NicholeLopez Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 There's this guy. I met him over a year ago through work. I saw him here and there - casual and friendly. After awhile, we started hanging out a lot and he made a lot of effort to see me/talk to me. He made it clear he was attracted and I knew it was beyond physical. It was emotional and mental as well. Here's the thing. He has a girlfriend. He told me if he was single he would love to date me, but he would never cheat on her. I told him that we shouldn't be doing what we were doing because I felt like I was being disrespectful to the woman he was with (we never did anything physical, only spoke of personal, deep and meaningful things) and also I didn't want to feel too much for someone that wouldn't reciprocate. He told me he wanted to leave her and was planning on it. He expressed how he was unhappy and is still with her because he felt like there was no other way until I came along, and also because it's hard since they live/work together. My logic in situations like these is that: I don't want a man to leave their girlfriend for me. I want them to end the relationship because they realized that the woman was wrong for him.. Because he doesn't know me well enough to know if I'm right for him and what matters is him knowing that she is wrong for him (Confusing I know). So, one night he told me he was trying to move out. I didn't mean for it to come out like this but I also didn't care to correct my statement, but he left thinking that - I like him but don't know if I would even date him after he leaves her. After that night, everything changed. Now, two months later he's still with her. I just realized how much of a connection I had with him. I know the reason for the change is either 1) He realized he can't leave the woman and they worked it out, or 2) He got the impression I wasn't interested and didn't want to leave her unless he knew he could have me for sure. What do you think it is? Should forget it and have him always be that one guy that is so perfect for me that I let get away? (Actually never had but still) Should I have made my feelings more clear, would it have mattered in his decision? =/
Stung Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 It is within the realm of possibility that it was either option 1 or 2. However, my guess would be that it was actually 3: he was playing you. It's one that a lot of women fall for, the 'I'm too noble to cheat, oh, but you're so amazing and different and delectable that I'm going to turn out to be powerless to resist you.' When you didn't go for it the way he was hoping, he backed away, and made that your fault for not wanting him enough. I'm sorry you were hurt by this guy and are left feeling regret and confusion, but IMO you should chalk it up to experience and move on.
Satisfaction Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 It is within the realm of possibility that it was either option 1 or 2. However, my guess would be that it was actually 3: he was playing you. It's one that a lot of women fall for, the 'I'm too noble to cheat, oh, but you're so amazing and different and delectable that I'm going to turn out to be powerless to resist you.' When you didn't go for it the way he was hoping, he backed away, and made that your fault for not wanting him enough. I'm sorry you were hurt by this guy and are left feeling regret and confusion, but IMO you should chalk it up to experience and move on. yep, that's right. He is someone who can't bear to be alone and he was grooming you to be his backup. Worse, for nearly two years he has blocked you from actively trying to meet someone who could genuinely love you instead of manipulating you so heartlessly that he has made YOU feel like you missed an opportunity.
Author NicholeLopez Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 yep, that's right. He is someone who can't bear to be alone and he was grooming you to be his backup. Worse, for nearly two years he has blocked you from actively trying to meet someone who could genuinely love you instead of manipulating you so heartlessly that he has made YOU feel like you missed an opportunity. Yea that is also another Big possibility.. It's just... He didn't keep me from any possibilities and he knew that. He didn't tie me down and he didn't hold any claims on me whatsoever. The time we were, I guess, talking intimately(?) only lasted a few months. He was also the most genuine guy I've ever met - So real, down to earth, extremely blunt. I know you can say: Well, he couldn't have been so real if he was acting like that towards you when he had a girlfriend.. And maybe I'm being naive, but he was a solid, decent, real man. But you're right.. I'm left feeling like I missed an opportunity and it's pathetic.. When really me not making it seem like I liked him enough shouldn't be a dealbreaker. Yet, after a horrible, horrible past relaionship I am finally after two years becoming emotionally involved again. And through all the guys I've dated between my ex and now, the only one I actually felt a real connection with was him.. Even though we never really dated.
torranceshipman Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 a) he is a coward (how was there 'no way' for him to leave his girlfriend before you? what BS). b) he is a playa: I doubt he ever intended on leaving her and has definitely cheated before. You are well rid of him.
torranceshipman Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 He was also the most genuine guy I've ever met - So real, down to earth, extremely blunt. I know you can say: Well, he couldn't have been so real if he was acting like that towards you when he had a girlfriend.. And maybe I'm being naive, but he was a solid, decent, real man. Think about it...he was hoping to cheat on his girlfriend. Yet you think he is the most genuine guy you ever met. See the conflict? He is NOT genuine, he is a complete liar! Interesting that you recently came out of a really bad R, as vulnerable, naive types of women are the types that serial cheaters usually target.
Author NicholeLopez Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 I'm starting to think I will never find a decent man. It's been too long.
Author NicholeLopez Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 a) he is a coward (how was there 'no way' for him to leave his girlfriend before you? what BS). By that I meant: Before, by being so confined to the relationship for so long he was so stuck that he didn't even realize his own unhappiness.. Like, the option didn't occur to him to leave her. He thought that being with her was the only way, and that he didn't think to find happiness somewhere else.... I understood because I've been in a situation like that.
boogieboy Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 If he wanted to leave her, he would have. Bottom line. Theres no reason for him to stay with her if he was unhappy. He was hoping everything he told you would make you jump his bones without him looking like he was trying to jump yours. Its classic player moves. Not only that, would you really want to be with a man who is (supposedly) emotionally involved with another woman while he was with you? He's capable of it, and he was seizing you up to be a backup, and he knows how attached you are. He may be a solid man, but he aint decent. Youre putting the thoughts in your own head that HE is the only one you can have a connection with, theres plenty of people out there, you just have to look for them. DOnt narrow your choices down to an involved guy just because you dont want to look.
carhill Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 He's a monkey-branch personality. Pretty good I might add. Convincing verbiage. Glad to see his actions were honest. He's still with her. You can assume his lines have been practiced on many others. Such polish does not happen without practice. I like him but don't know if I would even date him after he leaves her. Healthy, IMO. Good instinct.
Author NicholeLopez Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 If he wanted to leave her, he would have. Bottom line. Theres no reason for him to stay with her if he was unhappy. He was hoping everything he told you would make you jump his bones without him looking like he was trying to jump yours. Its classic player moves. Not only that, would you really want to be with a man who is (supposedly) emotionally involved with another woman while he was with you? He's capable of it, and he was seizing you up to be a backup, and he knows how attached you are. He may be a solid man, but he aint decent. Youre putting the thoughts in your own head that HE is the only one you can have a connection with, theres plenty of people out there, you just have to look for them. DOnt narrow your choices down to an involved guy just because you dont want to look. You are absolutely right. I don't know why I was fooling myself. I stupidly sent him an email last night saying we should meet up. He replied and agreed. What do I do now? Pretend it never happened? Or reply and retract the statement? I fail. Haha.
Satisfaction Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Yea that is also another Big possibility.. It's just... He didn't keep me from any possibilities and he knew that. He didn't tie me down and he didn't hold any claims on me whatsoever. The time we were, I guess, talking intimately(?) only lasted a few months. He was also the most genuine guy I've ever met - So real, down to earth, extremely blunt. I know you can say: Well, he couldn't have been so real if he was acting like that towards you when he had a girlfriend.. And maybe I'm being naive, but he was a solid, decent, real man. I'm left feeling like I missed an opportunity and it's pathetic.. When really me not making it seem like I liked him enough shouldn't be a dealbreaker. Yet, after a horrible, horrible past relaionship I am finally after two years becoming emotionally involved again. And through all the guys I've dated between my ex and now, the only one I actually felt a real connection with was him.. Even though we never really dated. But he did keep you from seeing anyone else. You sound like a pretty decent girl from the way you write. People take that to be vulnerablity and literally trap you by your morals into not looking for anyone else. Its not the same but its kind of the male equivalent of a woman who intentionally gets pregnant to keep a man in her life. So he is taking everything that you have and giving you the time that he can spare from his girlfriend. I am thinking you ex must have been a bastard of spectacular proportions for you to think so highly of mr scumbag here. You can have more than this, you can have great deep conversation, plan trips to places you places you have never been, great sex, early morning cuddles, listening to his boring fascination with a football team, dirty socks in the back of the wardrobe...
Satisfaction Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 ...and all the other joys of being in a couple. you already sent the email. Don't worry about it. Meet him, he will probably think that he will get sex. Before you think how good it would feel to have his body against yours think first, would he be any good in bed? Will I feel good if he gets up after 10 mins and says i have to go back to my girlfriend now? Or he goes at it for hours but you still feel frustrated and unsatisfied at the end? But you shouldn't wait that long. you can normally tell in the beginning! What do you want to say to him? post it in here instead. There is a thread for that.
boogieboy Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 You dont owe him anything. He has his gf, you could stand him up and not answer his calls ever again. He deserves it, he doesnt need an explanation. Cut him off for life.
Author NicholeLopez Posted January 28, 2010 Author Posted January 28, 2010 Sorry I haven't been on this in awhile... Well, after my original email to him he responded and seemed casual and semi distant but aggreed to my invitation to meet up. I told him I would email him when I was back in the area a week later. He called me a couple days after that though and we talked for a bit. It was nice.. friendly, casual and not awkward. It's hard for me to believe that he is a bad guy.
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