I got blamed for "setting us back " ..

[TO_Girl]

SO to follow a thread that I posted the other day, I have been dating this guy for a few months and things have been hot and cold.

He basically told me that he really liked me but that he couldnt really get into a relationship becuase he is working on his career and a few other things on the side.

We have been progressing at times and I have gotten that feeling that at times we are not, when he doesnt follow up with me, when he doesnt really call me that often etc.Regardless we have managed to see each other at least once every week.

A few days ago he told me that he couldnt really be my bf right now because he didnt have the time to offer what a bf is supposed to offer..?

So last night I had a talk with him and told him how this made me feel, we had a very calmed conversation and told him that I needed time to focus on the stuff in my life that I needed to focus and that having him on the side when I know I like him and i will get attached is not helping much.

 

To which he responded that I am the one who is setting us back with all this conversations, that I need to give it time for us to spend more time together so we can get attached and that he is running the risk of getting attached as well, that right now he doesnt have the time but who knows things might change in the future... "who is telling you girl that whenI get attached I wont have more time to share with you.."

 

To me this doesnt make sense, basically what guarantee do I have that things will change and it sounds to me like he is just dragging me, he blames me for being "pessimistic" and not let things flow, but how can I feel cared for when all I hear is "I'm busy " and he is so inconsistent with the things he does , like calls and texts etc.He blames me for "setting the bar so high and having unrealistic expectations" ...when he says he has feelings for me etc, even though he is a gentleman i dont feel his affection, no cuddling, no ramdom kisses or hugs etc.

 

Please correct me here if I'm wrong, all I want is to date a guy that will have time to get to know me and show his interest throgh actions, I think that at three months his attraction (not attachment) should be stronger to want to spend more time with me.

 

What should I do..?

[meerkat stew]

You should move on entirely. He is not into a relationship with you and is trying to let you down easy with excuses.

[TaraMaiden]

meerkat's right.

it sounds to me as if this guy is into a completely non-attached relationship, without any solid commitment.

He'd like to get to know you, have some fun, but all this relationship talk and being serious with one another, isn't floating his boat at all. It's not what he wants to hear, and it's definitely NOT what he wants.....

In short?

You have Flaky Guy here.

Which is fine, if you're also Flaky Girl...

 

But you both evidently want and expect different things.

So, from that, I think you can safely assume you're not on "the same page" at all.

Go back to the library, check this book in as not really your reading-type, and take out another one.....

[torranceshipman]

It's true, its a classic case of being let down gently. He isnt interested, unfortunately. Definitly move on to someone who can appreciate you.

[TO_Girl]

I understand that guys..the hardest part is that he is playing this game so well that it seems he is putting the blame on me.

I dont mean to be pessimistic , but how can I have a good time and fun when someone tells you "no commitment for now, maybe in the future".. I'm putting my heart on the line and its not safe..his whole notion is that things will change...

I'm not quiet sure he wants to let me down, as he insists to see me and hang out together etc.. I think is more like dragging me along so he can have his fun out of it..

And he said he was sad if I moved on because he would be loosing me..like please it really shows 'how sad he is'..

[TaraMaiden]

Ok, take your focus off him, what he said, why and what it means.

Forget his game, his motives and his conditions.

 

To use an often-quoted colloquialism - Phukk him.

 

Send him one last message.

" I'm moving on to better pastures. Suggest you do the same. Don't contact me any more. Have a nice life. I sure intend to."

 

Then, go complete NC and leave him to his own devices.

Block his number, block e-mails, block Facebook block texts block everything.

do not respond, do not react, do not reply, do not take the bait, do not pass go do not collect 200-whatever....

 

OK...

Ready...?

Send it .....

 

NOW!!

[carhill]

.the hardest part is that he is playing this game so well that it seems he is putting the blame on me.

 

Accept that, currently, you appear to want this relationship/progression more than he does. That's OK. Accept responsibility for your perspective. For you, it's a healthy one, though simply incompatible with his at this time.

 

It's OK that he's 'sad'. With all choices (he's making one here) comes consequences. He'll be fine.

[meerkat stew]

I understand that guys..the hardest part is that he is playing this game so well that it seems he is putting the blame on me.

 

Blame shifting is the standard tactic for many who are either easing out or moving out of a relationship rapidly. It's unfair, but there is nothing you can do about it other than not internalize the blame or take it personally. They just want out, or in your guy's case, just don't want "in," but most people do not have the reserves of character to do things the right way.

 

He could change his tune in the future, if he realizes what he has lost, but for now, anything you say goes through a filter of dismissiveness. As they say, "anything you say may be used against you." The only thing you can do in this situation is withdraw completely, tell him you are not satisfied in the relationship and that you are going to begin to explore other options. Do not remain friends, rather break cleanly and move into a couple of months of NC and self reflection. At that time, put out a feeler to see if anything is changed. If he realizes that he misses you, and what he has lost, he may make a more concerted effort, but don't bank on this, it's a long shot. Best wishes and sorry you are going through this.

[torranceshipman]

The other posters are right, just move on. He isnt interested, unless you are offering casual hook ups (which he seems to be pushing for, and probably senses you are caving to-what a skank).

 

Your question of how to have a good time and fun? That is actually perfectly achievable.

 

But not with this guy.

 

(btw, I was calling him a skank, not you!)

[Crazy Magnet]

If he is interested, he's not interested enough. He's blatantly told you that his career, etc come first right now, not you. To be it seems like a no brainer, move on and find a man who meets your expectations. He will not change. If he wanted you so badly, he'd make you his gf and take you off the market. Anything less is simply an excuse for a free piece of tail.

 

I rarely say dump him and move on, but seriously, dump him and move on.

[TO_Girl]

Guys I know all this stuff, I do.. unfortunately when there are emotions involved is harded to se the truth and just do "the right thing" .

Its unfair how on top of the fact that I am getting neglected he puts the blame on my pessimism, I don't think that's true but this just happened yesterday and naturally I'm upset about it and hurt.

 

I already told him I needed time to focus and his last words to me were "Well it seems like you have made a decision and I just want you to be happy, if you want to talk more about it thats fine but now I have to go becuase I have to go cook and eat as Im starving "... I have been so strong all this time, but of course I had to shed a couple tears ( he sensed it ) and I just had to say bye.

 

No more discuscussion is done, on my part NC is the way to go and I don't want to do NC because I have hopes of getting him back, I have never heard any more bs from anyone and frankly I'm done with that.

 

He doesnt try becuase to him is simple..he wasnt invested and at this point he can easily replace my bootie with somebody else's, thus he didnt even try to hold me back.

 

Honestly for the first time I dont feel like it was me , it was HIM.

 

Ps I owe him money though... I will just mail it.

[meerkat stew]

It's not much help I know, but we have all been through it and the clouds are really not as dark as they appear right now. Try not to focus on him finding someone else and focus instead on the kind of attention and affection that -you- deserve, but aren't getting, how you wouldn't be happy continuing in a relationship where -your- desires aren't being met, and how moving forward will land you in a better place with a better partner the sooner you start the progress. Sometimes it helps to look off into the future when this will be a distant memory and fantasize about where you will be then and what your life will be like.

[TO_Girl]

Thanks for your help guys, It really did help to see that I wasnt being selfish towards him or just having "high expectations"

I will keep you posted on my progress with NC and if he ever contacts me again..

[norajane]

You did the right thing.

 

Whenever you feel like this:

i dont feel his affection, no cuddling, no ramdom kisses or hugs etc.

 

Pay attention to how you feel. If you aren't happy and don't feel affection from him, there's no point in dating him, is there? If there's no affection coming from him in three months, it's not likely he will develop that or express it.

[Trialbyfire]

A classic case of a guy leading you on. He's got a bolt-hole, with the "I'm too busy right now for a relationship but possibly in the future".

 

Ladies, let these guys do the chasing. If they don't pursue (and I don't treating them like crap by playing hard to get with ignoring calls, etc) and are solid and consistent in their interests, you're just asking for heartbreak.

 

The reverse of this for men, is that when a woman's not interested in a relationship, she'll play all kinds of games to keep you on a string, just like the above guy. She'll play hard to get, not returning calls, blowing hot and cold, well, you know the routine.

 

People shouldn't put up with crappy behaviour.

[TO_Girl]

Trialfire I agree.. to me when he said this "I'm not ready now but possibly in the future" All I thought is how ridiculous you are being, if today that we are just starting you have no time and you say you will give me time when you get attached, it simple means that now you are not giving me time becuase you couldnt care any less.

 

Also is interesting that you mention let him do the chasing becuase I dont remember calling him, I let him chase me and wasnt alwasys as available.

 

**Maybe he is a commitment -phobe because he once mentioned that him and his ex broke it off becuase she asked for marriage and he told her he was too busy for that, she left him for her ex who did propose to her and are now married **

This was one year ago, so maybe he is still carrying baggage... who knows.

 

He made me feel so uncortable and unwelcomed the last time I was over at his place that I just wanted to go home, I wanted to run.

 

He is not ready and full of bs and I know he wanted to keep me aroudn for a piece of bootie but he lost a good girl , is all I know.

[CLC2008]

"I'm not ready now but possibly in the future"

 

I can't tell you anything I haven't done, but reading this post is really driving it home for me... God works in mysterious ways.

 

I used to post under a different user name (Lionlover) and I initially posted here after receiving a very similar statement right after I broached the "what are we" convo.

 

Not what I was expecting and I felt led on too, I've tried to think good/positive things about him since, but no longer can do.

 

Some will say give it time, and let his actions prove otherwise, my own personal experience, there were none.

 

Hope it works out for you.

[TO_Girl]

Cant thank everyone enough for all the advice and support, it makes me feel like Im not alone with my pain.

CLC2008 I know how hard it is, I was going through it, I just dont trust the "let time tell" becuase that means I have to let him take advantage and benefit of all the things I offer to him , how convenient..waiting for him to make up his mind I get neglected while he gets double the attention, his own and mine.. while I get none.. thats destructutive..

 

 

******I GOT NEWS*****

 

He texted me saying " How is your mom doing ? " lol because she was having health issues but she is fine now.

 

I dont want to reply to this text and I dont know why is he doing it, but dont forget that I owe him money...

 

Should I say something like "Mom is good, I owe you money I will courier it tomorrow " ?

[TaraMaiden]

If you want.

Just keep it extremely impersonal.

 

"She's doing fine thank you.

Just to let you know that I am mailing you the money I owe you today."

 

And that's it.

Nothing else, at all.....

Please remember there's a serious point to No Contact.

It's to stop them yanking your chain and helping you move on.

 

If he then replies, ignore it, because basically, from now on, all it's going to be, is chit-chat....

 

Hope it goes well.

[TO_Girl]

I haven't done anything about it , I can't get myself to text him, Im sad today and I know ifI text him he will reply and I just don't like to be in this situation where I know I'm dying to talk to someone , but I just shouldnt and all the will power that it takes from me, plus that feeling at the back of your mind that hunts you for not replying..

I can't give him signs of life today, I'm just ignoring it until I'n in a better state to sound firm in my message and not fall back into the same trap

[ADF]

It sounds to me like this you and this man have what amounts to a FWB relationship.

 

OP, you must keep in mind that for many men--maybe even most men--having a GF is NOT the ideal. Having a FWB is the ideal. In a FWB relationship, the guy gets all the advantages of having a GF, but with none of the strings--the ultimate win-win situation for him. Once a man has you in a FWB, he'll NEVER want the relationship to go any further. He is already getting everything he wants--for free.

[TO_Girl]

Yup unfortunately that is true in most cases the FWB relationship, I made a big mistake when I gave him the goodies too soon, I know that , although some say that to some men who really care about you this wont matter...in my case he is more of a commitment phobe or a big fat lier who just wants to play the field .

 

Update -- I haven't heard from him since he sent me that message and I didnt reply..

[TO_Girl]

Update on my story..more as a vent than anything, it helps to let things out .. and I need to today.

He called me yesterday from a ramdom number so I pick up and he tells me that if things are finished between us he wants to have a closure talk and wants to do things right to make sure we end in good terms and in the future we can have a secind chance if I decide to walk out because on his part things are not done.

He said he wants to have one last conversation face to face with me on Wednesday, to try to figure things out. I didnt respond to this request.Then he invite me to a party next Friday.

We talked about the topic and the reasons why I DONT want to be with him and he basically mentioned the same bs..

 

"Oh X I dont have time right now , my focus is on other things but this is why we have to spend time together so we can grow into each other, right now dont expect me to call you everyday because Im too busy, even though I care about you its not that I dont want to.. I just can't give you the time, but in the future maybe things will change , I like you a lot and this is why I want to pursue this so bad , if I didnt think that things have the potential to work out I wouldnt be insisting in seeing you, all I want is to get to see you and get to know each other without all these bs talks that keep setting us back"

 

No guys I'm not buying this, trust me , but I was just as fine with the NC , the pain was there but it was vanishing little bu little, I hate to have come back to square one it feels and I think his words sound fishy.

 

My friend told me I should tell him ok lets go slow and lets get to know each other but that means that we shouldnt be physical either.

 

Don't think that meeting him to have a "closure talk is the right thing to do "

 

Should I just tell him no thanks I already made a decison, we are in good terms but not interested or give him the chance to have a face to face?

Edited January 31, 2010 by TO_Girl

[TaraMaiden]

No.

It's over.

goodness, he is so full of Bull5h!t - !!

 

he doesn't want closure, because he mentioned, in the next breath, getting back together....

That's not closure.... that is the classic Mr NonCommitment's get-out clause, which keeps you precisely where he wants you. In Limbo, with him as keyholder.

 

Oh, go screw yourself, buddy!!

 

What you were doing, was working.

All he's doing is dragging you - as you saw, and felt, completely by yourself - to square one, where he's trying to control your life, call the shots and keep you dangling.

 

Tell him the F2F is off.

 

"If you haven't got the message now, this way, you never will.

It's now or never. And as you seem intent on 'not now' then get this: It's never. Please do NOT contact me again."

 

And leave it at that.

Your mistake (if I may say so) was not putting the phone down when you realised it was him.

 

You have a right to your life.

you have a right to live it the way you want.

You have a right to happiness on your terms, not kow-towing to somebody else's.

Don't give in to him again.

This should be sufficient closure for him to understand that the reason this hasn't worked, is because he was never present in your life the way ands amount he should have been,

Well, in that case, you're not going to be present in his on a part time "when I want you to be" basis.

 

Do not give in to this.

 

because you know what's changed?

YOU are calling the shots.

And he doesn't like it.

You've changed.

And he's LOST you.

 

And trust me.

 

His loss - is your gain.

[meerkat stew]

Should I just tell him no thanks I already made a decison, we are in good terms but not interested or give him the chance to have a face to face?

 

The above looks good. I use the line "You have said you can't do XYZ (or must have XYZ), which doesn't work for me, so there's really no need for us to talk further about it. We are just not compatible," when exes start angling for attention or closure or whatever it is they want. BTW, closure comes from within oneself, not from a chat with an ex.

 

Since he told you he can't be a BF due to his busy schedule, that's all the closure necessary. You have the right to be with someone who values you as a high priority in life, healthy couples handle career and other stresses together, they don't use them as excuses for being a bad partner.