Cheating, 2 reconciliations, 4yrs., Now it's OVER!

[jesslindy]

I really don't know why I am typing this. I think I just need to.

 

My original thread is here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t126384/

 

My first reconciliation thread is here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t138455/

 

I never started a second reconciliation attempt thread. Now this is my last one.

 

So here it is in a nutshell, Married my wife 4 yrs ago. After 14 months she was cheating and left. She tried to come back, only to find out she was still cheating. I asked her to leave again and she did. She got an apartment for about 6 months and we actually started talking again, and we ended up giving it another go. She moved back in almost two years ago. Now I want a divorce. I'll explain why and give a backstory.

 

I won't go into too much detail about my wife. My previous two threads will give you a very good insight into what my wife is made up of. Me and my wife rarely fight, alot less than most people that I know. We are both really good with our son. My wife on the surface is a very nice person. Inside she is empty and I am done dealing with it.

 

When my wife was cheating on me I obviously did what most guys do. Started spying heavily, keyloggers on the computer, cell phone records ,the whole sha-bang. Over the last two years I can honestly say I haven't even used the keyloggers, in fact I hadn't even remebered my password to them at first. I had one installed on her laptop. She took that laptop when she moved out the second time. Recently, I felt it needed for some reason to do a little follow-up. Basically, the sex was gone and I just wanted to do some checking up. Here's what I found.

 

For some reason I went way back on the keylogger, I read almost everything. I had it set up to save until I deleted. I read all the way back to when she didnt even live here. Almost 2 yrs ago. When we started talking again she typed me an email called "A bunch of reasons." It was a response to something I had said at lunch that day. I said, "I could write a novel about why I love you and you couldn't write a page about why you love me." So she did. To give her credit(I guess), it was probably the nicest thing she had ever done. At the time I remember being a little upset it was an email, but coming from a person with 0 communication skills, I looked at it as a start. When looking at the keylogger I ran into that day she typed it. On that very same day she was looking for Divorce attorneys, and even typed an email to the guy she was cheating on me with.

 

A little more recently, I discovered about 6 months of back and forth emails with a guy she used to date in high school. To be honest, they are fairly harmless emails, but recently they started getting a little too frequent and having a little more meaning for my taste. He started asking for pictures of her, things like that. My wife started facebook stalking his girlfriend. One night recently she was at one of her friends houses and didn't make it home 'til the next morning. She never texted or called me but took time to type him an email. Probably from her phone. Sounds like an escape plan formulating to me doesn't it?? That's what she does.

 

I have taken total of a 45% paycut at work and needless to say the bills and mortgage have been impossible to keep up with. I am behind. I am working it out hopefully, but behind none the less. I was not up front with my wife about the house because its not to the point where I can't make it work and quite frankly I just didn't want her to start worrying and freaking out. I know I should have told her but I didn't and she read one of my letters from the mortgage company and that's how she found out. It pissed her off I didn't tell her. So instead of her talking to me about it she typed an email to her friend that said "Im broke and I need to find a place to live. I'm tired of Jesse's S*it." What????

 

Here's the deal, I just don't care anymore. I have always felt like I was in second place with my wife. I have always felt like our communication was horrible. I have always felt like way less of a man than I am in her eyes. I am so sick and tired of not sleeping with her. She probably stands on her head with her boyfriend. I am truly checked out. And if your asking "Have you communicated this to her", too many times in every way I could. I haven't been on my A-game lately, I will be the first one to tell you that. But I don't care. Even when I was perfect, on my A-game so to speak, I was still beating off.

 

I told my wife Saturday night how I felt, and she hasn't said a word to me about it since. Just walks aroud like everything is normal. She actually had the nerve to tell me she wanted to go to Louisville with her friends on Saturday. Unreal.

 

I took my ring off, I sleep on the couch. I took my ring off because I am not married. Quite frankly, I never have been.

 

I will tell you the one emotion I do have is alot of anger. Not raging anger, just standard anger about my life. I'm angry my wonderful son has to live in a family of divorce. I'm angry my Dad never slapped sense into me about what to look for in a good interpersonal relationship. I guess you have to find that stuff out on your own anyway. I'm angry I didn't know what to look for and married an empty person. I really tried to give love to my wife, but I got no respect in return so now I'm done. I have no love left. That's not fair to her, or myself. I was always scared that I would never love my wife enough after she cheated on me to hurt when it happened again, or when she left again. She hasn't cheated or left yet, but it was right around the corner. She was looking for apartments on her cell phone last week. And I was right. She could walk out tomorrow and I would smile and help her to her car. I could give s*it.

 

Now I must prepare myself for the blameshifting. I must prepare myself to hear about how asking her to leave is all my fault. What she doesn't understand is I don't care. I'm not looking to smell like roses after this is all said and done. She could tell her Mom I punched her in the face and tried to stab her for all I care. I dont care about saving face with anybody. I don't want to blame her for anything. I don't want to play games. At this point it just doesnt matter. Yes, the facts are the facts, I did very little compared to her to come to this result. But it doesn't matter. I just want to be happy and the way my life is construted right now doesn't allow that. It makes me sad. I want to be married and happy. Oh well. Better luck next time. NEVER. Thanks for listening

Edited January 21, 2010 by jesslindy

[BUENG1]

I really don't know why I am typing this. I think I just need to.

 

My original thread is here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t126384/

 

My first reconciliation thread is here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t138455/

 

I never started a second reconciliation attempt thread. Now this is my last one.

 

So here it is in a nutshell, Married my wife 4 yrs ago. After 14 months she was cheating and left. She tried to come back, only to find out she was still cheating. I asked her to leave again and she did. She got an apartment for about 6 months and we actually started talking again, and we ended up giving it another go. She moved back in almost two years ago. Now I want a divorce. I'll explain why and give a backstory.

 

I won't go into too much detail about my wife. My previous two threads will give you a very good insight into what my wife is made up of. Me and my wife rarely fight, alot less than most people that I know. We are both really good with our son. My wife on the surface is a very nice person. Inside she is empty and I am done dealing with it.

 

When my wife was cheating on me I obviously did what most guys do. Started spying heavily, keyloggers on the computer, cell phone records ,the whole sha-bang. Over the last two years I can honestly say I haven't even used the keyloggers, in fact I hadn't even remebered my password to them at first. I had one installed on her laptop. She took that laptop when she moved out the second time. Recently, I felt it needed for some reason to do a little follow-up. Basically, the sex was gone and I just wanted to do some checking up. Here's what I found.

 

For some reason I went way back on the keylogger, I read almost everything. I had it set up to save until I deleted. I read all the way back to when she didnt even live here. Almost 2 yrs ago. When we started talking again she typed me an email called "A bunch of reasons." It was a response to something I had said at lunch that day. I said, "I could write a novel about why I love you and you couldn't write a page about why you love me." So she did. To give her credit(I guess), it was probably the nicest thing she had ever done. At the time I remember being a little upset it was an email, but coming from a person with 0 communication skills, I looked at it as a start. When looking at the keylogger I ran into that day she typed it. On that very same day she was looking for Divorce attorneys, and even typed an email to the guy she was cheating on me with.

 

A little more recently, I discovered about 6 months of back and forth emails with a guy she used to date in high school. To be honest, they are fairly harmless emails, but recently they started getting a little too frequent and having a little more meaning for my taste. He started asking for pictures of her, things like that. My wife started facebook stalking his girlfriend. One night recently she was at one of her friends houses and didn't make it home 'til the next morning. She never texted or called me but took time to type him an email. Probably from her phone. Sounds like an escape plan formulating to me doesn't it?? That's what she does.

 

I have taken total of a 45% paycut at work and needless to say the bills and mortgage have been impossible to keep up with. I am behind. I am working it out hopefully, but behind none the less. I was not up front with my wife about the house because its not to the point where I can't make it work and quite frankly I just didn't want her to start worrying and freaking out. I know I should have told her but I didn't and she read one of my letters from the mortgage company and that's how she found out. It pissed her off I didn't tell her. So instead of her talking to me about it she typed an email to her friend that said "Im broke and I need to find a place to live. I'm tired of Jesse's S*it." What????

 

Here's the deal, I just don't care anymore. I have always felt like I was in second place with my wife. I have always felt like our communication was horrible. I have always felt like way less of a man than I am in her eyes. I am so sick and tired of not sleeping with her. She probably stands on her head with her boyfriend. I am truly checked out. And if your asking "Have you communicated this to her", too many times in every way I could. I haven't been on my A-game lately, I will be the first one to tell you that. But I don't care. Even when I was perfect, on my A-game so to speak, I was still beating off.

 

I told my wife Saturday night how I felt, and she hasn't said a word to me about it since. Just walks aroud like everything is normal. She actually had the nerve to tell me she wanted to go to Louisville with her friends on Saturday. Unreal.

 

I took my ring off, I sleep on the couch. I took my ring off because I am not married. Quite frankly, I never have been.

 

I will tell you the one emotion I do have is alot of anger. Not raging anger, just standard anger about my life. I'm angry my wonderful son has to live in a family of divorce. I'm angry my Dad never slapped sense into me about what to look for in a good interpersonal relationship. I guess you have to find that stuff out on your own anyway. I'm angry I didn't know what to look for and married an empty person. I really tried to give love to my wife, but I got no respect in return so now I'm done. I have no love left. That's not fair to her, or myself. I was always scared that I would never love my wife enough after she cheated on me to hurt when it happened again, or when she left again. She hasn't cheated or left yet, but it was right around the corner. She was looking for apartments on her cell phone last week. And I was right. She could walk out tomorrow and I would smile and help her to her car. I could give s*it.

 

Now I must prepare myself for the blameshifting. I must prepare myself to hear about how asking her to leave is all my fault. What she doesn't understand is I don't care. I'm not looking to smell like roses after this is all said and done. She could tell her Mom I punched her in the face and tried to stab her for all I care. I dont care about saving face with anybody. I don't want to blame her for anything. I don't want to play games. At this point it just doesnt matter. Yes, the facts are the facts, I did very little compared to her to come to this result. But it doesn't matter. I just want to be happy and the way my life is construted right now doesn't allow that. It makes me sad. I want to be married and happy. Oh well. Better luck next time. NEVER. Thanks for listening

 

Sounds like you've made your decision, I think its a good one. Good luck.

[sotagoon]

Man...I really feel for you....as I was rreading your post...all I could think was...God, this sounds like my life.

 

I will say that I know exactly what you are talking about with A game and whackin it! It seems like I was in the same boat, I'd have to initiate everything and then it was like rolling around with a fish.

 

I'm not in the anger stage, or better yet, the anger I do feel is for some reason with myself and the fact that I am not happy.

 

I took a huge cut at work as well and always kept my fiscal anxiety to myself. It seemed that if dared bring it up it would have caused even more strife.

 

Although not married, I am on my 3rd stint of her walking out. I guess at this point I HAVE to give up. I don't want to because I lover her, but I guess I'm too dumb to realize that it must not be as mutual as it should be.

 

Here's to that HAPPINESS we want someday....and the unbelieveable woman that will be part of it!

 

One that actually cares that we are having good day!

[tnttim]

Both of you hide the fact you were in financial trouble, and possibly losing your house. Then in the same post you say you had open communication with your Ws. Sorry you are either pregnant or not, there is no in between. I am all for you leaving, but have you changed in order to be a better man in your next relationship? Only you can answer that question. I'm not blaming you specifically, but a M breakdown is a team effort. I am really sorry you think this is going to ruin your son's life, but I think you are putting to much emphasis on that. I have seen D throughout my life, good and bad. The children I know that grew up and have a good life had D parents that managed to get along after the D. The one's that fought tooth and nail, and talked about each to their children, now have f*cked up children who are adults. The D doesn't mess up the child, the parents reaction to the D is what messes them up. You have to swallow your pride and try to be civil with this b*tch, not for you and certainly not for her, but for your child.

[jesslindy]

Whoa Tn,

 

I totally agree with everything you are saying, but I don't think it fits into the context of my OP. About my house, losing it is not an option, I am just behind. Along with 1 million other people. When and if there was something to worry about, believe me communication would have been there. I never said I was losing it.

 

As for thinking this will ruin my sons life, I made no such statement. I stated plainly I wish he didn't have to be a child of divorce. Haven't we all thought of our family units as something that wasn't going to break up at some point? I know the only way to teach my son how to be a man is act like one. And a man doesn't do the things you said above. A man also shouldn't be a miserable f**k with an unhappy wife. My front has always been strong with my Son. I am "faking it 'til I can make it."

 

Thirdly, I don't remember saying anything about not being amicable at all. In fact to not be amicable you have to care. And I clearly don't.

 

Sorry if it sounds like I'm being defensive, because I respect your opinion. Just didn't see where it fit into what I said at all.

[tnttim]

Whoa Tn,

 

I totally agree with everything you are saying, but I don't think it fits into the context of my OP. About my house, losing it is not an option, I am just behind. Along with 1 million other people. When and if there was something to worry about, believe me communication would have been there. I never said I was losing it.

 

As for thinking this will ruin my sons life, I made no such statement. I stated plainly I wish he didn't have to be a child of divorce. Haven't we all thought of our family units as something that wasn't going to break up at some point? I know the only way to teach my son how to be a man is act like one. And a man doesn't do the things you said above. A man also shouldn't be a miserable f**k with an unhappy wife. My front has always been strong with my Son. I am "faking it 'til I can make it."

 

Thirdly, I don't remember saying anything about not being amicable at all. In fact to not be amicable you have to care. And I clearly don't.

 

Sorry if it sounds like I'm being defensive, because I respect your opinion. Just didn't see where it fit into what I said at all.

I have a tendency to over assume. You get so very little to go on on here, I just try to fill in the blanks. If that's what your doing and it works, then keep doing it. As I said before, a D is only bad when you put on a bad light on the D, and you say you're not, I say keep it up. Good luck.

[jesslindy]

I really backslid tonight, badly. As I said above, I am still filled more with anger than anything. For some reason, I decided to talk to my stbxw. I really started talking to just ask what her plans were in all of this, ie... moving out and things like that. Than my dumbass went looking for answers. Answers I knew in the back of my head I will never get.

 

I'm not angry at the situation, I'm not angry about my divorce, I'm basically angry about not being able to see my son everyday. I'm angry that this person will never go away.

 

Just when I thought I had hit the point of indifference, nope. My anger boiled inside of me as I watched my wifes empty blank face stare at me while I spoke. A sight I have grown tired of, one I wish to never see again. I asked my wife to stop in front of me as she tried to exit the room, she does that as soon as she feels shes being called out, as you all could of guessed. I said the most hurtful things that have ever come out of my mouth towards my wife. I NEVER call my wife names, I defend her when she doesn't deserve it, but tonight I lashed out. I told her I was repulsed by her, I told her I was angry at God for allowing me to procreate a child with her. I told her I was sick to my stomach that I had ever crossed her path, and plenty of cuss words to boot.

 

I calmed down almost immediately, and went inside to where she was at and apologized more than once. I told her that I was very sorry and I do not want to divorce her like this. I explained to her that my lashing out was 4 years of being discounted, lied to, cheated on, and disregarded all coming to the surface. But it doesn't matter, it will go in the "BOOK OF WRONGS", like everything else I have suppossedly done to her. Oh well.

 

I just wish I hadn't done it that's all. I will use my anger, which is a man's predetermined dominant emotion by the way, to disconnect further. I will use it to create positive energy, and motivation to better myself further.

 

Thanks for listening.

[Brooke79]

Very heavy. You just erupted in pain and frustration, which seems contradictory to what you type because it seems as though you are still emotionally connected. I could be wrong, but you sound like me. I am trying to disconnect, but there is still emotion there, it sounds better and feeks better to say otherwise. I don't know if it helps or not but in a way its like denial which is not really productive. To get thru this storm we will have to face it, endure it and by that I mean accepting the emotions of hurt and all and moving on and growing from them, if not I think they give you added baggage. Not trying to critique at all because I just realized I am doing the same thing, just wanted to point out that in the anger was some residual emotion, and it ok for it to be there. Take care!

[sotagoon]

What is it this week?

 

I had a backslide on Sunday and yesterday...although I don't have the pleasure/pain of speaking with her. I have had exactly 1 phone conversation and 2 emails and 3 text messages since Nov 6th. (Nothing now for the last 3 weeks)

 

Finding a way to be indifferent, IMHO, is the sign that you have taken the first step to truly moving on. I read somewhere that divorce is the answer, ONLY, when indfference is there. I guess that means that is when all emotion is gone. (Is that even possible?)

 

Anyway....JESS....although the outburst is probably something that will go into the "Book of Wrongs"..... It probably needed to happen. I hope it did not happen in the midst of your wonderful son?

 

What is it about them (cheating SO's) that puts them in that BLANK STARE place?.... Like they just can't believe that WE would be so upset with their infidelity/lies/bulls**t?

 

I don't know how to continue to go down the path of indifference, but all I can say is this..... Anyone that can be that cold hearted and self centered or selfish, isn't worth our concern. I'm sick of defending her, and romanticizing what we had, when all it leads me to is pain. I pray that for us that are in this "hell on earth", that we can someday very soon feel so good about ourselves that we look at the EX and think... "God, I'm so glad I'm not like that"...and in your case..hopefully, that your son becomes like you and not her.

 

If you find that magic button that will make this all easier....please let me know...I'll pay admission just to press it.

Edited February 2, 2010 by sotagoon

[maliks32]

It took me a long time to get over my first wife. We have children together so we had to speak to each other often. I have always seen my self as a family man. So , that is where I wanted to be with my wife and children. My first stage was depression, anger,resentment, and finally forgiveness.

[jesslindy]

Thanks for the posts guys.

 

The only words that came out of my stbxw's mouth last night were, "I just want to know what we are going to tell our son.". As if that's even hard.

 

What kills me is that when she left the last time, I had my son for 79% of the overnight stays over the course of 4 months. 79%!!!!!!!! And now she cares!!! She just isn't to the point of f***ing the OM yet. I should have divorced her when I had the chance to claim abandonment(she left for four days and didn't come back once), and had the records to prove everything. Oh well, youth is wasted on the young I guess.

 

And Sota, No we were in the garage when it went down. I hate fighting in front of him, we are actually pretty good about not doing it.

[Steadfast]

Directly after my ex confessed her infidelity I said plenty, mixed with periods of anger, loneliness and more harsh words. Add threats, ultimatums, sorrowful pleas about her lost feelings, and the welfare of our children.

 

Then, I gave up.

 

It took some time and something very near to brainwashing, but a dear friend finally convinced me to trust the power of the unspoken word. In time, this proved to be exactly the case, manifested to me in a way that was both unforgettable, and comforting. Left to their own devices, the cheater will unravel. If this brings the cheated-on happiness, then an important lesson has been lost. Nothing is gained by bitterness and hoping for despair and besides, hate sticks to you and prevents healing. The point being, don't mess up the process by trying to hurry or add to it. Let nature take its course.

 

So, not to fear or worry. It's never too late to do the right thing.

Edited February 3, 2010 by Steadfast

[You Go Girl]

Jess--and this is coming from a woman--you have every right to feel your anger. You also have every right to at least once tell her exactly what you think of what she has done, and what kind of person she is.

I like to think that those harsh judgmental words are what liars and cheaters need to hear, at least once, because they are always in denial. I see that men rarely go the razor tongue route. Women don't hold back. I think men need to speak up--good or bad--women don't understand why men keep it inside, or don't communicate fully.

Now that your anger is not wrong--it's how you channel that energy and turn it into something good for yourself instead of a depressed black hole lost in the universe. Take your anger and remember it when feeling weak and crushed emotionally by her. Remember that your anger is there to protect yourself from harm. Remember that your anger is there because you have standards of how you will be treated, lied to, blindsighted, etc. Anger--when you have been lied to--is NEVER wrong. Once you know your emotions are not wrong, you will be willing to stand up for them. They are standing up for you!

Anger, when justified, is one of your most powerful friends. Recognize and validate your own anger--and it will start becoming a strong asset instead of a liability.

 

As for the detachment--I too have found it very difficult. You can't just wake up one day and say--I'm indifferent from now on! (angrily).

What you can do is what I am doing--stages of detachment. When you find yourself thinking about her--change course, do something else. When you find yourself remembering something you love about her--change what you are thinking simply by pushing your thoughts onto anything else. Think about somebody else, a family member, a friend, and keep busy physically--this is important--start a load of laundry, vacuum, go to the store, anything but sit and dwell over her. Just make sure that whatever you replace thoughts of her with isn't something else that upsets you--or you'll feel defeated.

Remove yourself from her presence when you can. Keep neutral when with her. It becomes easier the more you practice it. If you're not on the couch sleeping yet--sleep only there. If you're still eating dinner together--start eating in a separate room. etc., etc., etc.,...until there are no joint daily things you do together--wean yourself.

Take charge of your own life in the little ways. Analyze moments when you are down--and see if they are unproductive and that is why you are down. Remember Einstein's definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results".

[Steadfast]

 

I like to think that those harsh judgmental words are what liars and cheaters need to hear, at least once, because they are always in denial. I see that men rarely go the razor tongue route. Women don't hold back. I think men need to speak up--good or bad--women don't understand why men keep it inside, or don't communicate fully.

 

 

While I generally agree with everything you write, this is the exception. Remember that we are discussing infidelity; and encouraging this man to not hold back is not wise council. A man's temper and emotions could boil over from 'razor tongue' to physical in just a matter of seconds. Short fuse.

 

That needs to be avoided. Agree?

 

Control must be maintained and anger must be channeled into something positive. She isn't interested in hearing it anyway-

[You Go Girl]

While I generally agree with everything you write, this is the exception. Remember that we are discussing infidelity; and encouraging this man to not hold back is not wise council. A man's temper and emotions could boil over from 'razor tongue' to physical in just a matter of seconds. Short fuse.

 

That needs to be avoided. Agree?

 

Control must be maintained and anger must be channeled into something positive. She isn't interested in hearing it anyway-

 

steadfast--I said "hear" those words, not "feel" them with a punch to the face. An emotional punch--sticks and stones type of thing. Never would I condone violence.

Anyway, he already did it. He already chastized her, from what I read, so he need not do it again.

As a woman I don't think about the physical side of an argument, because I never would start a physical fight with a man knowing I would lose. I also must assume that men who know how to use their razor tongue--also know that if they know how to do it well--don't need to use their fist. Men who beat up women must not know how to win an argument, or at least feel vindicated even if there is no winning.

But it's a good thing for you to remind all men not to be physically violent, so I'm glad you posted that.

Edited February 3, 2010 by You Go Girl

[Steadfast]

Of course. My post wasn't directed to those habitually abuse in any way, rather to those who can watch an extremely stressful situation boil over. I (for example) have never struck a woman, but I recall being so emotionally charged that it would not have taken much to push it into something else.

 

 

I also must assume that...

 

 

Never do that. Never.

 

I like your posts and insights YGG, but realize that many of the people who post here are running on the ragged edge. Maybe you too? Whatever the case, a calm approach is usually encouraged and appreciated-

[You Go Girl]

Steadfast--I was responding to how OP said that he had screamed it all out at her--judgment, etc.

He had already done it.

Then he said that he went back twice and apologized to her.

Now...maybe, by my thinking, only 1 apology is in order when a person expresses the pain and frustration at being cheated on.

It almost sounds as if he was doing the apologizing in the relationship--not her--the cheater!

So I was trying to tell him that I didn't think the feeling of anger was out of order. That it's a natural reaction. That he shouldn't feel guilty because he yelled at her and said some judgmental things. My gosh--to not do so might be the unnatural reaction.

 

Not running on the ragged edge anymore for me. Been there, done that. More just sad quiet acceptance now for me.

That's when a relationship is really in trouble--when the partners don't care to even argue about it anymore.

I like your insights too, steadfast. And yes--keep questioning me when you see something that appears to be off--sometimes it is just interpretation and that I need to more fully communicate what I am trying to say.

[Steadfast]

 

...sometimes it is just interpretation and that I need to more fully communicate what I am trying to say.

 

 

That's a key point YGG and easier said than done. No perfect people means no perfect posts.

 

Yes, I understand your point and again, agree. No need for me to watchdog you or anyone else here. Like you, I post if I think my experiences can help.

 

Glad to hear you're dealing with reality and keeping a positive outlook. It's where we all need to be!

 

TGIF everyone-

[jesslindy]

Thanks for the posts Stead and YGG. I appreciate it.

 

Check this out. Last night at 1:30 in the morning, my stbxw called me and said she was stuck in a snow drift at the mouth of our subdivision. We got wicked snow and weather here last night. Anyway, I was hanging out with a couple buddies at my house, and I told them about the conversation I had when she called and that she was stuck. I decided to go check on the situation, to make sure the mother of my child was safe. I realized there was no getting her out of this situation, and I said very calmly, "I dont understand what you want me to do, I'm not digging you out of this snow, It would take me 3 hours and I can't help." She said "Why don't you go home and get the shovel and I'll dig myself out". She was very pissed at me, as if I owe her something, as if the conveniences of being married to me were still there.

 

I said nothing after she asked me to get the shovel, removed myself from her car, and walked back to mine. As I got in the car, a snowplow was coming up behind me and he stopped on the side of me. I talked to him and he asked me if I was going to get her out of the way, and I said no. I asked him if he would help her, and he said yes he needed her out of the way and he would plow her out. I said thanks, and called my stbxw on her cell, and told her the snowplow gentleman would help her out. She yelled thanks, and hung up on me. I called her back one more time, and she didnt answer, so I didnt call again. I turned around, went back home, and talked to my buddies some more. They were astounded I didn't help her. My one buddy said "I have a tow rope and a truck, you want me to help her.", and I said no. He didn't understand how I could do that. I calmly explained, that I have to show my stbxw that all the conveniences of being married to me are gone, and that includes my friends that want to help. And she chose this by the way, I have always said if there was an inkling of hope I would work on my marraige. I have always made a stand for our marraige, especially in the tough times.

 

I really didn't even feel bad about it. I think that was a good sign for me. I checked on the situation, handled it without really doing anything, and she was on her own, where she always wanted to be. She was safe and being helped, and I'm gone. That's it. She was pissed though boy. But I can't help that, she had a very selfless husband that would have dug that car out if it took 5 hours and had hypothermia setting in. But no longer.

 

About an hour after I came back home she wasn't home yet. I texted her, which I hate doing, but is becoming a great form for small communication that has no meaning, and asked her if everything was ok. She said she was in complete control of the situation. I said "cool" and went to bed.

 

A small part of me thinks what I did was wrong. Was it? Let me know.

[You Go Girl]

Nope.

As long as someone is lying to you--why should you be at their beck and call? No longer her slave...nor her fool...

She does need a reality check. Letting her handle her own problem with a snow drift is just the beginning of her learning to take care of herself.

Now if it had been a life threatening situation, or much worse than a snow drift, well, you know--you'd make a different decision whether to help her based on the seriousness of it all.

But she needs to learn that there's no more having her cake and eating it too.

BTW--what time did she make it to the house, or did she?

Keep your Chin up!

[tnttim]

Hell no, I wouldn't have even answered her call or her text. You reap what you sow b*tch. She wants to be independent, what's more independent than digging yourself out or calling a tow truck. Quit being her safety net or this will be a never ending process with her. You have to set the standard that you will not help no matter what. You have no obligation to help her anymore, and who's chose was that, hers. Why didn't she call the OM for help?

[Steadfast]

This is a good question and something we all need to consider. Especially men, perhaps...who often must deal with the image of 'caregiver'.

 

My best advice is to take each case, each situation, with complete honesty. At some point post-divorce, my ex stopped being my wife and turned into just another person. Someone that I know and have history with, but time, place and circumstance has a way of fading bad memories and washing away the difficulties and suffering. Like childbirth...women often say they remember the pain, but can't remember exactly what it was like.

 

So, in trying to be a decent person, if I can help, I help. If I can't, I don't. I am no longer worried about enabling, being used or otherwise taken advantage of, because we're apart and that isn't going to change. Besides, if she asks for my help but doesn't really need it, that's on her. Not me. Being honest, kind and sincere is one of the truest forms of freedom.

[aimchase]

Jess, this sounds so similar to my current situation and in a rather bizarre way (please don't take offence), it's reassuring to see that others experience similar events.

 

My wife and I also split, she plays games, and has a real issue with speaking to men online. I have to admire your stance on this as I still have the burden of loving my wife and kids and just wishing she would see the wood from the trees. However, a stronger me would have moved on, though sadly I have to just accept who I am and go through the process of letting it all bother me.

 

Good on you for being strong. Anger is part of a process and I guess it'll turn into disappointment eventually, but your thoughts and position seem clear and in the long run I know you'll be happier than your ex.

[Freshstar]

Hey I understand how you feel my wife and I split 2 months ago last week when I was droping our baby at her house she was still at work so I left her with my still inlaw so I call my wife to let her know that I drop the baby she order me not ask me to drop her at her work and got piss when i said no she still thinks she has any power over me oh well tough love we got to be strong enough is enough.UOTE=aimchase;2644914]Jess, this sounds so similar to my current situation and in a rather bizarre way (please don't take offence), it's reassuring to see that others experience similar events.

 

My wife and I also split, she plays games, and has a real issue with speaking to men online. I have to admire your stance on this as I still have the burden of loving my wife and kids and just wishing she would see the wood from the trees. However, a stronger me would have moved on, though sadly I have to just accept who I am and go through the process of letting it all bother me.

 

Good on you for being strong. Anger is part of a process and I guess it'll turn into disappointment eventually, but your thoughts and position seem clear and in the long run I know you'll be happier than your ex.

[nobmagnet]

Im sorry if this may rock the boat but didnt you say your son was in the car with her?

 

I would have gone but would have told her point blank it was in no way helping her but you did it because your son was there and he needed your help.

 

Just a thought

 

Nobby xx