sedgwick Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I am DEEPLY discouraged by a lot of what I'm reading on here from men -- story after story of having had a woman who loved them deeply and treated them well, and in return they treated her like sh*t. (And yes, of course I know there are men who have been treated this way by women, but the ones voicing it seem to be male.) So of course I'm now beating the hell out of myself for how much I loved my ex, thinking he can't possibly have any respect for me because I loved him and I told him. Guys, if a woman tells you she loves you, do you automatically start being as cruel to her as possible? And if so, why? I feel like I'm supposed to be evil to the next guy (ha, like there's going to be one!) even if I love him. Like I'm supposed to hide my feelings and play the b*tch game. And that, of course, just exhausts me, and makes me never want to even try, because I'm not allowed to be honest or do anything nice for a man if I want to keep him around. God, I feel SO stupid and discouraged and humiliated now, like OF COURSE that's why he left. It makes me want to hide under the covers out of embarrassment.
single Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I haven't really notice these stories of men treating there ex like sh*t but have noticed a lot like me who were dumped because they didn't listen to their ex for a long time. Also I would say a lot of men will put 100% of the blame for the failed relationship on themselves when in reality it never is all one persons fault. I didn't listen and she had already moved on in her head by the time she ended the relationship and maybe even onto a new guy so that is what I have learnt listen more and pay attention to your relationship every day but after a few months of feeling sorry for myself and beating myself up I now understand and accept that she isn't some godess and isn't perfect either. So it's a choice sit about feeling sorry for myself and wait with false hope for her to want me back or keep crawling forward and try and find a place in this life that makes me happy because i deserve to be happy as do we all. You have to let them go.
Left in a Lurch Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I agree with single. I think a lot of guys that post like that try to rationalize things and take the full blame because they think if they were 100% at fault, they can control the situation to get her back. In reality they may have done things out of anger in response to something the woman did etc., and are probably lessening the womans role or ignoring flaws of the relationship that fell on both people. Like she flirted with other guys, he got pissed, they had a blow-up. He may have acted like a jerk, but they leave out underlying reasons or look back with rose-colored glasses at how she may have acted. I think you have to read those posts with a grain of salt as the guy is trying to be as contrite as possible. I like when a woman is into me and admits it. It's a lot easier to be myself which means she can judge the real me upfront instead of 6 months down the road thinking, "this guy is not who I thought he was". Don't play the evil game, nobody wins that game. If you are an open person, be that open person and don't try to pretend to be someone else because in the long run the guy will figure out who you really are and still judge you on that. You'd just delay the inevitable. You loved the guy and he didn't have the same level of feelings for you. It doesn't make you "stupid" nor should you be "embarrassed" and there is no reason to be humiliated. It makes you someone in a relationship that didn't work out like millions of other people. You can't control how you feel about someone, so there is nothing to blame yourself over.
DustySaltus Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Sedgwick, I understand what you you are saying. I want you to understand that I did this only once and it was one of the biggest mistakes I ever made. I needed to learn my lesson and I did. I apologized to her and she wanted nothing to do with me. That's something I have to live with. I was immature and not capable of reciprocating her feelings at the time. I had a lot of growing up to do. But because of what happened with her, I will NEVER let that happen again.
Woggle Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Many men go trough the exact same thing. The whole concept of women hating nice guys might be too broad a generalization but it didn't just come from nowhere. Some men today have the idea that treating a woman like crap is the only way to keep her attracted to you.
dietpepsi Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I would say that it could also be both men and women that would scared away. But maybe he has a commitment phobia, or at least now? Did he ever talk long term?
DiscoChick Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I said in another thread that I have been where sedgwick was. I don't know what could make a person do something along these lines. People are just confusing. I thought about shielding myself in future relationships but then I think it is unfair to other men. Why shouldn't I let them have the entire experience of my love? I think the risk of hurt is worth it.
WantToFixIt Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 So of course I'm now beating the hell out of myself for how much I loved my ex, thinking he can't possibly have any respect for me because I loved him and I told him. Maybe it's time to stop beating the hell out of yourself. Can you look back before you met him and say that you were happy? I would think if you looked long and hard you would find you symptoms of unhappiness before you met him. Are you really worse off now than you were then? Respect yourself. Respecting yourself means caring enough about yourself to be honest with yourself. Be honest about what beating yourself up for years is doing to your self image and your soul. You want to love and feel loved - and you will. It was and is always ok to tell somebody that you love them. This is deeper than him now and you need to respect and love yourself by making yourself the priority. Look at the causes of your hurt, your dissatisfaction. There ARE things you can do, you sound intelligent, compassionate and caring. You have inner beauty that is muted under your covers.. I don't mean to preach but 2 1/2 years is too long to hurt and it is not fair. Break this cycle. I don't know what will work for you but it is time to try. Your soul is precious, unique, beautiful, rare and delicate. It's drifting - reclaim it. Take care of it and someday it will do the same for you.
McGrupp Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 ur a belly dancer with tatoos right? u want another rocker bf? go get one. im sure dudes would be all over you. go out and enjoy your life. 2+ years hung up on a guy? i get it. ill be hung up on my ex for awhile. and im not saying you havent tried. but your probably hot. real hot. go out man. go and meet that next new guy. cmon now!
Author sedgwick Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 ur a belly dancer with tatoos right? u want another rocker bf? go get one. im sure dudes would be all over you. go and meet that next new guy. cmon now! I had one brief crush in the past 2.5 years. I told him, and he ignored me for three days and then finally sent me a text telling me he felt no attraction to me. It just crushed me more. Yes, I'm a bellydancer with tattoos, but I still seem to be completely unacceptable and undesirable. At this point I just don't want to bother anyone making them be around me, so I just stay in my apartment except to go to rehearsals/performances and to run brief errands. I feel it's probably better that way. I used to go out all the time, but I can count on one hand the number of times I've gone out since he left.
Author sedgwick Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 What style of belldance do you do? Tribal fusion.
McGrupp Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I used to go out all the time, but I can count on one hand the number of times I've gone out since he left. what? where you at...im picking you up and we are hitting the town. i hope not the UK. i hate the Euro...
Author sedgwick Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 what? where you at...im picking you up and we are hitting the town. i hope not the UK. i hate the Euro... New York City. American but used to live in the UK and adore the English. Thanks for the offer...I decline most invites in case there are musicians present. I don't want to bother them by being in the same room with them!
annxxdisaster Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Do you dance as a group like they do in ATS? I took a class last semester for ATS, and I'm taking it again this semester. I would really love nothing more than to actually become good at it and perform and all that great stuff. My teacher and her troupe...whenever I watch them dance it's amazing. Not only that but I love the sisterhood vibe it gives off. You seem like you've been doing it for a while, it's safe to assume that you're amazing and especially with all the tattoos and everything--ugh, you have no idea how jealous I am. Just from the bits I have read about you, you're being down on yourelf for no reason. I mean, I'd die to be a great dancer, good/limber enough to teach yoga, have a bunch of neat tattoos, have a book--I mean, I hardly know you at all and I really want to call you my hero. Please don't de-amaze yourself, for one...it can't happen and secondly, it's making me sad.
Author sedgwick Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 Do you dance as a group like they do in ATS? You seem like you've been doing it for a while, it's safe to assume that you're amazing and especially with all the tattoos and everything--ugh, you have no idea how jealous I am. I'm in a company that does both improv and choreo. It's not traditional ATS, though I have traveled to SF a few times to study with Carolena from Fat Chance. I've been dancing for about six years. Anybody can get tattooed, that's no biggie. I am the farthest thing in the world from amazing, really. I mean, in my ex's eyes, I'm worth nothing more than throwing away. I can achieve all I want but it doesn't really mean anything to me now. I'll still never be good enough for him to even speak to.
GrayClouds Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 (edited) I am DEEPLY discouraged by a lot of what I'm reading on here from men -- story after story of having had a woman who loved them deeply and treated them well, and in return they treated her like sh*t. (And yes, of course I know there are men who have been treated this way by women, but the ones voicing it seem to be male.) So of course I'm now beating the hell out of myself for how much I loved my ex, thinking he can't possibly have any respect for me because I loved him and I told him. Guys, if a woman tells you she loves you, do you automatically start being as cruel to her as possible? And if so, why? I feel like I'm supposed to be evil to the next guy (ha, like there's going to be one!) even if I love him. Like I'm supposed to hide my feelings and play the b*tch game. And that, of course, just exhausts me, and makes me never want to even try, because I'm not allowed to be honest or do anything nice for a man if I want to keep him around. God, I feel SO stupid and discouraged and humiliated now, like OF COURSE that's why he left. It makes me want to hide under the covers out of embarrassment. Could it be your subconsciously attracted to guys who really are not available on a emotional level? Check out the book "Dance of Intimacy" Edited January 21, 2010 by GrayClouds
McGrupp Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 super creepy but ill be in NYC this weekend!! even if u dont want to this weekend im taking you out one night. stictly platonic!...but you need to get out!
Author sedgwick Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 super creepy but ill be in NYC this weekend!! even if u dont want to this weekend im taking you out one night. stictly platonic!...but you need to get out! Thanks, but I don't go out. I appreciate it though!
Author sedgwick Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 Could it be your subconsciously attracted to guys who really are not available on a emotional level? I don't know. I know that the first night I hung out with my ex he said, "I wouldn't date me." And I know that right before me he dated a girl for eight months but never had sex with her because he only sleeps with people he loves. When we talked about her he said, "Yeah, I really broke her heart." And then one night we were talking about how many people we knew named Sarah (that was his ex's name and is also the name of both my dance teachers), and we were listing people but he didn't mention her, and I said, "Well, there's your ex Sarah," and he said, "Oh yeah, I forgot about her," and he laughed. He had two exes who were fiddle players. One of them dumped him and he was really depressed about it. I remember one night, when I had already started liking him, he invited me to one of his gigs. He said, "Both my current sort-of girlfriend (Sarah) and my ex-fiddle-player (Michelle) will be there, so you can watch me squirm." I should never have gone -- I mean, the current gf, the ex, and the girl waiting in the wings? It's too much ego stroking and I feel like an idiot that I went. Michelle told me later, after he dumped me, that the reason she broke up with him was that she could never get him to talk about anything but himself, and he took her to an old-time music festival and then refused to play with her because he could play with her anytime, and there were better fiddle players there. As for the other fiddle player gf, she was in his best friend's band, and they decided she wasn't a good enough fiddle player for them and kicked her out. The same day, he dumped her. She apparently thought they were madly in love and was really destroyed, like me. HOWEVER...he did have one gf he really loved, and he said that when she dumped him he "was a mess for a year." The thing is, she was just a writer, like me. But he loved her, and that really messes with my head, because he read my writing and still dumped me, so all I can assume is that she was a better writer and he could therefore stay with her. I worry every day that he's forgotten me like he forgot Sarah. At this point I'd be shocked if he still remembered me.
McGrupp Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 ugh. look why are you rehashing petty conversations? just move on. hes not coming back. what else is there to do? i know...go out! and then meet a guy that plays a real instrument like a GUITAR or DRUMS or even Mandolin or upright bass...but fiddle? the dude dumped you because you didnt play the fiddle? im not sure if you can really blame yourself. be happy your not with him, he looks and sounds like a loser and move on to bigger and better musicians. jeez you live in the coolest city in the world, and you cant meet another better looking cool musician who will adore you and make you wonder why you wasted all this time? i bet you can was this your first reltionship? if you dumped him would you feel the same? is it just the blow to your ego? im not sure. but you have to let go. stop rehashing memories.
Author sedgwick Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 i know...go out! and then meet a guy that plays a real instrument like... upright bass. jeez you live in the coolest city in the world, and you cant meet another better looking cool musician who will adore you and make you wonder why you wasted all this time? was this your first reltionship? if you dumped him would you feel the same? is it just the blow to your ego? He DOES play upright bass. He just wants to BE WITH a fiddle player. The guy on whom I had a crush, who rejected me? Drummer. No, it wasn't my first relationship. I'm 38. It's the biggest blow to my ego ever -- I gave the very best of me, everything I had to give, and it wasn't good enough. So what do I have to offer anyone? Nothing. I think part of the reason nobody wants me is my body. I'm not skinny, and in a city full of emaciated models, guys don't even look at girls like me who have T&A and stuff.
McGrupp Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 alright i dont know what to tell you. match.com thats all i have if your going to keep blaming yourself for stuff you couldnt even handle. and btw, i want a musician is a bs line. he just used a bs line on you. but ya know, the more you feel like your a loser the more it becomes a self fufilling prophecy. im 25 and went out with a 37 yr old the other night from one of my improv classes. she was great and happy where she is in life... there are plenty of men in NYC. im telling you...
PinkToes Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Sedg, your ex didn't leave because you were too nice or too loving. And he didn't leave because you're not a musician. He left because he didn't feel like being in a relationship anymore. His dishonesty about that, and the way he treated you at the end, make him a jackass, in my mind. Someone recently posted a list of all the unpleasant things about this guy; stuff you posted in the past. This is the truth. And he wouldn't have stayed if you treated him like crap, but if he did, would it really be worth it? I'd be the last person to tell you to "just get over it" because I'm not over my ex, and it's been more than a year for me, too. Lately I've started to wonder whether I will ever feel myself again, or whether this heartbreak was just too much; whether it pushed me over the edge. I can't even imagine loving anyone else again, and when I start to think about that, I shudder in fear over the potential for pain. I'm just not sure I can do that again; put my heart out there. So I do get some of what you're struggling with. But there is one thing that has helped me cope, I think, and that is to be brutally honest with myself about what he really was. I still love him with all my heart, but he wasn't perfect. He didn't leave because of anything I did wrong, and neither did Joe. I know there are men who would treat me better; keep their promises, communicate better. My ex is an amazing man, but he doesn't walk on water, and neither does Joe. I loved a man who at times, probably didn't deserve my patience and understanding. Maybe I should have played the bitch at times; held back on my expressions of love. But that wasn't me, and it isn't you. It's hard to do so much for someone you love and be told it isn't enough. But even that isn't about you; it's about them. People leave because they're no longer willing to stay. Sometimes it's just as simple as that. I'm doing everything I can to try to get over my ex, but I'm not there yet. I am still in love with him. And even more tragic, I know he still loves me. But we're not together. I know there are men better suited to me, but he's still the one I want. I'm trying to figure out why that is myself. Is it just because I love him and want to be with him, or is there some part of me that doesn't think I deserve better? So to your original post, I would just encourage you to stay true to the loving, amazing woman you are, and don't ever hesitate to let people know how you feel. And as for Joe, remind yourself to take a few good kicks at the pedestal every once in awhile. Because he didn't deserve you, and he doesn't deserve the reverence that sometimes leaks out in his direction. Take care.
Author sedgwick Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 match.com there are plenty of men in NYC. im telling you... The one and only time I ever tried internet dating, I ended up with a stalker! Way too scared to ever try anything like that again. And yes, there are tons of men in NYC, but like I said, I'm not anorexic, so they're not looking at me!!!
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