few weeks, we spoke on the phone for hours, he dropped off flowers at my door before I got home from work, and he was coming by almost daily. We were emailing too... we just couldn't seem to NOT talk. It was all so overwhelming and lovely. We were sleep deprived pretty bad because we'd talk and cuddle until we couldn't stay awake any longer. He ended up being suspended from work for about 5 days because he slept in one morning of an important meeting.

 

We were "in a relationship with each other" on Facebook and he introduced me to his brother and son, and my kids absolutely loved him. Most nights he'd end up staying over and we made out in pajamas until I couldn't stand it any longer and came to bed nude. We continued dancing around subjects like marriage and having more children together, all instigated by him I might add. Not that I wasn't having those thoughts, but it just seemed so soon to be talking about such things. I mentioned a few times how it was concerning to me that he was leaving his teenaged daughter and son alone overnight so often and that we should spend some nights at his place since my son and daughter are with their father every other week (I have joint custody).

 

Once he was back into his work schedule, which is fairly long hours, I saw and heard from him less and he was coming by maybe once or twice a week. I was worried that I'd been played but did my best not to get overly insecure over it. He had to work out of town one weekend and during his last call to me, he told me he was on his way back and would call when he was home. I waited for his call and got worried because he sounded really tired. I couldn't help but think he'd been in an accident. I emailed him before going to bed and explained that his not calling worried me. He called me in the morning and told me he got home past midnight due to a problem with work. I accepted this but also told him that I don't care what time it is - if he says he'll call, he needs to call because I'd do the same out of respect. Shortly after that, I found a note at my door from him, basically saying that he's scared to death of me because we're so perfect together and he could so easily start all over with me. He explained he needed time and that he was sorry. It was worded strangely though, as if he was breaking up with me but didn't want to. I gave him his space and cried my eyes out. A few days later he couldn't stand it, apologized for the misunderstanding and had to see me again. :S

 

Things continued for a few more weeks and then he had to go out of town again. He said he'd call when he was back so he could see my kids before they returned to their father's place for the week. My kids adore him and constantly ask if and when he's coming over. A few days after he was expected back and no word whatsoever from him, I tried reaching him but couldn't. I left a message and then a few days later I emailed him to let him know I missed him and was worried. The entire week went by without a word, so I decided to go to his place. He'd mentioned a few times that he wished I'd come to his place more often so I thought I'd surprise him. I brought a bag of his stuff (toothbrush, etc) to give to him if I didn't like his explanation, as I knew he was back.

 

His daughter answered the door and when I asked her when her father would be home, she told me he was working late that night. She looked very nervous. I said ok and went back to my car to retrieve the bag and when I got back to the door, it opened and there was a woman standing there. She invited me in. Apparently, she'd been having a long distance relationship with him for the past couple of years. She was sure he had sent me there to set her up because they'd had an argument! :S She told me they met through work and that she loved him. She'd come to spend the holidays with him. I told her I'd been seeing him for about 2 months, was fed up with his hot and cold behaviour and was here to break up with him. She was devestated and planned to go home the next day, but wanted me to stay so we could confront him. I decided to stay because I needed to see his face. She told me that he'd told her I was a friend from high school he'd had a one night stand with. She pointed out a rose he'd given her the other evening and just kept going on about how devestated she was. I felt bad for her. She's 51, he's 42 and I'm almost 38. She seemed rather insecure and kept telling me how pretty, beautiful and alarmingly calm I am. I explained that I felt for her and that I'd come to break up so I was past the hurt of the situation.

 

He pulled up and she told me to hide so I did. He came in and they said their hellos and she motioned for me to come out. I walked into the kitchen and he looked like he'd seen a ghost. Completely guilty, all he could say was, "So, what do you guys want to do?" She said, "She doesn't want you and I'm going home tomorrow." He asked me what I wanted to do, and I told him, "I brought your stuff back, and I'm going home now. How could you lie through your teeth to both of us like that?" He had no answer. I told him he was very cold and cruel, and left.

 

The next day he sent me an email apologizing and telling me I'm the nicest person he's ever met. A few weeks went by of him emailing me. I wanted to ignore him, but I couldn't! I love him. I kept my cool and just replied to him as a friend. I dated a few guys but they only made me miss him. Just before Christmas I told him I missed him and wanted to hang out so we could talk about everything. He came over and told me he had no explanation for being such an a$$. He said she was a good friend who wouldn't move here so he met me on the website and he couldn't believe how easy it'd be to start over. Long story short, we started seeing each other again and things were going so much better than before.

 

He's been talking about how I've made him wake up and he sees the future with me, etc. As I mentioned, he works long hours and sometimes when he gets home he's so tired he'll eat and then fall asleep. The last few days, he got home between 9 and 10 and couldn't make it to my place. I was really missing him, so I decided to surprise him last night by showing up at his place. At 9pm he told me he was still at work but trying to get it wrapped up so he could see me. By 10:15 I decided to go to his place because I was certain he'd be exhausted and wouldn't come over that late. I pull up and his car is in the driveway. I went to the door and knocked but no one answered. I think ok, perhaps the kids are in bed and maybe he's asleep? I call him but he didn't answer his phone. I hear it ringing and it stopped when it went to voicemail and I can hear footsteps in the house. I call again. No answer. :S I knock. No answer. He's told me a few times that he doesn't lock the door and I can come in any time, so I decide to try the door even though it feels very uncomfortable. I look in and there he is peeking at me from down the hall with a very weird look on his face. I asked him, "What are you doing? Why aren't you answering your phone?" He answered, "I knew it was just a matter of time before you'd come in." I asked him what that's supposed to mean and ask again, "Why didn't you answer your phone or the door?" He said, "I saw your truck, I knew it was you - you know you can just come in." He still has a weird look on his face but motions for me to come in. I'm really confused, feeling hurt and unwelcome so I said, "What kind of games are you playing?" and left.

 

I get a few blocks away and decide to go back - we need to talk. I get back and the door is locked!! I knock. No answer. I call. No answer. I leave and go home. An email from him is sitting in my inbox saying that that was quite the performance... he'd just gotten home and his daughter said there's a truck here, he knew it was me and was waiting for me to come in. :S He says it was a big mistake to leave mad. Then he ends the email calling me a "nut or what"

 

Before going to bed, I replied, "That was mean. What did I ever do to you to deserve that?"

 

I'm so confused.

Edited January 21, 2010 by soulm8

[boogieboy]

Youre not confused, you just dont want to let him go.

 

Well thats up to you, you know what you should do, but you dont want to do it.

 

No one here is going to tell you that you should continue to get lied to by this guy because you cant resist him, so I hope thats not what youre looking for.

[soulm8]

Thanks boogieboy. You're right. I needed to get it out and was hoping I was wrong somehow.

[superchick]

I had to register to reply to this particular post .

 

I think his and your behaviors are way out of line for only three months of dating.

 

His:

-visiting you daily

-talking about marriage and children

-creating false feeling of intimacy

 

Yours:

-calling him after he didn't call when he said he would

-stopping by his house unannounced

-acting nuts

 

Guys tend to do that. They mistake infatuation with love but that does not last. They burn out after some time especially when they have other things to do. He started to change, wasn't acting lovey-dovey and you figured that he doesn't want to be with you anymore. Instead of giving him space to work on his stuff, you pursued him. Calling, emailing, visiting his house was pursuing on your part. Men need time to be on their own from time to time to deal with their problems.

Then you found out that he was dating someone else... so what? Did you agree on dating exclusively? If not, then he had every right to date other women and you had the right to date other men. I know it sucks but that's the reality.

 

Now, about you acting nuts... Girl, you don't come to your date's house unannounced even if he tells you that his door is open for you. Not at three months, six months, twelve months... even if he gives you the key to his place, you call him and tell him that you plan on coming over - proper etiquette is a must. Otherwise you become a stalker and get a restraining order.

 

I'm a girl and I've been dating a guy since October as well. Neither of us has children so one might think that we have plenty of opportunities to spend time with each other but it's not the case at all. We see each other twice a week (weekday and weekend day), talk on the phone once or twice a week for no longer than 15 minutes with some texting in-between. If he doesn't call me when he says he will then I wait until he does, it can be the next day but I still wait, and he eventually does. I don't moan and cry and ask him why he didn't call me... I know that he's busy and that he needs some space to breathe... I let him have this space and he ALWAYS comes back. There was one week when our communication ceased - he didn't call me, he sent me superficial text messages and didn't ask me out. I didn't pursue him at all, I gave him some space to work on his problems. I was sad but I knew it was the best thing I could do at that moment. He CAME BACK. Thought things over, explained himself, wanted to see me again.

 

See, what begins fast ends fast. Slower is better. Cook Italian sauce for longer, the better taste it will have. Same for relationships.

 

Good luck to you. I would advise to stop contacting him. He has to think things over and see if he wants to pursue a relationship with you. If he does, I'm sure he is going to call you. If he doesn't then you have to move on. While he does this you need to concentrate on other things in your life (I know, it's hard). Go out, find other men to date and who knows maybe there is someone out there who is as good as your previous guy. Just remember to take things slow. Only then you can start thinking with your head not your emotions.

[SoulSearch_CO]

Um. All I can say is guys don't generally like women stopping by unannounced. It's like you're trying to catch him at something. But especially after you already DID catch him at something, I can't believe you took him back. He's scum for playing two women at once. But I think you're a bit of a handful.

[torranceshipman]

He is a complete freak. The easy and only solution:

 

1. email back saying 'you are a freak: it's obvious you are playing around with other women and lying to me: so leave me alone as I don't like skanks'

2. Ignore all subsequent contact

3. feel bad for his daughter (poor girl, God only knows the crap she is asked to hide to cover for her skanky dad)

 

You weren't acting nuts, he was. But if you continue to try and have something with this guy (taking him back the first time was stupid!), you really are nuts.

[torranceshipman]

If he doesn't call me when he says he will then I wait until he does, it can be the next day but I still wait, and he eventually does. I don't moan and cry and ask him why he didn't call me... I know that he's busy and that he needs some space to breathe... I let him have this space and he ALWAYS comes back. There was one week when our communication ceased - he didn't call me, he sent me superficial text messages and didn't ask me out. I didn't pursue him at all, I gave him some space to work on his problems. I was sad but I knew it was the best thing I could do at that moment. He CAME BACK. Thought things over, explained himself, wanted to see me again.

QUOTE]

 

That isnt cool. If a guy cant be bothered to respect you enough to call you when he says he will, or spends a week without making ANY effort, then he isnt worth it. Why be a doormat? Call him on it, demand some respect, or be ready to cut him loose - else you totally risk being the back up girl or the 'dating her til I get a better offer' girl. A gentleman isn't going to pull that kind of crap but a player is...

[soulm8]

Instead of giving him space to work on his stuff, you pursued him. Calling, emailing, visiting his house was pursuing on your part. Men need time to be on their own from time to time to deal with their problems.

 

Girl, you don't come to your date's house unannounced even if he tells you that his door is open for you. Not at three months, six months, twelve months... even if he gives you the key to his place, you call him and tell him that you plan on coming over - proper etiquette is a must. Otherwise you become a stalker and get a restraining order.

 

Thanks for registering to reply; I appreciate that. I always gave this guy tons of space and NEVER pursued him. I return phone calls and emails unless there is something I really need to ask him. He has repeatedly told me since I've known him that I DON'T pursue him enough! I simply tell him that I don't chase men. The few times I have thought he was too distant and out of contact, I assumed it was over and dated others. He'd stay in contact and as soon as I'd mention I was dating (or he even found my profile and bugged me about it; kinda teased me that I change my boys fast - how cold, etc.)... he wanted to see me again. I could see through it and I'm a fool for letting him play me, but it just felt SO GOOD being around him... he was like a drug to me and damned irresistible.

 

I have always insisted on being invited; I do not appear unannounced. I do have proper etiquette and that is what made me look nuts the other night. Because I COULDN'T just walk in like he wanted me to... I kept calling his phone and the fact that his car was home, I could hear footsteps inside, he wouldn't answer his phone or the door made me wonder WTF?? I should have just gone home, but it's a 20 min drive AND I thought that if by chance he WAS asleep... he'd be sad he missed me because I didn't have the balls to just walk in like he's told me to. What a messed up night!

 

Me a stalker? Anyone who knows me would laugh their a$$ off at that.

 

I think you're a bit of a handful.

 

Why? Because I respect myself enough to demand truth in the people I love and *****? Sure, I've been called a firecracker and feisty... but I balance it all very well.

 

You weren't acting nuts, he was. But if you continue to try and have something with this guy (taking him back the first time was stupid!), you really are nuts.

 

Thank you torranceshipman! That's what I was seeking here and needed to hear. It's hard to believe a person could be so dishonest and cruel to someone they claim to love, especially when you want to believe them.

 

If a guy cant be bothered to respect you enough to call you when he says he will, or spends a week without making ANY effort, then he isnt worth it. Why be a doormat? Call him on it, demand some respect, or be ready to cut him loose - else you totally risk being the back up girl or the 'dating her til I get a better offer' girl. A gentleman isn't going to pull that kind of crap but a player is...

 

I couldn't agree with you more on that. When I first jumped back into the dating pool after I divorced my husband, I read pretty much all the ebooks out there... even subscribed to Deangelo wow... but... you have to do what's right for you. There are no rules for everyone to follow. We're all unique with our own needs and desires and preferences... it's up to you to communicate what you want and need in your life.

[torranceshipman]

You sound like a nice, balanced person...just keep away from the stupid guy, bail at the first red flag you see in any new dating situation, make sure you know your boundaries and never bend them, and I bet you will meet someone lovely soon

[soulm8]

Thank you so much!

[SoulSearch_CO]

Why? Because I respect myself enough to demand truth in the people I love and *****? Sure, I've been called a firecracker and feisty... but I balance it all very well.

I'm not going to argue with you. But in my PERSONAL opinion (yes - I'm entitled to them, too, and because you posted in a PUBLIC forum, I'm entitled to share my opinion just as you share yours) - what you did was jacked. It came across very creepy to me to just drop by some guy's house because you knew he wasn't going to come over to your place or call. And then on top of it, to call his house while you're there - you can hear it ringing inside - knowing full well that he's there and does not want to see you - you WALK INTO HIS HOUSE?? How in the world did you imagine that was going to turn out any other way than super-creepy? Which is EXACTLY what happened. If you KNEW he was a jerk, why did you have to go to those lengths? And then on top of it, you leave and COME BACK and try the doorknob again??

 

I don't think it looks like respecting yourself at all. I think it looks desperate and smells of bunny boiler.

 

You're not going to like everybody's opinions because not everybody thinks like you do. And being on the 'net, you will find a WIDE range of opinions. And on top of that, I don't know you from Adam's housecat, so have no desire to placate you or inflate your ego with BS by telling you what a good job you did. I have an opinion, I shared it. I'm sure you won't like it. But at least I was honest.

[soulm8]

what you did was jacked. It came across very creepy to me to just drop by some guy's house because you knew he wasn't going to come over to your place or call. And then on top of it, to call his house while you're there - you can hear it ringing inside - knowing full well that he's there and does not want to see you - you WALK INTO HIS HOUSE??

 

I don't think it looks like respecting yourself at all. I think it looks desperate and smells of bunny boiler.

 

Well, thank you for sharing your opinion - that is why I posted. I'm not here to argue... I wanted opinions to see how the events looked to outsiders. I was afraid that how I reacted could be perceived as creepy, so you confirmed that for me.

 

This was not just some guy however. We were supposedly in a relationship and he stated more than a few times that he wanted me to come over and that the door is open to me. I haven't heard from him since so it is what it is... and I'm moving on.

[meerkat stew]

Sounds like you have gotten some good advice, and you should definitely write this guy off and move forward. Am actually amazed you still wanted him after the confrontation with the other woman at his house.

 

Next time consider cutting early dates off after 2-4 hours until you genuinely begin to know the person after quite a bit of dating. Sometimes when we meet someone, and there's a click, it breeds a false sense of intimacy, and we let our guards down way before we should. Consider curtailing all night makeout and cuddle sessions going forward. There's plenty of time for that after your are dating exclusively and some trust is in place.

[hoping2heal]

I met a widowed father on a dating site and we emailed for about a week before meeting for the first time in October. We had dinner and then some drinks at a pub because neither of us wanted to end the date. We're both somewhat shy and cautious due to past experiences. He told me I was his first date since his wife died (of natural causes - no he's not a killer). We ended up talking til 7am at my place. We fell asleep cuddled up after a few kisses and woke up a few hours later. He took me out for breakfast, then he wanted to show me a local fishing spot he enjoys and then we fed ducks at a pond. We couldn't believe how comfortable and natural we both felt and just went with the flow, holding hands, kissing... just enjoying the beautiful day together. We returned to my place and talked more until he went home around 9pm. Long first date... but time stood still.

 

Over the next few weeks, we spoke on the phone for hours, he dropped off flowers at my door before I got home from work, and he was coming by almost daily. We were emailing too... we just couldn't seem to NOT talk. It was all so overwhelming and lovely. We were sleep deprived pretty bad because we'd talk and cuddle until we couldn't stay awake any longer. He ended up being suspended from work for about 5 days because he slept in one morning of an important meeting.

 

We were "in a relationship with each other" on Facebook and he introduced me to his brother and son, and my kids absolutely loved him. Most nights he'd end up staying over and we made out in pajamas until I couldn't stand it any longer and came to bed nude. We continued dancing around subjects like marriage and having more children together, all instigated by him I might add. Not that I wasn't having those thoughts, but it just seemed so soon to be talking about such things. I mentioned a few times how it was concerning to me that he was leaving his teenaged daughter and son alone overnight so often and that we should spend some nights at his place since my son and daughter are with their father every other week (I have joint custody).

 

Once he was back into his work schedule, which is fairly long hours, I saw and heard from him less and he was coming by maybe once or twice a week. I was worried that I'd been played but did my best not to get overly insecure over it. He had to work out of town one weekend and during his last call to me, he told me he was on his way back and would call when he was home. I waited for his call and got worried because he sounded really tired. I couldn't help but think he'd been in an accident. I emailed him before going to bed and explained that his not calling worried me. He called me in the morning and told me he got home past midnight due to a problem with work. I accepted this but also told him that I don't care what time it is - if he says he'll call, he needs to call because I'd do the same out of respect. Shortly after that, I found a note at my door from him, basically saying that he's scared to death of me because we're so perfect together and he could so easily start all over with me. He explained he needed time and that he was sorry. It was worded strangely though, as if he was breaking up with me but didn't want to. I gave him his space and cried my eyes out. A few days later he couldn't stand it, apologized for the misunderstanding and had to see me again. :S

 

Things continued for a few more weeks and then he had to go out of town again. He said he'd call when he was back so he could see my kids before they returned to their father's place for the week. My kids adore him and constantly ask if and when he's coming over. A few days after he was expected back and no word whatsoever from him, I tried reaching him but couldn't. I left a message and then a few days later I emailed him to let him know I missed him and was worried. The entire week went by without a word, so I decided to go to his place. He'd mentioned a few times that he wished I'd come to his place more often so I thought I'd surprise him. I brought a bag of his stuff (toothbrush, etc) to give to him if I didn't like his explanation, as I knew he was back.

 

His daughter answered the door and when I asked her when her father would be home, she told me he was working late that night. She looked very nervous. I said ok and went back to my car to retrieve the bag and when I got back to the door, it opened and there was a woman standing there. She invited me in. Apparently, she'd been having a long distance relationship with him for the past couple of years. She was sure he had sent me there to set her up because they'd had an argument! :S She told me they met through work and that she loved him. She'd come to spend the holidays with him. I told her I'd been seeing him for about 2 months, was fed up with his hot and cold behaviour and was here to break up with him. She was devestated and planned to go home the next day, but wanted me to stay so we could confront him. I decided to stay because I needed to see his face. She told me that he'd told her I was a friend from high school he'd had a one night stand with. She pointed out a rose he'd given her the other evening and just kept going on about how devestated she was. I felt bad for her. She's 51, he's 42 and I'm almost 38. She seemed rather insecure and kept telling me how pretty, beautiful and alarmingly calm I am. I explained that I felt for her and that I'd come to break up so I was past the hurt of the situation.

 

He pulled up and she told me to hide so I did. He came in and they said their hellos and she motioned for me to come out. I walked into the kitchen and he looked like he'd seen a ghost. Completely guilty, all he could say was, "So, what do you guys want to do?" She said, "She doesn't want you and I'm going home tomorrow." He asked me what I wanted to do, and I told him, "I brought your stuff back, and I'm going home now. How could you lie through your teeth to both of us like that?" He had no answer. I told him he was very cold and cruel, and left.

 

The next day he sent me an email apologizing and telling me I'm the nicest person he's ever met. A few weeks went by of him emailing me. I wanted to ignore him, but I couldn't! I love him. I kept my cool and just replied to him as a friend. I dated a few guys but they only made me miss him. Just before Christmas I told him I missed him and wanted to hang out so we could talk about everything. He came over and told me he had no explanation for being such an a$$. He said she was a good friend who wouldn't move here so he met me on the website and he couldn't believe how easy it'd be to start over. Long story short, we started seeing each other again and things were going so much better than before.

 

He's been talking about how I've made him wake up and he sees the future with me, etc. As I mentioned, he works long hours and sometimes when he gets home he's so tired he'll eat and then fall asleep. The last few days, he got home between 9 and 10 and couldn't make it to my place. I was really missing him, so I decided to surprise him last night by showing up at his place. At 9pm he told me he was still at work but trying to get it wrapped up so he could see me. By 10:15 I decided to go to his place because I was certain he'd be exhausted and wouldn't come over that late. I pull up and his car is in the driveway. I went to the door and knocked but no one answered. I think ok, perhaps the kids are in bed and maybe he's asleep? I call him but he didn't answer his phone. I hear it ringing and it stopped when it went to voicemail and I can hear footsteps in the house. I call again. No answer. :S I knock. No answer. He's told me a few times that he doesn't lock the door and I can come in any time, so I decide to try the door even though it feels very uncomfortable. I look in and there he is peeking at me from down the hall with a very weird look on his face. I asked him, "What are you doing? Why aren't you answering your phone?" He answered, "I knew it was just a matter of time before you'd come in." I asked him what that's supposed to mean and ask again, "Why didn't you answer your phone or the door?" He said, "I saw your truck, I knew it was you - you know you can just come in." He still has a weird look on his face but motions for me to come in. I'm really confused, feeling hurt and unwelcome so I said, "What kind of games are you playing?" and left.

 

I get a few blocks away and decide to go back - we need to talk. I get back and the door is locked!! I knock. No answer. I call. No answer. I leave and go home. An email from him is sitting in my inbox saying that that was quite the performance... he'd just gotten home and his daughter said there's a truck here, he knew it was me and was waiting for me to come in. :S He says it was a big mistake to leave mad. Then he ends the email calling me a "nut or what"

 

Before going to bed, I replied, "That was mean. What did I ever do to you to deserve that?"

 

I'm so confused.

 

I agree 100% with another poster, you just don't want to let him go. This guy is not who you think he is. He had an LDR with another woman for years, and lied to you both. You are allowing your daughter to believe in a man who is very harmful to you both. This guy acts very cryptic and shady and do I think you are getting played? Well duh, wasn't it obvious? How many excuses for his balogne are you going to make?

[soulm8]

Am actually amazed you still wanted him after the confrontation with the other woman at his house.

 

He is obviously a polished player using his "shyness" and the fact that he's a widower to his advantage. The sex was awesome too Trust me... lesson learned and he was my first player, which at 38 isn't bad. I can usally sniff 'em out pretty easily! Good advice though, thanx

 

This guy is not who you think he is. You are allowing your daughter to believe in a man who is very harmful to you both. This guy acts very cryptic and shady

 

Absolutely agreed!

 

I was a bit wishy washy on how to proceed... continue to see him for no strings (which is SO NOT who I am) or see if he has any explanation and conscience. Nope nada.

 

At 10:30pm on my birthday, he wishes me a happy bday on msn and tells me that he was on his way after work to see me, but thought I'd freak out so he just drove by. What a manipulative sack of shyte.

 

He tried to competely avoid anything to do with last week's drama, but was sure to point out that I'm the nicest woman he's ever met and the best lover he's ever had. Whoooopi! I got alot off my chest that evening and haven't heard a word since.

 

So... yes, I can proceed with NC now. I'm too good for such an inconsiderate, selfish boy.

[soulm8]

Just thought I'd update this since it was such a negative, confusing and painful thread.

 

He WAS testing me... we've been back together since mid Feb, and I couldn't be much happier unless we lived together.

 

What a journey to get here... but completely worth it. You really do have to trust your gut instincts, step back and live your life, and listen to your heart.

 

I realize some of you will think I'm a fool, however, I suspected all along that I was being tested... it's society and gender roles, as well as online advice and insecurity that made it look like I was being played.

 

I just re-read the original post and thought I'd add that the older woman was stalking him... trying to force a relationship, and filling my head with **** that evening. I've since learned the truth about her directly from his Mom.

Edited March 31, 2010 by soulm8

[holakitty]

What the heck, this is bizarre. He was testing you?!?! I've never heard of such a thing in my life.

 

Testing you for what? To make sure you were "good enough" to be with him?

 

You are okay being with someone who had to first "test you" to make sure you passed some sort of manufactured requirements? All the while leaving you out of the loop of this "testing" being done?

 

Please explain further, because I'm baffled.

[boogieboy]

If the other woman was in his house, and he didnt answer the door because she was there, she wasnt stalking him.

 

Im sorry you still fell for his lies of "testing", but you will find out the hard way after a while that he will do it again...and he'll get away with it.

[marsle85]

Firstly, Soulm8 - I am SO sorry! This sounds like a terrible situation, and i'm shocked this even happens. It seems so obtuse, inconsiderate and cruel. I know you really care about this guy, but the truth is- I don't know how anyone could ever move on from this. You would never truly be comfortable, or trust this man again. His behavior again and again is shady.

 

There is no confusion. It just sucks, it hurts, and it's not easy.

 

You deserve so, so much better... and you know that. I think the entire beginning of the relationship was this whirlwind romance for you, and it blinded you to his real character. I've noticed men often want to jump into this hurried physical/emotional bliss- and it does catch up with them, and it does reflect on you. I partly believe his note about getting scared- but the point is... you deserve someone who KNOWS "this person is RIGHT for me, and i'd be CRAZY to let them out of my sight".

 

There is no advice for me to give you other than to move on. He is NOT good for you, this will not move into a trusting, honest relationship ever. More importantly, you would never do this.

 

It doesn't take a very special person to realize how cruel it was, which leaves him in the other tail of the distribution - those who accept this behavior.

 

No. Way.

 

I'm sorry again, I hope you can move on- I'd suggest cutting all contact off with him. Because really? The behavior he has shown does not reflect just a few bad choices: they reflect HIM as an individual. And when it comes down to it- an individual like that doesn't deserve to be your lover, or your friend. Period.

 

Goodluck Soulm8.

[soulm8]

Testing you for what? To make sure you were "good enough" to be with him? You are okay being with someone who had to first "test you" to make sure you passed some sort of manufactured requirements? All the while leaving you out of the loop of this "testing" being done? Please explain further, because I'm baffled.

 

Precisely why I was so confused and seeking advice back in January. Men don't test women according to online resources. Bullshyte! Check out this thread --> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t222634/

 

I went through these tests maintaining my dignity and self respect... asserting my feelings, etc... all the while being prepared each step of the way to dust myself off and walk away like a woman.

 

When you really love someone and think they're who you've wanted to find your entire life... you'd be amazed at how patient you can be. I know I'm coming across as sounding like a crazy lady, but I don't care. Have you ever met someone who you almost instantly felt was your soulmate? Someone who you wouldn't be SETTLING for whatsoever... in ANY department? That's what I found and I knew it in my heart and soul.

 

His wife passed away 3 years ago... and he's NEVER had a faithful partner. I struck him as too good to be true... I scared the crap out of him and made him wonder if I was a fake. By testing me and trying to make me upset, he could see how I react in situations. He's admitted this to me... this isn't me in lala land, flapping my gums. I'm smarter than that, and I simply want to share my story so that anyone else experiencing anything similar may see that "players" aren't necessarily players... sometimes you really have to sit back and analyze everything, including the hints they give you that they actually AREN'T players. Insecurity and self doubt riddles so many people especially in the early stages of a relationship.

 

You must keep in mind that I was willing to (and did countless times) WALK AWAY from this man. HE pursued ME. I suppose I'm okay with the fact because looking back on it all, I can totally see the tests for what they were.

 

I don't expect anyone to understand - you are not here in our shoes. We both have been betrayed by love in our past... both of us are skeptics when it comes to finding the One.

 

If the other woman was in his house, and he didnt answer the door because she was there, she wasnt stalking him. Im sorry you still fell for his lies of "testing", but you will find out the hard way after a while that he will do it again...and he'll get away with it.

 

Yes, she was stalking him and I was here experiencing it all... you only have my words to go by and have confused a few of the situations. The woman answered his door in November. The time he wouldn't answer his door was in January... and he still feels bad for how that evening went down. Women he's dealt with in the past have been drama queens who sucked the blood out of him. He's told me all along that I need not knock; just walk in. When he let me in, I was consumed with insecurity and he was worried that he'd have to deal with that all night, so it was better to "let" me go home... because he still wasn't sure who I was and what makes me tick.

 

I'll be sure to update with the lies I come up against.

 

You deserve so, so much better... and you know that. I think the entire beginning of the relationship was this whirlwind romance for you, and it blinded you to his real character. I've noticed men often want to jump into this hurried physical/emotional bliss- and it does catch up with them, and it does reflect on you. I partly believe his note about getting scared- but the point is... you deserve someone who KNOWS "this person is RIGHT for me, and i'd be CRAZY to let them out of my sight.

 

You are so sweet and I really appreciate the concern and where you're coming from. I know it sounds like I've been a victim, I get that... however, everything has been resolved, explained, hashed out, etc. I was never a doormat, never dumb... I just followed my heart and patiently waited for the man of my dreams to realize and accept that he'd met his match. I never chased him... I sure as hell wanted to! I have more self respect than that and now, I'm thoroughly enjoying a beautiful relationship with a very sensitive, caring, commited and serious man... who just happens to have every single quality I want in a mate. I would never give chances to someone I didn't deem so right for me on so many levels.

 

Again, I don't expect understanding or well wishes. It's a complicated story.