D a N G e R Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Hello all, This is going to be a long one but firstly I would like to say that I have been browsing these boards since my ex cut me loose on 1st October 2009. I have decided not to post until now as I have gained immense strength these past few months by just reading the threads/responses I have found here, you are all exceptional people. I feel ready and compelled to share my situation with you. My ex and I met in September of 2008, and hit it off straight away like nothing I have ever known. I had been single for a long time before we met and had never been actively looking for a relationship, but always felt that should I meet the right person that it would be wonderful and that I would put everything I've got into it. We were inseperable and enjoyed every single moment we spent with one another. She was the first to tell me that she loves me, and even though I felt deep love for her before this, I had never said the words. I was absolutely thrilled to hear her tell me. I took her away in April 2009and we had a great break away, I really felt that life couldn't get any better at that point. In June of 2009, she was due to go abroad for 3 months in the space between her 2nd and 3rd year of university. She had this planned even before we met so I had to take this on the chin and had I had the funds/time off work to go with her, I would have jumped at the chance. I saw her off at the airport, and it was an awful, awful feeling. I got on with my life whilst she was away and kept in regular contact with her, whilst also spending time with her family back home who I love dearly. They would invite me around whilst she was away and would involve me in everything, they are a very tightknit and loving family. Keeping in contact with her was difficult due to the time differences we were facing but I made sure that I did my very best and if we could not speak verbally, I would be emailing. I received an email a month into her trip which was along the lines of 'I love you so much, but I hate the fact that I've left you at home whilst I'm having such an amazing time out here. I feel like everything has just fizzled out, and I love you but I'm just trying to sort out what I want from my life'. This raised huge red flags with me and I was obviously extremely shocked, especially since we had spoken on the phone for an hour the day before this and from both of our views everything was absolutely great. Well from this point I went through absolute hell trying to stay in contact with her, it seemed almost as if 'I'm having a great time at the moment, this can wait to be sorted until I get back, sorry' was her attitude but not her words. Her words contradicted her attitute. Her words were that she was so sorry for hurting me and that she was just confused and did really want to be with me. This view seesawed about two or three times in her duration away. I'm going to skip now to when she returned to the country, as the pain I felt of being stuck in limbo for 2 months was indescribable, even with her family ensuring me that it will all be fine when she gets back. Well she returned at the end of September and I was of course eager to see her as it had been such a long time. We met up for lunch the day after she got back, and had an amazing albiet short lunch due to her being thrown straight back into uni lectures that day. Well from the moment I left that lunch I was ignored for a further 3 days until I demanded we meet up and discuss what was going on because this just wasn't fair. We had the discussion, she told me she didn't want me anymore, she told me to move on with my life and that the lunch we had felt arkward to her (again, completely contradicting the way she acted around me on the day). Her final request before she left my house was that she would love me to keep in touch with her family as they all love me dearly. I declined this in anger due to the unfairness of keeping in touch with the family of someone who no longer thinks I'm worth it. I was heartbroken, depressed, destroyed, numb, every single emotion you are all going through yourself. The love of my life had just done this to me. I didn't want to leave the house, I didn't want to speak to friends, family, no-one. I dragged myself to work every single day and didn't miss a shift, but I was a shadow of what I once was and people could see it. I applied strict NC straight away. I must admit that I was doing this at first to illicit some mind of grass isn't greener on the other side response, but as time went by I realised that it was helping ME more than anything. This included blocking her on facebook, no texting, no calling, NOTHING from my side, I didn't beg, I didn't grovel, I didn't call her friends. I disappeared the day after this all happened and it was the hardest thing I have ever done. I received a completely neutral email from her a few weeks after the breakup telling me she had a few things of mine at her house and could I let her know when I would be in so she could drop these off. I did not reply straight away, but when I did I told her I would not be home so could she please put them through my letterbox (they were only small things) - she accepted. That was the only correspondence we have had. A week later my father died suddenly of a heart attack. The same week the company I worked for went into admin and I lost my job..... In the 4 months, I have been hitting the gym seriously, I have been going out with friends, I have been getting my life back on track the best way I know how. Keeping myself as busy as is humanly possible. I did not contact her on the day that would have been our 1st year together, I did not contact her at christmas, nor new year. I did not contact her last week which was her 21st birthday and I feel this is the straw that has broken the camels back. Last week her sister sent me a message on MSN stating that my ex had been looking at letters that the family were going to send to her when she was away but never did, and came out with "When I met him, I knew I'd met the perfect man, what have I done.." Her sister hinted that maybe I should get in contact with her, and try and 'Win her back'. I can hear your gasps now, because I was the same. Well, I was very calm with her sister and told her that she didn't understand everything that has went on and that this isn't up to me anymore, it's up to my ex. I've came too damn far and been through too much to give up any dignity I now have for someone who will be too stubborn and proud to admit their wrongs. This left her sister enraged, I was suddenly the bad guy. The one who has totally forgotten about the family, who she said are apparently all angry with me for not keeping in contact with them despite their daughters wishes for me to do so, and the guy who "must be the biggest idiot ever for not fighting for the one he loves" She told me she was trying to help me and that I am missing out, she said she is sorry that I am because my ex and I deserve each other. She then went offline and I have been blocked on MSN. Have heard not a peep since this happened. I am OUTRAGED after the 4 months I have went through that my ex's family is projecting her guiltly feelings on to me, it has made me feel like I have gone backwards in this hard process. I don't know what else to say. I have heard nothing from the ex, even if what her sister is saying is true.
GrayClouds Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 YOur doing all the right things just keep doing it and keep it all about you.
sedgwick Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 You are totally correct in what you told her sister. You're absolutely right, it's up to the dumper to come back if they realize they've made a mistake. For her sister not to have understood that, and to have gotten angry with/blocked you because you didn't come running back right away like a starved puppy, is just dumb. Hasn't she ever been dumped?!? You're doing the right thing. If she wants you, she'll find you. Keep your dignity. (Oh, and I'm very sorry about your dad and your job. That sucks.)
counterman Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Keep your wits about you and keep doing what you're doing. What are you suppose to do? What's this nonsense about fighting to win her back? If she wants to get back together with you and she really thought that you two were perfect for each other, then she would contact you. You were right to not remain in contact with the family because your ex is not a part of your life before and if you maintained the ties it would have hurt you more and delay that grieving process. Red flags and red flags, that signal that there's impending doom on the relationship and you received the bombshell. Thing is feelings do change and I don't think she really knows what she wants yet. Many of us don't early on in our dating lives. It's all a learning process where we learn from our experiences so we know what type of person we want. If she really loved you, a three month trip, with all these wonderful experiences, would not change that. You deserve some who really, REALLY WANTS to be with you. Keep up the good work; you're getting there.
Author D a N G e R Posted January 22, 2010 Author Posted January 22, 2010 Thanks to everyone for the responses I've received so far. As I say, its set me back abit receiving this correspondence from her sister, but I know how well I've done so far and know I have the power to keep on going if I will only let myself. What it has done though is plant a seed of hope within me that she is seeing what she has lost and is having second thoughts, and I just wish I had never heard anything now. Proof that NC is the best method in these situations. The important thing I have to keep telling myself is, she has had numerous ways in which she could have got in contact with me within the past 4 months if she had desired to do so. I know that she may have needed the four months to see how she felt, but I have not heard a single thing.
silverplanets Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Thanks to everyone for the responses I've received so far. What it has done though is plant a seed of hope within me that she is seeing what she has lost and is having second thoughts, and I just wish I had never heard anything now. Proof that NC is the best method in these situations. it's not her sister whose planted the seed of hope ... it's you .... and that's the warning sign imho ... your 4 months in and doing great ... look back 4 months and see how far you've come .. imagine how far you can move forward in the next 4 !!! Come on ... you're worth SO much more than this !
Author D a N G e R Posted January 22, 2010 Author Posted January 22, 2010 it's not her sister whose planted the seed of hope ... it's you .... and that's the warning sign imho ... your 4 months in and doing great ... look back 4 months and see how far you've come .. imagine how far you can move forward in the next 4 !!! Come on ... you're worth SO much more than this ! You're quite right. The hope is obviously self inflicted, but learning that she is reflecting on the break-up four months later was, in a way, both a good thing and a bad thing to find out. Good in that she is seeing my worth and bad because it has made me relapse somewhat and made my brain go into overdrive. Grrr.... We'll see what happens here on out, but I intend to still get on with my life and will not be initiating any kind of contact whatsoever.
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