freckles3131 Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Living with my guy. Is it too much to expect that when he isn't going to be home by say...8pm that he should at the very least text or call to say "I'm out doing a,b,or c and will be home late"? I am being a trusting gf and not harassing him when he doesn't come home till late because I trust him and know he isn't up to anything 'unusual" when he does this i.e. helping his buddy work on his truck/having a few beers/going to the Pub for food/beer, but....feel a quick text to say "gonna be home late" is not too much to ask esp if we don't communicate at all during that particular day. I just feel it's common courtesy. He feels I should "know him" and if he isn't home by 8pm then he is just out with his guy pal doing guy stuff in the shop. This is the 5th time in a row this has happened with him saying one of the following: "I lost track of time" "I thought you assumed I would be out with Tommy" "I thought you would "figure" I was out with Stevie talking shop" "My Cell phone wasn't charged" etc...etc... I don't harass him when he doesn't text or call, but discuss the next day the need for a quick text so I'm not holding up my plans (these are typically nights that I have my 14 yr old son at home so maybe he just figures no big deal) but a quick text so I don't worry and/or out of relationship respect/expectations.... Is this me being too ridiculous in my expectations? I don't care if he does his "thing" as we all need our personal/alone time... When he gets home or the next day we talk about this and I have said to him 5 times now "just shoot me a quick text to let me know you will be out and coming home late" he has yet to do this....and rolls in around midnight/1am drunk after being out with his buddies and no call/text. Thoughts
SoulSearch_CO Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Had very similar issues with the XH. Note the "X." I got sick of that crap. No, it's not unreasonable. It's called common courtesy. Yes, there were certainly other issues in our marriage, but disrespect was a biggie.
Malenfant Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 if he's due home at 8, and doesnt get in til half past.. no biggy. but if he's due home at 8, and doesnt get in til midnight, thats a whole other matter.
reboot Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 And quite frankly, I get the distinct impression from your post that he does this a LOT. So even if he does start being a little more courteous with his communication, assuming I'm right about that, you're still going to be left pretty unhappy about it.
Jeff1962 Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 It's called respect. Courtesy. Thoughtfulness.
Maxxx Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Living with my guy. Is it too much to expect that when he isn't going to be home by say...8pm that he should at the very least text or call to say "I'm out doing a,b,or c and will be home late"? I am being a trusting gf and not harassing him when he doesn't come home till late because I trust him and know he isn't up to anything 'unusual" when he does this i.e. helping his buddy work on his truck/having a few beers/going to the Pub for food/beer, but....feel a quick text to say "gonna be home late" is not too much to ask esp if we don't communicate at all during that particular day. I just feel it's common courtesy. He feels I should "know him" and if he isn't home by 8pm then he is just out with his guy pal doing guy stuff in the shop. This is the 5th time in a row this has happened with him saying one of the following: "I lost track of time" "I thought you assumed I would be out with Tommy" "I thought you would "figure" I was out with Stevie talking shop" "My Cell phone wasn't charged" etc...etc... I don't harass him when he doesn't text or call, but discuss the next day the need for a quick text so I'm not holding up my plans (these are typically nights that I have my 14 yr old son at home so maybe he just figures no big deal) but a quick text so I don't worry and/or out of relationship respect/expectations.... Is this me being too ridiculous in my expectations? I don't care if he does his "thing" as we all need our personal/alone time... When he gets home or the next day we talk about this and I have said to him 5 times now "just shoot me a quick text to let me know you will be out and coming home late" he has yet to do this....and rolls in around midnight/1am drunk after being out with his buddies and no call/text. Thoughts The part that I put in bold is what I will comment on....... If you have asked / told him 5 TIMES to call you when h is going to be late and he won't then that is a HUGE issues it would be very clear to me that he does not give two craps about you or your feelings...... And I am sorry to say if his late nights are very regular ie. he stays out late many nights a week I got news for you he's doing something he shouldn't.... Helping a buddy out every once in awhile is one thing or hanging with the guys from time to time...... But if this is a weekly thing hes got something on the side... Speaking from a guys point of view.. (4 years into our relationship) I can't wait to get home to my woman.. We both do things on our own but I am not out till all hours more then maybe a few times a month
Author freckles3131 Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 ok, so I will add... 1) No communication ALL day then....it's 8pm and I still haven't talked to him, then.....he rolls in at 1am drunk. All night/no contact/no call/no text.
Author freckles3131 Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 Time for me to fly.... Hmm....might be. What about if it's not something that occurs every week. I mean he's not out trolling the bars all the time. It's like once every other week that he stays out till 1am with his buds....while neglecting to "check in" with me all day/night. I think because I tend to be an independent woman he just figures "no big deal" she has stuff she is doing at home or otherwise.
Author freckles3131 Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 Yeah, I was up to no good (rolls eyes) L I just got done with a crappy 8 days of on-call (Monday and Tuesday morning were the worst). You stated you understood if I was going to have a guy night. Yes I should have called or texted, but it doesn’t change the situation (just de-stressing and assumed you figured that). Again, I’m sorry (was being selfish) End of story
Author freckles3131 Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 Yeah, I "had no problem with a guy night" as always....I never do. I "had a problem" with he and I not speaking all day/not checking in, then him staying out till 1am without so much as a courtesy call/text all day or night. It seems he is "deflecting' and trying to make me look like I'm being a b#tch about him being out....when in fact that is not the "issue" as I have told him 5 times now...... "Do your thing, hang with the boys, just shoot me a text to let me know you will be out till the wee hours" Do you see what I'm contending with here?
Malenfant Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Yeah, I "had no problem with a guy night" as always....I never do. I "had a problem" with he and I not speaking all day/not checking in, then him staying out till 1am without so much as a courtesy call/text all day or night. It seems he is "deflecting' and trying to make me look like I'm being a b#tch about him being out....when in fact that is not the "issue" as I have told him 5 times now...... "Do your thing, hang with the boys, just shoot me a text to let me know you will be out till the wee hours" Do you see what I'm contending with here? indeed, he's making it look like you're demanding to know where he is, keeping tabs on him etc. when really you just like to know when to expect him back. its tricky cos simply requesting that you be notified is easily turned around by the other person into making you look possesive. he knows you're annoyed by it, yet he does it anyway. in other words, he's doing on purpose now. initially he just didnt have the consideration to let you know, but now he knows how you feel, so ignorance cannot be the excuse. its kind of a power thing, he's witholding information from you, simply to make him feel like he's got you dangling on a bit of string. i bet he loves that. Listen to Donna's comment, there are plenty of men who'd rush home to spend the evening with you. food for thought i think.
Author freckles3131 Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 And then, after he KNOWS it hurt you and he apologized, did he do it again? His Reply was to last night's incident.....the 5th time it has happened, the 5th time we have discussed it in the past 2 months. The 5th time I have told him "I don't care if you go out. Don't care how late. I KNOW everyone needs me time." Just please text or call when it's going to be a late one into the wee hours esp if we haven't checked in with one another all day.
Author freckles3131 Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 indeed, he's making it look like you're demanding to know where he is, keeping tabs on him etc. when really you just like to know when to expect him back. its tricky cos simply requesting that you be notified is easily turned around by the other person into making you look possesive. he knows you're annoyed by it, yet he does it anyway. in other words, he's doing on purpose now. initially he just didnt have the consideration to let you know, but now he knows how you feel, so ignorance cannot be the excuse. its kind of a power thing, he's witholding information from you, simply to make him feel like he's got you dangling on a bit of string. i bet he loves that. Listen to Donna's comment, there are plenty of men who'd rush home to spend the evening with you. food for thought i think. Yeah, he is 34 years old, not someone who is too immature to know better. We LIVE together. All I asked for was a text "Going out with Stevie, might be a late one" Something like that. I mean we didn't chat all day or night yesterday, we live together and he comes in at 1am. YES, he was on call last week, yes, he should have his time. No problem. I don't care. But, have some common courtesy.
Trialbyfire Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 No one has any incentive to change, if you keep asking (construed as nagging) and not enforcing your boundaries. Five times is a pretty blatant message from him that he's not going to change. I would kick his arse to the curb but if you're determined to slog this through and are making dinner or plans for the two of you, stop doing it. Let him make his own dinner and find things to do, when you're not available. And even if you are available to make dinner, don't, since you "assumed" he'd be out with whomever.
reboot Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Wonder how he'd feel if he came home at 1:00 am and you weren't there.... then he could "assume" where you were and what you were doing.
Malenfant Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Yeah, he is 34 years old, not someone who is too immature to know better. We LIVE together. All I asked for was a text "Going out with Stevie, might be a late one" Something like that. I mean we didn't chat all day or night yesterday, we live together and he comes in at 1am. YES, he was on call last week, yes, he should have his time. No problem. I don't care. But, have some common courtesy. thing is, it doesnt matter how you try to explain why you would like him to text/call you to let you know when he's coming home, to his ears it will always sound like a nagging fishwife. you'd have more success talking to a brick wall. he wont make the effort, no matter how many times you bring it up.
SoulSearch_CO Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 ok, so I will add... 1) No communication ALL day then....it's 8pm and I still haven't talked to him, then.....he rolls in at 1am drunk. All night/no contact/no call/no text. Time for me to fly.... Hmm....might be. What about if it's not something that occurs every week. I mean he's not out trolling the bars all the time. It's like once every other week that he stays out till 1am with his buds....while neglecting to "check in" with me all day/night. I think because I tend to be an independent woman he just figures "no big deal" she has stuff she is doing at home or otherwise. Yeah, I was up to no good (rolls eyes) L I just got done with a crappy 8 days of on-call (Monday and Tuesday morning were the worst). You stated you understood if I was going to have a guy night. Yes I should have called or texted, but it doesn’t change the situation (just de-stressing and assumed you figured that). Again, I’m sorry (was being selfish) End of story And one day - just like me - you'll get sick of his justifications, bull****, placations, lies, excuses...and you'll quit making excuses, too. THEN you'll walk. Get back to me when you've had enough of his BS. He ain't gonna change this because he has no reason to - you put up with it just fine.
sonicranger Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 Yeah, he is 34 years old, not someone who is too immature to know better. We LIVE together. All I asked for was a text "Going out with Stevie, might be a late one" Something like that. I mean we didn't chat all day or night yesterday, we live together and he comes in at 1am. YES, he was on call last week, yes, he should have his time. No problem. I don't care. But, have some common courtesy. To me it seems like he doesn't care. I mean, he doesn't care about the relationship or you. You're the ball and chain, his old lady...??? Has he ever used those terms around you or to friends? I'd be willing to bet he does. You're there for show n sex. When HE feels like HE needs to communicate with you is when he'll do it. He's probably very insecure, has a bad case of man-ittude. He's the man, he can stay out late, you on the other hand would be nearly murdered if you stayed out late ONCE and didn't call.
SarahRose Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 By his actions, he is telling you he just isn't going to do what you asked. So now what do you do about it? I strongly suggest disappearing one weekend without telling him. Go to a girlfriend's or relative's house for the weekend and forget to tell him.
Boos Posted January 23, 2010 Posted January 23, 2010 That sucks and is inexcusable in my opinion, it would drive me crazy too and no I don't think you're asking too much at all! I haven't had the same issue, but the same communication fall-out (where I say something over and over again, and it's like I'm not even speaking English). I think it's usually because he hears me say something and thinks I'm just being over-sensitive. So he ignores it because in his mind it's no big deal. I agree with reboot - do it back to him. When I get in that kind of loop with my husband, the only thing that gets his attention is to do it back to him. Then when he gets upset, give him a sauce for the gander speech. That's what finally gets the message through that big thick skull... I love my husband to pieces, but he is your archetypal cowboy - presents some challenges :-) Sounds like maybe your guy is the same kind of insensitive jerk? Just nagging won't get his attention.
Brandy228 Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 ok, so I will add... 1) No communication ALL day then....it's 8pm and I still haven't talked to him, then.....he rolls in at 1am drunk. All night/no contact/no call/no text. Once, I wouldn't sweat it. Twice, I would get very annoyed. Third time I'm be raising a major hissy fit. Something isn't right, and you have to get to the bottom of it, or leave without knowing what's up. Good luck, you are really going to need it!
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