MizzBlue72 Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Well, I was told today by my best friend that I AM the woman that every woman hates - the OW. Yeah, I can come on this board and post because it is anonymous, but it still doesn't change the fact of what I did. MM is now soon to be divorced, he is moving here and his wife is ok with it. Yes, they have filed and everything. I am glad that he will be here, he is here most of the time anyway, but that doesn't replace the guilt that I feel or have felt. I KNOW for a fact they did NOT D over 'us' - since there was no us, but I still feel ashamed. I still hurt, and I need to accept the fact that yeah, I WAS the OW .... it's a part of my history that I can NOT change. I CAN say now though that I will never be the OW again. I also accept the fact that IF we do start dating, my friends will not accept who we are because of how we started. It hurts ... it really does.
fooled once Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 MizzB Umm..... a month ago, I thought you guys had broken up. Dish - what's happened???
Author MizzBlue72 Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 We DID break up, now we are wondering if we can get back together. I'm not against it, especially since they are really getting a D. We started talking again, one thing led to another. I love him. I know he loves me too. We are both unsure of the future, but willing to try it out.
Author MizzBlue72 Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 Oh yes!! We BOTH agree that slow is the only way to go. He has his own house, I have mine. Will see how thinggs work out.
pureinheart Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Well, I was told today by my best friend that I AM the woman that every woman hates - the OW. Yeah, I can come on this board and post because it is anonymous, but it still doesn't change the fact of what I did. MM is now soon to be divorced, he is moving here and his wife is ok with it. Yes, they have filed and everything. I am glad that he will be here, he is here most of the time anyway, but that doesn't replace the guilt that I feel or have felt. I KNOW for a fact they did NOT D over 'us' - since there was no us, but I still feel ashamed. I still hurt, and I need to accept the fact that yeah, I WAS the OW .... it's a part of my history that I can NOT change. I CAN say now though that I will never be the OW again. I also accept the fact that IF we do start dating, my friends will not accept who we are because of how we started. It hurts ... it really does. MB, I'm sure you've heard this one, although....councelling. I'm not sure where your at spiritually, although whoever or whatever you report to so-to-speak confess what you know to be wrong, possibly make a list, confess it and burn it. The biggest thing I found with me is I had a difficult time forgiving me....and you know I took a bunch of shame that was not mine. If your friends cannot accept your man, then find new friends. "Friends" should love you for who you are and your choices. They do not pay your bills, nor are they always there when you have cried during those late nights of pain....most friends think they have your best interests at heart, and they really do, yet sometimes they can be very controlling, expecting you to hold to standards that they have established for you. I would venture to say that you have standards that they could not come close to, yet you do not make stupid demands on them, saying that you will not accept them.... This is what makes every single one of us unique. There have been a few people in my life that have been totally judgemental, although they are not there long.... MB, OW is just a term, and it can have a negative conotation attached, causing too much condemnation....
Heather1 Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I hope this works out for you... This is probably something you shouldn't talk to your BF about. I've tested the waters with several of my friends & never told any of them what happened because of their reactions to the bare minimal. If he's what you want, be excited!! But don't gloat, cuz I'm kind of in a rut right now (ha, ha). It's not going to be easy. I know what you mean though. I was driving my Mom & her best friend in the car one day, both had married serial cheaters (long divorced). The friend made a comment about her xH's affairs (she hates him) and my Mom said something about OW (not a nice comment) I felt like crap. I'm the woman they hate....it was awful!
pureinheart Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I hope this works out for you... This is probably something you shouldn't talk to your BF about. I've tested the waters with several of my friends & never told any of them what happened because of their reactions to the bare minimal. If he's what you want, be excited!! But don't gloat, cuz I'm kind of in a rut right now (ha, ha). It's not going to be easy. I know what you mean though. I was driving my Mom & her best friend in the car one day, both had married serial cheaters (long divorced). The friend made a comment about her xH's affairs (she hates him) and my Mom said something about OW (not a nice comment) I felt like crap. I'm the woman they hate....it was awful! (((((Heather1)))))....not saying anything bad about your mom and friend....sometimes people like to hang on to things like they are lifelines....especially things that cause hurt. I am sure they did not mean you, even if they were to know. They both were M to Serial Cheaters, so instead of looking at the real problem, they chose to blame OW...it's easier and very common. You know it's one thing to comment about a bad situation, although I think this stuff was never worked out. Serial Cheaters are very difficult to heal from. For me, I did not care about the A's that happened to me and don't have any hard feelings...the only thing I haven't quite worked completely out yet is that my ex's didn't pay child support and shined on the kids...the A was a small issue to me.
OWoman Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Well, I was told today by my best friend that I AM the woman that every woman hates - the OW. Not EVERY woman - just the insecure ones. Good luck MB - hope things work out for you. Sorry you're surrounded by such narrow-minded people...
silktricks Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Well, I was told today by my best friend that I AM the woman that every woman hates - the OW. Yeah, I can come on this board and post because it is anonymous, but it still doesn't change the fact of what I did. MM is now soon to be divorced, he is moving here and his wife is ok with it. Yes, they have filed and everything. I am glad that he will be here, he is here most of the time anyway, but that doesn't replace the guilt that I feel or have felt. I KNOW for a fact they did NOT D over 'us' - since there was no us, but I still feel ashamed. I still hurt, and I need to accept the fact that yeah, I WAS the OW .... it's a part of my history that I can NOT change. I CAN say now though that I will never be the OW again. I also accept the fact that IF we do start dating, my friends will not accept who we are because of how we started. It hurts ... it really does. I feel bad for you. Don't beat yourself up over what is in the past. Learn from it (you have) and don't repeat it (you say you won't). But stop beating yourself up. You cannot go into the past to change it - ever - which truly sucks sometimes. But what was was and what is is. Be happy with who you are and if things work out between the two of you, be happy with that. If your friends don't accept him because of how you started - well, too bad for them. If you are happy with him, then let them see that. (It seems like you've got some pretty judgmental friends, though). Go with the flow. Take a day at a time and let happiness bloom if it will.
Hazyhead Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Mizz, do you know for sure that your friends wont support you? That's pretty harsh and judgemental of them. I agree with the others that they're not true friends. Live your life for you - the guilt is hard enough without others heaping it on to you too. But I agree with FO, take it slow. An affair is usually acted out in a rushed manner - stolen time, etc. but it creates more stability if you go into the relationship as it is now slowly. I really hope it works out for you
Fallen Angel Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Well, I was told today by my best friend that I AM the woman that every woman hates - the OW. Yeah, I can come on this board and post because it is anonymous, but it still doesn't change the fact of what I did. MM is now soon to be divorced, he is moving here and his wife is ok with it. Yes, they have filed and everything. I am glad that he will be here, he is here most of the time anyway, but that doesn't replace the guilt that I feel or have felt. I KNOW for a fact they did NOT D over 'us' - since there was no us, but I still feel ashamed. I still hurt, and I need to accept the fact that yeah, I WAS the OW .... it's a part of my history that I can NOT change. I CAN say now though that I will never be the OW again. I also accept the fact that IF we do start dating, my friends will not accept who we are because of how we started. It hurts ... it really does. I find this very sad... I am sure it hurts. I am wondering though what kind of friend puts conditions on their love.. that makes me the most sad for you. I have friends that do not agree with what i am doing, but it doesn't change how much they love me, or the unconditional support of ME (if not for my affair) that they show. I mean, they do not condone the affair, but because they love me, they accept My MM as a part of my life, without question, without judgement, or if they do judge or resent him, they keep it to themselves. I am sorry that you are being made to feel poorly, I hope things get better for you. ((hugs))
torranceshipman Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Mizz, do you know for sure that your friends wont support you? That's pretty harsh and judgemental of them. I agree with the others that they're not true friends. Live your life for you - the guilt is hard enough without others heaping it on to you too. But I agree with FO, take it slow. An affair is usually acted out in a rushed manner - stolen time, etc. but it creates more stability if you go into the relationship as it is now slowly. I really hope it works out for you A true friend will tell you what they think is best for you, regardless of whether you want to hear it. So make sure you can tell the difference between unsupportive (bad) or truly concerned for your welfare, coupled with an attitude that the MM, who has put you through the wringer before, needs to prove himself before they'll accept him, because they truly think a lot of you (good) or tell you home truths when you need to hear them, as they are more objective and want to save you from getting hurt (also good). What I am saying is...don't throw away a great friendship, just make sure its a crappy friendship first if you want to throw it away.
GreenEyedLady Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 I have to say that I must have the best friend in the whole world... She was a BS before I found out I was in the midst of an A and her H left her, for a stripper no less (tacky)... She never judged me and I didn't talk to her too much about it, but I can honestly say that she was a support for me...And she never judged me... If your friends are judging you and would not consider your R legitimate, then I have to ask: Are they legitimate friends? Because they don't sound like it. Surround yourself with people who love you and support you. You don't need fair weather friends. GEL
crystal_lostheart Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 I'm so sorry to hear this. My BF told me if I ended up with MM she would consider not being my friend at all b/c she was so against it.... in her way it was trying to protect me, trying to make me see that he was no good for me. But the way she went about it was wrong by judging so harshly. I told her that our friendship should not be based on a 'contract' that I feel I have to sign and meet her expectations or approval about certain situations. Whether or not she agreed or disagreed about my situation - she should have just shown support and not dished out threats.... It hurt me terribly..... I understand how you feel. Talk to your friend about how you feel. I spoke to my BF, she did see my point and understood. She just detested him that much and didn't want to see me hurt.... Could your friend maybe be acting the same???? Or is she just being purely judgmental about A's?
pureinheart Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 I'm so sorry to hear this. My BF told me if I ended up with MM she would consider not being my friend at all b/c she was so against it.... in her way it was trying to protect me, trying to make me see that he was no good for me. But the way she went about it was wrong by judging so harshly. I told her that our friendship should not be based on a 'contract' that I feel I have to sign and meet her expectations or approval about certain situations. Whether or not she agreed or disagreed about my situation - she should have just shown support and not dished out threats.... It hurt me terribly..... I understand how you feel. Talk to your friend about how you feel. I spoke to my BF, she did see my point and understood. She just detested him that much and didn't want to see me hurt.... Could your friend maybe be acting the same???? Or is she just being purely judgmental about A's? You know the word "ignorance" comes to mind and lack of understanding mixed with a little arrogance. I have used the excuse of having and individuals "best interest" at heart...did I really? Nope. People will be people, either we accept them for who they are or walk away. It is not up to me to figure out what is right or wrong for another person, EVEN if they are very close to me. I can give my opinion and leave it at that. Certain issues I may press hard on, although it is in the way a person presents it....even in this forum with nothing but typing going on I can "hear/read" the controlling manipulations, mixed with their own unresolved anger and bitterness...somehow one just can't hide that no matter how hard they try. CL, in what is in "bold", did that make you feel like she was coping out with that statement....this is what that says to me...*I hate him because "I think" (opinion) he is an a** and you are too stupid to see it*
pureinheart Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 Quote: Originally Posted by MizzBlue72 Well, I was told today by my best friend that I AM the woman that every woman hates - the OW. Not EVERY woman - just the insecure ones. Good luck MB - hope things work out for you. Sorry you're surrounded by such narrow-minded people... Wow, such few, although very powerful words....
Jeff1962 Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 When I was 16, this older woman asked me out. I think she was around 30. I was so flattered and she was totally hot, I did not question it at all. I was so naive at the time that I said sure, maybe we can go get some coffee or something. Well, she had something else in mind. Like I said, I was a tad naive at the time. We slept together. Turns out that she was married and this was a revenge affair for her. I had NO idea that she was married. This continued for a few weeks. When she finally told me, I at first did not know what to think. I was young. Even though I wanted sex, I broke it off with her. Ended up her husband found out and he came after me. I ran. I was once the other man but unknowingly.
crystal_lostheart Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 You know the word "ignorance" comes to mind and lack of understanding mixed with a little arrogance. I have used the excuse of having and individuals "best interest" at heart...did I really? Nope. People will be people, either we accept them for who they are or walk away. It is not up to me to figure out what is right or wrong for another person, EVEN if they are very close to me. I can give my opinion and leave it at that. Certain issues I may press hard on, although it is in the way a person presents it....even in this forum with nothing but typing going on I can "hear/read" the controlling manipulations, mixed with their own unresolved anger and bitterness...somehow one just can't hide that no matter how hard they try. CL, in what is in "bold", did that make you feel like she was coping out with that statement....this is what that says to me...*I hate him because "I think" (opinion) he is an a** and you are too stupid to see it* No she cared and thought I had so much more to offer than to be with him. Look she was right about him but she was so wrong in the way she brought it across, especially as a friend and threatening out friendship. She judged very harshly
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