USMCHokie Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 This question stems from the recent shirtless thread... Does modesty even have its place in online dating? Are we supposed to lay it all out on the line and show off everything about us...? Doesn't that create unnecessarily high expectations of the people behind the profile and disappointment if the real person doesn't meet those expections? Or does modesty just get us shoved down to the bottom of the pack? For example, the shirtless nonsense...let's say a guy doesn't have shirtless pictures and only says he has an 'athletic' build...yet he has other attractive qualities which leads to the two of you meeting up...and you discover he is a freakin' Adonis with abs that ants could use as ski slopes... Would this create a positive reaction...? He probably exceeds your expectations coming in...and probably makes you even more attracted to him after meeting him... But on the other hand, if he was a truly confident, modest person who "under-advertised" this quality, or any other quality such as career, money, or any personality traits like sense of humor, would he have been overlooked? Where do you find the balance...?
Crazy Magnet Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I suppose that would be like me posting a cleavage shot? I think there should be some mystery left to the person you are meeting. Some questions you want to ask, some information you want to know about them. In terms of picture, I always posted one of my face, one of me from the waist up, and one full length picture (at least). I didn't want anybody to question my build. My strategy was to put out a lot of interesting facts about myself that would make the reader go "Wow, how did she get to do that!?!...Oh, I should ask her!" It was a great way to generate conversation,but always left more questions to be asked. I guess I wasn't attempting to advertise any quality though, I was trying to convey what an interesting person I was.
mushmush Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 (edited) I have just jumped on the online dating scene for the first time. I would never post a shirtless photo of myself. Not that I dont have a good body, i'm just more modest and want to attact someone on a less superficial level. Guys that do this come across to me as being self centered and complete idiots. Not to mention insecure in their personalities. You can guarentee it's all about them and their needs. Now i'm no expert on online dating but I was very honest, modest and positive in my profile. I described what I like doing and why I like doing them. I also said a little bit about my work and goals. Been online dating for a day and have 6 positive responses from girls who want to get to know me better and vice versa. Reason I contacted these girls in the first place is because their profiles came across to me as being positive and confident as well as being modest. To me modesty shows confidence in who you are. If you put it all out there, to me it comes across as being a tad desperate. Girls that just prattle off a long list of their personality traits is not attractive. Edited January 21, 2010 by mushmush
deux ex machina Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 (edited) This question stems from the recent shirtless thread... Does modesty even have its place in online dating? Are we supposed to lay it all out on the line and show off everything about us...? Doesn't that create unnecessarily high expectations of the people behind the profile and disappointment if the real person doesn't meet those expections? Or does modesty just get us shoved down to the bottom of the pack? For example, the shirtless nonsense...let's say a guy doesn't have shirtless pictures and only says he has an 'athletic' build...yet he has other attractive qualities which leads to the two of you meeting up...and you discover he is a freakin' Adonis with abs that ants could use as ski slopes... Would this create a positive reaction...? He probably exceeds your expectations coming in...and probably makes you even more attracted to him after meeting him... But on the other hand, if he was a truly confident, modest person who "under-advertised" this quality, or any other quality such as career, money, or any personality traits like sense of humor, would he have been overlooked? Where do you find the balance...? It's a good question. Especially as far as photos are concerned. I have read advice for online dating people to put their best photo up there, with special advice on angles, and all of that sort of thing...so reading this, I just kept thinking: wouldn't one want to surprise to the upside? Because let's face it - lighting, angles, cropping, and so many other factors can make a person look completely different than they actually do. I think putting up a nice, yet realistic photo is best. Then again, like you said a person could get overlooked. In the end I still think erring on the side of modesty is best. A big part of the problem is expectations, and how those are out of our hands sometimes. The best anyone can do is manage them. I think that is one reason advice is often given to meet as soon as possible, too. People can start building eachother up into something that doesn't resemble reality. Edited January 21, 2010 by deux ex machina
Trialbyfire Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 IMO, people should lay their intelligence and sense of humour on the line, not by telling everyone they have those two traits but to show it, through their text.
sharkhunter Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 This question stems from the recent shirtless thread... Does modesty even have its place in online dating? Are we supposed to lay it all out on the line and show off everything about us...? Doesn't that create unnecessarily high expectations of the people behind the profile and disappointment if the real person doesn't meet those expections? Or does modesty just get us shoved down to the bottom of the pack? For example, the shirtless nonsense...let's say a guy doesn't have shirtless pictures and only says he has an 'athletic' build...yet he has other attractive qualities which leads to the two of you meeting up...and you discover he is a freakin' Adonis with abs that ants could use as ski slopes... Would this create a positive reaction...? He probably exceeds your expectations coming in...and probably makes you even more attracted to him after meeting him... But on the other hand, if he was a truly confident, modest person who "under-advertised" this quality, or any other quality such as career, money, or any personality traits like sense of humor, would he have been overlooked? Where do you find the balance...? you are a marine. you don't need online dating
Author USMCHokie Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 you are a marine. you don't need online dating Hah, thanks...I don't do online dating anymore...this question was just more for pondering...
sharkhunter Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 BTW, what's your MOS? I'm 21B (Army NG) Just got back from "Ghani" before x-mas already have orders for May! Back to the same hellhole!
Author USMCHokie Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 BTW, what's your MOS? 4402. I'm a lawyer...
sharkhunter Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 4402. I'm a lawyer... whoa! hopefully I'll never need one of those! If I was ever court marshaled , could I have a Marine lawyer? lol
tami-chan Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Ahh...military men....thank you guys for your service! so USMCHokie...(yay va tech!) let's have a look-see on your profile..throw in a pic..esp, a "not-so-modest" pic ..I mean, we will have to judge it on whether it is really "not-so-modest" or not....how about it, huh?
Author USMCHokie Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 Ahh...military men....thank you guys for your service! so USMCHokie...(yay va tech!) let's have a look-see on your profile..throw in a pic..esp, a "not-so-modest" pic ..I mean, we will have to judge it on whether it is really "not-so-modest" or not....how about it, huh? I appreciate your support. And then it got awkward...
meerkat stew Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 There are many ways to subtly toot your horn in an online profile while simultaneously maintaining an air of modesty, even in pictures. For example, a shirtless picture while flexing for the camera? Not so good. A shirtless picture working on a habitat for humanity house? Not so bad
D-Jam Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 The problem is that people are more obsessed with results than they are with ideal matches. Both men and women on these sites seem to be more out either to get a date with anyone or to find an above-average person who happens to be on the site. Women need to bear in mind a lot of guys join dating sites to meet women, but a lot of guys also join just looking for flings. Someone to take out once or twice and then lay. Men need to bear in mind a lot of women join dating sites to meet men, some want a guy they could never get in the real world, others just want Mr Right...but there are also a lot of women who join dating sites just to get attention. They want to see tons of men wanting them, even though they have no intention of dating any of them. So we ask about the modesty issue. I say things have gotten to the point that your online profile isn't a starting point to get to know you, but more a big online ad of you. For those who have the good bodies and faces, they will show it all off...as well as those who have high incomes. They're out under the belief they'll find love in a trophy. The hot chick with skimpy photos wants an alpha male adonis who has a high income lifetstyle. The shirtless pic guy is probably seeking a hot gal to lay. Most of the rest (men and women) are hoping to end up on a date with an aspiring model, business tycoon, or some piece of eye candy they could never get out in public. In the end, this is why many singles need to think further than the profiles. I give credit to someone like b52s that he tries to meet new people in meetups and such, despite how many more show up and immediately dismiss the whole thing because there aren't any "hot" people there. In my book the meetups and social affairs are better for many than just sitting there on a profile sending emails and winks. We lost the social aspect of it. I'm sure many get on the dating sites and go profile to profile looking for a profile they'll instantly feel chemistry with and sparks. I'm talking about they want to be in lust for the person before they even talk to him/her or meet...hence why a lot of profiles get passed up. People expect too much too soon, and they'll go further and further out of the modesty or brief modes to get the numbers of people coming rather than seeking out the ideal match.
flc Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 The profile is your resume and like a resume it needs to get you in the door so you can show who you are. Like a resume it should highlight your good qualities and downplay bad ones, you should not lie as with a job interview if your found to be a lier your toast. Pictures should show how you actually look but I would dress well, smile and project yourself. Putting up shirtless picks are Ok if you are into outdoor activities and a picture like this shows you in the activity, otherwise it is just screams sex. My 2c
sharkhunter Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Ahh...military men....thank you guys for your service! Anything for you TC
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