Vintage79 Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Hey, I've been struggling through the online dating world and am starting to think that it's a lost cause relative to dating from other sources, but am still giving it a go for a little while longer. That said, I've got a few first dates lined up from online, and was hoping people could chime in with their thoughts on the best way to help build chemistry on these frequently awkward first meetings to help secure a second date (when the awkwardness tends to largley disappear). I'm a guy, so comments from guys on what you do (that's worked) is great, as is feedback from women on what you like the guy to do.
alphamale Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 dude you can't "build" chemistry out of thin air...its either there or its not
Author Vintage79 Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 I realize that you can't build it out of thin air, but there are certainly things that you can do to help bring the chemistry to the surface.
jw90063 Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Hey, I've been struggling through the online dating world and am starting to think that it's a lost cause relative to dating from other sources, but am still giving it a go for a little while longer. That said, I've got a few first dates lined up from online, and was hoping people could chime in with their thoughts on the best way to help build chemistry on these frequently awkward first meetings to help secure a second date (when the awkwardness tends to largley disappear). I'm a guy, so comments from guys on what you do (that's worked) is great, as is feedback from women on what you like the guy to do. Don't sweat it. First wait and see if the girl is the same one you saw in the online pictures. Then worry about chemistry.
LondonS Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Hey, I've been struggling through the online dating world and am starting to think that it's a lost cause relative to dating from other sources, but am still giving it a go for a little while longer. That said, I've got a few first dates lined up from online, and was hoping people could chime in with their thoughts on the best way to help build chemistry on these frequently awkward first meetings to help secure a second date (when the awkwardness tends to largley disappear). I'm a guy, so comments from guys on what you do (that's worked) is great, as is feedback from women on what you like the guy to do. Online dating is a lost cause. You said it !! One of my friend is searching "love" online whilst letting the real deal slip right under his nose. Why cant people live in reality please!! Chemistry can not be built unless you have interacted with people in real world...
Author Vintage79 Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 I'm not sweating it - it's more like the meetings I have had are usually a bit strange - some are great, but a lot just don't quite seem to click. I was hoping to get some info on what people do to foster that "click".
alphamale Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I realize that you can't build it out of thin air, but there are certainly things that you can do to help bring the chemistry to the surface. look your best, take a shower, put on cologne, dress nice. put on a smile. dont come off as desperate. be cool as a cucumber. be a man, not a mouse. take charge. show her a good time. relax.
Island Girl Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I'm not sweating it - it's more like the meetings I have had are usually a bit strange - some are great, but a lot just don't quite seem to click. I was hoping to get some info on what people do to foster that "click". There is no fostering that "click". As alpha said it is either there or it isn't. What brings about this chemistry? Umm looking at him and being attracted. And there is no special formula there either. I have met a couple guys that were my checklist of perfection but there was absolutely NO spark and it was just never going to be there. I can not point out why. Then there are guys that are not necessarily ideal for me but there is that mysterious something that makes me want to get involved with them anyway. You can't make it happen. If you show up and it is awkward and there is no "click" just chalk it up that there isn't going to be and move on to the next.
OpenGL Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Online dating doesn't work for men unless you're in the top 10% in looks and paper stats. Be honest with yourself. Or you can post your pic/stats and I'll let you know if you're wasting your time.
Crazy Magnet Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 (edited) My thought is if you would have met these ladies in real life the click wouldn't be there then either. But, instead of having to tough it out over coffee, you would have never asked her out in the first place. My man friends who are attempting to date online say they show up to meet lots of girls and crickets are practically chirping in the background. So engage, engage, engage!!! I am lucky in that I have all these wild experiences from around the globe, so I can generally fill an hour with anything. Make a list of odd ball topics you can throw out there. My bf and I talked about everything from cheese to strip clubs on our first meeting. Then we sat around laughing about how inappropriate it was to talk about strip clubs on the awkward "meet up" thing. BUT.....and here's the big butt, we both felt that instant "click" from the moment I turned around. He was probably the only online profile I actively stalked for lack of a better word, and I had been dubbed "Little Miss Perfect Profile" by all his friends before we met. So, somehow, we had done a lot of clicking before we even met. It's so weird!! I guess another suggestion is only contact the profiles that makes you go HOLY SMOKES WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW. There seems to be a better chance of clickage there. Clickage, a new word. Edited January 21, 2010 by Crazy Magnet bad choice in diction
Author Vintage79 Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 (edited) Well, that's definitely part of it - I usually get so many women contacting me, that I don't really contact any. I've been on match for a bit over a month and have had just over 100 women contact me - I can't imagine that I've reached out to more than a handful on my own. Fortunately, I get a lot of very attractive women writing, and while I don't get crickets, I don't really get an amazing vibe either...I have no problem filling an hour with chit-chat, but it frequently seems kind of pointles...I seem to end up downing my coffee/drink too fast on too many occasions...kind of like downing the drinks at an undergrad party, except for the point is to get out ASAP as opposed to get hosed and hook up with random people. Edited January 21, 2010 by Vintage79
Stung Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I know a lot of people on these boards disagree but think it's best to build up some conversational history with the person before you meet them, so you have some sense of each other's humor and interests. Try to talk to her naturally. Remember that meeting in person is a GOOD thing, it's your chance to shine...IM and email can't convey the timbre of your voice, the scent of your skin, the way you carry yourself, the crinkles around your eyes when you smile, all those little things that many women love and can add up to chemistry. You can't fake that stuff, and maybe it won't click with her, but who knows, maybe it will. Try not to take it all too seriously...it's nerve-wracking, I know, but it should be fun too, and if you don't let your expectations run away with you (and it's not a wild mismatch) you should hopefully be able to at least relax into a good conversation, even if there's no big lovematch. It can be hard to meet the right person, IRL, online, whatever. But online dating isn't necessarily a lost cause.
Crazy Magnet Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Oh, reverse your strategy. I know tons of women are throwing themselves at you, but that doesn't mean you would throw yourself at them. You should start selecting. Look through and pick 3 or 4 that you want to meet and message them. I know it can be overwhelming when so many people contact you. I had the same thing. My strategy at the end was to make a mental list of my "must have this in a man" and focus on those guys, and I kind of went from there. Make you "I want a woman like this" mental list, and only focus on those girls. It's more likely you will have chemistry then, from your side anyway.
Author Vintage79 Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 Don't get me wrong, while lots of people contact me, I still screen them. Most have selected me, as they think we have something in common, or maybe just because I'm attractive, but probably 90% of them get rejected by me, with about half being rejected outright. So it begs the question, would I be better at picking blind out of the 1000s, or be better picking from 100 people who were at least somewhat interested in me...I don't go out with them unless I think there's something that interests me. Of course, I could be self selecting for failure - as their criteria could be completely different than mine.
Author Vintage79 Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 I know a lot of people on these boards disagree but think it's best to build up some conversational history with the person before you meet them, so you have some sense of each other's humor and interests. So what kind of conversational history do you try to build up prior to meeting - phone conversations, lots of e-mail, IM...what? I probably agree that sharing more info up front is good, as at worst, it usually provides some lame conversation topics, but those are usually just fall backs if things are already going poorly. The few dates I've been on that were great, well, it didn't matter what was said earlier, as we just kind of rolled with what was in front of us...
Stung Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Oh, reverse your strategy. I know tons of women are throwing themselves at you, but that doesn't mean you would throw yourself at them. You should start selecting. Look through and pick 3 or 4 that you want to meet and message them. I know it can be overwhelming when so many people contact you. I had the same thing. My strategy at the end was to make a mental list of my "must have this in a man" and focus on those guys, and I kind of went from there. Make you "I want a woman like this" mental list, and only focus on those girls. It's more likely you will have chemistry then, from your side anyway. Agreed. You also might want to try relocating to one of the sites that gives questionnaires and tries to match people up by personality.
Author Vintage79 Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 Agreed. You also might want to try relocating to one of the sites that gives questionnaires and tries to match people up by personality. I understand the psychological theory behind MBTI based matching, but does it actually work? I'm tempted to say that while conceptionally the pairing sounds good, that it's still a crap shoot, as you're being matched for long term compatability, not the short term chemistry that is needed to drive the early stages of a relationship.
Crazy Magnet Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 Don't get me wrong, while lots of people contact me, I still screen them. Most have selected me, as they think we have something in common, or maybe just because I'm attractive, but probably 90% of them get rejected by me, with about half being rejected outright. So it begs the question, would I be better at picking blind out of the 1000s, or be better picking from 100 people who were at least somewhat interested in me...I don't go out with them unless I think there's something that interests me. Of course, I could be self selecting for failure - as their criteria could be completely different than mine. That is what I was getting at, but you said it so much better.
Crazy Magnet Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I understand the psychological theory behind MBTI based matching, but does it actually work? I'm tempted to say that while conceptionally the pairing sounds good, that it's still a crap shoot, as you're being matched for long term compatability, not the short term chemistry that is needed to drive the early stages of a relationship. I obviously have a lot of faith in it at this point. Everyone I went on a date with from eHarmony was an excellent date and I could see long term potential with all of them based on personality and interest. However, there was still only the one uuber click, and he is now my bf. I see just as much long term potential in him. If I had to write out my checklist for a man, he hits every single category. I know that I was matched with several Myers Briggs personality types, b/c I asked some of the men (I got matched with lots of professor, etc.) but my bf and I both happen to be INFP. Our mutual perceptions on the world are part of what makes us click so well.
alphamale Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 I understand the psychological theory behind MBTI based matching, but does it actually work? putting a rolled up tube-sock in your pants would probably work better
Stung Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 So what kind of conversational history do you try to build up prior to meeting - phone conversations, lots of e-mail, IM...what? I probably agree that sharing more info up front is good, as at worst, it usually provides some lame conversation topics, but those are usually just fall backs if things are already going poorly. The few dates I've been on that were great, well, it didn't matter what was said earlier, as we just kind of rolled with what was in front of us... Well, I met my husband online, but we were living in different states at the time...he wrote to me basically on a whim because I was his highest personality match within a thousand miles, and I wrote back because his letter made me laugh. We just kind of found each other intriguing and started emailing and IMing back and forth nearly every day--however, we weren't really considering it anything serious since we lived 800 miles apart at the time, so that took a lot of the pressure off and helped keep things easy and honest. We are both the kind of people who focus a lot on intangibles, humor, history, etc. so the online conversation was valuable in building a rapport. We didn't meet in person for six months, when I was going to be in his area anyway visiting some of my family. It wasn't until we met in person that things really snowballed romantically and became serious, but I do think that initial period of courtship taught us a lot about each other, helped the first conversation flow easy as water as we already knew what made each other tick and knew that we liked each other as people, chemistry aside. I obviously wouldn't recommend waiting an entire six months to meet for most people under normal circumstances, however, and I know many don't believe in waiting at all. I don't enjoy multi-dating as a numbers game, personally, so for me knowing that he was interesting enough and interested in me enough to hang in there electronically and conversationally for a while was a big plus.
Author Vintage79 Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 I know that I was matched with several Myers Briggs personality types, b/c I asked some of the men (I got matched with lots of professor, etc.) but my bf and I both happen to be INFP. Our mutual perceptions on the world are part of what makes us click so well. That fact is actually pretty interesting, as based on MBTI matching criteria, INFPs shouldn't match all that well with another INFP - maybe eHarmony does something a bit beyond the basic MBTI (or perhaps they aren't doing matching at all - one of my friends had >2000 matches by the time he was done with eHarmony). Generally, if not always, the best MBTI matches have differing personality profiles...
alphamale Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 That fact is actually pretty interesting, as based on MBTI matching criteria, INFPs shouldn't match all that well with another INFP - ... i'm STFU...what do i match with?
Crazy Magnet Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 That fact is actually pretty interesting, as based on MBTI matching criteria, INFPs shouldn't match all that well with another INFP - maybe eHarmony does something a bit beyond the basic MBTI (or perhaps they aren't doing matching at all - one of my friends had >2000 matches by the time he was done with eHarmony). Generally, if not always, the best MBTI matches have differing personality profiles... That's what I thought too. But I think there are other components which come into play on eH. For example, we both LOVE football, geeky science stuff, cheese, etc. I remember ranking a bunch of interests on scales as well, which is not a part of Myers Briggs. My bf and I joke about it all the time. For a couple of introverts, we never shut up around each other. While I generally agree that personality types give a general description of a person, I do not think they are the entire person. We both work in fields which force us to be chatty (PR and healthcare), so we break some of our INFP mold. That and eHarmony said I was an extrovert! lol Still, I think the system generates more in terms of possibly chemistry than any other site.
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