kiran Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Last week, he told me he was ending it with the other woman - a much younger woman he met in a bar 3 weeks ago. Last night, he left me. Told me he still loves me but she "does something for me I can't explain" and even though he said he's probably making the biggest mistake of his life, he said "I have to go this direction". I can't stop crying, it hurts so bad. 15 years gone, just like that. Why???
bentnotbroken Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 You will never get the answer to that question. You will excuses and even plauseable justifications. But to get to the real answer, one has to be willing to face everything head on. Most cheaters don't. I know you are hurting now. It is almost indescrible, except to someone who has been there. One minute you can't breath. It feels like your lungs are filling with despair. It is suffocating. The next minute you are reviewing your life, conversations and actions in your head. Ever minute detail is analyzed and scrutinized. You grasp for an answer, any answer. You might find one that satisfies you for the moment and you work out a game plan. In the blink of an eye, that answer is no longer good enough and you begin your search all over again. You challenge your own judgement, your ability to reason, your sanity. These unfortunatley are part of the process. You have suffered a "death" and you willing have to go through the grieving process. I used anger as a motivating tool to get me moving in the direction of the rest of my life. Surround yourself with family and friends. Let them support you, but don't let them push you in any direction you don't want to go yet. Be clear, just because he says he is going to be with her, does't always mean that it is a permanent situation. It is common for WS to waffle between the two. My advice is to decide what you want, what you will not settle for, and set clear boundaries and then stick to them no matter how hard it gets. Go NC=no contact with him. Not low contact, no contact. Why? It gives you time to think and come up with a game plan that will work for you without subjecting you to his guilt, blame shifting or excuses. Find a counselor or clergy member. I don't know what your religious background is, but prayer is the reason that I am able to type this. I think without the guidance I sought through prayer I might either be dead or in prison...simple as that. If that isn't your thing, then find a really good confidant and use them to help you see clearly. Counseling was also a life saver. It helped me deal with the depression and she worked with my Dr.s to make sure I was well taken care of. There isn't going to be anything that anyone here will say that will make this grieving process easier, but know you aren't alone and it is possible to get through it one second at a time. Pull yourself along until you can crawl. Crawl until you can walk. Walk until you can run. Run until you can fly and sweetie you will fly agian. We all do.
Lishy Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Bent has said it all!! The feeling is terrible but time heals all wounds ... even though they feel they will never close I was in the same position by the way and he came crawling back when he realised he had run off with a burger when he had steak at home all the time. By the, alas, it was too late for him and I was over him. He is still trying to this day, he even had my name tattood on his hand to 'prove' how much he loves me ... how that proved a thing I do not know! But even now he is crying and begging me to give him one more chance. I cannot look at him without seeing him with her so it will never happen
BlueeyedJonesy Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 ((((HUGS)))) I am so sorry! I don't even know what advice to give you because bentnotbroken said it all too well. Prayer is definetly something that helps me. You are going to go through a grueling process and there will be times where it feels like something inside of you is going to explode. So just try and breathe through it all and know that we are here for you. What a piece of *****...
silktricks Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Bent did say it all... you've a tough road ahead, but it can be done. Time heals. Give yourself time. Treat yourself well. Know that your life is valuable and good, so take good care of it.
Author kiran Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 Thank you so much for what you wrote - it made me cry again - only because I know you're right. What I'm struggling with at this moment is the fact that this woman is 17 years younger and it was my biggest fear, that I'd be one of those women that gets left for a younger woman. I keep thinking she's better than me - prettier, smarter, more fun.... You will never get the answer to that question. You will excuses and even plauseable justifications. But to get to the real answer, one has to be willing to face everything head on. Most cheaters don't. I know you are hurting now. It is almost indescrible, except to someone who has been there. One minute you can't breath. It feels like your lungs are filling with despair. It is suffocating. The next minute you are reviewing your life, conversations and actions in your head. Ever minute detail is analyzed and scrutinized. You grasp for an answer, any answer. You might find one that satisfies you for the moment and you work out a game plan. In the blink of an eye, that answer is no longer good enough and you begin your search all over again. You challenge your own judgement, your ability to reason, your sanity. These unfortunatley are part of the process. You have suffered a "death" and you willing have to go through the grieving process. I used anger as a motivating tool to get me moving in the direction of the rest of my life. Surround yourself with family and friends. Let them support you, but don't let them push you in any direction you don't want to go yet. Be clear, just because he says he is going to be with her, does't always mean that it is a permanent situation. It is common for WS to waffle between the two. My advice is to decide what you want, what you will not settle for, and set clear boundaries and then stick to them no matter how hard it gets. Go NC=no contact with him. Not low contact, no contact. Why? It gives you time to think and come up with a game plan that will work for you without subjecting you to his guilt, blame shifting or excuses. Find a counselor or clergy member. I don't know what your religious background is, but prayer is the reason that I am able to type this. I think without the guidance I sought through prayer I might either be dead or in prison...simple as that. If that isn't your thing, then find a really good confidant and use them to help you see clearly. Counseling was also a life saver. It helped me deal with the depression and she worked with my Dr.s to make sure I was well taken care of. There isn't going to be anything that anyone here will say that will make this grieving process easier, but know you aren't alone and it is possible to get through it one second at a time. Pull yourself along until you can crawl. Crawl until you can walk. Walk until you can run. Run until you can fly and sweetie you will fly agian. We all do.
Author kiran Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 Half of me wants him to come crawling back and the other half doesn't. I keep seesawing back and forth...I have to go no contact. We have a child....and a house.....I will need to talk to him eventually about those things. I don't know how I'm going to do it! Bent has said it all!! The feeling is terrible but time heals all wounds ... even though they feel they will never close I was in the same position by the way and he came crawling back when he realised he had run off with a burger when he had steak at home all the time. By the, alas, it was too late for him and I was over him. He is still trying to this day, he even had my name tattood on his hand to 'prove' how much he loves me ... how that proved a thing I do not know! But even now he is crying and begging me to give him one more chance. I cannot look at him without seeing him with her so it will never happen
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Once the novelity of her disappears, he'll wake up and realize what he did, and what he threw away. Keep in mind, this is NOT about you (and actually, it's not about her either) - It's all about him. He is broken inside! Whatever this new chicky is providing him, an ego feed, helping him through a mid life crisis to feel attractive, young again.. Don't blame yourself! Focus on you, surround yourself with good friends and family, let them help you through this. Sorry you're hurting.
BlueeyedJonesy Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 seems to be every wives fear... I fear it as well. What is it about younger women that men go crazy about? Women usually go crazy about older men. That says something. Just remember that beauty is skin deep, and this woman is probably a cheap thrill. Once he realizes that he will want what he had with you back.
Lishy Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 My ex cheated on me with a girl 18 years my junior and I know exactly how you feel! I was so depressed when I saw pics of her and she was 6ft 2 and with skin like a peach ... BUT guess what? she was not me and he realised it. I saw them around together and it made me feel sick but all she had was a lying cheat I went through every single emotion, I did not eat or sleep for nearly 2 weeks and lost so much weight and smoked 40 cigs a day as I was up all night picturing them together Now what I didnt realise that was the whole time he was thinking about me, his family all turned their backs on them as a couple, his mum once said she could not go to a family event as there were no sweeties there for her! His brothers only ever asked him about me and his friends even told him he was a fool. No one accepted her and she felt it. My ex never once raised his voice to me and yet he treated her terrible, she spoke to her like crap and would call me when he was with her. It must have been terrible for her and to this day he is still trying to get me back but I have told him no way! There cannot be that amount of age difference without a lack of things in common. He could be her dad and he was working and had finished schhol and driving a car before she was even born! I tried to be his friend at one point and then I realised I could not be friends with a liar Honestly you will be fine but I totally know how you feel right now, I would not wish it on my worst enemy
norajane Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 He's gone into selfish, self-centered fog, where nothing matters but the shot of validation and ego boost he's experiencing right now. He may come out of it at some point, but you should decide before then whether you are willing to do the hard work to forgive (if he does ALL the right things to show you his commitment to your marriage), or if he's irreparably broken your trust and the framework of your marriage. In the meantime, please do seek out a good divorce attorney so you understand your rights and responsibilities. You don't have to take the next steps yet if you're not ready, but you should understand what your position is. It will give you a feeling of control - that you know what you need to do to take care of yourself and your child if mid-life crisis man continues to follow his momentary fancy.
wheream_i Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Wow, and I just read something about the Betty Borderick story. Pease don't let it go that far! This really sucks to hear especially after 17 years together. There's really no way to avoid the emotions you are experiencing and will continue to experience for some time. As a male, I do have to agree with WhichWayIsUp in that it is not about you or even her. It's the fact that he found someone that fed his ego. It's such an evil thing, especially when we let it get the best of us. I don't think any of us have the words to heal you faster but hopefully this website helps in knowing that you're not alone. Take care.
bittersweet memories Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Half of me wants him to come crawling back and the other half doesn't. I keep seesawing back and forth...I have to go no contact. We have a child....and a house.....I will need to talk to him eventually about those things. I don't know how I'm going to do it! ...let the honeymoon phase die out and he will likely come crawling back. If you have to talk to him because of the child etc do so but very limited and brief. Stay strong..Its going to be tuff for awhile. But I promise you there is a light in the end of the tunnel. Its his lost and he will see it.
bittersweet memories Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 (edited) Once the novelity of her disappears, he'll wake up and realize what he did, and what he threw away. Keep in mind, this is NOT about you (and actually, it's not about her either) - It's all about him. He is broken inside! Whatever this new chicky is providing him, an ego feed, helping him through a mid life crisis to feel attractive, young again.. Don't blame yourself! Focus on you, surround yourself with good friends and family, let them help you through this. Sorry you're hurting. totally agree.. BINGO! Also You gotta keep moving forward and surround yourself with possitive people. Edited January 21, 2010 by bittersweet memories
bentnotbroken Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 My advice is to talk with him only through email or text. That way you can save copies. Then only speak about finances and your child. You will have trouble sleeping, see a doctor. You will lose weight, take supplements(ensure was a life saver for me). At all cost think of your health and what you child would do if you were to fall ill. Don't let the depression get you in a death grip. Know that it is normal to be depressed, but not normal to let go of life. You do have a life. For years it included him....but remember it is your life. That's why the decisions you make need to be what is best for you as much as your child. Don't feel the pressure to stay in a marriage for your child. Don't feel the pressure to divorce immediately. You get to decide the next step, he decided the previous ones. The ow being younger means nothing. It only means that she is chronologically younger, nothing more. The ow in my situation was pretty close to my age. As WWIU said, it isn't about you or her. It is about his inability to show respect for himself, so there is no way in hell he could show respect for you. Whatever the reason is for the choices that he has made, it isn't your fault. No matter what you read here about the BS being partly responsible....don't believe it. You are partly responsible for the problems in the marriage, but never for his choice to cheat. Remember that.
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