atlnay Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 As an OW, you get questioned on why knowingly 'share' another. I guess to a degree we have it easier since we know up front our MM/W is a cheater. As a BS, before you married your spouse, did you know they were a cheater? What were there signs of cheating? Did you catch them? Did you turn a blind eye hoping marriage would 'fix' the problem? Were the 100% faithful to you for the entirety of your courtship only to cheat after getting M?
hopesndreams Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Yes, I knew he was a cheater, he cheated twice on his 1st W. I didn't have an understanding of what his cheating meant back then, having never done it or had it done to me, so I figured his past had nothing to do with us and our future happiness together. I didn't catch the signs quick enough because I had complete trust and faith in my H. We had a good M, solid, never thought in a million years he was capable of such a thing. Even though he had done it in the past to his 1st W, it just didn't apply to him doing the same to me, the love of his life. As soon as I just knew, gut feeling was very strong, I confronted him, without proof. It took 3 times asking in the span of a few months before he finally broke down and cried like the big baby he was.
DNU1 Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 STBxWW and I had been dating and were exclusive...and she came to me wanting to "date around." I said, nope, either you are my girlfriend exclusively or we are done. She wanted to "date around" so I walked. Few weeks later she begged to take me back. I asked if she slept with other men and she swore no. We were engaged about a year later, then married a year after that. Can't say for sure if she ever cheated before we were married. And right now I really don't want to know if she did...or if there were other men besides the 4 I know about. I just want to move on, remember the good times in our marriage and preserve those memories for our DDs.
dazzle22 Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Behavior in past relationships is valuable information for a future lover to know because of exactly this. Did they cheat on some one in their past? That is why I think it is total nonsense to say " the past is the past. It is none of your business!". It sure as heck is my business if my husband was a cheater or promiscuous in the past! "The past informs the future" as the saying goes!
Snowflower Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 As an OW, you get questioned on why knowingly 'share' another. I guess to a degree we have it easier since we know up front our MM/W is a cheater. I think this is a fair argument. As a BS, before you married your spouse, did you know they were a cheater? What were there signs of cheating? Did you catch them? Did you turn a blind eye hoping marriage would 'fix' the problem? Were the 100% faithful to you for the entirety of your courtship only to cheat after getting M? Are these questions directed to the BS as "you should have known better?" Why do you ask? Obviously, most people, including BS, would not marry a known cheater. Who willingly sets themselves up for heartache? Also, few people (including BS) would marry someone who had already cheated on them pre-marriage in hopes that marriage would somehow fix the problem. My H, who stayed faithful for 18 years of marriage had never cheated on me before we married or in any previous relationships. I like to think I'm like most BS, I never saw it coming.
Spark1111 Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 And you know this...how, exactly? It's highly highly unlikely that someone who has NEVER cheated either in the existing relationship or "in any previous relationships" would suddenly decide after 18 years that cheating was an acceptable solution to whatever issues he felt he was trying to confront at that time. Why would that be highly unlikely? You presume that they must have cheated in the past and somehow the BS ignored it? Thought marriage would fix it? I would never knowingly get involved with someone who cheated on others or on me. Total deal breaker during my dating years. Certainly would have never married him. Many do slip down that slippery slope for whatever reason and at any time. Sometimes it actually has to do with the marriage; often it does not. Sometimes it has to do with the cheater themselves. I too, never saw it coming. In retrospect, neither did he.
Snowflower Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 And you know this...how, exactly? It's highly highly unlikely that someone who has NEVER cheated either in the existing relationship or "in any previous relationships" would suddenly decide after 18 years that cheating was an acceptable solution to whatever issues he felt he was trying to confront at that time. 1000, thank you for your kind concern about my situation! I know because I never even remotely saw my H act the way he did when he was in his A. He was completely not himself. I can only speak from my own situation, but my H was definitely not one of those spouses who was having an affair and trying to act normal at home. Instead, he was withdrawn, moody, inconsistent with whether or not he wanted to continue in the marriage, etc. As for the rest of your post, please refer to what spark wrote above. She answered it very well.
jwi71 Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 Because people tend to follow patterns of behavior they've established in the past. And these patterns must have a beginning yes? A first time?
Snowflower Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 You're in the same kind of denial as a betrayed spouse as sunflower is. You can bet your ass your husband "saw it coming," he planned it, he particpated in it, he wanted it, he hid it from you, and he lied about it. Right? First off, my avatar is SNOWflower not SUNflower but I digress. Again, thank you for your concern but you know nothing about me except for what I post here...you're free to do as you wish but I won't be responding to any of your other posts. Wasted enough time as it was.
OpenBook Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 A person doesn't wake up after 18 years of being truthful and faithful and magically transmutes into a cheating liar. At least not 99% of people. I see you've never been through a midlife crisis.
seibert253 Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 I see you've never been through a midlife crisis. I've been through my WW's, and it wasn't fun. Trust me.
Devil Inside Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 My W was not a cheater when I married her. She cheated after we where married. The signs were not necessarily about HER but more about our RELATIONSHIP. We started spending time apart, we were less affectionate in and out of the bedroom, there was an emotional distance...those are the signs to watch for.
silktricks Posted January 26, 2010 Posted January 26, 2010 My husband did not cheat in his first marriage, nor did he cheat once we settled on an exclusive dating arrangement or when we lived together prior to marriage. (Prior to exclusivity, I wouldn't call it cheating - I'd call it an open arrangement for both of us.) I can't imagine anyone thinking marriage would "fix" a problem such as that - especially someone (such as myself) whose first marriage was to a serial cheater. It didn't occur to me that my husband would cheat, especially because of the numbers of discussions we had prior to marrying about the consequences of cheating.
MizzBlue72 Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 My W was not a cheater when I married her. She cheated after we where married. The signs were not necessarily about HER but more about our RELATIONSHIP. We started spending time apart, we were less affectionate in and out of the bedroom, there was an emotional distance...those are the signs to watch for. Agreed. I think when you start spending a lot of time alone, and if the spouse starts working late all of the sudden, not coming home.
angie2443 Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 The signs were not necessarily about HER but more about our RELATIONSHIP. We started spending time apart, we were less affectionate in and out of the bedroom, there was an emotional distance...those are the signs to watch for. I understand this. I think the problem is that people who have never been cheated on before and who want to really trust their partners (Most of us do) don't know that spending time apart, less affection, etc. are signs of cheating. Many BS are told and believe that their partners have to work late or are just too stressed to be more affectionate. They, the BS, believe their partners, in part because they want to trust them and in part because they are not mind readers and just don't know any better. It's very easy, for me, after bieng on LS for so long to know these signs and how they can indicate cheating. When I was younger and more naive, I didn't have a clue.
silktricks Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 I understand this. I think the problem is that people who have never been cheated on before and who want to really trust their partners (Most of us do) don't know that spending time apart, less affection, etc. are signs of cheating. Many BS are told and believe that their partners have to work late or are just too stressed to be more affectionate. They, the BS, believe their partners, in part because they want to trust them and in part because they are not mind readers and just don't know any better. It's very easy, for me, after bieng on LS for so long to know these signs and how they can indicate cheating. When I was younger and more naive, I didn't have a clue. While these CAN be signs of cheating, they can also be signs of stress, illness, and probably a host of other things as well. Not every negative thing that happens in a marriage means the partner is cheating. In fact, if one partner believes the other is cheating - or at least no longer interested - based on these signs - that can also lead to cheating . Sometimes we are our own worst enemies.... So the key is still to be sure both are communicating and working at keeping the relationship strong.
angie2443 Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 While these CAN be signs of cheating, they can also be signs of stress, illness, and probably a host of other things as well. Not every negative thing that happens in a marriage means the partner is cheating. In fact, if one partner believes the other is cheating - or at least no longer interested - based on these signs - that can also lead to cheating . Sometimes we are our own worst enemies.... So the key is still to be sure both are communicating and working at keeping the relationship strong. Yikes! I should have worded my post better. I understand that they're are not always signs of cheating. I was trying to say that just because signs are there, and there is reason to suspect cheating, doesn't mean that a BS (assuming there is cheating here) is going to be able to know those signs. The OP came across to me as saying "You should have known better". I think that, at least for the younger, less experienced crowd, no they do not always know better.
silktricks Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Yikes! I should have worded my post better. I understand that they're are not always signs of cheating. I was trying to say that just because signs are there, and there is reason to suspect cheating, doesn't mean that a BS (assuming there is cheating here) is going to be able to know those signs. The OP came across to me as saying "You should have known better". I think that, at least for the younger, less experienced crowd, no they do not always know better. I get ya!! And I agree that the OP seemed to be telling BS that they pretty much chose the wrong person to marry based on previous actions... a fairly flawed theory IMO, as following that theory an OP would NEVER want to marry an MM/MW... as they are proven cheaters, right??? :laugh: It's just more of painting the BS as the bad person, idiot, whatever.... (we obviously asked for it... ) and, as far as knowing better, you can read the signs, but signals change with age, too. There's no book that easily helps. It still boils down to keeping the relationship strong on a day to day basis... not an easy task in our stress-filled work-filled society... but definitely worthwhile!
Snowflower Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Thanks, SK and Angie! I wasn't going to respond again on this thread but the tone seems to have changed. I tried to say much the same thing early in this thread and got really bashed for it--in fact, most of the posts (not mine) were removed. Basically, I was told I had no clue about my H when I said he had been faithful to me for the 18 years before his affair. Like I was gullible and dumb for believing in him all those years and taking his words and actions at face value. In a nutshell, somehow, I should have known better.
dprtman09 Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 While these CAN be signs of cheating, they can also be signs of stress, illness, and probably a host of other things as well. Not every negative thing that happens in a marriage means the partner is cheating. In fact, if one partner believes the other is cheating - or at least no longer interested - based on these signs - that can also lead to cheating . Sometimes we are our own worst enemies.... So the key is still to be sure both are communicating and working at keeping the relationship strong. You are correct, but one could go around and around on this issue. In my case, though, the signs were there and My W was cheating. I had to live with that for a bit before I could push for a dday. The trick is to be absolutely true to your feelings about the WS. If you love them, continue to do so. But, don't be slow about causing a dday if the evidence is clear. After all, the WS is the one who has to change their habits at that point. I think what you're saying is don't go off the deep end when it comes to suspicion. Remain objective even though it's an emotional issue. Tough, but it can be done if you really want to solve the problem.
silktricks Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 I think what you're saying is don't go off the deep end when it comes to suspicion. Remain objective even though it's an emotional issue. Tough, but it can be done if you really want to solve the problem. I kinda meant a few things... Don't live your life in suspicion and double think every single d*mn thing that happens, because there are always both good and bad things happening. You'll drive both yourself and your partner MAD (as in crazy, not angry - 'course it'll probably make 'em angry, too) . Don't be afraid to bring things out in the open and TALK about them. That's part of keeping the marriage alive and healthy. But, I also meant that in an unhealthy relationship - where either or both are too stressed or sick or whatever to keep the marriage healthy - it's possible for person A to grow somewhat remote for whatever reason. Person B can then make the assumption that person A is having an affair, and then go have one him/herself. Which is close to what happened in my life.
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