Chemistry means nothing!

[Lost-n-confused]

Was on a third date with a great girl...

 

We went to the state fair and everything was going great... We were holding hands most of the time and everything was so nice. So we went on the Farris wheel and it stopped at the top and we took a photo and I thought gee perfect time for a first kiss. So I went for it and she moved to take a photo and I gave her a big kiss on the cheek that had a sucking sound too it. She then started taking photos and said sorry I ruined that for you. She then move her head away and leaned on me facing away...

 

Rejected

 

So as I began to type the first part she starts texting me talking about the Farris wheel. She basically said she knew it was coming and keep taking photos and wanted me to think if that's really what I wanted to do.

 

So I'm really confused so I start asking her to clarify. Basically she explains that it was kinda out of the blue even though she knew it was coming and she rejected my first kiss because she wants me to be sure.. She never tried to return the affection. She then goes on to explain how shes shy. I told her I'm very confused and she shouldn't of brought it up and don't know what to say or do and that I need to just goto bed and not think about it.

 

Frankly I'm really ****ing offended. All night we were cuddling and holding hands laughing having a great time. Everything is great. Then she rejects my advances. Everyone tells me on the third date you have to kiss her. BLA BLA.. RULES RULES.. O if you don't kiss by the third date its over.... CRAP..

 

Yea in the texting she tells me she enjoyed our cuddling and hand holding but never mentioned wanting me to kiss her or attempt to kiss her again..

 

Everyone says when its real chemistry you will know. Well this felt pretty damn real.

 

This really makes me feel like **** and now everything I thought about dating is going down the drain.... I completely ruined the first kiss with this girl who I had chemistry with.

 

I'm not calling or texting her or setting up another date. She made me feel like a chump and a fool. Regardless if she wants to see me again I'm too embarrassed to see her again. Going to mail her the sweater she left.

 

Never felt anything like this before... and once again it collapses by the third date.

 

This girl is older and more mature then I am....

Edited January 21, 2010 by Lost-n-confused

[Chicago_Guy]

It sounds like she is not romantically interested in you. If she won't kiss you by the third date, there's no reason to go out with her again.

[meerkat stew]

She may be older, but she is for damn sure not more mature. Her reaction on the wheel was poor, but not unpardonable and could be attributed to nervousness due to being up in the air. Her text about "what you really want to do," though, is pure hyperdrama and most likely manipulative. Next!

 

Sometimes you do everything right and things still don't gel. Is no reflection on you or your dating skills whatsoever, you just have to dust off and move on. You will see very soon that she did you a favor, as you can spend further time on the next prospect, not her.

 

If by some chance she gets back in touch and apologizes for the text and the wheel mishap, maybe -one- more chance. If you decide to give her that, don't dwell on the incident at all, just accept her apology politely ("Thanks for apologizing, it's ok" and nothing at all more about it) and try one more time.

[PinkToes]

Wait, so she said she hesitated because she wanted you to be sure? The guy who's leaning in for a kiss and she knows it's coming and yet she's still not convinced that's what you want? I get the part about being shy and maybe not ready for a kiss, but to turn it around on you is kind of messed up. I'm sorry that happened!

[colosseum]

just to play devil's advocate...perhaps she has had bad, nearly traumatic experiences in the past. you never know.

 

but i agree that on the third date, more should have happened; either the kiss or her really owning up to what happened. it's not fair to you.

[Lost-n-confused]

I'm really confused because of a few thing.

 

First we had great chemistry on our first date. After dinner we had coffee and sat and talked for hours... Neither of us seemed to want to end the date. Our second date was at a dinner party for an ex and we had a great time, a couple even asked how long we had been dating becuase we had such great chemistry. That night was the first time we held hands. Then the third date at the fair. There was hand holding and cuddling, sharing of food and drinks it was all so nice and the chemistry was there.

 

Then she rejected my first kiss... It's was so awkard and such a huge let down...

 

Yet I let it go and the continued as before.. Handholding and cuddling so I didn't feel so bad.

 

Then all the texts start coming. She's either try to tell me one of three things.

 

One, she made a mistake and is trying to cover her butt.

Two, she just wasn't quite ready or wanted to take things slow.

Three, she's unsure or just uninterested.

 

Which one I don't know.

 

When she was leaving I gave her a hug and she told me to give her a tighter hug, which I did hug her harder and stepped in closer and the hug lasted quite sometime. I didn't try to kiss her again because being rejected once in one night was to much already.

 

Once again I'm lost-n-confused....

[Ms. Joolie]

Oh get over it and ask her out again.

[D-Jam]

I've been down this path many times.

 

I need to ask...has she been recently broken up or divorced? Do you think there is some past RL she's still hurt over?

 

I've had women get all into me even to the point of sleeping with me, but when any actual emotion comes into play they run. I've seen women scared to death to lower their guard, and it showed more it wasn't me, but her. She's still hurting over someone and thus finds it hard to "get back out there".

 

My suggestion would be to lessen contact. Show her you're not going to wait around for her to lose interest and FZ you and you're not going to be her cuddle buddy as she heals her wounds. If she is fine with you gone, then move on and look for a better woman who doesn't do this. If she's chasing you, then you take charge and move forward.

 

I don't think women like this are teasing or playing with men, but they're just plain scared. Unfortunately you're now dealing with a mountain of baggage in front of you...and you need to decide if she's worth climbing over the mountain.

 

This goes back to telling people if they are hurting over a past RL, that they should stay alone and let things heal. However, if it's been years and they're still hurting, then it's time to seek professional help.

[Left in a Lurch]

If she was shy and nervous she was probably thinking of the kiss, and knew when it was coming based on the circumstances and froze up at the last moment.

 

It's like a guy planning the first kiss moment and then going in and miscalculating and bumping her forehead. The tension builds all night and when the time comes people freeze up or freak out a little.

 

Sounds like she felt bad because she froze. It's not that big of a deal and if you play it out it very well might be a funny first kiss story instead of something that makes you feel like a chump. I would let it go and not let something so trivial (easy to see because I am outside the situation), end something that could be good.

[Satisfaction]

So you took her to your ex's party then got the reaction you wanted and now you are inventing some lame excuse to break up with her?

Please do, she doesn't realise it yet but she is much better off without you.

[D-Jam]

If you really like this girl, then maybe try to talk to her about it all. Tell her you like her, but understand she's not ready to go that far and show you understand.

 

The times you should let her be and move on is when she's suddenly playing hot and cold with you and even gets the mentality of wanting to see other guys and playing the field, or if she suddenly tells you things like she's not feeling sparks and sees you as a friend.

 

In that case, you should walk. I know it sounds cold, but men need to show women in these situations that we're out to date them and find more than just friendships. Don't let her or any woman put you in places you don't want to be. This is the same thing as when I tell women who don't want to be a FB or FWB, but they want to be more, that they shouldn't let a guy put them into a place they don't want to be.

 

Be willing to risk it all and walk before you take a step down. The most alpha of men are the ones who stand strong and say they won't be friends with a woman they want to be more with. As long as you're strong, polite, and respectful about it...they can't dis you for it.

 

In the end, if you like her, show her you're willing to slow down for her, but you're making an investment in the two of them. That if she's not willing to let the baggage go and take a shot at love that you're going to walk.

[dreamergrl]

I can't believe you really to her to your ex's party. I can't even begin to explain how wrong that is. Along with how you wanted to keep the one girl around because she was a sure lay. Like the girl you asked for bikini photos to make sure she had a good enough body for you. Girls pick up on this stuff whether you say it or not.

 

The thing is, is people here try to give you advice, and you don't really want to follow it.

[Lost-n-confused]

To my knowage she has been single for a while because she's a busy girl who owns her own buisness. She did mention being shy an going slow. She also mentioned how she has never dated someone her own age let alone younger an usally dates someone 10-15 years older.. She also says she never dated someone so attractive or muscular and how lately younger guys have been attracted to her and she feels it's time to take care of herself and hit the gym... Whatever...

 

The whole thing about her wanting me to make sure about it and wanting me to think about it has me scared. She knew it was coming yet it suprised her. BS she avoided it becuase her interest level is low appearently even though we have had three dates in five days.

 

I'm about to firendzone her.

[dreamergrl]

To my knowage she has been single for a while because she's a busy girl who owns her own buisness. She did mention being shy an going slow. She also mentioned how she has never dated someone her own age let alone younger an usally dates someone 10-15 years older.. She also says she never dated someone so attractive or muscular and how lately younger guys have been attracted to her and she feels it's time to take care of herself and hit the gym... Whatever...

 

The whole thing about her wanting me to make sure about it and wanting me to think about it has me scared. She knew it was coming yet it suprised her. BS she avoided it becuase her interest level is low appearently even though we have had three dates in five days.

 

I'm about to firendzone her.

 

I'm willing to bet you've already been friend-zoned.

 

Let's clue in here, shall we.

 

She doesn't like to date younger guys.

She goes for older guys who will obviously be more experienced.

She turned down your kiss.

You took her to an ex's party.

You look at things in a superficial way. (Which will scream out in your personality).

You get all whiny when you get rejected.

 

This is not a match.

[Lost-n-confused]

So you took her to your ex's party then got the reaction you wanted and now you are inventing some lame excuse to break up with her?

Please do, she doesn't realise it yet but she is much better off without you.

 

First, she doesn't know it was an ex. Second, even if she does know it shows that I'm still cool with my ex's and I'm mature even though things didn't workout... Finally Satisfaction I think you can take a hike.

[dreamergrl]

First, she doesn't know it was an ex. Second, even if she does know it shows that I'm still cool with my ex's and I'm mature even though things didn't workout... Finally Satisfaction I think you can take a hike.

 

People talk, I wouldn't be surprised if someone let the cat out of the bag at the party. Taking a girl to your ex's party on a second date and not letting her know... not classy... not classy at all.

[Ms. Joolie]

I do want to acknowledge you for going for that kiss, OP. That's great. You felt it and just went for it! Really, that is fantastic. Don't beat yourself up because it didn't work with her. This is an older, shy woman and, quite frankly, when a woman is unsure or nervous or hesitant in anyway she will put up WHATEVER excuse.

 

Excuses excuses. Believe me, she could go on and on with excuses. The thing is, she didn't kiss you.

 

So what are you going to do?

 

You can do two things:

1) You see past this and still have interest in her. Ask her out again.

2) This rejection is it. You will not ask her out again.

[Lost-n-confused]

I'm willing to bet you've already been friend-zoned.

 

Let's clue in here, shall we.

 

She doesn't like to date younger guys.

She goes for older guys who will obviously be more experienced.

She turned down your kiss.

You took her to an ex's party.

You look at things in a superficial way. (Which will scream out in your personality).

You get all whiny when you get rejected.

 

This is not a match.

 

I didn't wine... I let it go she brought it up she went on about it.

 

One of her last text messages was how she enjoys my company and conversation and that there is alot of things she likes about me. She also really enjoyed the handholding and cuddling.

 

She even told me after the fair when we were sitting in my room how sexy she thinks I am becuase I have the photo of me walking out of the lake on facebook. I posted it here a while back...

[Lost-n-confused]

People talk, I wouldn't be surprised if someone let the cat out of the bag at the party. Taking a girl to your ex's party on a second date and not letting her know... not classy... not classy at all.

 

Get over the second date thing. I took that girl out two or three times... She was more of a firend then anything else.. She told everyone at the party that me and my date were dating. People thought we were a couple and we sitting together the whole time...

[norajane]

She likes you, but she doesn't want you kissing her (starting something with her) if you're not all in.

 

Something about you makes her nervous, like you may be a playa or just in it for a good time. She's looking for a relationship and isn't sure you're a relationship kind of guy. She's either nervous or she's seeing some red flags about you. So that's holding her back from being all in with you.

[dreamergrl]

Why do you even bother coming here? For validation or to get advice?

 

Like I tell the other guys who come here and whine. You don't think you do it in person, but it does shine through IRL.

[dreamergrl]

She likes you, but she doesn't want you kissing her (starting something with her) if you're not all in.

 

Something about you makes her nervous, like you may be a playa or just in it for a good time. She's looking for a relationship and isn't sure you're a relationship kind of guy. She's either nervous or she's seeing some red flags about you. So that's holding her back from being all in with you.

 

I think it's a lot of the red flags he has shown here. Being superficial. Keeping another girl around because she was a sure lay. Asking a girl for bikini pictures before meeting her. All stuff like this will show some way or another when he's with girls. Especially since he's inexperienced. On top of it, he's inexperienced and he's trying to pretend he's not, and it's not working.

[carhill]

OP, think about your early posts here on LS when it was you standing next to your plane and wanting to fly ladies to distant locales on dates. Things have come a long way since then. IMO, don't rush and at all times remain true to your honest self. If you're feeling a bit rejected here, that's normal. If the young lady does not wish to progress at this time, accept that, remain in contact if you find that fulfilling, and pursue other potentials. A couple of months may seem like an eternity to you, but it is merely a speck of sand on the beach of time. All things will come.

[Lost-n-confused]

I think it's a lot of the red flags he has shown here. Being superficial. Keeping another girl around because she was a sure lay. Asking a girl for bikini pictures before meeting her. All stuff like this will show some way or another when he's with girls. Especially since he's inexperienced. On top of it, he's inexperienced and he's trying to pretend he's not, and it's not working.

 

Dreamer chilax that all irrelivent to this topic and all water under the bridge. This girl doesn't know any of that. I also haven't been all fake trying to act experenced. I told this girl on the first date when she asked about my longest relationship that I haven't been in one and that at times I can be abit shy. She even told me I have sort of shyness to me. I'm a very honest person and the only thing she doesn't know is that I'm a virgin. Dreamer what do you want me to do quit dating? Just give up? I listen to what everyone hear says and use it to my advantage...

 

Also in responce to someone saying she may think in a player I'm the exact opposite...

Edited January 21, 2010 by Lost-n-confused

[dreamergrl]

Dreamer chilax that all irrelivent to this topic and all water under the bridge. This girl doesn't know any of that. I also haven't been all fake trying to act experenced. I told this girl on the first date when she asked about my longest relationship that I haven't been in one and that at times I can be abit shy. She even told me I have sort of shyness to me. I've a very honest person and the only thing she doesn't know is that I'm a virgin.

 

Also in responce to someone saying she may think in a player I'm the exact opposite...

 

 

Dude, it's chillax, and it's very relevant. You didn't need to tell her crap. Girls can read guys (but gee, what do I know, I'm just a girl ). She's used to older man who aren't shy and inexperienced. As Nora pointed out, there's something about you that is giving her a vibe. Like all the other whiners on here, you'll continue with this issue until you accept that you are doing something to put off this vibe.