ashtree Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Hi, new here and looking for a bit of advice Here’s my story I met a girl in college about 7 years ago. I new the instant I saw her that she was for me and I needed her in my life. We got quite close but nothing really happened and after college we drifted apart. About 6 and a half years later, thanks to the internet we got in touch again. She had just had a messy break up. She started calling me and texting me 20/30 times a day, but I was heavily involved in a project and didn’t have time for her at that time (which I told her). When my project was finished, we started hanging out but she said that the space I gave her made her realise that she needed her own space. Anyway, we got together at the beginning of December but then last week she said she made a mistake and wasn’t ready for anything but wants to be friends Basically my question is this. If she wants to be friends, does that mean she’s waiting to get over her ex, then have a relationship with me? I cant work it out. She has a very big heart, so I’m thinking that if we’re friends, then she cant start seeing other people because she knows that’ll upset me. I want to give her space but I don’t want to stop seeing her as because then she might think I don’t care about her anymore Thanks in advance
TaraMaiden Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Oh ferchrissakes.... "You say potayto, and I say potahto".... Have you ever thought of actually sitting down with her and having a discussion about this? The one person - above any other - who could tell you how it is with her - is her. The one person - above any other - who could tell her how it is with you - is you. Communication. Please - try it. You've spent a long time, and completed a project. That took brains, dedication, concentration and logic. This takes the same. Go to it, bud!
maliks32 Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 If you are looking to be in a relationship with her I would give her the space she is asking for. She was calling you for a reason. There are qualities that you have that she likes. By giving her space she will have the time to inward and she will be able to see things more clearly which could mean that she will see your qualities in a more positive light and give you a shot.
dietpepsi Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 She may have feelings for you, but may also realize it would be unfair to you to start a relationship right now in her current state. If you really don't mind being friends, then carry on the way you have been. If you don't want to be friends, but would rather be with this girl, you will probably need to disappear a little bit, and maintain LC. I don't think you don't want to be her emotional crutch during this period. good luck!
carhill Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 IMO, you're her tampon. BTDT, many times. Classic. If she's truly a friend, your relationship success will matter to her. Don't let your attraction to her color the true nature of what's going on. If you've had true female friends, you'll know what I'm talking about. Move on to a woman with whom something does 'happen'.
HLP234 Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 If you are not hurt and neither is she, than I don't see the problem in being her friend. Being her friend doesn't give her the privilege of texting you all day or talking to you everyday about something. If you are gonna be a friend, keep LC and just keep everything to the point, and concise. Like dietpepsi said, you can't be her rebound or someone she can cry to..that may make her have mixed feelings for you, get into something with you, and then later realize, when she is back to normal that you were just a person who was there for her and she won't have the same feelings.
CaliGuy Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Basically my question is this. If she wants to be friends, does that mean she’s waiting to get over her ex, then have a relationship with me? It means she wants you as a BACKUP plan. It means she wants to be able to validate herself by contacting you when she has rough spots with OTHER men. It means she wants to relieve any guilt by breaking it off with you ("See? We're still buddies so now I don't have to feel bad.") Almost all of the reasons an ex will have for remaining friends are for THEIR selfish benefit, not yours. An ex who truly loved and cared about you as a person (even though they are not IN love with you) will put their own selfish needs aside and allow you to move on with your life by leaving you alone.
OndaChin Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 It means she wants you as a BACKUP plan. It means she wants to be able to validate herself by contacting you when she has rough spots with OTHER men. It means she wants to relieve any guilt by breaking it off with you ("See? We're still buddies so now I don't have to feel bad.") Almost all of the reasons an ex will have for remaining friends are for THEIR selfish benefit, not yours. An ex who truly loved and cared about you as a person (even though they are not IN love with you) will put their own selfish needs aside and allow you to move on with your life by leaving you alone. Message APPROVED BY "NUTz OndaChin". "I've been 'the friend' that she's asking you to be for her and It NEVER works to your benefit" It's curious- My ex pulled the same deal when she was hurt by another man. Ofcourse, I was the best 'Option' going for her at that time and when that served her purpose (emotionally)- I was then cast aside and forgotten. Life's a REAL Bitch sometime.
quankanne Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I'm throwing my vote in with Cali's answer. First red flag is your comment "She started calling me and texting me 20/30 times a day" ... uh, that just sounds obsessive, and just not right. then to be told she wants to be friends? In my book, that means I don't want the guy as a boyfriend, but I want to be able to call him up and hang out at any given time, and oh, BTW, if I need a guy to stand with me at some social event, he's not gonna turn me down because he's my friend. I’m thinking that if we’re friends, then she cant start seeing other people because she knows that’ll upset me uh, no. It means she's got you as a back-up, but she intends to live her life as usual, and won't think twice about seeing other guys if she's interested, because you're only a friend.
HLP234 Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Yeh being her friend will just cause problems for you if you are not completely over her. Before you know it she has no more guilt and is telling you about the guy she is with. I'm sure you don't want to think or hear about that. I would just keep clear and not communicate with her until both of you are completely over each other.
nomad0792 Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 SHE'S ASKING YOU TO BE HER TRAINING WHEELS!!!! Don't do it if you know it'll hurt you. Seeing the woman you love going out with other men is not a good thing. MOVE ON!!!
vkoch79 Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 It won't work. I know i've done it. Friends with bennifits, will come to an end eventually and someone will have to take the next step. I just did that. You have to just cut the ties. I know its hard beeelieveee me. It only causes more pain if you drag it out longer. I know.
Author ashtree Posted January 26, 2010 Author Posted January 26, 2010 hi everybody. firstly, thanks for your replies. really appreciate it. ive done NC for two weeks now, but it still hurts. she actually phoned me the other day and asked if i wanted to come to her place. i couldnt because i was busy (but i would have). then that night she phoned me again quite late (she was out drinking). i didnt answer. but it made me think, 'what is she thinking?' so my plan of action is this: become her friend. see what happens over the next couple of months. and if still nothing, and the pain is still there, im going to tell her exactly how i feel, and disapear from her life if she doesnt change her mind and take me back. do you think this is a good plan thanks again
CaliGuy Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 do you think this is a good plan No. It's a stupid plan. You're simply going to delay your healing while she gets some emotional need met by you while she's getting her physical needs met by some other guy. If you want to be a door mat, your currently mentality has you on the path to complete "door mat nice guy" world. Non stop, first class.
cg27 Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 If she wants to be friends fine. I would see how much you two communicate, and how it goes. It means she still has feelings for you, and can't cut all ties with you. I would use your best judgement, and take things slower at her pace. Show her you are really working on yourself, and make yourself a better person. This will show strength to her. If you notice she is trying to move on, and don't communicate much let her, and if she starts missing you she will come back. If things are going well ask her to go out on a date. Make it simple, but something she will remember. If you can find a place where you had a goodtime in the past even better.
skydiveaddict Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 No. It's a stupid plan. You're simply going to delay your healing while she gets some emotional need met by you while she's getting her physical needs met by some other guy. If you want to be a door mat, your currently mentality has you on the path to complete "door mat nice guy" world. Non stop, first class. listen to caliguy. he's right you're being used as a doormat. "Never accept the consolation prize of friendship" (alphamale)
alphamale Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 Basically my question is this. If she wants to be friends, does that mean she’s waiting to get over her ex, then have a relationship with me? no, it means she doesn't want a relationship with you
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