Where Do I Go From Here..?

[Jen1689]

I can't do it anymore... I don't know where to go from this point. I've talked to everyone that I possibly can (except a therapist, because I can't afford one), I've looked up forums and posts on countless sites all over the internet (as well as posting my own), and I've simply tried to rid myself of this problem, but it won't go away, and I'm losing my mind...

 

I've written here before, but I only received one response, which, while it was helpful, it was also very, shall I say, obvious. "Just let this go" is not the answer I'm looking for. If I could, I would have long before now. Also, the old cliche "the past is the past" will not due. It's something that, while I know it's not in the present, it's present in my mind, which is every bit as real.

 

To start, I'll preface this post with noting that I am not crazy, nor am I unstable or anything of the like. I'm just a normal girl, with insecurities that extend far beyond anything I can reach, and therefore I cannot let them go.

 

I'm lost, and I don't know how I got here. My boyfriend's ex-girlfriend is constantly on my mind, and I can't get rid of her. My boyfriend and I just approached our one year anniversary yesterday (<3). We are happy. I am happy with him. He makes me feel things that I never thought I could feel with anyone. But this, his ex-girlfriend, she plagues me. When I first started dating my boyfriend, I heard tidbits here and there about her. From him, I heard horror stories about all that she had done to wrong him. He told me that she was unstable when they dated, as she was hard into drugs and alcohol at the tender age of 15. He began dating her when she was a freshman and he was a senior. As the months went by, I heard more and more stories. He told me that they argued on a daily basis, screaming matches, and that they'd break up once or twice a month, and stay broken up for several weeks before getting back together. He told me that she humiliated him, disrespected him, and was irrational, immature, and irresponsible. He told me that their relationship held no standards to him, and yet, he was there to go back to her for two to three years...

 

The part that kills me, that I just can't let go of, is why. Why did he go back to her? Why did he subject himself to that over and over again? He also said that she had cheated on him (once with a girl, and once with his best friend, and that he could probably find more instances if he tried). He tells me now that he hated her back then, and still does. He tells me that she's a horrible person (which I believe, but to what extent?).

 

I've talked to him about it before. I calmly sat him down one night and asked him, as it had been on my mind a lot, why he had been with her (on-and-off) for so long. He told me that it was because for some reason, at that time, he needed the drama of her to thrive on. His mother and his sister were drama queens as he was growing up, and he said that that largely influenced it as well. He was used to it, it was familiar. She would be fine, and things would be good for about a day, but then she'd get back into drugs and drinking and fighting, and they'd break-up. She'd then pretend to get clean and beg for him back and say she needed help, blah, blah, blah, so he'd go back. He said that sex with her was mechanical (really?), and that she was so dominant and icy about it that he resented having to do it. So why go back??

 

This talk, I thought, would help me, but instead, it only exacerbated my perverse imagination. I've been creating my own memories of his past. I've looked up his ex's photos on social networking sites such as Facebook and MySpace, and I've found a fairly attractive girl. She resembles me, slightly. Dark hair, blue eyes. The only difference is, I'm tan, she's not, and I'm a bit thinner than she is. P.S. She also just had a baby at 18. Nice, huh? My boyfriend was worried when we first met that it might be his, but it would've been damn near impossible. Still, the mere thought of it makes me sick to my stomach.

 

My problem is, she won't leave my mind. I look at her pictures every day, many times a day, and no matter what my boyfriend talks to me about, she always crosses my mind. He could be talking to me about fishing, and all I'd be able to think of was him fishing back on the island where he grew up, where she still happens to live.

 

I have nothing to be jealous about. He doesn't talk to her anymore. He's all but erased her from the planet to get her out of his life. He doesn't have her number, he's blocked her MySpace, and he doesn't mention her anymore after I've voiced my insecurities. But still, all I can think of is, why? He met me months after he broke up with her, and to be honest, he pursued me for about three months before I gave in to him. He wrote me a song, he took my virginity, and we talk about getting married someday. His mother refers to me as her daughter (his mother HATED his ex...). But still, I just can't let it go. I don't understand what's wrong with me. I've never even met this girl (and I never want to), and yet she's taken over my life.

 

My boyfriend and I got into a huge fight the other night over it. He told me that it feels like I don't trust him (that has nothing to do with it), and that I'm just trying to start drama and fight with him (I never want to bring it up with him, ever). I'm not afraid that he'll go back to her. She messaged him a little over a month ago, right after she was dumped by her fiance (the father of her child). The only thing she said in the message was: I hate you. Mature, right? And he didn't even respond. He had me go onto his account and block her, instead, which I admired. I've dated many guys who have come to me for the rebound relationship, just to turn around and cheat on me with or dump me for their ex. So, needless to say, yes, I'm paranoid a teeny bit, but it's nothing he's done to exacerbate that.

 

I just don't know what to do anymore. She's always there, in the back of my mind, saying "I've got something you don't, and I've given him something you never can." I wish I knew what it was, but I don't. I mean, he kept going back to her after all she's put him through, so she must have had something. Please help me. He's told me already that if I don't stop, I'm going to hurt us, I'm going to bring us down. I can't do it... But I can't stop these thoughts, either, and it's killing me...

[TheMastaPlan]

she doesnt have ANYTHING you do. youre boyfriend is with YOU now, listen you have to respect the fact that he was with someone before you. that he had a life before you. PUT ALL THAT ASIDE, my ex girlfriend would always bag on me about who i hooked up with before her, or while we were just friends and hooking up. The reason you guys got into a fight is becasue yes, if i were him i would feel as if you didnt trust me. Its good that you could sit down adn talk about it, but do not over do it. You need to understand that this all happened before he knew you, or before he knew he was in love with you. Respect the fact that he has no communication with her and is with you. This girl doesnt mean anything to him anymore from what you are saying, correct? So deal with the fact that he was on and off with her, sometimes people need someone who cares about them to really see what they need in life. Think of it like this, what he went through with her he realized he DID NOT WANT, this being said, everythign he went thru with her has led him to you. He feels comfortable with you, he loves you, you guys need to GROW together and be together. From a guy whose girlfriend would alwasy live in the past, DO NOT MAKE THAT MISTAKE it only pushed me away and made me furious (although she neded up breaking up with me lol). You need to live for the future and not in the past, get over that he was unsure, because now he is sure with you. -- try taking a look at what ive posted about my ex and let me know how you think i should handle the situation...its very strange and difficult for me right now, im taking proper steps(and taken many wrong steps), ive only gotten one response, im actually looking for a girls point of view as well as a guys. I hope this helps you move on past the "past" and you guys can remain happy together. good luck.

[insecureeeyep]

I know how you feel. My boyfriend's ex girlfriend consumes my thoughts sometimes as well. He and I were very close friends from the beginning of their relationship so I knew A LOT about them. When he and I were first dating he was still talking to her. That has definitely made me feel less secure and I'm trying to get over it since it was a while ago now. I don't have any advice, but what TheMastaPlan said made me think about my own situation, so I hope it helps you as well. Good luck!

[dazzle22]

The reason this is consuming you, is, I think, partly due to the fact that he was your first, but you were definitely not his. And you know all the gory details about her, and since the playing field is not really "even" this really eats at you.

 

I think you also have to look at what the emotion is that is "behind" the obsessive thinking. The constant thinking about her is a "secondary emotion". The primary emotion under it likely is FEAR. Fear of losing him, fear of "history repeating itself" regarding relationships and you. I think you need to look this fear right in its face. Imagine what it is EXACTLY that you are afraid of....imagine the scenario, write it down if needed and then imagine how you would cope with it. And imagine how you would get through it. I guess, in essence, imagine the WORST, which likely is not going to happen, given what you have said about him, and imagine it until you are tired of it, and you can "give it up"..Don't bring it up with him. This sounds like your issue..