PinkToes Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 There have been a bunch of threads lately about looking for love and trying to figure out why it's not happening. A lot of them zero in on "it's not me so it must be you/them." I've done everything and it isn't enough; it must be because I'm short/average looking/thin/fat/broke/pissed off. Maybe so. But maybe not. Sometimes it isn't us or them. It just is. You can do everything right, play the game, go out and meet people. You can improve your odds, or worsen your odds. But there are no guarantees. It isn't enough to think you deserve love and it's your turn to be happy. It doesn't work that way. People who have so much less to offer can find love. I've done it myself; wondered why the bitchy girls are with someone, and I'm not. But it isn't me. And it isn't them. It's random. A close friend spent about a year doing some serious online dating once. She used to tell me it was the only way to meet people; that the right guy wasn't just going to knock on her door one day. Meanwhile, I met someone in a social situation and we hit it off and spent a year together. It wasn't that I wanted it more or deserved it more, and I certainly didn't put much effort into it. We just happened to be in the right place at the right time. It will never make sense. Which is why I think it's so easy -- and frustrating -- to try to make sense of a situation when it feels like you're doing everything right, and it still isn't enough. There must be something wrong with me, or something wrong with them. Doesn't work that way. And if you generally have the mindset in life that if you want something bad enough, you can make it happen, it's especially difficult. Because you still have to run into someone else who is on the same page at the same time, which means you will never have more than 50% control in the situation. So it can't always be fixed. And it isn't always someone else's fault. IMO, having spent more of my adult years single than in a relationship, the best way to cope with the total randomness of love is twofold. Be the best person you can be, inside & out. And let go of the rest. Don't look for someone to blame. If you're convinced you have done everything you can to attract love and it isn't showing up, accept that reality and focus on something else. Yeah, it sucks. Life isn't fair. Why do some people marry 5 times, and others not at all? Who knows. But trying to make something happen that isn't 100% in your control is a recipe for frustration, bitterness and anger. And personally, that's just not the way I want to live.
SoulSearch_CO Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Totally agree. I wasn't looking for a relationship when this one happened. Sometimes the pieces just happen to fall into place.
SadandConfusedWA Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Yep, great post. I am a huge beleiver in randomness and I think that so many times people are looking for patterns when there are none. Or they see what they think is a "pattern" when actually they have connected things that have no connection whatsoever.
TaraMaiden Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I have a theory. It IS only a theory, but I have a feeling pheromones might play a part. If you're 'desperately seeking' maybe people give of specific pheromones and vibes that blare out 'desperate and needy' and subconsciously, others steer clear.... But somebody who's relaxed and content with themselves, gives off different pheromones and vibes, and what appears to say "hey you know, I really don't mind one way or the other" actually signals "this person's cool - go for them!" But this is just a theory. However, if you google 'pheromones attract and repel' you'll come up with some interesting g hits. to say the least..... For example.... Finally, women perceive different male pheromones differently. Androstenol is almost always perceived as pleasant, while androstenone is either perceived as unpleasant or stimulates negative emotions towards men. This mimics the effect of different pheromones in other species, where they can function to either attract or repel potential mates.
torranceshipman Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I totally agree...I spent a long time single, and well meaning friends would say 'maybe you're doing this wrong' or 'maybe lower your standards' or 'aren't you worried about getting too old (lol, thanks!) and being left single' etc, all of those other things! I always believed I just hadn't met the right person yet, and you're right, it just takes time and to be fair, it is pretty difficult finding someone truly compatible. Some people speak about it like going to the store and picking up the right brand of something! It might take a month or a decade but the key is to always be open to it and eventually, I think it is likely to happen. I'm with the love of my life now, and couldn't genuinely ever think of a man that I've ever met/could meet who I could be more compatible with. And on a related note...nothing wrong in being single - there's lots of cool things about it, even if friends in couples, old people and parents do think it makes you a bit of a pariah, lol
Mr White Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Well, of course it is random. The question is whether people get the right message - which is that given the randomness, to base your happiness and future life on a slim chance is just stupid. A better approach is to understand what constitutes a suitable mate, and find him/her - and the number of suitable partners is huge (as long as the approach is not tainted by this twisted love stuff:laugh:)
SoulSearch_CO Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 A better approach is to understand what constitutes a suitable mate, and find him/her - and the number of suitable partners is huge (as long as the approach is not tainted by this twisted love stuff:laugh:) Wow. I suppose if the point were just to breed more humans. Or just to avoid being alone.
OpenGL Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 A very consistant pattern over the course of years isn't random. Sorry. You lose. Actually, I lose.
SoulSearch_CO Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 A very consistant pattern over the course of years isn't random. Sorry. You lose. Actually, I lose. Chicks don't dig ****ty attitudes. I'd say when you are the common denominator, you are doing something wrong. And don't give me "height" bull****. It's such a sell-out. I know a very short guy from HS on my FB and he's married to a beautiful woman. But no matter how many examples you get of you being WRONG, you won't hear it anyway.
Trialbyfire Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 I agree that some of the elements of meeting a compatible person is sheer luck. But I disagree that it's all luck. If people take serious time to figure out what drives them, you can shorten the process. Most often, it's not looks that create a viable or non-viable relationship. It's the stuff you're made of, so it's only beneficial to you, whether you meet anyone or not, to work on what you're made of.
cognac Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Maybe relationships just "happen" for women, but not for men. How about we ask the men who dated all these women who "randomly" had the perfect mate fall into their lap if it was that easy for them. If a guy is not "hot" he can't just stop caring and wait for a girl to appear and want him for him . Doesn't work that way for guys. I will give you that sometimes there are more doors closed than other times, once in a while I'll feel women are a little more open to getting to know me than other times and can't really explain why.
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