OmegaSol Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 All my serious relationships seem to end in the same way and I'm confused about the whole matter. I've always been someone who pursues bettering myself, I go to college, workout hard at the gym, try to better my mind and my actions and correct my faults. I treat women with the upmost respect but I'm far from a boring person and enjoy many things. But all my serious long term relationships start and end the same. I meet someone who is surprised by how I am and how someone like me exists or whatever, I'm not just another jerk. We get into a relationship and it ends sometime later with the girl saying "she doesn't think she can be as good as I deserve and doesn't want to bring me down" or some form of that statement. Now I'm not full of myself, far from it. I just am how I am because I do have strong relational goals. But every girl I meet wants a guy who has goals and pursues it and this and that, but it seems once they get it they back away in fear. It's confusing, I see guys who are jerks to their girlfriends, don't care about their appearance or their future and they keep these girls around. I try to do all these things wanting to be good for someone but it blows up in my face... The only thing I can attribute it to is age and maturity, but I'm 24 now and I'm looking for someone to be ready for the long haul.
sedgwick Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 At 24, I'd say just DATE! I got married at 24 and it was WAY too young. Probably the biggest reason these girls are freaking out on you is that they're still very immature. I know I was! Now, at 38, I'd LOVE to have a guy who's as driven as I am! It's tough to find. My ex was, but I wasn't good enough for him. It would be amazing to find someone for whom I was good enough, who also had goals! Hang in there, it'll happen if you let it. You will change MASSIVELY between 24 and, say, 30! There's no rush. (Also, it's "utmost," not "upmost." Don't kill me.)
Author OmegaSol Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 I understand. I mean this is coming from a single guy to an more matured lady so it's difficult to see things in a different light. I would just like to meet someone my age who is mature and ready. I can't be the only one.
carhill Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I understand. I mean this is coming from a single guy to an more matured lady so it's difficult to see things in a different light. I would just like to meet someone my age who is mature and ready. I can't be the only one. OP, when women tell you they're not worthy of you (or similar verbiage), accept that, no matter its impetus. The classic error is to try and figure them out. Fruitless. Accept and continue. By accepting their words and actions, it leaves you open and cleansed for the woman who does feel worthy of and appreciative of the type of man you are. Another thing to consider is, if you consistently find yourself dating women who do/say things like in your OP, take a look at what some here on LS call your 'people picker'. Why are you choosing to pursue such women?
Ilovecake Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 It's hard to say not knowing you or the people you're talking about but maybe there are things you say and do that you don't even realize you’re doing that belittle the women you’re with. Usually if someone is experiencing a recurring pattern in relationships like that they should first and foremost look within.
Author OmegaSol Posted January 22, 2010 Author Posted January 22, 2010 Another thing to consider is, if you consistently find yourself dating women who do/say things like in your OP, take a look at what some here on LS call your 'people picker'. Why are you choosing to pursue such women? Well I choose people who I believe are right and know what they want. I am certainly not looking for this trait in people it's just something that comes up over time. Sometimes later rather than sooner. But basically it just seems like the people I end up with say they want a "good guy" who does this, this and this. And after a while after having that they decide they don't want that anymore. Not really sure what point I'm trying to make here. Just understanding I guess.
bananaboat11 Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 At 24, I'd say just DATE! I got married at 24 and it was WAY too young. Probably the biggest reason these girls are freaking out on you is that they're still very immature. I know I was! Now, at 38, I'd LOVE to have a guy who's as driven as I am! It's tough to find. My ex was, but I wasn't good enough for him. It would be amazing to find someone for whom I was good enough, who also had goals! Hang in there, it'll happen if you let it. You will change MASSIVELY between 24 and, say, 30! There's no rush. (Also, it's "utmost," not "upmost." Don't kill me.) The Italicized, Bolded, underlined above is SOOOO FREAKING TRUE. I'm 25.. like hell I'm marrying a girl my age. They're all... girls. I want a beautiful, intelligent woman. Not a girl. Girls are yuck. Women are... yummy.
carhill Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Well I choose people who I believe are right and know what they want. I am certainly not looking for this trait in people it's just something that comes up over time. Sometimes later rather than sooner. But basically it just seems like the people I end up with say they want a "good guy" who does this, this and this. And after a while after having that they decide they don't want that anymore. Not really sure what point I'm trying to make here. Just understanding I guess. I can sympathize. There is no clearly definitive 'knife' to slice through the psyche of a person at the outset. Like a used car salesperson, we point out every shine in the paint and every millimeter of rubber on the tires. It's only after driving the car awhile that the truth of it comes to light. That said, there are clues, right up front; signals which can tip you off to potentially bigger troubles down the road. Learning the signals and what they mean is the experience in life. Also, accepting that the investment in another human being isn't like one in a bank; you aren't guaranteed a return on your investment and it's not protected from theft/fraud/failure by the government. It's a risk. The pleasures of the process are the reward, even if, in the end, for whatever reason, the relationship fails. If you want simple advice, try dating older women, closer to 30. Also, pay careful attention to their familial background. IME, in every case I have personally experienced, a difficult (both past and present) family dynamic has made for difficult to solve relationship issues. When younger, I, unhealthily, believed everyone deserved a 'chance' and got chewed up a little many times and a whole bunch a few times. I was fighting incompatibility with sheer will and it did nothing but cause me pain and loss in the end. Hopefully, some of this makes sense. Sometimes life experience doesn't translate well to the page. Stick with it. You'll do fine
GrayClouds Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Usually if someone is experiencing a recurring pattern in relationships like that they should first and foremost look within. True that.
Author OmegaSol Posted January 22, 2010 Author Posted January 22, 2010 It's hard to say not knowing you or the people you're talking about but maybe there are things you say and do that you don't even realize you’re doing that belittle the women you’re with. Usually if someone is experiencing a recurring pattern in relationships like that they should first and foremost look within. Well that is exactly where this attitude originally came from. From looking within myself and trying to improve the faults. I totally understand and trust me I am more than pulling myself apart trying to figure "where did I go wrong". I mean of course if the relationships were 100% perfect they would have no reason to leave. But I'm trying. And this post also is to hopefully improve myself for the future. And I thank each and everyone of you for your responses.
GrayClouds Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 From looking within myself and trying to improve the faults. Be careful a desire for continual self improvement can come across of never being satisfied with the present. If it appears you can not be human with flaws then it put a lot of pressure of those around you that they too will never measure up. It can be a fine line. It is all about how your projecting it. .
ADF Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Your trouble may be related to your age. The world is full women who appreciate disciplined, reliable, goal-oriented men. However, many of them do not come to appreciate those qualities in men until they are in their late 20s or older. At 24, you are still wandering through a relationship desert populated by women drawn to "bad boys." If you can hold on just a few more years, I'll bet your luck will change considerably.
Ilovecake Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 (edited) Maybe in your case it's not that you need improvement but you need to see why you're choosing the wrong people to spend your time with. Edited January 22, 2010 by Ilovecake
sunrae Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Your trouble may be related to your age. The world is full women who appreciate disciplined, reliable, goal-oriented men. However, many of them do not come to appreciate those qualities in men until they are in their late 20s or older. At 24, you are still wandering through a relationship desert populated by women drawn to "bad boys." If you can hold on just a few more years, I'll bet your luck will change considerably. I agree with this.. I am a 35.. I wasnt ready to settle down until late twenties.. Even then I still didnt know what I "wanted" out of a real relationship.. A bad boy is what I was attracted to, a good boy, with a good head on his shoulders didnt interest me at all.... But now it's a different story, but I'm also 10 years older too.... Hang in there, you just havent met the right girl yet..
sedgwick Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 (edited) I understand. I mean this is coming from a single guy to an more matured lady so it's difficult to see things in a different light. I would just like to meet someone my age who is mature and ready. I can't be the only one. Ha, if "an [sic] more matured [sic] lady" refers to me, I'm laughing. I'm not some ancient, prudish librarian! I guess maybe it's time to wash off all these tattoos, stop bellydancing in public, quit riding my hot pink bike everywhere I go, change my name to Ethel, and tell my friends in their 20s that I can no longer hang with them because I have to apply for Medicare and go shopping for walkers and hearing aids! Oh, and I guess I'll have to toss out my lime-green Doc Martens and pick up some orthopedic shoes while I'm at it. And I certainly can't "see things in a different light," because my 20s were so long ago they might as well have been the Mesozoic. Man, I miss when we used to all ride around on dinosaurs! Edited January 22, 2010 by sedgwick
Author OmegaSol Posted January 22, 2010 Author Posted January 22, 2010 Ha, if "an [sic] more matured [sic] lady" refers to me, I'm laughing. I'm not some ancient, prudish librarian! I guess maybe it's time to wash off all these tattoos, stop bellydancing in public, quit riding my hot pink bike everywhere I go, change my name to Ethel, and tell my friends in their 20s that I can no longer hang with them because I have to apply for Medicare and go shopping for walkers and hearing aids! Oh, and I guess I'll have to toss out my lime-green Doc Martens and pick up some orthopedic shoes while I'm at it. And I certainly can't "see things in a different light," because my 20s were so long ago they might as well have been the Mesozoic. Man, I miss when we used to all ride around on dinosaurs! haha that's not what I meant I'm the slightest I was trying to compliment you sorry if I didn't articulate it correctly...
sunrae Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 Now, at 38, I'd LOVE to have a guy who's as driven as I am! It's tough to find. My ex was, but I wasn't good enough for him. It would be amazing to find someone for whom I was good enough, who also had goals! Sedgwick... It's crazy.. I get told that I'm intimidating because I have my act togrther and pretty much know what I want and like an have a great carreer.... It seems your either to good or not good enough.. Where's the middle ground?
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