Am I alone?

[mrmatt]

Been married 7 months yesterday after dating only 3 months.

We both are on our second marriages and both from 17 year marriages that failed due to our ex's infidelities. We both came into the relationship with 2 kids each.

We've had a very rocky road, lots of ups and downs. Lots of disagreements and make-ups.

We are both very very tired. We have our first counseling session next Wednesday. She barely notices me anymore, and squeezing an "I love you." out of her usually only happens when we are face to face and I say it first.

I am nearly in tears just writing this and I'm VERY discouraged.

I believe in marriage, and I believe both my feet are firmly in "our" circle, but I don't get the reassurance from her that she is. I guess that's because she probably isn't.

I came into this relationship knowing that second marriages, especially with kids, is VERY hard. She thought it was going to be a fairy tale. I'm really hoping our counseling will put a lot of what we're going through in perspective.

Please tell me I'm not alone...give me some hope...I'm in a very low place right now.

[quankanne]

I won't go into the obvious, other than a brief "how the hell do you get to know someone in just three months?!!" because it sounds like you really, really want this relationship to work.

 

seeing a counselor (together or individually) is a huge, positive first step, because it says you're serious about making things work, and that you want to find the necessary tools to build up your relationship. Don't think of it as a flaw-finding mission, but a means of enriching your marriage. And that's something all relationships can benefit from, having an enrichment course or two along the way.

 

other thing you might want to do is check out a book called "the five love languages." I'm not too crazy about self-help books, but this one is really well-written, and presents info in a way that makes total sense. By figuring out y'alls love languages, you can communicate better with each other. Believe me, it rules out a lot of bullcrap because you've learned to look for those signs of love you might have missed before.

 

as for you initiating the "I love you's" ... I kinda wonder if she doesn't say it first because she's unsure of the relationship? Given that you two jumped into marriage without really getting to know each other more deeply, I can see how at this point, when the "fun" has worn off, either or both of you can be confused about things.

 

don't ever feel bad about being the one to use that phrase first – as time goes by, and she grows more comfortable, she's going to start believing it more surely, and will say it to you, too.

 

I've been married almost 18 years, and one thing I've learned is that you will never, ever stop being surprised with what your spouse gives you. I joke about my redneck husband because he's from 'Bama, but you know what? Over the years, I've seen him blossom, become more comfortable being affectionate to a point where he admits that he was never like that before me. Which surprises me, because he's a very loving man; I guess he just wasn't in relationships long enough to figure it out for himself, you know?

 

just keep working at it, and don't let the stuff that seems negative bring you down. It'll work out, you just both need to be committed to making it work.

[mrmatt]

other thing you might want to do is check out a book called "the five love languages."

 

Thanks for your thoughtful words. I've read this book at least twice, also reading the Five Love Languages of Teenagers now.

 

When I divorced the first time, I read this book. I took a lot of time to figure out what REALLY makes me tick. I found out that my primary love language is words of encouragement, closely followed by physical touch. When she is giving me those things, I feel like I am the most important person on the whole earth. But right now, it's as if she's purposefully withholding those things from me knowing how much they mean to me.

I've told her about the book, and about what my needs really are. I think that one of the greatest gifts you can give your spouse is the information they need to know how to love you. I'm having the hardest time trying to figure out what her love language(s) is. I'm not sure she really knows in any concrete way to tell me.

 

There were red flags that I glossed over. She had been engaged two times before meeting me and breaking it off, after the relationships were about 6 months old. The last one I discovered ended just before I met her.

 

She was divorced for almost 4 years before meeting me. She was very used to her single lifestyle, going out partying with her friends, etc. Being married is a shift to that thinking and a threat to that lifestyle. She misses those things. It's just not my scene. I can't tell you how many times after we first got married that she said "thank you for taking me away from all that". Now, 7 months later, she is missing it again. I feel like she is addicted to that initial "honeymoon" phase of a relationship, and when the shine wears off, time to go. That thinking would match that she was engaged two times and those relationships ended around the 6 month mark.

 

I'm holding out hope at this point that the counseling will help, and that her expectations of our marriage will start to align more with reality.

 

I've been being positive, and not wanting to dwell on our past failures. She seems to be very stuck in the past, wanting to revisit those issues over and over again. I'm having a hard time now holding the torch for both of us. I'm not sure how much longer I can do it. My strength is waning. This is not who I am