Zeegagge Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Well my ex and I have been broken up for 3 months now. We were together three and a half years and engaged. I am slowly getting over it but there's just one thing that my ever swirling mind always comes back to. You see, towards the end of the relationship I stopped trying. I felt I was ready to let her go. After a little while of this is when she left me. Now I am constantly mad at myself for giving up when I had something so wonderful. I'm mad at myself for letting the love of my life go and having to feel like this now. But it wasn't so wonderful. There were problems. The main reason I was letting go at the time is because I felt like I was just waiting to be cheated on again. You see I was cheated on a total of 4 times. The first time it was just a kiss with this other dude, she was really really trashed, doesn't even really remember it, and she was honest and told me about it right away. I told her I was leaving her but she came back leaving love notes all over my apt., begging, crying and doing me wildly. The second time she actually had sex with a guy, and again she was trashed and again she told me about it right away, and again with the love notes and the attacking me passionately. Wanted to leave her and gave her no end of crap about it, letting her know that it wasn't ok and I wouldn't stand for it anymore. Her behavior improved dramatically and she seemed to love me more deeply than ever before for a good while afterwards. Then about 8 months later we were at a party and again she was trashed. Me knowing what happens in these situations Im doing my best to keep an eye on her. Well we're upstairs eating snacks (can't spell hor dervs lol) and she wanders off down to the basement where the band is playing. I wait about two minutes then go down. She's nowhere to be seen. So I go in this side room to the basement, which isn't even part of the party, and she's in there talking to some guy 6 inches from her face, just the two of them! The guy looks at me and walks off without saying anything. I was pissed, but she was too drunk to have any sort of meaningful discussion with. The next day we had that discussion though. I began it by having her declare her love for me and that she didnt want to be with anyone else, which she did profusely. I told her that even though nothing happened that it was still completely unacceptable and I was ready to walk out the door right then. She professed her love and said her behavior would improve, which it did. From that point on thought I really felt like I was with the love of my life but that I was just waiting to be cheated on again. I couldn't handle it one more time. I also knew that by leaving her I would end up feeling terrible and like I had really lost something amazing, so i held on but my heart wasn't in it anymore. I watched us drift apart and then she left me. Now I'm depressed, lonely and feel like general ****. Feel like I lost the best I ever had... but she cheated on me. You see my turmoil!!?? I dunno, what do any of you make of this? Should I have let her go? I'm really mad at myself about it now. I keep thinking that if we were still together I would just be sooooo happy, but I also don't know that the cheating would have stopped. Somebody, anybody help me here. I just can't get my head wrapped around things and really need some insight.
Forgotten Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 So.... I will go to what is always said "If it was meant to be it would have been." Theres a reason she cheated to.. What that was, who knows. I know that no matter how drunk you are that is not an excuse. If you truly love someone you want to get drunk and find them to hook up with not someone that you have no invested feelings for. Being drunk is not an excuse to me.. for ANYTHING! Also, the relationship sounds like it was rocky for a while. So on and off, you shouldn't have to have someone tell you how much they love you and to stay they have to feel like that and do it on their own. Yes I see this has created many insecurities for you, which I can understand but its time to pick up the pieces and move on!!! You're wondering if you shouldve tried, it sounds like you did... Many times.. It just wasn't working so you go on.... Maybe not right away as clearly you had a lot of feelings invested but you have to be happy with yourself so someone else can be happy with you!!!!
nomad0792 Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Man...I'm sorry you had to go through this, but there is absolutely NO REASON that you should hang onto this girl. SHE CHEATED ON YOU!!!!! Your ego and self-esteem is damaged and that's your reason for hurting. Trust me when I say there will be a woman who comes along and doesn't treat you this way. Don't be a doormat!! Stand up for what is right and don't allow this crap to be in your world. RUN as fast as you can!!!! Learn from it and it won't happen to you again.
Da_1_n_OnlyN3na Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 LOL...OMGOSH! reading this made me mad i hate when people cheat!..i am noone to giv you advice because i have cheated before but for payback because my ex bf also cheated on me not 4 times but a hundred(not literally..mayb 50 lol) times in our 3 year relationship. And i always took him back!!!!...alwaysz!!!!! and guess what he kept doing it and everytime he tried to come back and i told him i didnt want to try nomore because he was never going to change...he would profess his love to me and that i was the only one he wanted to be with and have a little family with and he would even cry!! and beg to be with me... but i got so tired of it and it seemed like i was the only one trying to fix the relationship. if it wasnt cheating he would ignore me and not want to spend time with me or talking to me.....basically what im trying to tell you is that your girl is never going to change because you always take her back...take it from experience man.....she cant be your true love and the love of your life like you say if she doesnt appreciate you......im depressed i still love my ex and i miss him alot! but i know he isnt right for me so i changed my number............i suggest you do the same...
dazzle22 Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Short of putting a GPS tracking device and a chastity belt on this woma, I can't see how you could ever be assured she wouldn't actively be pursuing sex with other men...
Da_1_n_OnlyN3na Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 oh one more thing!.........the alcohol is definetly no excuse for anything!! thats where the tru colors come out!excuse me...but if your girl wants to be a lil rolller let her..but on her own you need to find someone who loves you for you and will not do this to you. do you think you really deserve someone who flirts with other guys in your face? i know ii would have broke that dudes face if i was you! and i would have dumped her to the curb! i never cought my ex not even flirting with another girl while he was with me but if i had trust me i would have left hima long time ago!... and ...she seems as if she has a drinking problem iits no good to be with someone who drinks and then does stupid crap while being and drunk and doesnt really remember what happened the night before. you really wanna spend your life with someone like that?dam i should take my own advice..............but anyways..good luck MR.
Author Zeegagge Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 Thanks guys, really helps, keep it coming please, would love to hear some other opinions on this.
gaudi Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 You are gonna get past this. You knew deep in your heart what type of behaviour she was capable of after the first couple of times (drunk or not), that's why your heart wasn't really in it. You had heard her tell you (and apparently show you) how much she loved you enough times that you didn't want to let it go, but again deep down, you probably knew it wasn't right. You just couldn't bring yourself to call an abrupt halt to it all. Can't blame you for that. I've been gulty of that too. Just wanting to hang onto something that you know isn't going to last forever. If you had of called it off yourself before and gone NC straight away, well sure that would have been better, but it still would have hurt like hell, you still would be without what you are pining for now. I suggest wishing her well with all your heart whenever you begin to think about her. The more good vibes you send out into the world, the more you'll get back.
nomad0792 Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Dude>>> don't look back. Not a good place to go back to. It will only get worse. You are too good for that crap!!!!! Sleeping with other people is not someone you want in your life!!!!
HLP234 Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Of course you must still love her even though she cheated on 4 times!! I know what you feel like, like you can't let it go, you want her to be with your and wish everything would get fixed. But you need to understand that you deserve better than that. You need to go NC, forget about her and just get out to plan other things for yourself now. I would not even bother with someone if they cheated on me 1 time. I don't care if you are drunk or not. If my ex had not left me she could stick me in a room full of alcohol and girls and I would never cheat on her. I honestly think its a really messed up thing to do..but other times people do not have the same views. Just try and move on as much as you can. You have to realize that if you can stick around for someone who did this to you, you can be a great person for someone else that actually deserves your attention.
Author Zeegagge Posted January 22, 2010 Author Posted January 22, 2010 Gaudi, dude, seriously, the way you called all of that was amazing. I don't think anyone has ever pegged anything quite so accurately, ever. I think I need to break this down but I'm not very good with quoting things individually. Here goes nothing. You are gonna get past this. Thank you, it's good to hear that from someone who sounds like they know this for sure. You knew deep in your heart what type of behaviour she was capable of after the first couple of times (drunk or not), that's why your heart wasn't really in it. You had heard her tell you (and apparently show you) how much she loved you enough times that you didn't want to let it go, but again deep down, you probably knew it wasn't right. Wow. You understand way too well. Sounds almost like you've felt something similar. Somehow you're understanding makes me feel better. You just couldn't bring yourself to call an abrupt halt to it all. Can't blame you for that. I've been gulty of that too. Just wanting to hang onto something that you know isn't going to last forever. Aha, so you have been through something similar. Amazingly accurate. I'm kind of floored. I remember feeling the whole time, 'something's going to happen, this is never going to last forever, when are we going to break up?' Deep down I'm not sure I wanted it to last forever. I guess that's why it's surprising that it still hurts as much as it does. If you had of called it off yourself before and gone NC straight away, well sure that would have been better, but it still would have hurt like hell, you still would be without what you are pining for now. I don't know that it would have been better. Can't really see what difference it makes now. I suggest wishing her well with all your heart whenever you begin to think about her. The more good vibes you send out into the world, the more you'll get back. Again, amazing how we feel the exact same way. I only wrote her 1 letter post breakup, it was 1 line and all it said was "X, good luck in [hometown] and wherever life takes you." Definitely not harboring ill will, I do wish her well. Thank you so much for your insight, and thank you everybody. Nomad, you make a good point! HLP, thanks for the late night come back! You're right, she didn't deserve my attention, I've never cheated on anyone and never would, same as you. Da 1, you've done the right thing by moving on. I'm glad I'm doing the same. Forgotten, welcome new member ;-) Dazzle, you're so totally right. That is one thing I do not miss, having to keep an eye on her anytime we were out. It was seriously dreadful. I couldn't have a good time. Went to a party by myself the other night (well i've been doing that a lot) and celebrated freedom. It was liberating. Oh, and I still have some game too. Who knew? More thoughts are always appreciated too.
gaudi Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 I suggest wishing her well with all your heart whenever you begin to think about her. The more good vibes you send out into the world, the more you'll get back. No worries mate. I do understand. And Yes, I have been through something very similar. Anyway the above quote is the most important bit. It sounds a bit daft, but I can't stress enough how much this has changed me from whining and pining, into someone who has done more laughing in these last couple of days, than I have done in the past few months. Get up in the morning, wish your EX well with all your heart. Then forget about her for the rest of the day. Works for me anyway. Good Luck bud !!!
Author Zeegagge Posted January 22, 2010 Author Posted January 22, 2010 This is really hard. Early in the day is the worst. Every morning I wake up to nothing and nothing to look forward to. Usually by night time I feel a little better although not great. I'm really lonely and I just wish things could've worked out better for my ex and I. She's back stateside now and I'm sure rather enjoying herself and her new LDR that she seems to be so obsessed with. I feel like I did so much wrong along the way and I can't stop blaming myself. I really am feeling better but it's slow and like I said, mornings are the worst. I've got to clear my head. When my ex and I were really clicking it was some of the most amazing love I've ever known. Now I need to find love with someone else and starting over is so difficult. I'm trying my best to hang in there but right now Im losing my mind a little bit. I've just got to move on. move on move on move on and let go
gaudi Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Early in the day is the worst part I agree. That's why it's best to try and get all your negatives out of the way first so you can at least try and get on with it. I know what you mean about the moving on mate. I'm still trying to. I'm definitely past the crying stage. Now I also seem to be past the thinking about her and what could have been stage. I'm no longer thinking about if only I could go back a couple of months. Now and again I will find something in my drawer, like a train ticket from october (before we broke up) and these things can set me back. i'm trying my hardest and it seems to be working. You just have to keep on plugging away mate. Everyday should eventually start to get a little bit better, and it will if you stay positive. Right now it may seem hdard to be positive. But it WILL help you.
HLP234 Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Just go about your life before you were with her. Of course it is tough and you can't do anything about it, but the feelings will come and go. I have put everything I have of hers away and it still bugs me. Also, don't go looking for any love..live like you normally did and it will come to you with time. Getting with someone else now should not be your main priority.
seibert253 Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 Dude, every morning you need to get down on your knees and thank God for the bullet that you dodged. She's a serial cheater and will always will be. No man will ever be good enough for her. Trust me, she will self destruct over and over again. It sucks, and it hurts, but from all of us who've been there, you did everything right. She messed up, you forgave her, she kept messing up. Sorry dear, you have to go. I'm better than you. And yes you are. Your true love is out there. The one who will worship the ground you walk on, and give you all the love you can handle. Your next adventure is to find her and win her over. Happy Hunting my friend.
Author Zeegagge Posted January 23, 2010 Author Posted January 23, 2010 Dude, every morning you need to get down on your knees and thank God for the bullet that you dodged. Thank you for that, really helps! She's a serial cheater and will always will be. No man will ever be good enough for her. Trust me, she will self destruct over and over again. Lol, you are so right, esp. about the part where no man will ever be good enough. Maybe that's why she's dating a woman now It sucks, and it hurts, but from all of us who've been there, you did everything right. She messed up, you forgave her, she kept messing up. Sorry dear, you have to go. I'm better than you. And yes you are. Thanks for the vote of confidence. One thing I've been happy about, even though Im depressed, is that at least she can't cheat on me anymore. It's someone else's problem now. Your true love is out there. The one who will worship the ground you walk on, and give you all the love you can handle. Your next adventure is to find her and win her over. I can't wait to find her. She'll be different from my last love but hopefully in a good way. I know it's going to truly be amazing when it happens and that's what I'm looking forward to. Happy Hunting my friend. Thank you again, I plan to enjoy it!
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