stace79 Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Okay, I am sticking a toe in the waters to test it out again after a 3.5 year R ended. I work with all females and one very married older man, so work is not a good venue to meet people. The majority of my friends are married and their friends are married, so friendly hookups haven't been happening. I am on a dating site, and I'm really getting discouraged. First I will point out that I'm not at all desperate to jump back into something serious. I'd mostly like to meet people as friends and see where things go -- less pressure, no expectations kind of thing. But with very few exceptions, the only responses I seem to get online don't spark any interest from me. They're considerably older (10 yrs or more), extremely short, heavy, etc, have no jobs or financial stability. Many of the men on the site seem to put zero effort into their descriptions, leaving me to wonder if they are seriously interested in dating or are just looking for easy hookups. (If they can't put effort into a self-description to "attract" females, then how much effort would they really put in to getting to know a woman?) I go through about once a week and look at all the profiles "matched" up with me and send messages or some other contact. I have gotten responses from maybe 3 of about 50 that I thought were reasonable. It's damaging to my self-esteem. I have plenty of male friends who tell me I'm a cute girl. One man I met off the site said my pictures don't do me justice. So I can't imagine that it's my appearance turning people off. I had hoped that stating in my profile I was open to meeting new friends & seeing where things go would open the door to MORE men, as maybe it wouldn't be so intimidating to them. (Like the typical, "oh I contact this girl and go out once and she'll want a ring next week" kind of fear haha) Any suggestions? It just seems sort of hopeless. The one guy I met was divorced a few years ago and literally cannot afford to do anything. He's working to change that, but I'm not going to be somebody's sugar mama in the mean time! So really -- ONE person in over two months? Seems like bad odds.
curiousnycgirl Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Just like in life, you will need to "meet" many people before finding one of quality who might suit you. If this were real life, pre online, you would be going out to parties or bars or wherever you may have met men in the past. Those activities may have had an advantage in that you may have shared interests, or at least known you hung out in the same are. But I ask you this - did you give your number out often in those venues? Or rarely? It is the same with online dating except times 10,000 (because a web site is more accessible than your local party of bar). You'll look at many, MANY profiles and many guys will look at yours, and it will be a long time before you might make any kind of connection. You cannot give these guys the power to damage your self esteem - how can they? They don't know you! As far as the guys who don't put any effort into their profiles, or who don't meet your critera - those are data points you are using to decide to move on. My only advice to you is to keep on plugging but don't put all your eggs in one basket. You can keep checking out the online dating sites, but also pursue your passions and interests - who knows you may meet someone there. Good luck to you!
Kristine Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 I've been on a dating site for 3 years off and on, I just went back on when I met the current guy. And things are going well IMO. I didn't end up going out with anyone until this current guy, phone tag with others, no similar interests, not an attraction, etc. But when you find the needle in the haystack you'll know it. Best of luck.
Vintage79 Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 It's damaging to my self-esteem. I have plenty of male friends who tell me I'm a cute girl. One man I met off the site said my pictures don't do me justice. So I can't imagine that it's my appearance turning people off. For starters, if the guy says that your pictures don't do you justice, it's actually suggesting that your pictures suck, and that they may be scaring people off, or at least preventing you from getting more attention. His words essentially said that you look much better in real life than you do in your photos - so improving the pictures is obviously a place to start. I get contacted by a couple/few dozen women contacting me each week - I instantly reject about half of them because they don't seem all that attractive in their photos. It's possible that they'd be very attractive in real life, but the photos on the online front.
Author stace79 Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 For starters, if the guy says that your pictures don't do you justice, it's actually suggesting that your pictures suck, and that they may be scaring people off, or at least preventing you from getting more attention. His words essentially said that you look much better in real life than you do in your photos - so improving the pictures is obviously a place to start. I get contacted by a couple/few dozen women contacting me each week - I instantly reject about half of them because they don't seem all that attractive in their photos. It's possible that they'd be very attractive in real life, but the photos on the online front. I get what the phrase means. My point is that I can't imagine I'm so much more hideous in photos than in real life that men wouldn't at least give me a chance. Like some profiles you see, you're just automatically like "Wow, not a chance in hell..." Ya know?
betamanlet Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Okay, I am sticking a toe in the waters to test it out again after a 3.5 year R ended. I work with all females and one very married older man, so work is not a good venue to meet people. The majority of my friends are married and their friends are married, so friendly hookups haven't been happening. I am on a dating site, and I'm really getting discouraged. First I will point out that I'm not at all desperate to jump back into something serious. I'd mostly like to meet people as friends and see where things go -- less pressure, no expectations kind of thing. But with very few exceptions, the only responses I seem to get online don't spark any interest from me. They're considerably older (10 yrs or more), extremely short, heavy, etc, have no jobs or financial stability. Many of the men on the site seem to put zero effort into their descriptions, leaving me to wonder if they are seriously interested in dating or are just looking for easy hookups. (If they can't put effort into a self-description to "attract" females, then how much effort would they really put in to getting to know a woman?) I go through about once a week and look at all the profiles "matched" up with me and send messages or some other contact. I have gotten responses from maybe 3 of about 50 that I thought were reasonable. It's damaging to my self-esteem. I have plenty of male friends who tell me I'm a cute girl. One man I met off the site said my pictures don't do me justice. So I can't imagine that it's my appearance turning people off. I had hoped that stating in my profile I was open to meeting new friends & seeing where things go would open the door to MORE men, as maybe it wouldn't be so intimidating to them. (Like the typical, "oh I contact this girl and go out once and she'll want a ring next week" kind of fear haha) Any suggestions? It just seems sort of hopeless. The one guy I met was divorced a few years ago and literally cannot afford to do anything. He's working to change that, but I'm not going to be somebody's sugar mama in the mean time! So really -- ONE person in over two months? Seems like bad odds. (1) Do you have a laundry list of requirements? That might put a guy off (2) If you were in bad financial condition, would you think it's perfectly okay for a guy to dismiss you for that reason? You're complaining about one person in two months? A guy can try for years and never get any bites. (3) I've always thought women post ads to get lots of responses to boost their self esteem, thanks for confirming it.
carhill Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 My advice would be to give it six months minimum and, periodically, update your profile with new and different aspects of your life, as well as photographs to support that. If, at that point, nothing significant has happened, take a break and continue to meet and greet as appropriate in everyday life. I've met potentials in airports, standing in line at the post office, shopping for groceries and visiting my mom in the nursing home, as examples. Think of online dating as one aspect of expanding your social horizons. I can tell you I got more interest when my profile did not have a photograph. I found that to be a fascinating study of female psychology. I'll play with that a bit going forward. Finding the right mix of attributes in a partner is critical, even at 50. Good luck
Author stace79 Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 (1) Do you have a laundry list of requirements? That might put a guy off No. I actually try to share more about myself and what my personality is like and the types of activities I participate in. (2) If you were in bad financial condition, would you think it's perfectly okay for a guy to dismiss you for that reason? Yes. I'm at an age where I think most people can be self-sufficient. I don't expect a man to pay every time we see each other, I don't demand expensive nights out and I am open to finding low-cost or no-cost "date" ideas, like cooking dinner together or walking in a park together with the dog. What I do NOT want is a man who can never do anything with me that costs money because he's totally flat broke. I also will not pay for everything. I'm not a sugar mama. You're complaining about one person in two months? A guy can try for years and never get any bites. (3) I've always thought women post ads to get lots of responses to boost their self esteem, thanks for confirming it. I don't want a bazillion responses. That's what I have now. I want a few quality responses. It seems I get very few if any response from men I find appealing, and 50,000 responses from men I wouldn't consider at all close to what I'm looking for.
alphamale Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 So really -- ONE person in over two months? Seems like bad odds. online dating is basically worthless
betamanlet Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 online dating is basically worthless For guys. But I've never heard of women having this problem before.. I know plenty of chicks who have low self esteem days and put up and add just to get the 75 responses without any intention of going on a date.
meerkat stew Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 It seems I get very few if any response from men I find appealing, and 50,000 responses from men I wouldn't consider at all close to what I'm looking for. How much time are you spending looking for profiles that are attractive to you and writing emails to those men?
Author stace79 Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 My advice would be to give it six months minimum and, periodically, update your profile with new and different aspects of your life, as well as photographs to support that. If, at that point, nothing significant has happened, take a break and continue to meet and greet as appropriate in everyday life. I've met potentials in airports, standing in line at the post office, shopping for groceries and visiting my mom in the nursing home, as examples. Think of online dating as one aspect of expanding your social horizons. I can tell you I got more interest when my profile did not have a photograph. I found that to be a fascinating study of female psychology. I'll play with that a bit going forward. Finding the right mix of attributes in a partner is critical, even at 50. Good luck What do you say to people you meet in the airport or wherever? There were a few guys out at a restaurant I was at with family, and we started talking with them b/c they had a cute puppy at their outdoor table. I would have loved to give/get a number, but how do you do that with others around and a very short timeframe in which to work?
Author stace79 Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 How much time are you spending looking for profiles that are attractive to you and writing emails to those men? I would say I give it about an hour once a week. If there is something funny or interesting that really sticks out, I'll email them.
torranceshipman Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 I was online dating on and off for a couple of years!!-and look at it this way, statistically I gues my hit rate wasnt great, but I had a lot of fun, never got discouraged (like the rest of the world seems to) and then met the love of my life on there who I am blissfully happy with now! So yea, statistically the hit rate might not be good but look how it ended up for me so I'd recommend having fun, taking it with a pinch of salt but NOT writing it off. Btw me and my guy are perfect for eaxchother but our social circles, careers, etc, everything are so different we wouldnt have stood a chance of bumping into eachother offline.
meerkat stew Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 I would say I give it about an hour once a week. If there is something funny or interesting that really sticks out, I'll email them. What is your response rate from those? I read an informal study done by match once that claimed that matches where the women wrote the men ended up resulting in relationships more than when men write women. If you want to make online work to its potential for you, you need to start being more proactive. Have a target of sending out three mails a day for a week to interesting looking profiles and see if that ups your success rate.
torranceshipman Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Hmmm interesting point Meerkat, cause I was the one that initially emailed my guy.
carhill Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 What do you say to people you meet in the airport or wherever? 'Where you headed today?' or 'Aren't these delays crazy?' or I'll ask a practical travel question, like people often ask me when traveling. If anything meaningful results, like we find we have common interests, I give them my travel card. I remember this one older gentleman giving me, upon departing, his business card and a nice mechanical pencil and saying 'write'. When I looked at the card later, it had the logo of the Central Intelligence Agency on it. We had talked for a couple hours while our aircraft was being fixed, mainly about other cultures and world affairs. The key is being comfortable meeting and relating to a wide variety of people. The same applies to online dating. What is on the page is one-dimensional. Photographs, IME, are not an accurate reflection of who the person really is, just one small aspect of it. Women my age who have contacted me often mention my writing style being a positive. They may not find me attractive in person, but there are aspects which are attractive to them. One doesn't know these things until meeting in person, IMO. So, as an experiment, take three guys who show as relative matches and read their profiles. Don't bother with pictures. If no joy, try three more. Eventually, you'll get to one which makes you go 'hmm'. Contact him. See what happens. Meanwhile, continue to peruse the guys who contact you; read their profiles. Look at their pictures. Notice how I've changed the parameters. There's a reason for that which will become more obvious as you continue. Contact one which, by photo and profile, seems attractive to you. As I said prior, meanwhile, continue to look around in the grocery store, at the restaurant, in the mall, wherever. Head up; look around. Feel approachable. Feel what it is you want. Pay attention to the people, not just the action you're performing. This attitude is what has gotten me approached when traveling and elsewhere. Trust me, it's not my charming good looks, but rather an openness to others, or, as a friend put it, a 'caring' aura. Will you meet Mr. Perfect tomorrow? Probably not. Maybe so. Who knows? IMO, it's the journey that makes the result worthwhile and valuable. Hopefully, many good memories too....
EM47 Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 I am a guy and think online dating (well eharm) is the best thing ever. I am kind of shy in person sometimes to get dates and don't really go to bars or anything, so basically the way I would be getting dates was though friends and friends of friends which was great but didn't yet lead to anything serious. Well it did lead to my last gf but that's over now... So after my last relationship, I tried Eharm to see how it would be and really it's the best thing ever for me. Have been on it 2 months and can't keep up with all the girls I'm getting matched with. Have met in person close to 10 girls in the 2 months I have been on it so far, have been on a few 2nd and 3rd and 4th and 5th dates with girls. And the best part is that from what I can tell so far is every girl has been normal, every girl has looked exactly like she did in her pictures and I am having a great time with some really cool girls that I would have never met. Many girls are the 1st to initiate conversation on eharm with me and I am having to become way more selective in who I talk to just because I have no more free time! But having said that, I do have a good job, keep in good shape, have my own house/car etc, so I am not the typical online overweight loser I guess.
betamanlet Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 I am a guy and think online dating (well eharm) is the best thing ever. I am kind of shy in person sometimes to get dates and don't really go to bars or anything, so basically the way I would be getting dates was though friends and friends of friends which was great but didn't yet lead to anything serious. Well it did lead to my last gf but that's over now... So after my last relationship, I tried Eharm to see how it would be and really it's the best thing ever for me. Have been on it 2 months and can't keep up with all the girls I'm getting matched with. Have met in person close to 10 girls in the 2 months I have been on it so far, have been on a few 2nd and 3rd and 4th and 5th dates with girls. And the best part is that from what I can tell so far is every girl has been normal, every girl has looked exactly like she did in her pictures and I am having a great time with some really cool girls that I would have never met. Many girls are the 1st to initiate conversation on eharm with me and I am having to become way more selective in who I talk to just because I have no more free time! But having said that, I do have a good job, keep in good shape, have my own house/car etc, so I am not the typical online overweight loser I guess. I have a good job, keep in shape, have my own place, and car, and I couldn't get a single date from being on eharmy for well over a year.
LondonS Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 online dating is basically worthless second that !!
EM47 Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Well maybe it depends what city you are in? I could easily have 30 first dates in 30 days just from eharm.
Author stace79 Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 Well maybe it depends what city you are in? I could easily have 30 first dates in 30 days just from eharm. I think it must have something to do with geography. Our area has a lot of low-income, low education jobs and not a ton of culture. You might be right.
betamanlet Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Well maybe it depends what city you are in? I could easily have 30 first dates in 30 days just from eharm. yes, I live in the DC area, so I admit that my city could be a serious problem with that, but being socially retarded doesn't help that much, though you can't pick up it via emails....
betamanlet Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 I think it must have something to do with geography. Our area has a lot of low-income, low education jobs and not a ton of culture. You might be right. I re-read your post, basically saying you're getting lots of interest, but not for guys who make your requirement. So obviously you want guys with high income and high education. Well, I make six figures, have a graduate degree, am a Lawyer, and where I live, you need to be even "more" than that to have a chance. So I feel for the guys who make 33k a year from a state school because they're not good enough for you.
Author stace79 Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 I re-read your post, basically saying you're getting lots of interest, but not for guys who make your requirement. So obviously you want guys with high income and high education. Well, I make six figures, have a graduate degree, am a Lawyer, and where I live, you need to be even "more" than that to have a chance. So I feel for the guys who make 33k a year from a state school because they're not good enough for you. Lol...c'mon. I absolutely do not require six figures or a master's degree. Actually I don't care if you went to college as long as you have a stable position doing an honorable days' work. As I stated before, I don't need to be "wined and dined" at expensive restaurants or driven around in a Benz. I would like a man who can craft a decent sentence, who can have fun with me at a sports bar during football season or at a black tie dinner for my work, who can relax and make dinner at home with me sometimes. Someone who can fairly share the costs of our outings (I don't mind paying some times too). Forgive me, but I'd also like to find someone within five or seven years of my age (31) who doesn't think rap music is the be all, end all. I don't think I'm asking for too terribly much.
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