Talldude Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I need advice and really would appreciate some help and feedback. My ex broke up with me over two years ago and we had been with each other for a year. She went travelling when we broke up the first time and then got back in contact and we ended up together again. It didn’t last and we ended the second time a lot worse than the first and there was one serious issue that made it too hard to cope with as much as I tried. She wasn’t the same person and we argued all the time until I sent an email that completely closed any chance of reconciliation, We didn’t speak for over two years and she got back in touch with me and said she missed having me in her life etc. Gave it a try because I was single and even though we argued a lot and had a lot of problems, essentially I loved her and haven’t loved anyone since. We got on great and I even went to see her where she lives. Nothing happened and we just re-connected. After the visit I began feeling sparks and we were on the phone most days and I have gradually started falling for her again. Now it’s a case that I think Im feeling the same l felt for her as before. I think she knows and she’s started pulling back. I don’t want to lose her but I don’t want to go through the pain of it all not working out again. I can’t just go NC because she’s been through some really tough times and I said I would be around. Im so confused as to what the next step is and what I should do.
TaraMaiden Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 THis. Will. never. go. ANYWHERE. She has you well and truly consigned to a back-burner and is hurling breadcrumbs at you like there's no tomorrow. Well, buddy, you're sucking it up to the extent that you are ensuring the only tomorrow you have, will be as a puppy rolling over for her. Tell her that you consider this relationship well and truly over, UNLESS she actually says to you: "I made the most terrible mistake, I want to try again, we should go to counselling together, and be determined to make this work, whatever happens. I want to commit to you 100% here and now, and have you as my SO for ever and a day." Unless she says this - Run. Fast. In the opposite direction. But first - read the No Contact guide in my signature, print it out, learn it, memorise it, engrave it on your heart and live by it. 100%. 100% of the time.
Simon Attwood Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Sounds like a serial runner.... Having said that though; worrying about what negative might come along in the future, nearly always ends up becoming a self fulfilling prophecy. Try to keep your mind in the present and respond to the present and you may discover a different outcome from the expected one.... This is part of what is meant by "Mindfulness" in Buddhism, and it involves (pinched from Wiki..); bringing one's awareness to focus on experience within the mind at the present moment (from the past, the future, or some disconnected train of thought). By paying close attention to the present experience, practitioners begin to see both inner and outer aspects of reality as aspects of the mind. Internally, one sees that the mind is continually full of chattering with commentary or judgement. By noticing that the mind is continually making commentary, one has the ability to carefully observe those thoughts, seeing them for what they are without aversion or judgment. Those practicing mindfulness realize that "thoughts are just thoughts." One is free to release a thought ("let it go") when one realizes that the thought may not be concrete reality or absolute truth. Thus, one is free to observe life without getting caught in the commentary. Many "voices" or messages may speak to one within the "vocal" (discursive) mind. It is important to be aware that the messages one hears during "thinking" are simply discursive habit and that the real point of practice is distinguishing different types of experience from the context (mind) within which they occur. you would be surprised how much influence we bring to bear upon events in our future that we have the mistaken belief were outside of our control, but were rather, unconsciously, heavily influenced by our actions and reactions based upon our perception and interpretations that were inturn, influenced by these "discursive thoughts".
DustySaltus Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 THis. Will. never. go. ANYWHERE. She has you well and truly consigned to a back-burner and is hurling breadcrumbs at you like there's no tomorrow. Well, buddy, you're sucking it up to the extent that you are ensuring the only tomorrow you have, will be as a puppy rolling over for her. Tell her that you consider this relationship well and truly over, UNLESS she actually says to you: "I made the most terrible mistake, I want to try again, we should go to counselling together, and be determined to make this work, whatever happens. I want to commit to you 100% here and now, and have you as my SO for ever and a day." Unless she says this - Run. Fast. In the opposite direction. But first - read the No Contact guide in my signature, print it out, learn it, memorise it, engrave it on your heart and live by it. 100%. 100% of the time. As always I agree with this. But I will add that unless she is also willing to work out the problems that broke you up in the first place it will never work. Her "running" issues will never go away unless SHE makes a concerted effort to make them go away HERSELF. Don't enable her by always being there when she need needs you. Again, I completely agree with Tara. Unless she says the words above, you HAVE to stick to NC.
nomad0792 Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 Tara's right. She will never give you the respect you deserve if you don't make a stand. She will respect you more for it. The person who controls the relationship is the one who needs the relationship the least. Basically, you must be willing to lose her to gain any balance IMO. And that's not a guarantee, but it will increase your chances of getting your balls back. Trust me, I'm not just pulling this out of my arse. I've been there and it sux, but you will only perpetuate your pain if you continue down this path of being her crutch. Good luck my brother. You have my support.
Author Talldude Posted January 31, 2010 Author Posted January 31, 2010 Well its been a few days and we're back together and all is very good! Shes a fantastic girl and we both love each other very much. She came up at the weekend and we had a great talk and now shes looking for work in my town to move up. She admitted being cold but only because she was scared of me not wanting to be with her anymore. I guess in my situation you were wrong Tara! Gladly so for me! I wouldnt have said I was a puppy rolling over but someone that treats a the person they have been in love with for such a long time with respect honesty and without playing games. I value myself too but no contact was not an option in this case and Im glad I didnt follow it.
Recommended Posts