Jesper Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Edit: It's a little long, so the main question is in the last paragraph for anyone that doesn't want to read the details. I'm struggling a little to articulate exactly what my situation and question are, so bear with me. Feel free to ask questions to clarify My b/f (I'm going to call him S.) is in his mid-30s. We've been dating for about a year and a half. More about S.: He lived with his college g/f for a couple years, they were pretty serious, talked about marriage, bought a pet together (that he still has). Then he was single through most of his 20s, just ONSs and FWBs. Starting in his late 20s he started have Rs again, but with the "wrong" kind of women. For example, he dated a party girl who was still in college. (By wrong I mean, knowing the history of these Rs it's evident that they were never going to go anywhere.) He has a lot of friends, but his only hobby is going out and drinking. He doesn't even do that very often anymore. He and I have a good relationship: we trust each other, sex is good, we pretty much never fight. Our R is very steady and always has been: no highs, no lows. Just consistently good. OK, I'm starting to get to my point. He owns his home, has a good job, is financially secure, partied hard and ****ed a lot of women and got that whole "phase" out of his system. He's starting to go bald, has a bit of a tummy (he stopped working out after he "had" me); most of his friends are married and starting to have kids. Lately he's been making comments like seeing his friends' kids make him want to have a baby himself. He's been saying that he's bored if I'm not over at his place - he just gets up, showers, goes to work, comes home, eats dinner. When I point out that it's pretty much the same if I am there he says it's different because he has someone to eat dinner with and hang out with afterward. I tried asking him what would make him feel more fulfilled and he said he didn't know, he was just bored. I feel like I'm not explaining it very well, but...I don't know how else to describe it. He's told me before that he chose to get serious with me (unlike his other g/fs, who he got serious with because of attraction and whatever else) because I fit items on a checklist, like I don't have a lot of guy friends, I'm loyal, I would make a good mom, etc. Anyways, my question is, do men just get married because they're bored and everyone else is doing it? I feel like my b/f is kind of heading in that direction. If he ends up proposing to me, I want it to be because he wants to marry me, not because he wants to get married.
alphamale Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Anyways, my question is, do men just get married because they're bored and everyone else is doing it? generally no, women do that mostly If he ends up proposing to me, I want it to be because he wants to marry me, not because he wants to get married. the end result is the same
Woggle Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Men tend to reach a point in their lives where they got all the playing around out of their system and now it is time to settle down. It seems he has reach that point.
Author Jesper Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 generally no, women do that mostly the end result is the same can't argue with that! Men tend to reach a point in their lives where they got all the playing around out of their system and now it is time to settle down. It seems he has reach that point. I would agree; I suppose I feel it's for the wrong reasons. I do'nt want him to "settle" for me. I'm also several years younger, and while I don't have any desire to date other people, or party like he did, I do feel like he's done so many things (I've never even lived with a b/f) that I've never done. I'm afraid that he'll never want to go out and do anything, because he's done it all. He has so many more experiences than I do. I feel like he's been there, done that, and maybe I'm a little jealous of that.
Woggle Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 If you are the one who made him decide to settle down he is not settling for you at all. If you did not have all the items on the checklist he would not be marrying you. Don't don't follow the same movie version of romance that many women do.
Author Jesper Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 I suppose there are a couple issues here. One is that I do feel like it's a possibility that he's settling. I don't think it's his love for me that is making him want to settle down; I think it's his age, the fact that he's balding/gaining weight, and the fact that at least 3/4s of his friends are married - even the ones who are my age! Sometimes I feel like he thinks I'm the last hot girl he can get, and that's why he wants to get married. And it really bugs me that he stopped working out. He worked out to maintain a great body through his 20s and with his last several hot, young g/fs. He even worked out at the beginning of our relationship. And now he's completely let himself go, and it's not so much the tummy he's gotten, or the ball of fat he's gotten under his jaw (it's not really a double chin, not sure what it's called) that bothers me; it's the fact that he cared to maintain his body with other girls, and now with me he's lazy. I can't even get him to work out with me. Unless of course he's going on vacation to Hawaii or something, and then he'll work out like crazy to get his body back. The second issue is his boredom. To be brief, I'm concerned that bored people are actually boring people, and I don't want to feel like he expects me to entertain him. I also don't want to feel like getting married is a solution to his boredom (in addition to just doing what everyone else is doing - he experimented with drugs, now he wants to experiment with marriage). That attitude wouldn't make for a lasting marriage.
meerkat stew Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 People settle into routines as they age. It's part of life, so wouldn't worry about this part. It seems that his physical decline is your biggest issue. Describe further please. What was/is his waist size? Past/current weight? over what timeframe has this changed?
torranceshipman Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Possibly the bigger problem here is that you know he is considering marriage, and its made you realize that he might not be the right guy. To be fair he doesnt exactly sound dynamic and you sound a lot more upbeat...do you really want to sign up to a lifetime with a man who is bored (and as you say, and I agree with) possibly just generically boring as a result? Hate to say it but I think you can do better. Also one of my best friends (guy) married a girl cause she met his perfect checklist re: marriage material but we call her 'safe bet' in private as she was his 'safe bet' - good mom, not many guy friends, will never cheat, stay at home type, but blatantly not love of his life (he's already cheated, the dirtbag). Not saying thats what your guy is thinking - just a related example I could think of...
Author Jesper Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 People settle into routines as they age. It's part of life, so wouldn't worry about this part. It seems that his physical decline is your biggest issue. Describe further please. What was/is his waist size? Past/current weight? over what timeframe has this changed? I don't think it's so much his physical decline that is my issue, as what his physical decline may or may not represent/mean. I'm not sure what his waist size is (I think a 33, and I don't think it's changed with his weight gain; he has very narrow hips, so if anything his jeans fit better now...his suits are all too tight now though), and I'm also not sure about his weight (he doesn't even own a scale). When we first started dating he had very little fat and 6 pack abs. Once we became "serious" or whatever you want to call it, he completely stopped working out. Now he has that fat under his chin, a beer belly, and fairly sizable love handles (like that muffintop thing girls get). He gets tired out every time we have sex. I'm still physically attracted to him. It really annoys me that he won't even work out with me (once I got him to work out with me at home, and it was awesome, I got so turned on and at the end of our workout we hooked up on the living room floor). He completely let himself go; BUT he took an entire month off of work and planned to go to places like Hawaii and Florida (to party with friends). So he spent all kinds of time getting back into shape for the trip, so he could look good for other women. Then as soon as vacay was over, he stopped working out again. See the pattern here? He works out to look good for past g/fs and for random women on the beach and at bars, but doesn't care about me enough to want to work out for me! Possibly the bigger problem here is that you know he is considering marriage, and its made you realize that he might not be the right guy. To be fair he doesnt exactly sound dynamic and you sound a lot more upbeat...do you really want to sign up to a lifetime with a man who is bored (and as you say, and I agree with) possibly just generically boring as a result? Hate to say it but I think you can do better. Also one of my best friends (guy) married a girl cause she met his perfect checklist re: marriage material but we call her 'safe bet' in private as she was his 'safe bet' - good mom, not many guy friends, will never cheat, stay at home type, but blatantly not love of his life (he's already cheated, the dirtbag). Not saying thats what your guy is thinking - just a related example I could think of... This sounds just like how I feel - like I'm the "safe bet." And if he's bored, he should go out and get a hobby! But I asked him what would make him feel more fulfilled and he didn't even think about it. I've tried to get him to get involved with some of the stuff I do, but he's not interested (just for example, I have a museum membership and am involved in that; I take krav maga classes, etc.).
meerkat stew Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Only you can decide if physical fitness is a dealbreaker, but it sounds like he is headed into a less healthy lifestyle and the accompanying body shape. If it is important to you, you need to have a serious talk and work in that if he ever wants to marry and have children down the road, being in good shape is a necessity for being good parents who can protect and care for their children, and once they come, leisure time for working out will be a luxury, so the time to get fit is now.
Author Jesper Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 Only you can decide if physical fitness is a dealbreaker, but it sounds like he is headed into a less healthy lifestyle and the accompanying body shape. If it is important to you, you need to have a serious talk and work in that if he ever wants to marry and have children down the road, being in good shape is a necessity for being good parents who can protect and care for their children, and once they come, leisure time for working out will be a luxury, so the time to get fit is now. That's a good point, maybe I'll bring it up to him that way. Just for the record, his physical appearance isn't a dealbreaker for me; it's just the fact that he worked out in the past to impress his g/fs, and he still will work out to impress random women pisses me off and contributes to my feeling like he's "settling" for me. I guess if he really loved me (instead of settling) he would care more what I think and be less concerned what randoms think. Why would he work out to impress past g/fs and not me?
Author Jesper Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 Possibly the bigger problem here is that you know he is considering marriage, and its made you realize that he might not be the right guy. To be fair he doesnt exactly sound dynamic and you sound a lot more upbeat...do you really want to sign up to a lifetime with a man who is bored (and as you say, and I agree with) possibly just generically boring as a result? Hate to say it but I think you can do better. I think another thing about this (the part that I'm having such a hard time articulating) goes back to him having so many experiences and his only hobby being drinking. He spent 15 years partying and ****ing, experimenting with drugs, visiting Vegas and other places, chasing the party experience. He's slowed WAY down since we started dating (though clearly, as evidenced by his month off of work to party, not entirely), but I feel like a lot of it (again) is because of his age/looks (doesn't get the same attention from women in bars as he used to, plus he gets wicked hungover every time he drinks, and he has fewer people to go out with, as his friends are all settling down, and working on their first or second marriage and having babies). I don't have those experiences. I haven't had many sexual partners, I've never done any drugs, I like going out and drinking on weekends, but it's not that important to me. I did that in college, but not nearly to the extent he did. When I travel, I like to go places with culture, and I definitely like to go experience the nightlife, but that's not my end goal in going someplace new. And, I would much rather go on vacation whitewater rafting down the Colorado River than spend a week laying on a beach in Hawaii getting wasted all day and all night. S. is game to do things I suggest, or go places I want to go, but he always says "Oh I looked online and it got bad reviews" or "Some friends of mine went there and were really disappointed." That last he said recently when I told him I want to go to Ireland. The friends he mentioned are big partiers also. I was like, ummmm yeah, I don't want to go there for a good party experience. All of this sounds so negative, but is this making my issue with his "boredom" more clear? Partly I feel like he's already heading for his midlife crisis.
torranceshipman Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Lol...he sounds a bit like my ex! My situation used to be v.similar to how yours is now. My partner that I have now is pretty much like me (& we both kinda sound like you, in terms of how we live our lives, our outlook, etc). I feel so much happier as a result, as I really have someone who has the same outlook on life as me. I think your guy is holding you back. I'm even on the same page as you that he can still be sexy if he puts on weight, etc - but that it is what the weight represents that is the big turn off! I still think you can do better..
Author Jesper Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 Lol...he sounds a bit like my ex! My situation used to be v.similar to how yours is now. My partner that I have now is pretty much like me (& we both kinda sound like you, in terms of how we live our lives, our outlook, etc). I feel so much happier as a result, as I really have someone who has the same outlook on life as me. I think your guy is holding you back. I'm even on the same page as you that he can still be sexy if he puts on weight, etc - but that it is what the weight represents that is the big turn off! I still think you can do better.. Maybe you're right. I'll definitely think about that. I'm not quite ready to throw the towel in yet (is it ever that easy?); I know I'm writing a lot of negative things here, but of course there are good things also, or I wouldn't have been with him this long. Maybe the biggest thing is that I'm terrified if we get married he'll eventually get bored with that also, and with me. I mean, he seems to always be looking for a good time, but clearly he doesn't find that fulfilling, yet he doesn't make the effort to find something REAL to ease his restlessness. I don't know how to bring this up with him; I can't even be articulate on here.
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