johnkim Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I’m not here to complain about my situation because frankly, I live a decent life. However, there are other people who are less fortunate than me and their fate seem to be determined as soon as they were born. Some people’s life simply sucks: they were born with defective genes, illness, poor family, and etc. Why do these people have to suffer for things they didn’t “deserve”? My ideal of “You determine your own destiny” seems to be in conflict with the reality of “What you do might not actually matter”. This dichotomy becomes larger as I get older and understand the world better. I guess I’m venting because a friend I love dearly was diagnosed with cancer. I really want to let it out because I couldn’t talk about this with my friends or family. I have been holding this inside me for almost a year now, and it’s a horrible feeling. She is young and going to turn 22 in 10 days. She is very smart and has been accepted into medical schools. Her future is so bright! She is the smartest woman I personally knew. I never knew I would enjoy the accompaniment of an overly intelligent woman but I did. Although sometimes I felt like an idiot when she pointed out my ridiculous claims, it’s still amazing that I can talk about anything without dumbing down the content. Before this, cancer seems to be something unreal. I knew it was serious but it didn’t mean much. It’s like hearing people dying in Middle East – it’s real but it seems so remote. We met in September 2008, and we had some sparks going on pretty quickly and gotten really close. However, what set us apart was our ideology: she is from Alberta and conservative; I’m fiscally conservative and socially liberal. We had some heated political debates where I got angry with her and stopped talking to her for awhile. Even though she lived next door to me, I didn’t know what happened to her until a mutual friend asked me to visit her in the hospital. When I saw her, I was heart-broken: she was pale and lost so much weight. After that visit, she moved back to her hometown and I haven’t seen her since. A year gone by, we sometimes exchange e-mails but I avoid asking her status because I don’t want to know. I feel like being shocked whenever I see something or someone that looks like or reminds me of her. There isn’t a day where I don’t think about her. Sometimes I try not to think about her. I still haven’t responded the e-mail she sent me 20 days ago. Secretly, I want her to like me. It’s fine if she doesn’t but I think the only way I can move on is when she is fully healed. I'm so distressed. What should I do?
Satisfaction Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 So you liked her but stopped talking to her because she seemed much more intelligent than you, so possibly out of your league but when she got sick and you realised she is only human, your feelings got reignited?
TaraMaiden Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I’m not here to complain about my situation because frankly, I live a decent life. However, there are other people who are less fortunate than me and their fate seem to be determined as soon as they were born. Some people’s life simply sucks: they were born with defective genes, illness, poor family, and etc. Why do these people have to suffer for things they didn’t “deserve”? First of all, 'suffering' is a personal projection and perception. What you consider 'suffering' others may view as something that might add to their lives and change them for the better.... Your perception of suffering may be accurate in some ways, but it's your description. All of Life, is Suffering.... because things are either the way we don't want them to be, and desire change, or things are the way we DO want them to be, and we'd like it to stay that way, but they never can. so you have to meet with triumph and Disaster, and treat those two Impostors, just the same.... My ideal of “You determine your own destiny” seems to be in conflict with the reality of “What you do might not actually matter”. You have free Will. but they say that Life is like a shopping trolley: You go partly where you want to, and partly where the damn thing takes you. So you wanted biscuits and candy instead of Household cleaners? deal with it .... I guess I’m venting because a friend I love dearly was diagnosed with cancer. I really want to let it out because I couldn’t talk about this with my friends or family. I have been holding this inside me for almost a year now, and it’s a horrible feeling. I guess the only more horrible feeling would be actually having it....huh? Wow, imagine that.... Before this, cancer seems to be something unreal. I knew it was serious but it didn’t mean much. It’s like hearing people dying in Middle East – it’s real but it seems so remote. No, what you mean is that such a cataclysimic event had never touched you personally. This has shattered your peaceful existence and rocked your 'decent Life'...you can't believe something like this has happened to you.... After that visit, she moved back to her hometown and I haven’t seen her since. A year gone by, we sometimes exchange e-mails but I avoid asking her status because I don’t want to know. Well, I'm gonna come right out and say it. you're selfish and self-centred. What you feel is absolutely nothing compared to what she's going through, and at a time when she could probably do with some kindness, understanding, support and compassion, all you can think about is that "You don't want to know?" I'm telling you, if I was she, and I learnt about your attitude, I'd tell you to go to hell. I feel like being shocked whenever I see something or someone that looks like or reminds me of her. There isn’t a day where I don’t think about her. Sometimes I try not to think about her. I still haven’t responded the e-mail she sent me 20 days ago. Secretly, I want her to like me. It’s fine if she doesn’t but I think the only way I can move on is when she is fully healed. Right. And if that happens to be when she's lying in a coffin, aren't you going to regret not moving on a bit sooner? How dare you? how dare you put yourself in a position where your sentiments, thoughts, emotions and well-being are more impoirtant than hers? Instead of spending time thinking about her - contact her. Tell her how much she means to you. be there for her. be strong for her. Be by her side. go through it with her. Live her life though her eyes and accompany her. because otherwise, I'm telling you, you're not worth the effort. I'm sorry, but this post is all about you, and how you feel, and how you react to her. Well, suck it up, because that's how I feel.
counterman Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I Right. And if that happens to be when she's lying in a coffin, aren't you going to regret not moving on a bit sooner? How dare you? how dare you put yourself in a position where your sentiments, thoughts, emotions and well-being are more impoirtant than hers? Instead of spending time thinking about her - contact her. Tell her how much she means to you. be there for her. be strong for her. Be by her side. go through it with her. Live her life though her eyes and accompany her. because otherwise, I'm telling you, you're not worth the effort. I'm sorry, but this post is all about you, and how you feel, and how you react to her. Well, suck it up, because that's how I feel. That really touched me TaraMaiden.. and I believe that's what you should do. I feel sorry for your friend, it must be extremely hard for her..but be there for her dude. Why haven't you contacted her 20 days?!? wtf?
torranceshipman Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I think you need to get in touch with her, and tell her how she's been on your mind and how you hope she is ok. No matter what her status (health), she will appreciate your concern. I found your post very sweet and your concern shines through. IMO life isn't always fair, but humans, as a race, should pull together to help those in need-then more things will be fair, and less people will suffer. Sometimes things end up not being fair, because humans are self-serving and because of (e.g) racism, your life isnt fair if you are a certain race, specifically because of the hatred and bitterness directed at you from other humans. There are racist and misogynistic posts on this board, for example, that provide good examples of that type of negativity. This is my view: sometimes our stars are in ascendence (good job, etc), sometimes we fall on bad times (health, etc). Take your friends with you when you rise, and they will pull you up when you fall. If we all did this as a society, the world would be so much better, fewer people would suffer, and even if bad things happened to a person, the love and compassion surrounding them would provide huge comfort and make the situation easier to bear.
Author johnkim Posted January 23, 2010 Author Posted January 23, 2010 (edited) Thanks for your replies. My initial reaction reading your replies were " why are you so harsh to me?". However, the more I think about them, the more I get to know your point. Maybe you are right. I guess I'm self-fish in a sense that my avoidance behaviour is a mechanism to protect myself from hurt and disappointment. I do care about her. I do ask her how is she feeling. But I try not to venture too deep into it because i believe thinking about it would be detrimental (the law of attraction). Besides, she doesn't like to talk about it because it always went sour whenever I steer the interaction towards that direction. You are right. I'm self-centered. On one hand, I want love. On the other hand, I put up a heavy fortification around my emotion. But can you please help me and tell me what should I do? Whenever I let my emotion run, I screw up everything: I become needy, jealous, emotional, and etc. To avoid those, I become detached. I guess I learned this behaviour from my past failed relationships where I always got too involved emotionally. Anyway, I've already drafted up an e-mail to her last night. I also want to visit her (3500 km away) but don't know if I should. You might again call me self-fish here but is it good to visit someone if she doesn't want it? Isn't it more detrimental to have an unwanted visitor?? Her birthday is also coming up in Jan29. Should I send her something? I sent her gifts twice: once this Christmas and once when she left home. Again, money is an non-issue. I just don't want to do things that creep/annoy people out. Please give me advice! Lastly, should I really tell her my real feelings? Should I let her know how much she means to me? I've done it before to another person and I sworn I would never do it again. Should I just tell her straight up that I really like her? I said it once but it wasn't a proper one. Edited January 23, 2010 by johnkim
TaraMaiden Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 Maybe you are right. I guess I'm self-fish in a sense that my avoidance behaviour is a mechanism to protect myself from hurt and disappointment. You really need to lay this objective aside. I could understand under normal circumstances, but this is not your usual run-of-the-mill situation, really, is it? I do care about her. I do ask her how is she feeling. But I try not to venture too deep into it because i believe thinking about it would be detrimental (the law of attraction). I'm sorry - The "Law of Attraction" is a pile of Crock. There is no way at all that you can spend your entire life actively working to evade negativity, because Life doesn't work that way. Life happens, and it happens in both Positive and negative ways. As she has found out. I don't suppose she did anything to actively attract this Cancer, but it's happened anyway. Sure, Positive thinkng, and a positive attitude are important, but she's already in a bad place, as it were. You need to simply be a good thing in her life. What, are you scared you'll attract negativity to yourself if you think about it? You're already feeling crap by NOT thinking about it - aren't you....? Besides, she doesn't like to talk about it because it always went sour whenever I steer the interaction towards that direction. It's the opposite of ballroom dancing. let her take the lead, and you relax, and follow.... You are right. I'm self-centered. On one hand, I want love. On the other hand, I put up a heavy fortification around my emotion. You're missing the point. This post shouldn't even be about you. you need to lay 'you' aside, and focus on what it is she most needs. Forget what you want and what you do. That's still being self-centred.... This isn't about you. But can you please help me and tell me what should I do? Whenever I let my emotion run, I screw up everything: I become needy, jealous, emotional, and etc. What you need to do is to focus on operating from a selfless place of Altruism and genuine compassion. When you feel your emotions turning inwards, towards what YOU want, try to think to yourself - "Whoa.... enough of me... what can I do to help and support her?" Then, you'll find yourself actually being far more satisfied with your own state.... To avoid those, I become detached. I guess I learned this behaviour from my past failed relationships where I always got too involved emotionally. Don't blame the past. It's a factor, yes, maybe. But don't hang your current decisions and reactions, on something that no longer exists. The Past is past, and belongs there. Start from a new place, and understand that the decisions you make now, are based on your reactions now, to what is happening now. A thought is simply a thought. And a thought can be changed. At will. Anyway, I've already drafted up an e-mail to her last night. I also want to visit her (3500 km away) but don't know if I should. You might again call me self-fish here but is it good to visit someone if she doesn't want it? Isn't it more detrimental to have an unwanted visitor?? Have you tried asking her if she wpuld like to see you? How about telling her you'd like to go there and pay her a call...? What does she want (as opposed to your thinking what she might want)? Her birthday is also coming up in Jan29. Should I send her something? I sent her gifts twice: once this Christmas and once when she left home. Again, money is an non-issue. I just don't want to do things that creep/annoy people out. Please give me advice! Oh, I think so, why not? Did she object to her gifts before? has she said - 'please don't send me stuff'...? I think a gift would be a nice gesture.... Unless you KNOW of a specific reason from her, to not send something.... Lastly, should I really tell her my real feelings? Should I let her know how much she means to me? I've done it before to another person and I sworn I would never do it again. Don't drag someone else's reaction and hypothesise about this. Stop second-guessing....You have no way of knowing these things.... Should I just tell her straight up that I really like her? I said it once but it wasn't a proper one. Pardon....? Look, stop worrying about you, and what reaction you'll get. Tell her, for her sake. At the very least, she'll know somebody cares for her, enough to tell her......
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