The heart wants what the heart wants

[silverplanets]

I think you missed my point. Humans are designed to be destructive by nature. Greed, hate and selfeshness are the core problems for human suffering. All negative aspects of human behavior are derived from these three areas. These three aspects are the total opposite of LOVE. We ALL have these traits. It is only thru knowledge and a different way of thinking that we can break this pattern of self destruction. You cannot take what I have said concerning this at face value. You have to really dig deep and think about it. This takes time. I planted the seed. Do with it what you will.

 

a nice analogy ...

 

It makes me ask why that seed could be so readily grown into the plant I reflected ....

 

be safe

Chris

[silverplanets]

its more like "the penis wants what the penis wants" I know people who are in commited relationships with the person they had an affair with...yes they left the marriage even though there was a list a mile long of the things it would "do to the BS" if your MM loves you he will give up anything to be with you. Its more like your heart wants to stay in your marriage (if you actually do want to be there) but your mind wants NSA sex. plain and simple.

 

BEJ - I liked this. I think you're saying that some men wander because although their heart is actually in their marriage their mind is just looking for penis fun, yes???

 

I was wondering, in these cases, if it's not perhaps more that their MIND wants to stay in their marriage (secure, no threat, comfortable, yadda, yadda) whilst their EGO is just looking for gratification (in this case via penis fun).

 

Of course, this leaves the question of where is their heart ...

[BlueeyedJonesy]

of course there are SOMEtimes..when the MM/MW's heart is actually in the A and not in the M...then why so hard to leave?? because the mind is on the M and the damage it will cause. I think IMO that the heart and the mind aren't on the same page if you have any inner battles u are facing..does that make sense?

[Chingaling]

of course there are SOMEtimes..when the MM/MW's heart is actually in the A and not in the M...then why so hard to leave?? because the mind is on the M and the damage it will cause. I think IMO that the heart and the mind aren't on the same page if you have any inner battles u are facing..does that make sense?

 

 

Oh, I LIKE this explanation very much! The heart isn't going to listen to the mind and will put up a huge battle with the mind. In a lot of ways the heartstrings are stronger and more persistant than the brain matter...

 

It takes a while for the heart to subside. With the mind, once a decision is reached (there's that damn closure word again!) a door closes.

[fooled once]

 

"the heart wants what the heart wants" .. means just that imho .. and if you don't know what it means then you've missed out on the best part of living (imho)

 

 

 

Seriously, I have a wonderful, fulfilling, loving marriage so I haven't missed out on the best part of living.

 

My heart also wants there to be no more suffering for parents like my brother and SIL who lost a child; doesn't meant it is going to happen. My heart wants for those parents who have children born with disabilities for them to not have to go through suffering and pain; doesn't mean it is going to happen. My heart wants my parents to never have to be without the other due to death; doesn't mean it is going to happen.

 

My heart wants lots of things; doesn't meant they will happen.

 

As we all know, love changes. You can "love" someone at 16 that you don't love at 30. Who you love at 20 may not be who you love at 40.

 

The only unconditional love, IMHO, is the love for a child ~ not the love for a spouse or a partner. That love can be shattered, can change, can be 'outgrown' through the faults of both people involved.

 

If the heart wants want the heart wants; why do so many MM whose hearts want the OW not flee from their wives and allow their heart what it wants?

 

To ME - this phrase is an excuse for people to do what they want, because "the heart wants what it wants".

 

I was just curious to others interpretation of this phrase.

 

(And FA, you aren't the only one who has said this --- I see it quite a bit lately). ((hug))

[NowhereToHide]

 

Seriously, I have a wonderful, fulfilling, loving marriage so I haven't missed out on the best part of living.

 

My heart also wants there to be no more suffering for parents like my brother and SIL who lost a child; doesn't meant it is going to happen. My heart wants for those parents who have children born with disabilities for them to not have to go through suffering and pain; doesn't mean it is going to happen. My heart wants my parents to never have to be without the other due to death; doesn't mean it is going to happen.

 

My heart wants lots of things; doesn't meant they will happen.

 

As we all know, love changes. You can "love" someone at 16 that you don't love at 30. Who you love at 20 may not be who you love at 40.

 

The only unconditional love, IMHO, is the love for a child ~ not the love for a spouse or a partner. That love can be shattered, can change, can be 'outgrown' through the faults of both people involved.

 

If the heart wants want the heart wants; why do so many MM whose hearts want the OW not flee from their wives and allow their heart what it wants?

 

To ME - this phrase is an excuse for people to do what they want, because "the heart wants what it wants".

 

I was just curious to others interpretation of this phrase.

 

(And FA, you aren't the only one who has said this --- I see it quite a bit lately). ((hug))

 

 

Hey Fooled.... I've missed you...

 

I think in some ways you answered your own question. I absolutely agree with your assessment about unconditional love. The only true unconditional love is for your children. I would step in front of a train for my kids.

 

In my opinion, the reason why so many MMs don't leave for their OWs is for that very reason. Their kids. It's the reason why I didn't leave for my xAP. And I know it's the reason for a lot of others as well.

 

I know so many people think that it's complete crap when people say they don't leave because of their kids. And I agree that, for the most part, kids will be okay even with a divorce. But the married person has to make the decision if they love their OW/OM ENOUGH to put their kids through so much turmoil to be with their AP. In many cases, like mine, he turned out not to be worth it.

 

I don't think the phrase, "the heart wants what the heart wants" is at all an excuse. I think it's a description of the power the heart holds. It is an illustration of just how very hard it is to deny the heart what it is longing for. It's not a cop out to say that your heart wants something desperately, longingly, completely. And it certainly doesn't mean that we are free to do whatever the hell we want, no matter what.

[fooled once]

Hey Fooled.... I've missed you...

 

I think in some ways you answered your own question. I absolutely agree with your assessment about unconditional love. The only true unconditional love is for your children. I would step in front of a train for my kids.

 

In my opinion, the reason why so many MMs don't leave for their OWs is for that very reason. Their kids. It's the reason why I didn't leave for my xAP. And I know it's the reason for a lot of others as well.

 

I know so many people think that it's complete crap when people say they don't leave because of their kids. And I agree that, for the most part, kids will be okay even with a divorce. But the married person has to make the decision if they love their OW/OM ENOUGH to put their kids through so much turmoil to be with their AP. In many cases, like mine, he turned out not to be worth it.

 

I don't think the phrase, "the heart wants what the heart wants" is at all an excuse. I think it's a description of the power the heart holds. It is an illustration of just how very hard it is to deny the heart what it is longing for. It's not a cop out to say that your heart wants something desperately, longingly, completely. And it certainly doesn't mean that we are free to do whatever the hell we want, no matter what.

 

Hi NWTH

 

I disagree with the reason MM don't leave is because of the kids. I didn't have a person waiting in the wings and I divorced with a small child. Why would anyone stay in an unhappy loveless marriage? I just don't get that. My H divorced his ex and they had 2 kids (one small, one a teenager).

 

RE: the bolded part -- kids ARE okay after a divorce -- I know of 3 kids (mind and my 2 steps) who are just fine. Yes, it takes adjustment, but many kids don't sit and cry for days/years on end over their parents marriage ending. Many young adult kids USE their parents divorce as a reason to act out, to play the "poor me" card, etc. But with 50% of marriages ending in divorce these days, it is rare for kids to have friends who have an intact nuclear family. My son had 1 friend growing up that parents weren't divorced.

 

I guess what you are saying is the cheating parent doesn't love their affair partner ENOUGH if they don't leave their marriage? Sorry, I am still not buying it. If you love someone, IMHO, you move mountains to be with them. There are women on here, who are with their former married with kids partners, and both women have stated how well the kids are doing. I have a very dear girlfriend who was married and started an affair with a man married with a son. They both divorced their spouses and married. Their 3 kids between them are doing just fine. I think the "kids" are used as such an excuse ~ again, just my opinion. I realize every situation is different but I think the excuse of the kids is so overused. I think these married people who use it really don't feel enough for their affair partner which is why they use it.

 

Heck, my own brother and his wife NEED to divorce (there is no affair partners that I know of) because of the damage being done to their kids. The home environment is so toxic, so stressful, so miserable for my niece and nephew yet these 2 adults are more focused on making the other one miserable that they have forgotten that there are 2 little ones who deserve to live in a much better environment. It is sad to see how their misery has affected the two little ones I almost WISH one of them would find someone else so that would kick start their divorce and those kids have a chance of not being caught up in the hell that is their home life.

 

Another example - Fallen Angel. She knew her former marriage was NOT good for her kids. She made the right decision - for her kids - to ensure they didn't have to live the life they were living when she was married to their father.

 

Life is full of turmoil and if handled properly, divorce isn't that 'hard' on kids. They adjust ~ heck they adjust a lot better than people give them credit for. Kids deserve to see what LOVE is; kids deserve to see their parents happy. Kids deserve to live in a home that is as stress free as possible. Kids pick up on their parents unhappiness. Kids aren't stupid. I would bet many would rather live in a single parent home where the parent was happy and there wasn't tension than in a 2 parent home where there is no love, no communication, tension and people walking on eggshells.

 

We all have different views on things which makes life interesting.

[NowhereToHide]

I don't disagree with much of what you've stated. I do agree that, with healthy parents who put their kids first, children come out of divorce just fine.

 

I am speaking from my own affair experience when I tell you that for some, giving everything up and putting kids through the turbulence of divorce is not the right choice. And as I said, for me... I didn't love my xAP enough to do that. And maybe that's what the decision basically boils down to for some. Was I in love with him? Absolutely. But not enough to do what I would have to do to be with him I guess.

 

And I would also argue that the home lives of many people who have affairs aren't horrible. My children live in a happy, stable home. My husband and I are kind to each other, we don't fight, there is no abuse, we adore our children and make sure they know it. That said, there isn't a ton of affection, but it's not like they sense an underlying disrespect or dislike between us because it just doesn't exist. I'm not living in a loveless, hopeless, terrible situation where there's no communication and we're walking on eggshells. It's just not like that -- it's far from it.

 

So... knowing that my children have a stable home, a GOOD home and weighing that against my xAP AND what I would have had to go through to be with him? I chose not to leave. Should I have moved mountains for him because I loved him? No. And I actually don't regret making the decision that I did. It was the right one.

 

IF my situation was like that of your brother's, or like Fallen Angel's (where it was a clear situation of abuse), I would have left already. And it wouldn't have been for someone else. I would have gotten out by now.

 

These situations are just not black and white. Just because "my heart" desperately wanted to be with my xAP, doesn't mean that my intellect and rational side didn't weigh the pros and cons. Love does NOT conquer all.

[Woggle]

It is just a phrase used by drama addicts

[torranceshipman]

It is just a phrase used by drama addicts

 

True.

 

Wow, I agreed with Woggle.

[wheelwright]

This question reminds me of a lot of things said here on LS which revolve aound the eternal dilemma: go forward and be who you want to be (head first, heart follows) or acknowledge who you are and follow your feelings (heart first, the head will catch up).

 

And of course there is much interplay between head and heart as this process evolves. And I really think that ultimately the 'be who you want to be wins', whether this is someone who values feelings, needs change, or M and commitment.

 

So the head (or maybe soul?) rule in the end, even if this means we decide to follow our feelings. Because we decide to follow them. Or we decide that our children are our priority. Or that being part of an unbroken family is more important than romantic love. Or that the married committed love we feel is what is more real and important for us. Or that we recognise the potential for renewal in our Ms.

 

The heart and head are in a persuasive dialogue with one another, with the goal being that both can live with decision that the individual makes. Live with, and go on to find happiness within.

 

Some of us do not trust our own hearts. To be honest, the heart seldom has the bigger picture, even if it has a truer one. I know in my A I felt caught between what is true and what is right. The heart knows the former, the head the latter. It takes a soul to resolve it if there is a conflict.

[White Flower]

I'm sure it means different things to different people. Most often, during conversation with friends involved in EMAs, I hear that it means you can't choose who you fall in love with.

 

I do agree there was some choice in the beginning, a choice not to have that coffee, a choice not to be in the same room, a choice not to accept that call. That is the logical part. Once you get beyond that phase though, the heart wakes up from sleep and just takes over. The head no longer rules.

 

And even though it hurts like hell, most often we don't regret it because it was the experience of our lives.

[WhereToGoFromHere]

 

And even though it hurts like hell, most often we don't regret it because it was the experience of our lives.

 

Well said......

[OpenBook]

The heart wants what the heart wants... even when you do the right thing, and don't get involved with the (completely inappropriate) object of your affection.

 

It doesn't matter what you end up doing (or not doing) about it - the heart is STILL going to want what it wants, right or wrong.

[wheelwright]

The heart wants what the heart wants... even when you do the right thing, and don't get involved with the (completely inappropriate) object of your affection.

 

It doesn't matter what you end up doing (or not doing) about it - the heart is STILL going to want what it wants, right or wrong.

 

Absolutely.

 

I think this is an answer to the question. I think the right or wrong part is key to why this saying resonates with us. Succinct!

 

Good answer.

[fooled once]

I don't disagree with much of what you've stated. I do agree that, with healthy parents who put their kids first, children come out of divorce just fine.

 

I am speaking from my own affair experience when I tell you that for some, giving everything up and putting kids through the turbulence of divorce is not the right choice. And as I said, for me... I didn't love my xAP enough to do that. And maybe that's what the decision basically boils down to for some. Was I in love with him? Absolutely. But not enough to do what I would have to do to be with him I guess.

 

And I would also argue that the home lives of many people who have affairs aren't horrible. My children live in a happy, stable home. My husband and I are kind to each other, we don't fight, there is no abuse, we adore our children and make sure they know it. That said, there isn't a ton of affection, but it's not like they sense an underlying disrespect or dislike between us because it just doesn't exist. I'm not living in a loveless, hopeless, terrible situation where there's no communication and we're walking on eggshells. It's just not like that -- it's far from it.

 

So... knowing that my children have a stable home, a GOOD home and weighing that against my xAP AND what I would have had to go through to be with him? I chose not to leave. Should I have moved mountains for him because I loved him? No. And I actually don't regret making the decision that I did. It was the right one.

 

IF my situation was like that of your brother's, or like Fallen Angel's (where it was a clear situation of abuse), I would have left already. And it wouldn't have been for someone else. I would have gotten out by now.

 

These situations are just not black and white. Just because "my heart" desperately wanted to be with my xAP, doesn't mean that my intellect and rational side didn't weigh the pros and cons. Love does NOT conquer all.

 

I agree, many situations aren't black and white. BUT I don't think you love this other person that much. And I wholeheartedly agree - love doesn't conquer all.

 

I could have lived with my ex until my dying day. I wouldn't have been happy. I wouldn't have felt what I feel now with my H

 

But I wanted my son to SEE love. I wanted him to SEE what a healthy, happy marriage is. I wanted to SHOW him what HE should strive for. And even if I hadn't found my H, at least I wasn't showing my son that what my ex and I had for each other was love.

 

One lightbulb moment for me when I was still married to my ex. My mom had kept my son for an overnight. She liked having him at least once a weekend. She told me of a conversation with my almost 6 year old.

 

He said to her, after seeing her and my dad kiss --- "Ewww Nanny, you just kissed Pop. My mommy and daddy never do that".

 

That about broke my heart. I wanted him to see what love/marriage is. I wanted him to see how a married couple should interact. I wanted him to grow up with either a healthy sense of marriage/love and/or grow up seeing mom happy, even without dad.

 

I will never for once second regret my first marriage -- it gave me the most wonderful son a mom could ask for. I will also never regret my divorce, because it allowed me the opportunity to find someone else, someone who I love so much my heart hurts AND provide my son with a real view of marriage.

[Fallen Angel]

I agree, many situations aren't black and white. BUT I don't think you love this other person that much. And I wholeheartedly agree - love doesn't conquer all.

 

I could have lived with my ex until my dying day. I wouldn't have been happy. I wouldn't have felt what I feel now with my H

 

But I wanted my son to SEE love. I wanted him to SEE what a healthy, happy marriage is. I wanted to SHOW him what HE should strive for. And even if I hadn't found my H, at least I wasn't showing my son that what my ex and I had for each other was love.

 

One lightbulb moment for me when I was still married to my ex. My mom had kept my son for an overnight. She liked having him at least once a weekend. She told me of a conversation with my almost 6 year old.

He said to her, after seeing her and my dad kiss --- "Ewww Nanny, you just kissed Pop. My mommy and daddy never do that".

 

That about broke my heart. I wanted him to see what love/marriage is. I wanted him to see how a married couple should interact. I wanted him to grow up with either a healthy sense of marriage/love and/or grow up seeing mom happy, even without dad.

 

I will never for once second regret my first marriage -- it gave me the most wonderful son a mom could ask for. I will also never regret my divorce, because it allowed me the opportunity to find someone else, someone who I love so much my heart hurts AND provide my son with a real view of marriage.

 

Fooled luv,

 

YOU had that lightbulb moment when you realized that your unhappy marriage was in some way detrimental to your child. Prior to that "lightbulb moment" you were slogging along, thinking that it was better to keep your 'family' intact.

 

Not everyone experiences that 'lightbulb moment'.

 

I did.

You did.

But not everyone does.

 

So, not having had that moment of enlightenment, they go on slogging their way through an unhappy marriage, truly believing they are doing was is 'right' for their children.

 

Just like I stayed for 15 yrs.

 

Just like you stayed as long as you did.

 

I know I knew long before I left that I was miserable.. You likely knew long beforehand that you were unhappy.. they have that knowledge, but their enlightening moment, in regards to what is truly healthiest for their kids, just hasn't happened yet.

[fooled once]

Fooled luv,

 

YOU had that lightbulb moment when you realized that your unhappy marriage was in some way detrimental to your child. Prior to that "lightbulb moment" you were slogging along, thinking that it was better to keep your 'family' intact.

 

Not everyone experiences that 'lightbulb moment'.

 

I did.

You did.

But not everyone does.

 

So, not having had that moment of enlightenment, they go on slogging their way through an unhappy marriage, truly believing they are doing was is 'right' for their children.

 

Just like I stayed for 15 yrs.

 

Just like you stayed as long as you did.

 

I know I knew long before I left that I was miserable.. You likely knew long beforehand that you were unhappy.. they have that knowledge, but their enlightening moment, in regards to what is truly healthiest for their kids, just hasn't happened yet.

 

But FA, in my thinking, if you engage in an affair, that IS the lightbulb moment. If someone allows themselves to break their vow/promise, if someone willingly allows themselves to do something that isn't right, if someone chooses to engage in behavior with someone else who is married that isn't something they would do in front of that married person's spouse, that IS their lightbulb moment, IMHO.

[fooled once]

This question reminds me of a lot of things said here on LS which revolve aound the eternal dilemma: go forward and be who you want to be (head first, heart follows) or acknowledge who you are and follow your feelings (heart first, the head will catch up).

 

And of course there is much interplay between head and heart as this process evolves. And I really think that ultimately the 'be who you want to be wins', whether this is someone who values feelings, needs change, or M and commitment.

 

So the head (or maybe soul?) rule in the end, even if this means we decide to follow our feelings. Because we decide to follow them. Or we decide that our children are our priority. Or that being part of an unbroken family is more important than romantic love. Or that the married committed love we feel is what is more real and important for us. Or that we recognise the potential for renewal in our Ms.

 

The heart and head are in a persuasive dialogue with one another, with the goal being that both can live with decision that the individual makes. Live with, and go on to find happiness within.

 

Some of us do not trust our own hearts. To be honest, the heart seldom has the bigger picture, even if it has a truer one. I know in my A I felt caught between what is true and what is right. The heart knows the former, the head the latter. It takes a soul to resolve it if there is a conflict.

 

This was an excellent post. Thank you!

[NowhereToHide]

Once again, I agree with much of what your saying. But I have to say that the one thing that frustrates me the most is when people view these situations as black and white.

 

Not every person that has an affair has a "horrible" marriage. Is it broken in some way? Absolutely. But it doesn't mean that it is always a marriage that is detrimental to the children involved.

 

And not every person that has an affair ends up with their "soulmate" or a person worthy of leaving everything for. Can you fall in love with someone that doesn't fit this criteria? Absolutely.

 

My affair did not provide me with a light bulb moment about my kids being in a bad/negative/unhealthy/not optimal situation -- because that isn't the situation they are in. It did provide me with the insight that I need to work on my marriage for my own happiness, however.

 

I HAVE evaluated whether or not my children would be better off with me divorcing. And I have come back with an equivocal NO. That is not to say that after going through MC that I won't decide to take that course.

 

My children are happy, adored and have two parents that are awesome co-parents and friends. We laugh, we don't fight, we joke, we have fun. Am I unfulfilled by my H? Yes. But it isn't something that affects my day-to-day interactions with him as much as you might think.

 

It's just wrong to assume that everyone that doesn't leave for their AP BECAUSE of the kids is throwing bull****, or they are damaging their kids, or that if they "truly" loved their AP they would leave no matter what. NOTHING is black and white. If this site has taught us anything, it is THAT.

[Fallen Angel]

But FA, in my thinking, if you engage in an affair, that IS the lightbulb moment. If someone allows themselves to break their vow/promise, if someone willingly allows themselves to do something that isn't right, if someone chooses to engage in behavior with someone else who is married that isn't something they would do in front of that married person's spouse, that IS their lightbulb moment, IMHO.

 

The affair may be the "ligtbulb moment" about how unhappy they are in their relationship, but it is not the lightbulb moment about what is best for their children. two completely different moments, two completely different issues, and very often, two completely different conclusions about what the best move is to make.. to divorce/to stay...

 

often times the lightbulb about the relationship happens LONG before the one about the children, hence why so many people stay in unhappy marriages because of the kids... (and I know you are an advocate for saying people do not stay for the kids, but you yourself did for at least a little while. you didn't wake up one day realizing you were not happy in your marriage and the same day decide that your children were better off with you out of that unahppy marriage... there was an internal debate that you went through... staying for the kids is the best thing vs. I am unhappy and want out... that eventually led to your "lightbulb moment")

[fooled once]

The affair may be the "ligtbulb moment" about how unhappy they are in their relationship, but it is not the lightbulb moment about what is best for their children. two completely different moments, two completely different issues, and very often, two completely different conclusions about what the best move is to make.. to divorce/to stay...

 

often times the lightbulb about the relationship happens LONG before the one about the children, hence why so many people stay in unhappy marriages because of the kids... (and I know you are an advocate for saying people do not stay for the kids, but you yourself did for at least a little while. you didn't wake up one day realizing you were not happy in your marriage and the same day decide that your children were better off with you out of that unahppy marriage... there was an internal debate that you went through... staying for the kids is the best thing vs. I am unhappy and want out... that eventually led to your "lightbulb moment")

 

Actually, yes I did. The day that he punched me, shoved me across the room, into a wall, in front of our son was it. This was the 3rd and final time he would ever physically assault me.

 

Before that, I just assumed (wrongly) that what we had was marriage. I wasn't thrilled with it but *shrug* i didn't realize it was as bad as it was.

 

The above incident happened on a Saturday - Monday morning, I was on the phone with a lawyers office. I scheduled an appointment for 2 days later - on a Wednesday. I went in, met her and hired her. A week later, I had a draft of our separation papers.

 

The day I met with the lawyer, when I returned home, I called my ex at work to find out if he would be home for lunch. He said yes. When he got home, I told him I wanted a divorce. 2 days later, I told our son that mommy and daddy decided we didn't love each other enough to be married.

 

He stayed in the house for 3 long months (with me sleeping on the pull out couch).

 

So yes, once I realized I didn't want the marriage anymore, I took the necessary steps to get out, and pretty quickly I might add

 

The conversation between my son and my mom was in February. It was March when the above incident happened.

[Fallen Angel]

Actually, yes I did. The day that he punched me, shoved me across the room, into a wall, in front of our son was it. This was the 3rd and final time he would ever physically assault me.

 

Before that, I just assumed (wrongly) that what we had was marriage. I wasn't thrilled with it but *shrug* i didn't realize it was as bad as it was.

 

The above incident happened on a Saturday - Monday morning, I was on the phone with a lawyers office. I scheduled an appointment for 2 days later - on a Wednesday. I went in, met her and hired her. A week later, I had a draft of our separation papers.

 

The day I met with the lawyer, when I returned home, I called my ex at work to find out if he would be home for lunch. He said yes. When he got home, I told him I wanted a divorce. 2 days later, I told our son that mommy and daddy decided we didn't love each other enough to be married.

 

He stayed in the house for 3 long months (with me sleeping on the pull out couch).

 

So yes, once I realized I didn't want the marriage anymore, I took the necessary steps to get out, and pretty quickly I might add

 

The conversation between my son and my mom was in February. It was March when the above incident happened.

 

So you had your lightbulb moment about your child, then a month later after the THIRD incident of physical abuse you had the lightbulb moment about your realtionship? I am confused...

 

So, prior to your son saying what he did to your mother, you thought your relationship was good, and you were happy? (they don't have a face for being even more confused)

 

I know in my case, I knew I was miserable for a long, long, oh so freaking long time... but, i thought that as long as the kids were not being abused by him... *shrug* at the time, i didn't realize how much damage the emotional abuse was doing to my kids, not to mention the effects on them of seeing him physically and emotionally abusing me...

 

I really did stay for a very long time because of my kids. So, I will never be convinced by all the people that say over and over that MM or MW don't stay for the kids. Very often the kids ARE the reason they stay (my children are the reason I stayed and took beatings and I didn't even have the nerve to have an affair on the side to give me at least a small amount of happiness).. their efforts may be misguided.. but they really do think they are doing the right thing by staying...

[fooled once]

So you had your lightbulb moment about your child, then a month later after the THIRD incident of physical abuse you had the lightbulb moment about your realtionship? I am confused...

Yes, that is correct. Not sure why you are confused. I was with him 9 years. He IS an alcoholic. The abuse was spaced apart - once when DS was an infant, once when DS was 4 and then the last one after DS turned 5.

 

So, prior to your son saying what he did to your mother, you thought your relationship was good, and you were happy? (they don't have a face for being even more confused) Never said I was happy - I was just accepting of our marriage. I didn't have any other friends who were married. The 'married' people I knew were ex's family members. Their marriages were more f'ed up than OURS. So comparably, ours was good. I knew NO ONE who was divorced. I quite frankly thought about him killing himself with driving drunk. I wished that would happen. I was raised Catholic, had a Catholic wedding --- divorce wasn't in my sphere. Not until the conversation with my mom (and we discussed my screwed up marriage) and then the final incident of abuse -- IN FRONT OF our son. I had a child screaming "Call the police mommy - have them put daddy in jail" and a dog trying to bite my ex because he had hands on me. Trust me, your child hysterical brings a lot of clarify to your mind. I thank GOD DS doesn't remember this at all. I felt like the WORST mother in the entire world. Why did I let this happen, why did my son have to witness this?

 

I know in my case, I knew I was miserable for a long, long, oh so freaking long time... but, i thought that as long as the kids were not being abused by him... *shrug* at the time, i didn't realize how much damage the emotional abuse was doing to my kids, not to mention the effects on them of seeing him physically and emotionally abusing me...

 

I really did stay for a very long time because of my kids. So, I will never be convinced by all the people that say over and over that MM or MW don't stay for the kids. Very often the kids ARE the reason they stay (my children are the reason I stayed and took beatings and I didn't even have the nerve to have an affair on the side to give me at least a small amount of happiness).. their efforts may be misguided.. but they really do think they are doing the right thing by staying...

 

I understand you feel that way, I just feel totally different. Abused women are a different sort ~ abused women tend to stay in abusive relationships but once they are FINALLY out, they are like "WTH was I doing".

 

If there is no abuse, then again, I truly don't believe people stay for the kids. Never will. I have a friend who did that, and I think the damage she did to her daughter is possibly unrepairable. Then again, her daughter KNEW what was going on. She asked her mom to wait until she graduated and that is exactly what my friend did. As soon as she graduated, my friend moved out (divorce was final 3 months early) and has moved on with her life. I don't agree with what she did, but that is just my view.

 

Each person evaluates things and makes decisions. I can only go off my experience and what I learned. I think it is incredibly disgusting that a man would rather go have an affair than be truthful and honest with his wife. Sorry, just my view I know we disagree on that. But I just deplore lying and it sickens me the hurt that is caused to 'innocent' people because of a cheater.

[jennie-jennie]

So yes, once I realized I didn't want the marriage anymore, I took the necessary steps to get out, and pretty quickly I might add

 

I am confused now, and I apologize if this is too private a question, but I know you have posted that you did not have sex with your husband the last year of your marriage. How does this fit into ending the marriage quickly?