sadtiffany Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 (edited) How often does this happens and you're trying so hard to get over them but years can pass by and you still love them? What if they're your best friend they never loved you in return? This guy, let's call him Tom has been my true best friend for 13 years now (we're both now 21 years old). During our sophomore year of high school, it's when I started having feelings for him and eventually fell in love. On several occasions I have tried putting one arm around him as we were watching a movie but he would either ignore it or move my arm away. Nothing happened, not even if I were wearing an elegant dress and he would always be dating other girls. I have rejected some guys that would approached me and asked me out all because I kept waiting for Tom. I would hope one day he would find me attractive and love me back. At times I imagine what it would have been like losing my virginity to him (I'm still a virgin by the way) but he never reciprocated and only treated me in a brotherly way. Now I'm devastated. He's engaged to another woman and the wedding is within 5 months from now. I'm invited but I'll be sad. Do you think it's now the time I finally confess what I been feeling since I was 16? Should I even attend his wedding? Help I'm sad and about to cry again. I LOVE TOM... Edited January 21, 2010 by sadtiffany
Author sadtiffany Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 How do you get over someone you loved and still do? Anyone?
TaraMaiden Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 You write him a huge long letter. You pour your heart out. You relate every feeling, every sensation, every desire, every thought you can, about how you feel, and how long you've felt this way. You tell him, page after page, just what he means to you, and how affected you are by him. And when you've finished, you take it out into the garden, and you burn it. You release, you surrender, and you accept that this great love - never existed. Because unrequited love isn't Love. it's incomplete and keeps you stuck and unfinished. And you have to let go. You cannot disrupt his future this way, because you simply need validation. This great love was all in your mind. He was your friend. He still is. But you need to move away, and let him live the life he's chosen. It doesn't include you. It's harsh, I know. But face it. He's not yours, and never was. Not really. Only in your mind. And now - you have to change it.
nomad0792 Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 The question you must ask yourself -- If you professed your love for him, what would he say? HONESTLY ask yourself! Tara gives sage advice, but you must recognize and respect his happiness or you won't get thru this. You are young and will have many loves in your life. Don't sell yourself short at such an early time in your life.
Author sadtiffany Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 Thank you Tara. I will do that tomorrow when my mind refreshes so I can think clearly and finally let it go and move on with my life as I have been waiting pointlessly on something that was never meant to be. The question you must ask yourself -- If you professed your love for him, what would he say? HONESTLY ask yourself! I think he would be confused and clueless as to what I'm talking about. He will probably state that he didn't know I felt that way and it would be a surprise to him. Tara gives sage advice, but you must recognize and respect his happiness or you won't get thru this. That was indeed a sage advice and in order to be happy I must once and for all get over him and let him live his life. You are young and will have many loves in your life. Don't sell yourself short at such an early time in your life. You're right I'm young but when you love someone, they can make you happy and sad at the same time. All those years I waited could have been spend on someone who loves me but I wasted time. Hopefully we can be friends again after I have finished revealing it all.
nomad0792 Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 So you plan on telling him? If you can deal with him not feeling the same way (not saying he will or won't), then that's something you must prepare yourself for. Life is short, but people come in and out of your life and they circle back at times. I will tell you one thing I do know...this will not be the last time you have these feelings for someone and they will feel the same way...that, I can guarantee will come your way some day.
Author sadtiffany Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 So you plan on telling him? If you can deal with him not feeling the same way (not saying he will or won't), then that's something you must prepare yourself for. I'm prepare to take rejection the same way those poor guys got rejected when they would approached me and asked me out during all my high school years and few more later on. Life is short, but people come in and out of your life and they circle back at times. I will tell you one thing I do know...this will not be the last time you have these feelings for someone and they will feel the same way...that, I can guarantee will come your way some day. Yes eventually I will fall in love again and Tom would be back to being my friend. If you were him what would you have said to me as I'm professing my love and confess to it all? What would be your reaction?
nomad0792 Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 It's really hard to say, because I don't know your relationship with him well enough. But let's speculate for ****s and giggles... If he felt the same as you: I'd be in shock and if I was in love with someone else now and about to marry. I'd be mad that we didn't discover this sooner. It could cause some serious issues, but ultimately he'd have to make a hard decision. If he only ever thought of you as a friend: I'd tell you that I've always had great respect and love for you, but I don't have those same emotions. ALSO, regardless of how he feels, be careful because he might resent you for throwing this at him at such a time.
TaraMaiden Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Your question is redundant, because nobody here, is Tom. What you should be asking yourself is: What is your motivation in telling him? What are you hoping to achieve? Would your 'confession' make things worse, or better, for you, do you believe? Really, you need to investigate your own heart before drawing hypotheses from others.
sedgwick Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Years have passed and I still love mine. I don't love him one bit less than the day he walked out the door. I don't see myself ever loving anyone else. I think you should tell yours. And DEFINITELY don't go to his wedding if he doesn't reciprocate -- no reason to torture yourself.
TaraMaiden Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 One big difference Sedgwick...yours knew you loved him. Hers doesn't. He's completely oblivious, it seems. And that's the danger of opening the mouth. Jamming the foot in it. Sideways.
HeavenOrHell Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Unrequited love is the most horrible feeling. I have unrequited love for my partner (together 18 years, left me last year). Loneliest feeling I empathise.
Author sadtiffany Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 If he felt the same as you: I'd be in shock and if I was in love with someone else now and about to marry. I'd be mad that we didn't discover this sooner. It could cause some serious issues, but ultimately he'd have to make a hard decision. This is 99% unlikely because he would have reciprocated years ago and it doesn't take a girl that much to have a man turn-on (make-up and dressing up nicely is usually enough) unless he never found me attractive which seems to be the case. If he only ever thought of you as a friend: I'd tell you that I've always had great respect and love for you, but I don't have those same emotions.The most expected response I will get but it will finally give some closure. I would finally put it to rest and realize it was never meant to be further than friends. ALSO, regardless of how he feels, be careful because he might resent you for throwing this at him at such a time. This is what I'm questioning. If I tell him I don't want this to create an impact. He's the only best friend I ever had. I'm typically outgoing and with many friends but not best friends. If I were to tell him, can it be back to the way things were before I started developing feelings?
Author sadtiffany Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 Your question is redundant, because nobody here, is Tom. What you should be asking yourself is: What is your motivation in telling him? What are you hoping to achieve? Would your 'confession' make things worse, or better, for you, do you believe? Really, you need to investigate your own heart before drawing hypotheses from others. I would hope that once I tell him, pouring everything I ever felt for him that I'll get over him. At the same time I don't want to ruin his engagement nor create an impact that might cause us to distance ourselves. At the very least if it's a no (99% likely) then we can be friends again. I will get over him and only think of him as my best friend.
TaraMaiden Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Your question is redundant, because nobody here, is Tom. What you should be asking yourself is: What is your motivation in telling him? What are you hoping to achieve? Really, you need to investigate your own heart before drawing hypotheses from others. SadTiffany, you still need to address these points..... and this....If I were to tell him, can it be back to the way things were before I started developing feelings? Is the same as this- Would your 'confession' make things worse, or better, for you, do you believe? The answer to your phraseology is no. You can't turn the clock back and undo your feelings, and much less can you undo the word once spoken. it will be out there, and in an instant you will have changed the course of his reaction and your input, at a stroke. Is this a risk you're prepared to take?
carhill Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 OP, if you're sincere here, IMO, the best way to process this is to be the 'best friend' and support his engagement and impending marriage. Any other perspective will put you in competition and ultimately an unhealthy situation. Can you do that? Can you say in your mind "I love you and I believe this is what you want and I support you"? It will help you, IMO. I know it helped me. Best wishes
duskandsummer Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 I am so sorry you are going through this. Unrequited love is the most painful thing any human being can go through when it comes to matters of the heart, and I don't think people truly understand how difficult it is to cope and move on unless they have gone through it. The other hardest thing is the Unrequited love that is kept secret for so long, which I totally understand. First step is if he does reject you, if the answer is not what you want to hear..will it help you or hurt you? Will you have the strength to move on and be happy for him or are you willing to risk losing your best friend..because ultimately that could happen. I say write a letter to him, read it over and over until you are 100% sure you can give it to him or tell him everything in the letter in person. If you have one ounce of doubt then you shouldn't. If you find that you can't tell him that you aren't ready then you have to decide to move on as hard as that sounds and as much as it will hurt. It will be very very bad before it gets a little bit better..but in the long run it might be what is best for you. Also if you give him that letter and he does choose his fiance over you, he will tell her what you said to him and she most likely won't want you around. So its the risk...are you willing to take a chance and see if he might feel the same way..or are you willing to lose him forever? Either way the threads are here to help you through whatever you will go through! Best of Luck!!!
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