Fitness Dude Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I'm an intelligent guy. Someone who's always been in control of their life and although this has been the most trying time of my life I was coping. Lately, I've grown tired of talking about the divorce, the issues that led to the divorce, and anything thereof. I went through all the stages. At first, when I wasn't sure what was going to happen I kept it a secret. Then when it became time to tell my family I let it all out and dealt with all those reprecussions. Then, finally, after so much effort on my part to make the relationship work, I realized that she just doesn't love me the way I love her and went to NC (10 days before Cmas). What if NC, the 180, Homer, etc. - what if all that works in 99% of the situations, but not in my own? What if what I was supposed to do was keep showing her how much she meant to me and how much the marriage meant to me? What if everything I did was wrong,, and had I done it differently we would have been on the path to recovery? Lately I've begun to think about the worst. The thing that I never thought I would ever think about and when I heard of people in this place I asked how you would ever think of doing that. I've grown tired of talking, and explaining everything to friends and family. I don't even want to see friends and family right now, why should my depression bring everyone around me down? That doesn't seem fair to all those people. I can't believe I'm typing this. I can't believe it's come to this I don't want to feel this way and it just doesn't seem to be getting better. If anything, it's getting worse - inexplicably and all of the sudden. I'm smart enough to know that SOMEDAY I'll feel better, but how on Earth can I wait that long, however long 'that long' is? Physically, a person can only take so much. I'm broken, beaten, and just really tired. For a guy who had everything going for him just 4 months ago, to this. I'm living in my own Greek tragedy, hubris is to blame. Is this God's plan for me, to make an example for other people so they realize how delicate life is? If that's the case, maybe it's supposed to be - all of this. I'm a hollow shell of what I once was, a less-defined mirror image, the reflection of who I was. I'm no longer the original, the one that exists without the glass. I can't believe it's come to this. The rediculousness of this post is exactly the kind of thing I once scoffed at. It's a virtual version of the failed suicide attempt, a cry for help, my need for attention? I don't even know myself anymore as bizzarre as that may seem. I'm not going to do "it", but why am I even thinking about "it"? Why? I'm so tired to talking about all of this. Besides there isn't a person on Earth who understands, there's too much to it. It's like a story that no matter how you rearrange the chapters it still doesn't make sense. It has a beginning but my fear is that there will never be an "end", and that's where the similarities to a "story" cease. And all of this simply because of a text message from her. I never ask for help from anyone, but right now, I've never needed more help than I do right now. Someone write something that MEANS something to me. Something that "speaks to me" and makes me understand all of this. At this point - reaching out to complete strangers across the digital divide is all I feel like I have left, sad but true. I need help (words that have never come out of my mouth).
sedgwick Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Is this God's plan for me, to make an example for other people so they realize how delicate life is? If that's the case, maybe it's supposed to be - all of this. Has nothing whatsoever to do with "God." It's all about human behavior and the cruel things humans do to each other. It's not like there's some all-powerful being out there controlling her every action so you will be made an example of. SHE controls what she does; likewise, so can you. It's time to get to know yourself, completely independent of her. That's a difficult task, but one for which you will ultimately be stronger. Self-actualization is a beautiful thing! Hang in there -- it can only get better, right?
Author Fitness Dude Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 My post sounds so pathetic now that I read it again. I can't help but feel so helpless though. After weeks of getting stronger, I have the HUGE setback. I hate this hopelessness.
dietpepsi Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 My post sounds so pathetic now that I read it again. I can't help but feel so helpless though. After weeks of getting stronger, I have the HUGE setback. I hate this hopelessness. Read that post when you're feeling low, and then you will realize how you have come along, the more disgusting it looks to you, the stronger you are becoming. Keep your chin up!
DiscoChick Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Has nothing whatsoever to do with "God." It's all about human behavior and the cruel things humans do to each other. It's not like there's some all-powerful being out there controlling her every action so you will be made an example of. SHE controls what she does; likewise, so can you. It's time to get to know yourself, completely independent of her. That's a difficult task, but one for which you will ultimately be stronger. Self-actualization is a beautiful thing! Hang in there -- it can only get better, right? Also read this ^^^ when you read your own post. Take it to heart.
Howitzer Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I feel like I was in the same spot as you, a little while back. Life was awesome. Then I got crushed. Felt suicidal. But now I'm getting past it. If you have trouble believing that there's a future with happiness in it, you can look to me for reassurance. This isn't something you can feel is going to happen. You just have to believe in it blindly, and eventually, it does happen.
DustySaltus Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Why should you feel pathetic? You're not the one who quit on the relationship. The fact that you are posting here shows that you do care and you do want to get better. That process begins and ends with you, not anyone else. I've been through a broken engagement after I thought I would spend the rest of my life with the person. I has made so may mistakes earlier on in my life and I said to myslef that I would do whatever it takes to make things work with her. So I picked up everything and moved half way across the world. It wasn't good enough. She never trusted me and I thought it was because of something I did wrong. I wore myself out thinking it was all my fault. I would stay up all night questioning every day of the relationship. What could I have done better? What should I have said and what shouldn't I have said. And then you realized that it had nothing to do with you. You didn't quit on the relationship. You wanted to work things out just like I did. Even after things became so toxic I still wanted to try and be a hero. I lost my identity in the process. But I was someone in the 26 years before I became involved with her and I am somehting now. Sure, I started off as a shell of my former self but a little bit at a time you start to see the bigger picture. You start to realize that there is someone out there who's a better fit for you. And I know you may not want to hear that right now but the truth is that they do exist. They just pop up out of the blue and usually at a time where you can truly appreciate them. I've been where you are, thinking about "it" but those feelings will pass soon. It's a natural reaction and it's not pathetic at all. Any feelings at all whether good or bad show that you do care and have the capacity to love again. I know the situation sucks right now but do not blame yourself. The future is whatever you want it to be.
GrayClouds Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 FD first of all your human and that is what your learning. Asking for help is a sign of strength not weakness. These are likely just yourself telling you that it is time to find a better solution. That you are ready to move on from this period of pain to a place of healing. Second this pain and feeling of out of control that your feeling is part of a natural chemical reaction to the stress your under. Just as you feel great ofter a good work out with all that endorphin rushing your brain, right now you have other hormones storming your brain like cortisol, GH and norepinephrine. They make it almost impossible not to feel anxiety, obsessiveness and depression. Yor body chemistry is in auto pilot of "fight or flight" mode. So your not comming apart, and there is things you can do to minimize this reaction. To help move beyond this pain to a place of progression there are many option out there. Are you still working out, specially some hard cardo to get the endorphins going? Start journaling, write down those thought with pen and paper. Right hard and fast and until you can write anymore. Write what ever comes to mind and then do it again the next night. Eat well, makes sure your eating regularly and of quality, if not it just creates more stress on the system. Are you reading anything helpful? I would suggest "Journal from Abandonment to Healing" By Susan Anderson. Where reading is help is that it helps to focus the mind on something beside what has happen to thinking about what you need. Are you talking got a professional? Maybe it is time to entertain looking into some temporary meds; natural or prescription to help the body start functioning like it is suppose to. Doing this stuff help. Good Luck and keep posting.
Author Fitness Dude Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 You all have such good advice. I've gotten strength from it over the course of the last 4 months. It's just like all the stories before me where it all goes to &^%$. I get a text message from her after WEEKS of NC. She contacts me about something and I'm jettisoned right back into the seas of depression and hope. God, I never thought the word hope could be so negative, but it has become such an evil mistress to me. We've been texting back and forth about the formalities of the divorce and because I come back with calm, collected responses she gets defensive with me and starts asking why I'm acting this way? Asking why I'm making it harder for her......what? I'm making it hard for you? It's sooooooooooooooo frustrating to go through this. She continually gives me mixed signals, I hate it! I just can't believe this is happening to me, I'm still struggling with the whole concept of divorce altogether. Thank you all for the positive encouragement. Why is it so hard to find someone you can trust when the world in littered with these "landmine-women". Love / Marriage is a choice, not always a feeling. You have to work on the "feeling" part from time to time. It waxes and wanes, but you have to believe in it! ARGGGHGHGHGHGH! So frustrating.
Dtali07 Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Hang in there. Even though you are going through a lot of pain, just keep in mind that you will get through this. When you feel the despair coming on, just pray to God that He will help you to make it. Go to the library or bookstore and buy "The Road Less Traveled" and any other self-help book that can give you some insight and take your mind off the hurt. God bless - I really feel for your hurt.
Serena2009 Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Love / Marriage is a choice, not always a feeling. You have to work on the "feeling" part from time to time. It waxes and wanes, but you have to believe in it! ARGGGHGHGHGHGH! So frustrating. Hey there Fitness Dude, I have personal expereince with LT marriage and divorce, although its not what brought me to LS. What brought me to LS was a stupid and crazy recent relationship with a CP and your post has snapped me back to realize how insignificant that was when compared to the relationship of marriage and a breakup through divorce. Anyway, and more importantly, I'll do anything within my power to help you through this. You are very correct and very mature to realize that "Love / Marriage is a choice, not always a feeling. You have to work on the "feeling" part from time to time. It waxes and wanes, but you have to believe in it!" Unfortunately, not every individual gets to this level in life . . . be happy with and proud of yourself that you've evolved to a level to understand and know this!! You rock!! Regarding your earlier post and beating yourself up with would have, could have, should have . . . don't even go there . . . it's pointless . . . there's two sides to this equation and you can't carry the whole load even if you want to!! It's impossible!! Unfortunately, when it comes to romantic relationships, it only takes one person to bust it up whether they have a valid reason or not. And even if you would have, could have, should have anything, you'd end up with the same outcome if she wasn't willing to work on it and she wanted out. What's up with her contact through text messages?? Is she indicating a willingness to work on things or just crapping all over you?? I'm asking because it's been my experience that it's the dumpee that usually does this kind of crapping all over the other when a marriage breaks up. I've rarely heard of it happening in the reverse. Stay strong. Keep your chin up. And stop should-ing all over yourself. K. You'll get through this!! We all do and you will too!! I promise!! PS. Lots of people benefit from counseling when going through the breakup of a marriage. I don't know, maybe you're already using this option.
PinkToes Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 I have felt every word you've written. I don't like admitting it either. Knowing in your head that you will find yourself again doesn't mean a damn thing. Doesn't stop the bleeding that makes you secretly wish you won't survive long enough to know for sure. I am so very sorry. Please just know you aren't alone. You didn't do anything wrong. You don't deserve this pain. But also know that the setbacks that make you feel like you're back at square one aren't really sending you back to square one; it just looks that way right now. You are in the "one step back" portion of that nasty little dance of life. Hang in there, for the moment. Do whatever you need to do to keep the clock moving forward. Screw her mixed signals and whatever anyone else thinks you should be doing or saying or not saying. There aren't enough people in this world who understand that love is a decision and not a feeling. Please don't lose that, just because she couldn't hold up her end of the deal. Keep breathing. Keep moving. Wait it out. You can do this.
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