AmIWrong Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 (edited) I'm so glad I found this board! My husband & I have been in marriage counseling for a few weeks now. We've been married for 14 years. About a year ago, I was overwhelmed by suspicion that he's involved in some sort of emotional, physical, or on-line cheating. He denies any such involvement, but I can't get passed it. I made a half-hearted attempt at snooping around in the beginning for answers, but instead of answers I ended up with more questions. I don't have to tell you what my unfounded suspicions have done to my marriage, hence the counseling. Even before we started counseling I was aware that there were many factors that contribute to my insecurity and contaminate the relationship (baggage that I brought into the marriage), so I've started therapy on my own as well. In counseling I'm learning that part of my problem is my desire for a deeper connection with my husband. He seems aloof at times, but we have a good relationship (except for my suspicions). His distance is what started me down that path in the first place, but he doesn't see it. I want more, and I'm being made to feel like I'm wrong for needing it. As he puts it, he's a good husband, father, and provider, so that should be enough. We don't see our counselor for another week, and I would like to have this settled in my head before then. I'm curious what the LS community thinks about whether or not its OK to ask for "more". The romantic in me says it is, but the realist says I'm looking for something that only exists in a Hollywood love story. Thoughts anyone? Edited January 20, 2010 by AmIWrong
mrmatt Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 My wife and I are going in for our first counseling session one week from today. I would love it to be TODAY. I really feel expectations (unrealistic ones), are such a relationship killer. We are bombarded on all sides with TV, radio, print, that shows what a good relationship "should be", forgetting all the reality that needs to be part of the equation. My wife wants "more" too, but she needs to be able to clearly communicate what that is. Ultimately, I may not be able to give it to her. It will be up to her to adjust her expectations and be with me. Or hang on to a dream that may or may not be a reality ever. The same is likely true for you.
cuppa Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 no...it's not wrong to want more. I'm on the same journey as you (except the kids). I think majority of people here are on the same boat. I am too seeing a therapist to deal with this (among other things). My only recommendation is to heal yourself first. I do the same with my female coworkers in the office. A lot of them are on the same boat so what we do is to get together for 30 mins at our office gym and we do exercises together. 2 of them now are going through transformation. They said they are too busy with kids and I'm like, please, 20 minutes, 20 minutes of exercises for yourself and now they are so committed to the program (in addition to 1500 mg of calcium and 1000 mg of Vit D). One of them just stopped by today and said she's been feeling good about herself lately. When you feel good about yourself, other people feel it too. I never let myself go but I was so unfit & unhappy last year and I turned to my husband, suffocating him for the needs of affection and deeper bonding. Since I took 2 months off work (lucky I know, a lot of ppl don't even have this option) and came back, I got a lot of random people complimenting on me and I find that I'm less clingy emotionally to my husband as well. I can't emphasize enough how exercise and eating healthy helps me through this ordeal. In addition to everyone says "OMG you look great", I no longer feel sorry about myself. I feel a lot more balanced and I feel that I am ready to make decision soon, one way or another.
Spark1111 Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Of course it is....and you do not have to wait one week to do so. There is literally tons of websites, many free, devoted to strengthening the marriage. Marriage builders is frequently mentioned as having some useful info.
crazycatlady Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 More is very vague and unhelpful. You need to figure out clearly what you want and clearly ask for it. When I get that want more feeling I try and figure out what it is exactly that I'm needing more of. Its unfair to H to expect him to read my mind, especially when i don't know my mind. Is it more time talking? The tell him you would like to talk to him. Sometimes I'll follow H into the bathroom and sit and talk to him while he showers. Its 15 minutes with no kids and its kinda sexy watching him wash. Other times when I'm feeling not so close, I suggest we go for a drive because its always been time for us. I've learned to come right out and ask for cuddling (rarely, I'm not a cuddler), sex the way I want it including oral sex when I'm in the mood, for him to flirt with me during the day, for a break from the house, a date night like we use to do pre-kids (which is not a normal date night, this type of date night involves hitting a bookstore for books and then we go out to eat and just read, but we are together, which is nice), for him to touch my face more during sex. But I've learned to be very specific about what I need. Vague will lead to disappointment and hurt and sometimes anger. How dare he not read my mind I'm so guilty of that one. And even "I want us to talk more" well, is that what you are really asking for, I mean most men would love to talk about their favorite hobby or something. Or are you really wanting "I need to hear words of love more" or flattery, or dirty talk, or philosophical meanderings. CCL
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