Author Spark1111 Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 Oh no, BL! There is no common bonding over our dislike of the OW! Quite the contrary. I think he liked her just fine, hell I think he loved her once, deeply and I have stated as much on these forums. I would never denigrate his feelings for her at that time because a) it would be disrespectful to HIM to do so and b) we have nothing to gain from it at this point. We are discussing the "why" of it all, how boundaries were crossed and how to prevent it from ever happening again. In the re-piecing of the timeline of his affair, we often reach a point where I will ask him, "so why do you think this happened?" or why did she attend this event?" or, "why did you not come with me to such and such?" and he looks at me and replies: "I have no idea. I did not invite her. I did not know she would come to a, b, c." So I ask here. And it helps.
Brokenlady Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Oh no, BL! There is no common bonding over our dislike of the OW! Quite the contrary. I think he liked her just fine, hell I think he loved her once, deeply and I have stated as much on these forums. I would never denigrate his feelings for her at that time because a) it would be disrespectful to HIM to do so and b) we have nothing to gain from it at this point. We are discussing the "why" of it all, how boundaries were crossed and how to prevent it from ever happening again. In the re-piecing of the timeline of his affair, we often reach a point where I will ask him, "so why do you think this happened?" or why did she attend this event?" or, "why did you not come with me to such and such?" and he looks at me and replies: "I have no idea. I did not invite her. I did not know she would come to a, b, c." So I ask here. And it helps. Ok. It sounded to me like it was helpful for you to find out unpleasant things about her - see the supposed "real" person behind the text messages, etc. And I guess I just wondered if the conversations with your H were really more designed to tear her down (keeping the competition going). I can see where finding out negatives would make a BS feel more confident, much like xDM's xW would seem (momentarily anyway) like less of a threat to "us" everytime he'd complain about her. In a sick way, I think we did sort of bond over disliking her. (His xW tried to do the same thing, but with dishonesty - she'd make up lies about some horrible past I supposedly had to try to turn him against me.) In retrospect, I can see where I encouraged him to dislike her, which really wasn't neccessarily because her actions were enough to do that on their own. Given the lack of boundaries, I didn't like that he spent so much time with her (despite having no romantic attraction), and I suppose that was my way of discouraging it. So that's why I bring it up. I just wondered what your thought process was on a deeper level.
Author Spark1111 Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 Ok. It sounded to me like it was helpful for you to find out unpleasant things about her - see the supposed "real" person behind the text messages, etc. And I guess I just wondered if the conversations with your H were really more designed to tear her down (keeping the competition going). I can see where finding out negatives would make a BS feel more confident, much like xDM's xW would seem (momentarily anyway) like less of a threat to "us" everytime he'd complain about her. In a sick way, I think we did sort of bond over disliking her. (His xW tried to do the same thing, but with dishonesty - she'd make up lies about some horrible past I supposedly had to try to turn him against me.) In retrospect, I can see where I encouraged him to dislike her, which really wasn't neccessarily because her actions were enough to do that on their own. Given the lack of boundaries, I didn't like that he spent so much time with her (despite having no romantic attraction), and I suppose that was my way of discouraging it. So that's why I bring it up. I just wondered what your thought process was on a deeper level. You know what BL? You are very honest. Could it be a motivation to discredit her, because I do know now, she actively tried to discredit and malign me (Well, hell, they both did!)?????????? Hmmm....a very real possibility. Yes it certainly could be true, but only since she broke NC and we spoke, and I heard anger and contempt in her voice for....ME!??? It was if I had just discovered I was in a competition, not only the typical OW/BS stuff, but on a much deeper level that I have ever read here on LS. And it HAS given me pause to wonder.......why?
silktricks Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 It was if I had just discovered I was in a competition, not only the typical OW/BS stuff, but on a much deeper level that I have ever read here on LS. And it HAS given me pause to wonder.......why? Could you enlarge upon what you mean here (bolded)?
Brokenlady Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 (edited) You know what BL? You are very honest. Could it be a motivation to discredit her, because I do know now, she actively tried to discredit and malign me (Well, hell, they both did!)?????????? Hmmm....a very real possibility. Yes it certainly could be true, but only since she broke NC and we spoke, and I heard anger and contempt in her voice for....ME!??? It was if I had just discovered I was in a competition, not only the typical OW/BS stuff, but on a much deeper level that I have ever read here on LS. And it HAS given me pause to wonder.......why? I think xDM's tendencies to tell me all of the awful stuff his xW was saying about me stoked the competitive fires. (Maybe that was a subconscious goal of his?) The more I heard her talking trash about me, the more I hated her. And yet, through it all he didn't completely cut ties with her, so it set up a dynamic in which I felt like I had to constantly re-convince him of how evil she is. (In truth, her actions spoke for themselves, and he didn't need any input from me to prove her disposition). I took it personally that he'd hurt my feelings in refusing to have real boundaries with this woman he claimed he despised most of the time anyway. But, it wasn't until there was this indirect mud-slinging between us that I felt suddenly cast into a competition. (Prior to D-day, there was no real competition because he claimed he was done with her and was moving out. When he drug his feet in leaving after D-day and his xW realized there was another woman, the competition started.) So in a sense, D-day was a big revelation for both of us women that xDM didn't have complete allegiance to either of us. So- back to the point, could it be that when the feeling of competition started for you, you started feeling the need to analyze all her actions for the sake of discrediting her in the "competition"? Based on your other thread, it seems like you took her rather unsympathetic, unapologetic tone to be adversarial, hence the start of the competition. Edited January 27, 2010 by Brokenlady
Author Spark1111 Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 I think xDM's tendencies to tell me all of the awful stuff his xW was saying about me stoked the competitive fires. (Maybe that was a subconscious goal of his?) The more I heard her talking trash about me, the more I hated her. And yet, through it all he didn't completely cut ties with her, so it set up a dynamic in which I felt like I had to constantly re-convince him of how evil she is. (In truth, her actions spoke for themselves, and he didn't need any input from me to prove her disposition). I took it personally that he'd hurt my feelings in refusing to have real boundaries with this woman he claimed he despised most of the time anyway. But, it wasn't until there was this indirect mud-slinging between us that I felt suddenly cast into a competition. (Prior to D-day, there was no real competition because he claimed he was done with her and was moving out. When he drug his feet in leaving after D-day and his xW realized there was another woman, the competition started.) So in a sense, D-day was a big revelation for both of us women that xDM didn't have complete allegiance to either of us. So- back to the point, could it be that when the feeling of competition started for you, you started feeling the need to analyze all her actions for the sake of discrediting her in the "competition"? Based on your other thread, it seems like you took her rather unsympathetic, unapologetic tone to be adversarial, hence the start of the competition. What other thread? Where was I unsympathetic? unapologetic? and adversarial? Me?
Author Spark1111 Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 Could you enlarge upon what you mean here (bolded)? I get it; you love the man, he claims to be unhappily married, you hope he leaves his wife and chooses you for a long-term relationship. I have asked my WS how was I discussed, and he claims he never spoke ill of me, but let's be real here: He obviously did not portray himself to be happily married. I said, what opinion do you think she had of me? He says, I think she wanted what you had. (WTF???? What DID I have? A cheating husband?) I said you mean the appearance of a happy marriage, nice house, career, kids?:rolleyes: He can't seem to elaborate. Okay, so here is a person who shows up uninvited, unannounced and unexpected at his office two months ago. Unannounced, univited, unexpected at my FIL's funeral, before DDAY. At the beach, 3 months after the onset, same scenario. On two or more occasions, he was suppose to accompany me to family events, and he was coming with me, with me, with me, up until the last minute....he had to work (see her). Why? He had to travel extensively for his job. Surely they could have gone away the following weekend? He cannot explain why it had to be THAT weekend, except that she insisted for whatever reasons he no longer remembers. I believe now, in her head, there was an empowerment and validation that came from doing to me what had been done to her, when her xH married his last affair partner and went on to live happily ever after (or so it appears.) She needed to compete with me, or exact revenge against me for what the OW in her life had done to her. I now believe that was a necessary componenet of her unmet need, her affair dynamic.
NoIDidn't Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 What other thread? Where was I unsympathetic? unapologetic? and adversarial? Me? Spark, Broken is talking about the OW's tone, not yours.
Author Spark1111 Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 Spark' date=' Broken is talking about the OW's tone, not yours.[/quote'] Oh, my apologies. No, that sparked the thought of "Jeez....why does she continue to hate me so much after two years?", but her actions, looking back at her actions starting with the day at the beach, have all seemingly been the beginning of a competition for her....with me. If affairs are about unmet needs, she had the additional element of needing to check out, screw over, or avenge the OW in her divorce drama. I became that personna to her. And because that was not a part of his affair dynamic, he never gave it another thought....until recently and in counseling. That's what I believe now
NoIDidn't Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 I get it; you love the man, he claims to be unhappily married, you hope he leaves his wife and chooses you for a long-term relationship. I have asked my WS how was I discussed, and he claims he never spoke ill of me, but let's be real here: He obviously did not portray himself to be happily married. I said, what opinion do you think she had of me? He says, I think she wanted what you had. (WTF???? What DID I have? A cheating husband?) I said you mean the appearance of a happy marriage, nice house, career, kids?:rolleyes: He can't seem to elaborate. My H said the same thing. She wanted what I had. It wasn't the cheating husband part, they were cheating on *us* for a reason. The OW wanted what we had because they were being told that we weren't being good stewards over it. Basically, our Hs built themselves up into these great, wonderful men that we were just taking for granted and not treating them like they felt the OW was doing. It fed their ego to think that they were providing something for us that the OW wanted and was willing to work for, while feeling that we took it for granted. It wasn't about her or you in that moment. It was about him. My H and I have spoken about this part because she said something to me about it without knowing *how* we got into this position to begin with. Because its so funny that he told her that I treated him like a "paycheck", but then he turned around and bragged to her about being just that. For a person outside the heady feelings, it just doesn't make sense. But for the people in that fantasy bubble it makes all the sense in *that* world.
Brokenlady Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Okay, so here is a person who shows up uninvited, unannounced and unexpected at his office two months ago. She was insulted when her H dumped her for an OW, and when her attempt to win back her pride with your H failed, she may have felt doubly like she had to reassert her relavence. But after all this time has passed, I think there must have been some precipitator that prompted it. Maybe she heard something through the grapevine about you and H going on a getaway or something. Or maybe it was something about her xH that set her off. Unannounced, univited, unexpected at my FIL's funeral, before DDAY. At the beach, 3 months after the onset, same scenario. This stuff does seem incredibly strange, but I can't say I haven't engaged in the same kind of thing when xDM was still with his xW. I can't speak for your H's xOW, but for me it was largely borne of a desire to feel less like an outsider. I might add, it was all done at the insistence of xDM as he also wanted to bring me in the circle as closely as possible without blowing cover. On two or more occasions, he was suppose to accompany me to family events, and he was coming with me, with me, with me, up until the last minute....he had to work (see her). Why? He had to travel extensively for his job. Surely they could have gone away the following weekend? He cannot explain why it had to be THAT weekend, except that she insisted for whatever reasons he no longer remembers. That's the competition. It made her feel important, probably MORE important than you to him when he'd do this stuff. I didn't encourage xDM to break plans with his xW, but when he did so voluntarily to be with me, it made me feel more like the "primary" woman in his life. Your H's xOW may have insisted because for whatever reason on that day she really wanted validation - or it's possible he made plans with her 1st, before plans with you and he couldn't come up with a conflict to avoid the trip when you initially suggested it. I know it used to sting me badly when xDM would break pre-arranged plans with me because he couldn't find an excuse on the day when it came to get out of the house. I believe now, in her head, there was an empowerment and validation that came from doing to me what had been done to her, when her xH married his last affair partner and went on to live happily ever after (or so it appears.) She needed to compete with me, or exact revenge against me for what the OW in her life had done to her. Sick, but not unheard of. As I mentioned in another thread my xDM's xW is now playing OW for a MM. So much for her moral highground. I believe this is why she's doing it.
silktricks Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 I get it; you love the man, he claims to be unhappily married, you hope he leaves his wife and chooses you for a long-term relationship. I have asked my WS how was I discussed, and he claims he never spoke ill of me, but let's be real here: He obviously did not portray himself to be happily married. I said, what opinion do you think she had of me? He says, I think she wanted what you had. (WTF???? What DID I have? A cheating husband?) I said you mean the appearance of a happy marriage, nice house, career, kids?:rolleyes: He can't seem to elaborate. Okay, so here is a person who shows up uninvited, unannounced and unexpected at his office two months ago. Unannounced, univited, unexpected at my FIL's funeral, before DDAY. At the beach, 3 months after the onset, same scenario. On two or more occasions, he was suppose to accompany me to family events, and he was coming with me, with me, with me, up until the last minute....he had to work (see her). Why? He had to travel extensively for his job. Surely they could have gone away the following weekend? He cannot explain why it had to be THAT weekend, except that she insisted for whatever reasons he no longer remembers. I believe now, in her head, there was an empowerment and validation that came from doing to me what had been done to her, when her xH married his last affair partner and went on to live happily ever after (or so it appears.) She needed to compete with me, or exact revenge against me for what the OW in her life had done to her. I now believe that was a necessary componenet of her unmet need, her affair dynamic. I get all that.... my question pertained to your statement that you were in a "competition at a much deeper level than that which you had otherwise read about on LS... or words to that effect, as I'm too d*mn lazy to go get the actual quotation :lmao:" Your situation with the OW appears from my point of view to be pretty much identical to most of the affairs that have been aired here. So, I'm not getting the "much deeper level" of competition thing... You mean from her? or from you? or from both??? If you mean her forcing him to meet with him on days that were important for some reason to you... that I get. It's just that I guess it seems typical to me. For example, in our case she made a point of "must meet with her" on my birthday.
Brokenlady Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 I said, what opinion do you think she had of me? He says, I think she wanted what you had. (WTF???? What DID I have? A cheating husband?) I said you mean the appearance of a happy marriage, nice house, career, kids?:rolleyes: Just to clarify, I don't know how often envy is a motivator for OW, but I don't think it is all that often. I didn't envy xDM's xW in the slightest. Almost everything he said about her was negative and in no way outweighed by what he said were her positive attributes. I had no interest in her house or posessions, and in fact, I told xDM that I really did NOT want to ever live at their marital home if/when we moved in together. As far as I was concerned, she had nothing I wanted. (In my mind, I already "had" her H, because he said was already planning on leaving her.) The only thing she had with him that I wanted was legitimacy - so we wouldn't have to hide our relationship. Other than that, I was content with my career, my house, my kids, and my life. I didn't want to be her, rather I wanted the freedom to be open about me - all of me, to include my relationship with him.
silktricks Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 My H said the same thing. She wanted what I had. It wasn't the cheating husband part, they were cheating on *us* for a reason. The OW wanted what we had because they were being told that we weren't being good stewards over it. Basically, our Hs built themselves up into these great, wonderful men that we were just taking for granted and not treating them like they felt the OW was doing. It fed their ego to think that they were providing something for us that the OW wanted and was willing to work for, while feeling that we took it for granted. It wasn't about her or you in that moment. It was about him. My H and I have spoken about this part because she said something to me about it without knowing *how* we got into this position to begin with. Because its so funny that he told her that I treated him like a "paycheck", but then he turned around and bragged to her about being just that. For a person outside the heady feelings, it just doesn't make sense. But for the people in that fantasy bubble it makes all the sense in *that* world. Yeah - my husband said the same thing. He also said he felt like she was more interested in me than she was in him... ... he translated that into thinking she wanted a three-way , but I'm sure it was this same dynamic. She wanted him. I was actually married to him, so she wanted to know as much about me as possible so she could subtly undermine me/our marriage further. It wasn't until sometime after the affair was over that he realized the depth of deception and manipulation that she had perpetrated - it was pretty unbelievable.
Buttnutter100 Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 The only way to really know what the OW was thinking is to ask her.
Author Spark1111 Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 I get all that.... my question pertained to your statement that you were in a "competition at a much deeper level than that which you had otherwise read about on LS... or words to that effect, as I'm too d*mn lazy to go get the actual quotation :lmao:" Your situation with the OW appears from my point of view to be pretty much identical to most of the affairs that have been aired here. So, I'm not getting the "much deeper level" of competition thing... You mean from her? or from you? or from both??? If you mean her forcing him to meet with him on days that were important for some reason to you... that I get. It's just that I guess it seems typical to me. For example, in our case she made a point of "must meet with her" on my birthday. That's just too weird to me! I get the love thing, I do. I do not get the competition thing, not at all. Did you fall in love with the man? Or do you have to compete with his BS -WHO DOES NOT EVEN KNOW OF YOUR EXISTENCE to empower you? I have never wanted anyone who did not want me. Shoot me if I ever grow so insecure as to have to try and "win" someone away from someone else.
Author Spark1111 Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 The only way to really know what the OW was thinking is to ask her. been there done that. It did not go very well for me. She despises me....guess cause I won? Who knew we were in a competition? Only she did.
Author Spark1111 Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 Yeah - my husband said the same thing. He also said he felt like she was more interested in me than she was in him... ... he translated that into thinking she wanted a three-way , but I'm sure it was this same dynamic. She wanted him. I was actually married to him, so she wanted to know as much about me as possible so she could subtly undermine me/our marriage further. It wasn't until sometime after the affair was over that he realized the depth of deception and manipulation that she had perpetrated - it was pretty unbelievable. Excellent point! She convinced him I MUST HAVE A lover on the side. The thought devastated him (I know, I know try to make sense out of that one.) She laughed. Yes, subtly undermining me and the marriage further. Hey, all I intercepted were texts that bespoke of this great passionate love for each other. I was sooooo wrong.
Author Spark1111 Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 She was insulted when her H dumped her for an OW, and when her attempt to win back her pride with your H failed, she may have felt doubly like she had to reassert her relavence. But after all this time has passed, I think there must have been some precipitator that prompted it. Maybe she heard something through the grapevine about you and H going on a getaway or something. Or maybe it was something about her xH that set her off. This stuff does seem incredibly strange, but I can't say I haven't engaged in the same kind of thing when xDM was still with his xW. I can't speak for your H's xOW, but for me it was largely borne of a desire to feel less like an outsider. I might add, it was all done at the insistence of xDM as he also wanted to bring me in the circle as closely as possible without blowing cover. That's the competition. It made her feel important, probably MORE important than you to him when he'd do this stuff. I didn't encourage xDM to break plans with his xW, but when he did so voluntarily to be with me, it made me feel more like the "primary" woman in his life. Your H's xOW may have insisted because for whatever reason on that day she really wanted validation - or it's possible he made plans with her 1st, before plans with you and he couldn't come up with a conflict to avoid the trip when you initially suggested it. I know it used to sting me badly when xDM would break pre-arranged plans with me because he couldn't find an excuse on the day when it came to get out of the house. Sick, but not unheard of. As I mentioned in another thread my xDM's xW is now playing OW for a MM. So much for her moral highground. I believe this is why she's doing it. BL, what would you think if you arrived at all the functions NOT AT THE INSISTENCE OF YOUR MM? He never knew you were coming???? BL, what would you think if you actively tried to prevent your MM from attending something important to one of his children? His sisters? Would you do that?
Snowflower Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 been there done that. It did not go very well for me. She despises me....guess cause I won? Who knew we were in a competition? Only she did. It may have been a competition but perhaps she didn't see it that way. Perhaps since she 'lost' her xH to an OW, in her mind the only way she could regain self-worth, self-validation, etc. as a woman was to become a similar type of person as the one who had snared her xH away from her--an OW. You see it all the time here on LS and in other places, too. The fBS becomes the OW later on for whatever reason. Of course, this is speculation and since you and I have never been an OW we can't really say what was going on in her head. BL's take here was probably as close as anything else that we could guess at. Thanks for sharing, BL! But honestly, one thing I've learned after dealing with my own H's infidelity is that you can never really figure out or guess at what is going through another person's head. We can never truly understand another person--even if they are someone close to us, someone we thought we knew, our spouses. My H has tried to explain over and over as we reconciled what was going through his head as he embarked on his A. He has been able to explain it in a way that now makes sense to me/him but some of it never will. But I think I am as close to 'understanding' (can't think of a better word) why he did what he did as I will ever be. For me, it was a tremendous step in my healing...I absolutely had to understand why he did that to me, himself, our marriage, our children. Could it be spark that the reason you are trying so hard to understand the xOW in your situation--her motives, her thought process, her background is because you are still trying to make SENSE of the affair and your H can't explain it to you in a way that will finally give you some understanding and acceptance of what happened? Not bashing you or your H--but you seem to be a 'thinker' and like to analyze things--I'm also like that! But maybe what you are seeking in understanding the xOW is really an understanding of why the A happened for your H? Just a thought!
Brokenlady Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 BL, what would you think if you arrived at all the functions NOT AT THE INSISTENCE OF YOUR MM? He never knew you were coming???? BL, what would you think if you actively tried to prevent your MM from attending something important to one of his children? His sisters? Would you do that? Simple, I would not have done any of the above. In fact, I actively encouraged him to do things with his kids and his mother and sister. (His xW alienated him from his mom and sister).
Brokenlady Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 I do not get the competition thing, not at all. Sure you do, you just felt it esrlier in the thread. It's not a good feeling. Did you fall in love with the man? Or do you have to compete with his BS -WHO DOES NOT EVEN KNOW OF YOUR EXISTENCE to empower you? The affair isn't about the BS. The BS isn't even considered. The "competition" aspect really only seems to come about after D-day when there is actually two women tugging at an MM. It's when logic is completely rules by emotion and everything is obsessed about and taken personally. I have never wanted anyone who did not want me. Shoot me if I ever grow so insecure as to have to try and "win" someone away from someone else. I don't think it's fair to imply that your H's xOW wasn't wanted (prior to his giving her up to save the M). Obviously he did want her, even if only at a limited capacity. This quote almost makes it sound like OW are stalkers who get no reinforcement from MM. Now, after he chose to end it with her, any running after him by her was just sick and pathetic.
Author Spark1111 Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 It may have been a competition but perhaps she didn't see it that way. Perhaps since she 'lost' her xH to an OW, in her mind the only way she could regain self-worth, self-validation, etc. as a woman was to become a similar type of person as the one who had snared her xH away from her--an OW. You see it all the time here on LS and in other places, too. The fBS becomes the OW later on for whatever reason. Of course, this is speculation and since you and I have never been an OW we can't really say what was going on in her head. BL's take here was probably as close as anything else that we could guess at. Thanks for sharing, BL! But honestly, one thing I've learned after dealing with my own H's infidelity is that you can never really figure out or guess at what is going through another person's head. We can never truly understand another person--even if they are someone close to us, someone we thought we knew, our spouses. My H has tried to explain over and over as we reconciled what was going through his head as he embarked on his A. He has been able to explain it in a way that now makes sense to me/him but some of it never will. But I think I am as close to 'understanding' (can't think of a better word) why he did what he did as I will ever be. For me, it was a tremendous step in my healing...I absolutely had to understand why he did that to me, himself, our marriage, our children. Could it be spark that the reason you are trying so hard to understand the xOW in your situation--her motives, her thought process, her background is because you are still trying to make SENSE of the affair and your H can't explain it to you in a way that will finally give you some understanding and acceptance of what happened? Not bashing you or your H--but you seem to be a 'thinker' and like to analyze things--I'm also like that! But maybe what you are seeking in understanding the xOW is really an understanding of why the A happened for your H? Just a thought! Oh no, he has explained his side and I get it; constant praise, external validation, being told how wonderful he was, a true 'knight in shining armor," coming at a very low point in our marital history. We had just begun to climb out of hell with a series of heartbreaking familial events. I get HIM. What is amazing to me is that he didn't get her. Didn't see me during his depression, but truly didn't see her either. He didn't have too. As long as his needs for flattery and attention were met, I guess there was no reason to look any further. I am amazed at how little he knows, or realizes, or thinks of her in any aspect NON-RELATED to his knight in shining armor role. Is this affair fog? Depression fog? I have never been a WS or an OW. Yes, I am analytical. I get it for love. But what was this about? Very strange to me. Just strange. And it is frightening to realize how easily some people can be manipulated when they are vulnerable. I was so enraged at him, as I should be, for a very long time. I thought she was manipulated by HIM. Now, I think they manipulated each other to have their unmet needs, met; but the differences between the two of them in what their needs were...remain so out of whack that it is hard to believe this fantasy could be sustained for as long as it was. But it was.
Snowflower Posted January 27, 2010 Posted January 27, 2010 Broken Lady, I already mentioned this in my post to spark but I just wanted you to know that I really appreciate you taking the time to come over here to try to help Spark. I know that many OW will not come over here to Infidelity and do not want BS's over on their forums--perceiving all BS's as being bitter or nasty and TBH, some of them are and I don't like them either even as a BS myself. Thank you for putting yourself and your experiences as an OW out here. As BW, we can only speculate about things. Take care.
Author Spark1111 Posted January 27, 2010 Author Posted January 27, 2010 Simple, I would not have done any of the above. In fact, I actively encouraged him to do things with his kids and his mother and sister. (His xW alienated him from his mom and sister). I did not think so, BL and you remind me of many of the OW who post here. What do you speculate the motivation would be for a woman who did do this?
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