absoluttifftiff Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 So I posted yesterday under dating, but I followed my gut and the advice of everyone on here and around me and broke up with my boyfriend around 4am this morning. Now this is under a new category and I feel that I'm better served here. Long story short, he's been smoking weed more and more and I don't smoke at all. I recently quit smoking cigarettes and he still smokes and I feel this can become an issue in the future as he has no plans to quit unless he's coughing up blood. The biggest problem, however, is that I feel he doesn't want me sexually or romantically. I don't feel that he's crazy about me and he always pushes me away when I initiate sex. I've tried talking to him about this for months and nothing's changed. We live together, so I thought maybe that was the issue...turns out it's part of it. After I broke up with him this morning he admitted that he's fallen out of love with me. Reasons stated: Everything moved really fast. We saw each other everyday because we met while living in the same apartment building. We were an official couple after 2 months (I feel that's normal, no?) We moved in together after 3 months of knowing each other. We started discussing marriage at about 8 months. To me, most of this is normal outside of living together. The reason we live together is because he lost his job and he was gonna move to another state. I had just moved into an apartment, so I invited him to stay with me until he was back on his feet. He found a job within a month, but we loved living together, so he stayed. Now we've been together for a year. As for the marriage talk, it's more like when would you want to get married in life? Not how do you want our names on the invitations? Anyway, so now he says he wants to work it out. He thinks that the reason he fell out of love with me has nothing to do with me as a person and believes he can feel that way again. He still loves me, but it's not like it was. I'm now unemployed and the stresses of having to take care of two people is overwhelming to him, which is why I guess he's been smoking so much weed. Not ok, but I think that's why and I think it just compounds the problem of his moods and irritability. He also feels that he's unable to speak to me about issues he has with me because I'm already going through enough so he has frustrations with me that he hasn't dealt with and is resentful toward me. Because of this feeling of love lost he looks at other women and I've looked outside of the relationship. Neither of us have physically cheated, but have emotionally cheated on each other, which in my opinion, can sometimes be worse. He has great qualities as a human being. He's supportive and I know he still loves me, motivated, caring, but most important, we have the same thoughts toward religion, children, where to live, etc. We both love going out (well, until recently. I feel he's been so depressed about our relationship and my situation that he doesn't want to anymore). We used to have a wonderful relationship and I'm not sure if it's possible to get back. My thoughts are: 1. Couples Counseling, but I don't know how much that is. I don't have an income and I'm not sure how much his insurance would cover. 2. He wants to try working things out on our own until I find a job and then we'll see where we stand. He says he would feel guilty just leaving me alone in this apartment without a job, plus he loves me and doesn't want to leave even if I did have one because he can't imagine being with anyone else. 3. Trial separation? I asked if he could stay with someone for awhile. Even just a week. Maybe things can't be worked out at all? Please let me know what you think/what you would do. I'm so confused right now.
TheMastaPlan Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 couples cousling would be my recommendation IF you want this to work. Although you have to let EVERYTHING out in the meeting AND NOT bring it up after the meeting otherwise youll end up arguing, fighting, even worse maybe. Maybe you need time to think. There was a point when i was with my ex girlfriend where i thought i didnt love her anymore, she stayes at her parents for a week, came back but briefly in and out. That was a HUGE mistake. i took so much time to think about the relationship and realized i truly wanted her and only her. Well after that she felt different towards me and still does which is why she broke up with me. Anyways maybe you need some time to figure out if this is really what you want to do. Can he stop smoking weed? if not to be honest its not a big deal, when you have kids hell yeah he better stop. cigarettes should be stopped NOW because you dont want to pass anything along to your kids that you got from smoking, its just a no no. Take some time, dont talk to him until you cant not talk to him anymore. you need to figure out what you want, if he cant make sacrifises for you then thats another thing you need to think about. sit down and talk with him, do not raise your voice or aruge but just talk...unfortunatly when i tried getting my gf to see someone because i think shes bi-polar...oh boy did that turn into her verbally abusing me...it sucks when all im trying to do is get her back to how she used to be and stop blaming me for her actions. we all control our own lives. take some time and think about what you want in your husband, your goals, etc. time will tell - if its meant to be it will be - good luck
Author absoluttifftiff Posted January 23, 2010 Author Posted January 23, 2010 Thank you. Your words have actually helped a whole lot. I feel like I'm being rushed into a solution by everyone - my boyfriend, my best friend, even my best friend's boyfriend. I just want to take my time with this and see what happens and I do agree the couples counseling might be best because I feel there are so many issues between us right now that are impossible to work out without the help of an objective third party. Thanks again!
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