carhill Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 OP, I think some of the perspectives you discussed in this thread will ultimately work against you, if you're interested in a LTR. If your virginity is an issue for you, approaching a woman where there is mutual attraction but little interest in anything else can end that for you. I'm not getting the sense that you're 'waiting' for a strong committed relationship or marriage to lose it, so IMO, get that out of the way first. That said, you've covered a lot of ground in a couple of months and, as we all are, you're bound to make mistakes. Accept that and whatever consequences attend. Continue on, learning from them.
Author Lost-n-confused Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 Dude, it's chillax, and it's very relevant. You didn't need to tell her crap. Girls can read guys (but gee, what do I know, I'm just a girl ). She's used to older man who aren't shy and inexperienced. As Nora pointed out, there's something about you that is giving her a vibe. Like all the other whiners on here, you'll continue with this issue until you accept that you are doing something to put off this vibe. I don't understand what would you have me do? I try to act different fail and you don't like that. I act like myself not good enough either. I took this girl out and I was my normal honest sweet self. I was the person I'm going to be forever. Now your telling me I'm flawed then what do I do???? I tryed acting like a more confident an experenced person and that failed like I just said. What am I supposed to do???? I can't be myself and I can't act like sonething I'm not. You offer no solution. If I realize my flaws or not I'm never going to act different. I am me! You make it sound like I'm a complete pos and that every girl will seem me as superficial when being myself. You also make it sound like I should give up and be asexual.
Satisfaction Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 First, she doesn't know it was an ex. Second, even if she does know it shows that I'm still cool with my ex's and I'm mature even though things didn't workout... Finally Satisfaction I think you can take a hike. I'm going to ignore what you said about taking a hike because if i respond that could escalate this into an argument and i'm going to be mature. You may be cool with your ex but taking a date to an ex's party is disrespectful and in your previous thread several people told you that but you went ahead and did it anyway. Why did you bother ask for advice? Please don't call that girl again.You are right she made you feel embarrassed because she rejected your kiss so you should definitely dump her. Make sure you are good enough terms with her though so that in the next couple of years you can take another girl you are dating to her party.
Author Lost-n-confused Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 I'm going to ignore what you said about taking a hike because if i respond that could escalate this into an argument and i'm going to be mature. You may be cool with your ex but taking a date to an ex's party is disrespectful and in your previous thread several people told you that but you went ahead and did it anyway. Why did you bother ask for advice? Please don't call that girl again.You are right she made you feel embarrassed because she rejected your kiss so you should definitely dump her. Make sure you are good enough terms with her though so that in the next couple of years you can take another girl you are dating to her party. it was too late to cancel on her for that. We went and had a great time... She even told me so... There also were people on here females I may add who told me it was fine. I see now that I've made alot of enemys here on LS that would rather tease me and point me the wrong direction. That girl wasn't an Ex we went out twice and that was it! There was no romance.. No hand holding or even a kiss... No chemistry we just became firends!!!!
carhill Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 That girl wasn't an Ex we went out twice and that was it! There was no romance.. No hand holding or even a kiss... No chemistry we just became firends!!!! Also, as you're a virgin, there has been no sex with any 'ex'es', which is relevant; equally relevant is that the young lady you took to the party is not aware of your virginity. As she *seemed* to be unaware that the person at the party was an 'ex', IMO, no harm no foul, but keep in mind the dynamic for the future, if you choose not to disclose your virginity to current dates and have contact with women you've dated. IME, women can pick up on familiarity and can process that in a way completely differently than you might expect them to, since your perspective is based on your knowledge.
bac Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Was on a third date with a great girl... We went to the state fair and everything was going great... We were holding hands most of the time and everything was so nice. So we went on the Farris wheel and it stopped at the top and we took a photo and I thought gee perfect time for a first kiss. So I went for it and she moved to take a photo and I gave her a big kiss on the cheek that had a sucking sound too it. She then started taking photos and said sorry I ruined that for you. She then move her head away and leaned on me facing away... Rejected Everyone says when its real chemistry you will know. Well this felt pretty damn real. This really makes me feel like **** and now everything I thought about dating is going down the drain.... I completely ruined the first kiss with this girl who I had chemistry with. I'm not calling or texting her or setting up another date. She made me feel like a chump and a fool. Regardless if she wants to see me again I'm too embarrassed to see her again. Going to mail her the sweater she left. Never felt anything like this before... and once again it collapses by the third date. This girl is older and more mature then I am.... She did not rejected you yet. She is waiting for you to email her. She will kiss and f..ck you later when she is ready. If you do not believe me, just ask her directly if she kiss you someday and when. In fact, you rejected her yourself. As you described you did it several times before. You wrote that it all collapses by 3 date for you. You have your false belief that a girl should kiss you (or whatever ) by 2-3 dates. So, because it is a false believe it is common that nice girls are not ready to get physical by 3 date. And, you reject the girls who really may like you a lot. I am sure someday you meet a girl who kisses everyone on the first date and has sex with everyone on 1-2 dates.
Stung Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 She likes you, but she doesn't want you kissing her (starting something with her) if you're not all in. Something about you makes her nervous, like you may be a playa or just in it for a good time. She's looking for a relationship and isn't sure you're a relationship kind of guy. She's either nervous or she's seeing some red flags about you. So that's holding her back from being all in with you. This would be my guess, too. The age difference in particular might be making her nervous, she's drawn to you but also leery of getting involved with a younger guy...you refer to her as a 'girl' but then say she owns her own business and usually dates guys 15 years older than you? What IS the age gap here exactly?
Author Lost-n-confused Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 Also, as you're a virgin, there has been no sex with any 'ex'es', which is relevant; equally relevant is that the young lady you took to the party is not aware of your virginity. As she *seemed* to be unaware that the person at the party was an 'ex', IMO, no harm no foul, but keep in mind the dynamic for the future, if you choose not to disclose your virginity to current dates and have contact with women you've dated. IME, women can pick up on familiarity and can process that in a way completely differently than you might expect them to, since your perspective is based on your knowledge. Should I tell them I'm a virgin?
meerkat stew Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 and wanted me to think if that's really what I wanted to do. I'm still sticking on this. She's trying to draw OP into some drama game, and if there had been lots of dates, maybe work past. Just two or three dates though, trust me this one is going to put you through lots of hassle OP. The right one, or just a good one even, will be looking forward to a first kiss from you and won't attach lots of conditions and caveats to a moment that should be truly in the moment and not plotted out like she obviously has done.... high maintenance.
carhill Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Should I tell them I'm a virgin? I personally feel it's not relevant to disclose that at this juncture, but be aware that most women looking at you and experiencing your company will assume you have sexual experience with intercourse. That assumption, while reasonable, will color their perspective regarding your actions and words. As someone who's been with women in non-sexual ways and perhaps have resultant friendships, you bring a different dynamic to the table and a compatible woman for you will embrace that dynamic, just as she might have non-sexual male friends. I once navigated this channel much like yourself; investing a lot of my time and energy and giving women too many benefits of the doubt. It's unhealthy and has resulted in a lot of bitterness to deal with. Better to set your boundaries, whatever they are, and then execute them. If you feel put off or rejected, execute the boundary and move on. Expect that you might not be liked for it. Life isn't a popularity contest. You're not getting out alive and, truthfully, out of the billions of people in the world, an infinitesimal amount will even care about your existence. You care. Go with that.
Author Lost-n-confused Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 She is a year and a half older then me. Going to contact her in a bit...
norajane Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 She is a year and a half older then me. Going to contact her in a bit... What kind of relationship do you want with her? Do you think she'd be the kind of woman you could fall for and have a significant relationship with? Or do you think she is someone you could have fun with, but aren't thinking it would become meaningful to you? That's what she's asking when she says she wants you to be "sure" you want to kiss her. She's not in it just for a good time - she's looking for a meaningful relationship. So she wants you to think about that and be certain before you continue pursuing her.
Author Lost-n-confused Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 Just about to text her this message. "Hey I just wanted to tell you I had a great time last night. I wanted to kiss you because I like you. I'm sorry things worked out the way they did. I'm totally new at this."
Author Lost-n-confused Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 What kind of relationship do you want with her? Do you think she'd be the kind of woman you could fall for and have a significant relationship with? Or do you think she is someone you could have fun with, but aren't thinking it would become meaningful to you? That's what she's asking when she says she wants you to be "sure" you want to kiss her. She's not in it just for a good time - she's looking for a meaningful relationship. So she wants you to think about that and be certain before you continue pursuing her. I'm open for anything but I'm looking for a girlfirend.
carhill Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Rewinding to the OP's first thread here, he's a 24 year old virgin who, by his own admission, did not even start 'dating' until a few months ago. IMO, he's trying everything, even things that some folks here are finding offensive, in the pursuit of successfully dating. He's trying and making mistakes and succeeding and failing in full view of the audience. He's handled the negative comments well and I believe he sincerely wants to learn and become a better man. It's not a perfect nor easy process. My advice is to continue to remain honest to yourself and give the process time. Rome wasn't built in a day. I think you are serious and do want a long term relationship with someone. One man's opinion
Crazy Magnet Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Just about to text her this message. "Hey I just wanted to tell you I had a great time last night. I wanted to kiss you because I like you. I'm sorry things worked out the way they did. I'm totally new at this." Hey I just wanted to tell you I had a great time last night. I wanted to kiss you because I like you. Chop off the last part and make some flirty statement about the next kissing attempt. turn it into that cute first kiss story, not a mountain to overcome.
bac Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 i do not know how old you are. but most guys do not tell girls that they are virgins. they just tell them that they lost virginity a yr ago and that they had the only one partner before or whatever it works for your peace of mind. it might increase emotional stress on both of you, if you tell her that you are a virgin. I am not sure that i get it right that you are a virgin.
Crazy Magnet Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I'm open for anything but I'm looking for a girlfirend. Also, be upfront about this with her. Tell her what you are looking for.
carhill Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 OP, could you clarify something? In your first thread, which I linked prior, you mentioned 'saving your cherry (virginity) for someone special' or similar verbiage. Is that still your perspective? From subsequent postings, I was getting conflicting interpretations....
dreamergrl Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 OP, could you clarify something? In your first thread, which I linked prior, you mentioned 'saving your cherry (virginity) for someone special' or similar verbiage. Is that still your perspective? From subsequent postings, I was getting conflicting interpretations.... And twenty bucks says so is the girl. She knows what she wants. I don't think OP does. He was going to keep a girl he didn't want to date around just to get laid. But he also wants a girlfriend. Girls pick up on these things whether they were said or not. I'm willing to bet she can pick up on the vibe that he is displaying here. And yes, some people find keeping a girl who is interested in him around just for sex is offending. Yes, taking a girl to an ex's party is not classy. Don't plan a date if you have prior plans. If a guy took me to his ex's party for a second date, and I found out about it, I'd be 100% turned off. As someone else mentioned, he wants advice, but he's just going to do his own thing anyways. Yes OP you should be yourself, but don't use people at an expense (keeping someone around for sex, asking for bikini pictures, and such).
sid3 Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 She's a drama queen, she showed low interest when she rejected your attempt to kiss her. Her excuse was weak, her asking you to think about it was even weaker. I think you should next this one. I'd say there is one poster replying to your thread that must be really hot in the pants for you that she's so adamant in chastizing you for this and that. I can't understand why you'd listen to the advice here like it's some kinda golden rule to success, your better off going out and doing things your own way and learning in real life through trial and error. Not to say there isn't the occasional great advice on LS, but much of the advice comes from unsuccessful daters with more drama filled dating experiences than a soap opera, some of the most dsyfunctional singles truly believe they know everything this is to know about dating, clearly just the slightest bit of introspection would help them realize they are not the know it alls they have convinced themselves to be. OP, there are too many other women out there to put up with games from anyone IMO. You had the best idea already, welcome her to the FZ.
Rhythmic Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 I can't believe some of the unwarranted flaming and trolling going on in this thread. Am I missing something here? I'm willing to bet you've already been friend-zoned. Let's clue in here, shall we. She doesn't like to date younger guys. She goes for older guys who will obviously be more experienced. She turned down your kiss. You took her to an ex's party. You look at things in a superficial way. (Which will scream out in your personality). You get all whiny when you get rejected. This is not a match. Why is it that all guys on this forum have to be 100 percent super positive and just chipper about everything or they get called whiny on here? There was nothing whiny about it. Are you saying a man is not allowed to be disappointed in being rejected? Where in the world did that come from? What part of his first post did you find "whiny?" Like I tell the other guys who come here and whine. You don't think you do it in person, but it does shine through IRL. As I said before. How was that whining? I wonder if this same sort of cold and heartlessness towards any man having dating problems comes though in your real life. I don't understand what would you have me do? I try to act different fail and you don't like that. I act like myself not good enough either. I took this girl out and I was my normal honest sweet self. I was the person I'm going to be forever. Now your telling me I'm flawed then what do I do???? I tryed acting like a more confident an experenced person and that failed like I just said. What am I supposed to do???? I can't be myself and I can't act like sonething I'm not. You offer no solution. If I realize my flaws or not I'm never going to act different. I am me! You make it sound like I'm a complete pos and that every girl will seem me as superficial when being myself. You also make it sound like I should give up and be asexual. Stop bothering posting for advice here is what I guess they want you to do. I don't know where it came from but I guess this site is hostile to any guy posting anything about relationships that is not 100 percent positive or anything.
dreamergrl Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Go back to OP's other posts. He wonders why he can't get a date with a girl that he had to see bikini pictures of first. He wonders why he doesn't get responses to his online profile, he gets suggestions to do certain things, and he doesn't want to make the changes, and then goes on again about how he's not getting responses. He gets a suggestion in another thread from several posters to NOT take a girl to an ex's party, he does so anyways, then comes back and is upset that he's not getting any where with the girl. He goes on and on about wanting a meaningful relationship, then wants to keep a girl around for sex knowing it wont go any where, meanwhile this girl wants something more. I'm not the only person in this thread that has said he comes for advice but doesn't want to listen to it. Every thread he makes, he doesn't want to listen to the advice given. And not just by me...
Author Lost-n-confused Posted January 22, 2010 Author Posted January 22, 2010 Go back to OP's other posts. He wonders why he can't get a date with a girl that he had to see bikini pictures of first. He wonders why he doesn't get responses to his online profile, he gets suggestions to do certain things, and he doesn't want to make the changes, and then goes on again about how he's not getting responses. He gets a suggestion in another thread from several posters to NOT take a girl to an ex's party, he does so anyways, then comes back and is upset that he's not getting any where with the girl. He goes on and on about wanting a meaningful relationship, then wants to keep a girl around for sex knowing it wont go any where, meanwhile this girl wants something more. I'm not the only person in this thread that has said he comes for advice but doesn't want to listen to it. Every thread he makes, he doesn't want to listen to the advice given. And not just by me... I don't talk to that girl anymore. Period Let it got it was just an idea.
Stung Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 I haven't read the OPs backstory, but if he really only started dating a few months ago at the age of 24, well, problems are natural. Lost-n-confused, EVERYONE is confused when it comes to dating, especially in the beginning. And the fact is that you are developmentally behind everyone else in your peer group, which is going to make things a bit more difficult for you. Frankly some of the decisions you've made (just going by the list dreamergirl gave above) are too immature for your age, but they are probably bang on in terms of your experience. Didn't all of us do stupid things when we first started getting involved in the high drama of romance and sex? I know I did. As for your assertions that you will always be who you are now, this is not entirely true. As you get more experience under your belt, even negative or unfruitful experience like you've been accruing lately, you will hopefully gain in wisdom. Learn from your mistakes, listen to other people's advice, TALK to the girls you date, and ten years from now you will probably find you are in fact a very different man. Still flawed, of course, but smarter and hopefully both stronger and more sensitive. I believe that Dreamergirl is not trying to beat you up but to get you to open your eyes and get you to learn from your experiences. Chin up. Dating is hard for everyone. Don't let it turn you into a monster, just keep plugging through and try to treat yourself and your dates with respect. Bad things will happen. Good things will happen. Eventually you will get laid, and I'm pretty sure you're going to like that. Eventually you will fall in love, and you will probably get your heart broken a few times before everything lines up the right way. Try to look at it all as a learning experience, and an adventure.
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